Tips on avoiding PMO while working alone from home

Hi folks,

I realized after introducing myself in the New to Nofap sub that my other thoughts belonged in this one, so I'll copy and paste the relevant part here:

I started nofap with what I thought was a good plan: deleting all porn from my computers, using blockers, hosts files, and virtually everything else I could think of. I regularly exercise and meditate, and made myself very aware of my triggers. I had an 8 day streak, and then relapsed.

I am not discouraged after that streak, because that's the longest I have ever went without PMO since probably being in basic training (not exactly an easy place to PMO, lol). It felt good to exercise that willpower and take that first step.

However, I am obviously not well-enough prepared. I am absolutely stunned how easy it was for my brain to shut itself off and find a way to go back to PMO. When the relapse happened, it was if I was an outside observer watching helplessly as my body and mind found porn despite having taken what I thought were necessary steps to block porn from my home network and computers. I have since closed those loopholes, but I need to work on the habits which are so engrained in my mind that they led me kicking and screaming towards a relapse. That's why I have joined this forum.

My biggest problem right now is that I work from home and spend 8:30 to 5:30 completely alone while my wife is at work. It's impossible to leave, as I have a shop here where I make a product which is sold on the internet. It makes it very easy to PMO during my work time, and it has had an effect on my productivity over the years. I can shut off internet access and power down my computers, but after my relapse, I need to come up with a better way to approach this problem. Work hours while alone is always the window where I PMO. Please point me in the right direction for success. I would love to hear other peoples' ideas on how they replace this bad and very engrained habit with something better.

It is so embarrassing to know this habit has resulted in lost productivity, and I can only imagine how my clients would feel to know the reasons I am not working as hard to serve them better. My wife knows I am doing nofap, and is supportive because it has led to ED, which obviously hinders our sex life.

 

That might work for me once or twice, so I will definitely keep it in my toolbox.

In some ways, I feel like a brain which is addicted or has bad habits is a bit like the Borg in Star Trek. You can try many different methods to stop it from getting what it desires, but it can adapt to the circumstances and obstacles you place in front of it. What I would love to find are the methods, environments, and behavior-changing habits to which the PMO Borg cannot adapt. Maybe for me it's finding the right technique, or a combination of methods. One thing is for sure: we have to remain vigilant, humble, and ready to go the distance.

 

All habits take time to manifest. Some advice which may help is to research NoFap consistently. Educate yourself on the matter. I have re-read a certain thread on this forum called "6 years clean" about 5 times over. Seriously understanding the negative impacts and consistently coming back to the forums to read others struggles helps to keep things in perspective.

You can also prime physically change the location of your computer in your work room. Something as small as rearranging furniture can help set a new perspective. Put quotes up on wall that you have to look at regularly too.

My favourite tip, that I have talked about in one of my YouTube videos, is when you cross off consecutive completed days on a calendar. Treat yourself after each day, maybe with a chocolate or something, up to you. Your one job is to not break that chain of X's that day.

This journey is definitely a marathon and not a sprint. Take every day as a short sprint, but the entire journey as a marathon that will take months.

 

Congrats on all you are doing and the progress made! Your attitude is an inspiration. I sense this hunger to learn from the slips and stay in the marathon. For me, rythmn is really important—having a daily/regular routine—walk, prayer, reading, listen to inspirational music, call to accountability partner, etc. helps me stay centered. Nothing is fail proof for me, but the slips are far fewer and shorter. Life is better!

 

Been thinking a lot these past few days about how to define both the problem and its roots. For me, it's quite easy to describe the symptoms: my time is being wasted, and I have PIED. It's also pretty easy to describe the results I am looking for: to regain the time I would have used for PMO and use it for better pursuits, as well as to improve the mental and physical condition which has led to PIED.

In trying to describe the problem, it gets a little more difficult. Is it an addiction? Maybe not. It wasn't something I felt I did compulsively, or something I did for hours multiple times a day. Perhaps it might be better to define it as an abuse problem or a bad habit. It wasn't something I depended on, but was more something which I just... did, like biting one's nails or checking one's phone too many times in a day.

I once had the same habit with alcohol. Regular drinker after school, work, weekends, basically wherever there was free time. I haven't touched the stuff in 8 years. One day I had enough of how it made me feel, and I put it down. That day was a tremendous feeling, like the thought just came to me that I never had to feel bad because of alcohol ever again. It was a huge relief, to know I would never experience a hangover ever again, have to spend money on going to bars, or feel stupid or embarrassed because of things I did or said. It obviously wasn't an addiction problem if I was able to just do that. It also was probably more of a bad habit more than anything. I just redefined myself as a non-drinker. That's who I am now. The temptation never came back. It just died, and the 15 years or so where I drank seem like another lifetime now.

