Tired and sad

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Amaterasus, Feb 10, 2019.

  1. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Dont know exactly how i should start but my BF is a porn addict and have been for years. It didnt took me long time to figure out what was going on but it took some time for him to admitt it.

    Now more then a year later i feel like things havnt changed much. He says he want to get better, but still does all he can to hide hes addiction (lying, always trying to find new ways that i wont find out etc).

    And after this much time i got a really good sence for it, so the lies doesnt work for him it just makes it hurt more for me.

    And for me the lying is one of the hardest parts of it, i can understand that its hard go quit. But the stress of knowing that hes lying and that i need to profe that i know it really wears me down.

    So yea thats my story in short, i signed up today becuse im tired of feeling all alone in this so any tips or suggestions would help.
     
    Vixen likes this.
  2. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Boundaries & Consequences. I can help you with those when I get back home later tonite.
     
  3. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Yes i would love some help with that
     
  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    It’ll be tonight when I get home and on my computer, OK?
     
  5. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Yea thats fine :)
     
  6. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I apologize for the delay...I was so exhausted when I got home, I ate a bite and went right off to sleep by 8:00PM. Here ya go...

    BOUNDARIES & CONSEQUENCES
    UPDATED: 2018.10.1

    SOME SIMPLE RULES
    • Apply the KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) principle to your Boundaries & Consequences. They need to be short, concise, and to the point.
    • Be specific and don’t be ridiculous in your expectations. If your Partner has a history of Sexual Addiction, Pornography Addiction, Lying, or any other acts of betrayal, these are all contributors to the addiction. They WILL NOT simply just go away because you created and enforced a set of Boundaries & Consequences. There is a very high probability that your Partner WILL slip up as their addiction has more control over them than they do their addiction. As such, you can anticipate some level of Boundary crossing to occur. Be prepared for that in your Consequences.
    • Make it a formalized process and discuss and disclose your Boundaries and Consequences so that your Partner has an opportunity to follow them.

    BOUNDARIES versus ULTIMATUMS

    A Boundary and an Ultimatum is very different in their intended purpose.

    BOUNDARIES

    Boundaries are instruments you set forth to protect yourself in the safety and security of your environment. These are things that you declare that you will NOT tolerate in a relationship with someone else. These are things that you have declared that you are not comfortable and able to engage in, and that you have neither the time, space, nor inclination to be an active or passive participant in. It doesn’t make any difference whether it is on physical, mental, spiritual, or moral grounds, these things you will not accept in your life.

    ULTIMATUMS

    An Ultimatum is different in that these instruments are set forth, not for your own protection, but to control the other party in the relationship. You make an ultimatum to get them to do or act a certain way, not because they violate any code of conduct you have upheld, but solely to control the actions and behavior of the other party. These make no difference whatsoever, and have little influence and impact on you, but have a lot of it on them. It is a controlling and manipulative practice.

    In short, you don’t create boundaries to control your Partner. You create them to protect yourself.

    BOUNDARIES


    Keep your Boundaries at a half dozen or so. You don’t want to overwhelm your Partner any more than they already are or is absolutely necessary because they are already overwhelmed. Your Partner can make some too, but no more than a dozen total and preferably somewhat equal between you.

    Boundaries should always be Objective. That is, they must always be defined in such a way that there is absolutely, positively, no way to misinterpret the Boundary or the spirit of the meaning of it. Any subjectivity allows the abuser to create their own interpretation as an excuse to circumvent the Boundary.

    When it comes to your Boundaries, you are the judge, jury, and executioner. They are not subject to interpretation, determination or negotiation, nor are you unless you so choose otherwise.

    This is a sample list of Boundaries (These would be my top picks)

    • No Lying. Don’t make me have to explain to you what a lie is. (This is #1 for a reason)
    • No PMO, or any combination thereof.
    • No Gaslighting.
    • No Secrets that have any potential influence or impact on me.
    • No Infidelity. Don’t make me have to explain to you what infidelity is.
    • No Apathy meaning don’t ignore your role in your recovery and don’t make me have to explain to you what that is. (I find this to be one of the single most important ones, yet no one seems to list it as one)
    Additionally, other people have used these:

    • No using Partner to Masturbate
    • No Pornography Substitutes (P-Subs)
    • No edging
    • No erotic texting or Sexting, or electronic correspondence of a sexual nature
    • No CD/DVD/VHS or any other media containing pornographic images or videos
    • No objectification or ogling other women
    • No books, magazines, or other material of an erotic nature of any kind
    • If you have a slipup, relapse, of any kind, you must notify me within 24 hours
    • No Applications (Apps) whose intended purpose is to disguise inappropriate material.
    • No social media, including but not limited to, Facebook, Kik, Tumblr, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, et al.
    • No Incognito Mode on any browser or deleting any history in whole or in part
    • No Deep Web and No Dark Web, including TOR Brows er of any kind
    • No News Groups or Internet Relay Chat
    • No Hookup Sites, Dating Sites, Ashley Madison, Tender, et al for the purpose of of getting together which may include, but is not limited to, Craigslist
    • No circumventing Blocker Apps or Reporting Apps, parental controls, WiFi restrictions, Proxy Servers, or anything else designed to monitor your electronic media activities
    • No touching me, grabbing me, groping me
    • No fantasizing
    • No strip clubs, adult novelty stores, or adult magazine sections in any store
    • No cameras, video recording devices, hidden or visual, at any time
    • No perpetual cycles of relaps/reset
    • No indulging in any fetishes of any kind
    • No testing
    • No begging, renegotiating, or pleading boundaries in a state of consequences
    Any questions/concerns, please let me know!
     
  7. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, that gave me alot of clearity. Especially in the boundries vs ultimatum.

    I know a few boundries i want to set, Most of then is allready on your list. And i know a few consequenses at least for my own protection. Like i dont want to have sex for a few days after a relaps, since i cant tell if its me or the porn he wants and i know he cant either.

    I got one big question after reading it all and that is the part of apathy. Could you please explain it a bit more? I guess its about activly partisipating in your recovery?
     
  8. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Yes. There have been so many times that Boundaries & Consequences have been delivered to the Partner. But the Partner more or less blows it off. In other words, they really aren't trying to recovery. They are patronizing and manipulating you to believe they are working the program when they are not. They fail to make or attend appointments. They fail to do their readings. They fail to go to meetings. They fail on every front of their recovery, all the while making up excuses. "I can do this myself (which is bullshit)". "I didn't have time (which is also bullshit. We always have time to do what is a priority in our lives)". "My dog died". Or whatever the excuse du jour is. It is the lack of ability or interest in owning your recovery, taking it seriously, and actively engaging in it. I'm sure if you read around here a bit, you'll find so many stories by so many Partner's whose Partner has pretty much fought it, their addiction in charge, almost every step of the way. That's the way this addiction manifests and perpetuates itself. Make sense? Please, if you have any more questions, ask.
     
  9. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Yea that made alot of sence, and is a big part of what i have been struggeling with. When he says one thing but does another, or comes with excuses like i cant control it or help it etc.

    And i get that a part of him cant control it, but i think as long as you excuse it to especially yourself its never gona get better? Becuse then you never try to control it.

    Since i first posted we have talked alot and set up some bounderies in addition to the big ones (no lies, no pmo etc), like no phone in the bedroom. I have tried mostly to set rules that give me some peace of mind. Like knowing i can sleep and relax, becuse the phone isnt in the bedroom so he cant relaps right next to me.
     

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