Time to Start Again

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Castielle, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    Shout out to @What I Do That Defines Me for continuing to prod me (lovingly, of course) on the subject of PMO addiction and rebooting, despite me always being hesitant to share. He gave me another kick in the pants today, and that's why I'm posting this message.

    To be honest, I've sort of given up on trying very hard to quit PMO completely. I'm way better now that I used to be, back when I could barely go a day without it, and honestly, I've been feeling kind of satisfied with that. Like I've come far enough and I dont want to get rid of it completely. But there is still a large part of me that really does.

    Continuing to be honest, I will say that I absolutely hate "losing" or "failing." Having to update my counter all the time when I fail just makes me annoyed after a while, but for some reason it hasn't been motivating enough to help me in the moment. It just makes me frustrated after the moment is over, to have to come here and start it all over.

    If I'm being perfectly blunt, I'm embarrassed about how long I've been here and the fact that I've barely made it past a month long streak. Its embarrassing. And in order to not have to admit how far I've come (or havent come), I kind of just stopped talking about it. I didnt want accountability anymore, because it was too uncomfortable, and tbh, I'm not even sure if I want it now. But there are reasons I do want to be rid of this stuff.

    1. For my relationship with God.
    2. For my relationship with my husband.
    3. To be proud of myself and who I am, and to not feel like my personal life doesnt match what my public life would suggest about me. I dont like feeling like I have some kind of dirty secret or hidden life. I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

    I really do want those things, but it's so hard. I don't want to let go of temporary pleasure. That's really all it comes down to. But I am re-committing to try. So here we go again.
  2. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut

    I commend you, sincerely, for what you have acknowledged here. I am sure your reasons are shared by a great many. Some really thrive on the community accountability that a counter provides, but it has not always worked for you. Although I remember you did fantastically for quite a while when you engaged in one of those team challenges. But the feelings to which you refer, surfaced again.

    As something to consider, you may respond more positively to a private accountability partnership. @What I Do That Defines Me is well respected and your opening paragraph explains how effective he has been in encouraging you to look at where you are in this area of your life. AP relationships with the opposite sex can be counterproductive and are generally discouraged on NoFap. But if there is not a lady that can speak to you the way he has done, well, why not? Its your call. :)
  3. No problem lol. Thanks for the mention

    Nice honest post. Im glad to see youre giving it another serious go. The fact that youre still here and still trying is a major step in the right direction, now you just have you take the leap. Im pretty much in the same boat because in all the time ive been here my record is only 22 days and to be honest, its pretty sad for me to think about. Also, ive been on a relapse cycle for a few weeks so i just did some reflecting and decided to give it my all again. I know you can beat this thing if you try hard enough, we both can. Lets do it! :)

    Well said, i completely agree
    Castielle likes this.
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  5. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    As painstaking as it is to do this over and over and over again, I know an individual that was in a rehab treatment facility for the 28th time. 28! It may be that 28th time for you to get where you need to be. He is currently 1 1/2 year clear of his addictions, and it encompassed a drug, alcohol, and sex trifecta. My point is this: And I hope it isn't #28 for you, but this time may be the last. And it may be the next one. But if/when you keep coming back, as many of the 12-Step programs remind us to "...keep coming back...", eventually, you'll get there. It's also why I preach and advocate the "One Day at a Time and Setting Your Bar to the Maximum Number of Days you have been Successful". Each time, you have a sense of accomplishment when you beat your previous record. Eventually, you wake up one day and realize "I've been clean now for X number of months". That's when you know you've made it. That's when you know that you have the will and capacity to resist. I know this to be true because it has worked for me.
    I don't know what your relationship is with @What I Do That Defines Me, but @IGY is right. If this mutual beneficial arrangement of encouragement works for you, and he's willing, go for it. Seriously, this can make all the difference in the world in recovery. I am overwhelmed with joy of the numbers of those who I have helped climb out of this cesspool that is PMO. It genuinely makes my heart smile. I'm not going to name any of them, for it is their stories to tell. But know this. We've got your back in here. No matter what disagreements any of us may have, we all hope and want and pray for the same thing for each and every one of us. I'm glad you're restarting your journey again. And if you fall down, we'll pick you up. We'll help dust you off. We'll help you back onto the saddle so that you can ride once again. This PMO thing has hijacked our brains and it sucks. The only way it will ever win is the moment you throw in the towel and say "I give up". It is an exhausting battle. Don't focus on the battle. Win the war!
    Castielle likes this.
  6. Keep going! Just keep going ! Persistence is stronger than anything in this world.