Looking at the roots of PMO is where things get fuzzier. I grew up in the age before Internet porn. The only access I had were the occasional magazine or videotape. Back then, I didn't think it was a problem. I still do not believe it was a problem then. To me, the problem arose with the advent of streaming tube sites. That's where I began to see something change inside of myself. You no longer had to pay for it. It was just everywhere at the click of a mouse. Any fetish imaginable. Endless novelty. Terrific production. It was like hitting the pleasure jackpot. That's when I felt it took hold of my time.

They say lottery winners often regret coming into the money because it made their lives worse, not better. They weren't prepared for friends and family constantly crawling out of the woodwork wanting a piece, and they weren't prepared on how to spend or invest that money wisely. For some, it literally destroys them.

I feel the same way about Internet porn. IMO like money, I see nothing morally wrong about it existing. But when we all hit the porn jackpot, it had the potential to destroy us, either all at once, or piece by piece. For most of us, it's piece by piece, video by video. It's too good; better than real life. Most of us use for different reasons, and it's often a substitute for something we are missing in our lives. It's an endless bank account that appears on the surface to be able to temporarily distract ourselves from our problems, one spending spree at a time.

I am beginning to see the patterns in my past use and when it was: when there was stress and anxiety for whatever reason. I think it's a form of procrastination. I think I am afraid of both success and failure. What better way to make myself feel less stress and delay the inevitable than PMO?

This is the point I am at in this journey: to confront my fears of failure and success. Why am I putting things off?Where did these fears come from? Childhood? Other experiences along the way? I am working hard to find the roots of why this bad habit helps me feel better, and how I can change.

I am not afraid of change. I've done it many times in my life, and I'll do it again. Here's to all of us changing and making our lives better!

 

My first instinct is to say yes. Porn can give you the same if not better pleasure than real social interaction, with the added benefit of no risk for rejection. That is where for some people it is extremely dangerous, because it becomes a substitute for real relationships with people, which are far more rewarding. Porn will never reject you, and always says yes to whatever you want. But how selfish and immature is that; an activity which is entirely about making yourself feel good at the expense of anything else? We begin to condition ourselves to use it the minute we feel uncomfortable about anything. It's dangerous because it's empty, fleeting pleasure, and the minute it's over our pain and suffering returns.

I am an introvert too, and I think other introverts avoid social interaction for many reasons: fear of rejection, a lack of understanding of other's feelings, a lack of the proper tools to interact successfully, on and on. I enjoy being alone because it helps me think better for my job, but I do actively work on also being social. It's difficult, but I do it, and always feel better when I do. I just tell myself to do the things that make me uncomfortable because that's where real rewards and success come from. I wish I were more successful at doing that, but I try and learn from my failures. I would argue failing but being persistent until I succeed has taught me more than any easy success.

 

Thank you for the suggestions! I am already practicing most of those very good habits, and also find them very helpful. It's good to know there are others out there on the right track, and keeps me motivated.

I think having an accountability parter is a great idea. Having that support can help with one's own personal accountability to do the right thing to realize our goals here. In my case, I have my wife, who is very supportive. I'm very lucky to be in that situation. I am also working on a way to more directly involve my customers in my day to day process, which will help me stay focused on producing results for them. I can easily swap out the time I had wasted on PMO for the little extra time it would take to communicate with them faster.

I agree with your view that we must work on getting our own egos out of the way. To put it bluntly, we must get over ourselves. We need to brush aside the arrogance and selfishness that makes us think our bad habits do not have an effect on our success, but the reality is they eat it away piece by piece. It's very hard to see the effect they have often until it's too late. Fortunately for everyone on Nofap, we have recognized that there is a problem, which is the first step. After that, it's merely taking a bunch of small steps every day which will guarantee or future success. It's not easy, and it won't produce instant gratification or results, but if we are persistent in our good habits, the bad habits will melt away.

I will definitely check that book out. I am a fan of mindfulness techniques, and love reading Thich Nhat Hanh's work on the subject. He has made a positive difference in my life, and most of my failures are merely not fully putting those ideas into practice. But still I persist, and will keep taking in new knowledge and trying to apply it to my life. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

I agree with this statement. With many of us, there is a disconnect between the person we know we can be and the person we actually are. Each person's journey will be different, but it comes down to making the internal changes and taking the steps to become the best version of ourselves we can be.

It's been 8 days now since joining this forum and being PM-free, and it's been great. Feeling good, feeling strong, and have been visiting Nofap daily. Reading everyone else's successes and struggles has reenforced my resolve to become a better person in general, not only with PM but all of the unrealized goals I have. I'm very grateful to have had everyone's suggestions and support, and hope I can one day help others realize their goals too. It's not over by a long shot, but I am keeping my eyes on the prize.