Shout out to @What I Do That Defines Me for continuing to prod me (lovingly, of course) on the subject of PMO addiction and rebooting, despite me always being hesitant to share. He gave me another kick in the pants today, and that's why I'm posting this message. To be honest, I've sort of given up on trying very hard to quit PMO completely. I'm way better now that I used to be, back when I could barely go a day without it, and honestly, I've been feeling kind of satisfied with that. Like I've come far enough and I dont want to get rid of it completely. But there is still a large part of me that really does. Continuing to be honest, I will say that I absolutely hate "losing" or "failing." Having to update my counter all the time when I fail just makes me annoyed after a while, but for some reason it hasn't been motivating enough to help me in the moment. It just makes me frustrated after the moment is over, to have to come here and start it all over. If I'm being perfectly blunt, I'm embarrassed about how long I've been here and the fact that I've barely made it past a month long streak. Its embarrassing. And in order to not have to admit how far I've come (or havent come), I kind of just stopped talking about it. I didnt want accountability anymore, because it was too uncomfortable, and tbh, I'm not even sure if I want it now. But there are reasons I do want to be rid of this stuff. 1. For my relationship with God. 2. For my relationship with my husband. 3. To be proud of myself and who I am, and to not feel like my personal life doesnt match what my public life would suggest about me. I dont like feeling like I have some kind of dirty secret or hidden life. I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. I really do want those things, but it's so hard. I don't want to let go of temporary pleasure. That's really all it comes down to. But I am re-committing to try. So here we go again.