To tell or not to tell my ex guy I am a sex addict?

When I started NoFap, I wanted to tell my ex that my PMO addiction had poisoned our relationship. I never actually did, though. I had called her and told her that I wanted to meet her and talk about what went wrong, but we then only met at a party, where I ended up taking her to the tram station at night. At another party a few days later we did some pretty obvious flirting. We never actually had the talk I first wanted, but now I'm thinking it might be better that way.

May be you can fix your friendly realtionship with him simply by treating him kind and nicely? It might hurt to unveil the darker aspects of your relationship. Could it be that you want to talk with him so you don't have to feel alone with them? Remember that the two of you are not together anymore.

 

If you ask me if you haven't really stayed in contact a random text out of the blue might be a bit weird in my opinion like it's probably just to leave it and move forward with your life bringing up the past ussaly causes difficultys and stress

 

"Hurt" by bringing things to the surface again that may be should remain below it. I mean, I'm all for rehalibitation, therapy and everything, I think it's great that you talk about it here - I'm just not sure if you should involve your ex into it as you're not together anymore.

May be instead of saying "that's not me", you could show the world that you're better than that. Deeds are stronger than words, you know

 

I think leave the past in the past my dear like bringing all this back to surface Gould cause a lot of heartache and stress the best thing you can do is push forward onto a new horizion show the world the person who you want to be not the person you were just take what happened as sort of a lesson to be learnt

 

Have you considered an old-fashioned snail mail note of apology? Maybe in a card? You could acknowledge that in the recent months of working on improving yourself, you have realized that you were responsible for damaging your relationship with him. You are sorry for the pain and any damages that you caused him.
If he responds, you can go into details of responds, you can go into details of your sexual addiction and how it drove you. If he doesn't, he still will know that you are not upset with him.
Whatever you do, even if you never contact him, it will be an emotional roller coaster. Stay strong, and keep growing.

 

A SO here... Personally, and this is just my opinion... If he's in another relationship, I say, let it lay where it is. Don't try to poison them for trying to rehabilitation of yourself, it's selfish.
I know I don't think it's healthy for my guy to say "hey, I know I'm a PA and this caused our relationship to end" to his ex.
Ask yourself these questions
(you don't need to answer them to us) -
How much time has passed?
What caused you to ultimately break up?
Did he have a problem with all the sex?
Or the way it was?
Why do you really want to make amends?
For friendship? To renew love?
Just for the sake of closure?
Has he moved on?
Have you tried to?
Why or why not?

I think it's a good start to be retrospective on your life to get to where you need to go next. I don't think living in the past is a good idea.
"those who don't learn from the past are condemned to repeat them" - Abe Lincoln

Good luck on whatever path you take!

 

I know in recovery from other addictions and part of working the steps is to apologize to those you have wronged. But the motivation is to genuinely be sorry and often it is done by letter or maybe email so the person can chose to hear it or not. It seems to me that your motive here is to defend and explain your actions and if that's it I would leave it be. If you wronged him in lying or in some other way it's fine to apologize but apologizing does not usually come with explanations. Just say I'm sorry if I hurt you I was in addiction and what I did was wrong and let it go. Don't expect him to forgive you. Don't expect him to engage in a convo just move on.

 

At a certain point in our recovery we start thinking about the consequences of our actions. We might look back and realize we have hurt a lot of people because of our selfish behavior. Our conscience kicks in and we have a strong desire to make amends. When we think about those past behaviors it is important to resolve them in healthy ways or we can end up harboring feelings of negativity that can push us back to addiction.

However, it is very easy to make amends for the wrong reasons. There are reasons why in a 12-stop program making a list and making amends are near the end... steps 8 and 9. Making an apology/amends too soon in the recovery process can be a way to purge your conscience at the expense of the other person's feelings. Having that honest discussion could hurt the other person. Another scenario is to talk about your addiction in order to secretly garner help, attention, sympathy, or commendation. The focus shifts to the former addict and away from the feelings of the person we have wronged. The purpose is to heal the other person's wounds, and yet indirectly derive benefits ourselves.

If the old relationship ended without any clear closure then having an honest discussion can be beneficial to both parties. On the other hand, would talking about it open up fresh wounds? Can you resolve the past with one discussion over lunch or would the truth raise more questions?

In general, steps 8 & 9 - making a list and making amends - helps us gain back friendships we might have destroyed while grip of addiction. Restoring those friendships is healthy and helps with the healing process. Analyze your motives. Choose your method of communication. And carefully word your apology.

 

If that is what you think is good for him in this situation then I wish you nothing but the best! The only thing I would add is that you may want to reconsider that you treating him like a king, and did nothing wrong when you were with him. Porn or PMO addicts do not treat the people they are dating as kings, nor do they do nothing wrong. They think that they do, but when you ask the partner you get a total different response. PMO is not just about sex. It is about treating partners as objects, selfishness and emotional unavailability.

 

I would like to argue for @GG2002 here... That's like me trying to say I was a meth addict but not a coke addict, not all narcotics addicts are the same.
At the same time, this works for you.

Both sides pull in this fashion.
It works for all PA. doesn't matter what it is. Every PA is different.

However, just because you are seeing your selfless side, doesn't mean you didn't do anything wrong.
"there are 3 sides to every story, yours, theirs and the truth"
You will never see theirs completely, they will never know yours and the truth will only ever come as close as communication lets it.
If 6 people all witness the same event, they will all remember different details and recount different things.
This is proven.
None of them are necessarily wrong, it's just that everyone has different things that stand out to different people because their personalities and perspectives are different, due to backgrounds and etc.

 

First of all are you sure its an addiction? An addiction is defined as a habit that interferes with (alot) of your everyday functions in life e.g having sex alot got you in trouble at work, with the law, family, friends, etc., alot. So, have you seen a doctor to confirm that you are a sex addict, or is this a 'proper' self diagnosis?