To stop sexulazing girls...

Once I read a boy said that he started to ask himself questions about the girl he was sexualising like: what's her greatest fear, or, what's her favourite ice cream flavour? That way you start realising she's a human being, not a P doll, and maybe if you like her, you get to approach in a human way, to know her deeply, not only sexually.

 

Being sexually attracted to someone isn't anything to be ashamed of, but you can choose to take this in different routes.

One route is you go home alone and fantasize about her. It's not reality. There's no connection. It's completely one sided and self centered.

The other route is you appreciate their beauty. You're sexually charged. You're awake and curious. You use that energy, attraction, and curiosity to actually do something in order to get closer to her. You create an opportunity to connect. You're making something happen in reality. There's real consequences with another person that you have to work with rather than a one sided / no risk / full control / certain / easy fantasy where you get to play god for your own self centered instant gratification needs. So you get to know the person. You experience how reality works. You ultimately learn how useless and disconnecting fantasies are. With enough positive experiences, you'll realize how much better reality can be despite the possible risks, rejections, pain, problems, and negative experiences.

The bigger the barrier the bigger the reward. Sure, you can have cheap gratifications met by porn or fantasies, but if you want something real (experiences / people / connection / life) and more fulfilling then you'll have to interact in the real world filled with uncertainties and difficulties with real people who you don't own or control.

I'm personally horny all the time around women I find attractive. It allows me to enjoy their company more. It wakes me up. It gives me more of a masculine drive to interact with them. It allows me to appreciate the situation and their presence. It allows me to be more curious about them. More playful, bold, and adventurous. Yes, I sexually want them, but I also don't do stupid shit because there's real consequences when dealing with a real person in the real world. Nonetheless, I'm not ashamed of being sexually attracted to women. I want the real thing rather than some cheap forgettable instant gratification fantasy. Real experiences and connection.

Like others said above, physical attributes is a small part of what makes a person. If I hear a good beat on the radio, I'm going to stick around to hear the lyrics, but in the end if a song doesn't have any substance then it will be forgettable. So eventually you learn to look for other attributes and not judging solely on the external.

 

I’m stuck working on the same issue. PMO in control (hopefully!) but working hard to control fantasy. Been trying to find as much advice on avoiding inappropriate sexual fantasy. Definitely a hazard to recovery not to mention a serious piss for my wife. I was bringing way too much porn fantasy into the bedroom and it was wrecking intimacy.
I had the problem of staring too much and then the sexual thoughts would follow. @Kenzi has a great post on length of stares and the thoughts that go with it. Simply put, don’t stare for too long. See a good looking girl, fine. Look for 1-3 seconds then look away. Can’t fantsize if your looking else where and concentrating on something else. Keep you eyes moving. No 10 second ogling. No minute long creepy fantasy. Don’t be a slave to your list.
I still have to work on it but I’m having a lot less distracting sexual thought.
If you want to take it really seriously read this on “no arousal”
https://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com...ousal-method-celibacy-of-body-and-mind.14525/

Basically says thinking about sex with strangers is a waste of time so stop.

Makes sense

 

It’s 100% natural to find women sexy and see them in a sexual way. We’re humans and we have sexual desire. What’s interesting about this addiction, is we have to learn to balance out and become normal sexual humans where as an alcoholic for example can never drink again to avoid it. We can’t avoid sex and sexual desire and to be honest sexual anorexia is a bad thing for most.

That said, I have done lots of stuff in sobriety to work towards rebalancing my sexual desires.

For the first month or two, I forced myself not to look at women in a sexual way. I would force myself to not stair at their ass or body. And if I fought someone out of the corner of my eye I would force to look away. This was helpful but extreme. It provoked a lot of great journaling for me and helped me realize what work I needed to do on myself. I then was able to safely look and I had a new relationship with women’s bodies (only after working through some stuff).

The next stage was me looking at their faces and smiling and starting conversations with them instead of seeing them as unattainable sexual objects. This humanized women and I became less attracted to everyone in a sexual way. Personalities played a part in attraction, and friendships or friendly convos with women can now be had without the sexual desire.

I still will look at them though. Cuz if A coworker/friend who I’m not attracted to their personality, has a low cut shirt and bends over, I sometimes look. Human nature, but it’s not sexually consuming and tbh I can sort of chose if I want to look or not where as before during PMO I had to look.

We’re not just stopping PMO we’re reframing pour relationship to ourself, our penis, women and sexuality. It’s a complete overhaul renovation of our sexual nature.