    God bless!
    Castielle likes this.
  7. SolitaryScribe

    SolitaryScribe Fapstronaut

    Keep going, trust in God and he'll carry you the rest of the way. Whenever you pray, keep asking God to help you with this issue. If you keep asking him, he will not ignore his own child. This is the least we can do when we are completely weak and have no desire or will to change, the most we can do is pray. And if you're persistent in your prayer, the persistence will latch on to quitting PMO.
    Guardian93 and Castielle like this.
  8. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    Thanks, IGY! I'm still trying to figure out what methods are going to work well for me, because I've had issues with almost all of them so far. I think the main thing is that it comes down to me doing it myself. Nobody can do it for me, although they can encourage me or whatever, but that doesnt always help. I guess a couple things I know have worked in the past are 1) stopping any sexual thoughts as soon as they arise, 2) staying busy with other things I enjoy doing, and 3) committing to tell someone when I am having an urge and pray bout it, because that makes it less likely that I will give into it.

    Agreed! We can do it.

    That's very true, and a great reminder. Sometimes I just forget to continue to pray for things. I pray for this every once in a while, but not as much as I should. I've seen firsthand, many times, the power of prayer, prayers that seemed impossible coming to fruition, so its important to remember that. I've got God on my side, and I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me.

    Thanks for the reminder!
    Thor god of thunder likes this.
  9. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut

    You're welcome. I agree that these are the most effective and powerful strategies. The first one is the key to success IMO.
    Castielle likes this.
  10. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    Another thing that can be difficult is that my husband struggles with this stuff too, which is hard. Because if I'm doing really well and hes not, it makes me feel more justified in giving in, too, or it just makes me angry that I'm working so hard and he isnt. One of the things that keeps me out of the depressing mindset that a lot of SOs here have is that I know what this struggle is like myself, but it seems like the longer I am clean, the more frustrsted/hurt/angry I get when he isnt. So that's something i havent quite figured out how to handle yet.
    Thor god of thunder likes this.
  11. Shame is really powerful at suppressing other feelings.
    I would feel shame and pmo to not feel it.
    Then I would feel more shame.
    If you are clean for a while and don’t have as much shame and you don’t have pmo to numb with... then you feel other things like feelings toward your spouse that you were able to ignore.
    It’s tough. :(

    Finding another way to handle the strong painful feelings has been the thing I needed to keep clean.
    Maybe that’s something you need too. :emoji_thinking:

    Question: How do you think you would feel if your husband got totally clean for good?
    Would it motivate you, or shame you?

    I’m just wondering because I think it would be way harder for me if my wife was also into PMO.
    But it also seems like it would be nice sometimes because she would understand me better.
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2019
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  12. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    Both, I guess. But probably mostly motivating.
  13. Are you going to keep up with your counter this time so i actually compliment you? ;)
    Castielle likes this.
  14. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut


    First and foremost thanks for sharing.

    Couple of things....
    • Who I am: 42 year old Christian minister. Married 9 years.
    • Reasons to continue NoFap: You mentioned getting closer to God and your husband. Let me just say that those are EXCELLENT reasons. I am on 2 months no P, but have had a reset in that time. BUT the intimacy between me and my wife has gone up tremendously. My O's are VERY INTENSE...to the point my wife and I laugh about it. I think religious people misunderstand the real power of NoFap. It is not about counters or streaks..... it is about each day being able to deny what I want and submit to God's will. Everyday and every time those urges and thoughts come up and I CHOOSE not to act on them I GLORIFY God (and for me Christ specifically). So if you went 30 days and then relapsed, you honored God for 29 days. THAT is what is most important.....and quite frankly that is what he wants....God wants people to seek after and desire him. To be reminded of our inadequacy but willing surrender ourselves to him. Sexuality is one of the GREATEST ways we can do this.

    So my advice is CHANGE your focus. Stop seeking perfection. Let this be a way to submit to who God is and have 1 MORE chance to honor and please him.

    That is my focus and it has been truly wonderful.

    Be encouraged. Also l look up my username from book of Proverbs
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  15. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    Yes! Lol :p

    Thank you for the advice, but I'm definitely not seeking perfection. But I appreciate the encouragement
  16. Cool :)
  17. StraightEdge3616

    StraightEdge3616 Fapstronaut

    Castielle likes this.
  18. theoptimist

    theoptimist Fapstronaut

    Keep up the good work and don't count the days, make the days count!
    Castielle likes this.
  19. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

    Hi! I was just randomly browsing through women’s logs to find some inspiration, and I stumbled upon yours. I’m a 26 yr old Christian female, single, and I’ve also struggled for way too long with PMO. Thanks for sharing your feelings and motivations. I feel similar to you- where I’m proud of how far I’ve come but not quite motivated enough to completely purge PMO out of my life. It’s a confusing spot to be in. But I truly believe that we can get through this especially with Christ on our side. God knows we will never be perfect or else he wouldn’t have sent a Savior. Messing up can sometimes feel inevitable, but we can always come back from it. Rooting for you!
    Castielle likes this.
  20. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    Hey Mindy! Thanks for the encouragement :)

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