Time to make some changes

Hey everybody,

Sorry for the length of this, but here's my intro.


Why am I here?


My reasons for being here (Nofap) are not entirely related to sex and porn, to be honest, they are psychological also. I guess, I've been feeling a bit frustrated, down and confused recently. This stems from the fact that I'm not really happy with my life in its current state. Most of this frustration is related to university. I very rarely apply myself properly to academic work and therefore, I am struggling to achieve standards that I demand of myself. I feel the main reasons for my struggles academically are my newfound tendency to seek isolation and an inability to concentrate. This is where I feel porn may be a larger factor than I currently recognize.


Usually I am quite an outgoing and friendly person. However, over the last couple of years I have found myself becoming more anti-social, reclusive and less confident. And when I do see my friends/family, I try to present the picture of that same guy but I feel I'm forcing it out of myself, as if I'm not being totally honest with anyone. It's a bit of a paradox; but sometimes I feel a bit lonely but I'd still rather be alone. Due to this, I’ve deliberately avoided a relationship, I don’t want to expose this side of myself to anyone. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I’m depressed and that porn is the cause. But yeah, I’m in a bit of a slump and maybe porn has something to do with it.



My Porn Problem.


I am currently at university battling my way through a physics degree. A lot of my frustration relates to my degree. I seem to be unable to commit wholeheartedly to it, therefore, end up wasting a LOT of time and obviously not achieving anything other than mediocrity at best. I invariably spend a lot of my wasted time watching porn. I watch it once or twice everyday. It is such a pointless waste of time. Furthermore, I REALLY struggle to focus on the task at hand and frequently that is down to thinking about sex. Then you guessed it; I go watch porn.


I have had sex with a few different girls, but more recently the experiences haven’t been very enjoyable and I haven’t managed to climax. I wonder if this is a result of porn skewing my view on sex or perhaps erectile dysfunction caused by excessive masturbation. Anyway, I’ve ended up not looking for girls to be intimate with anymore and instead just use porn to satisfy myself.


Friday Night.


On Friday night, I did something that I'm not proud of and I feel the internet is the only thing I can tell. I paid for sex.


I was in not a totally unusual state for me, horny as fuck and thinking about sex. I couldn't get it off my mind, I couldn't concentrate on anything at all. Equalling one horny guy pissed off at himself. So, I thought to myself, well we know how to make this problem go away, pay for sex. I had just had enough of the frustration. I wanted to be with a woman.


So, I called an escort and arranged to meet her. To be honest, at this point I was still super randy and was excited about what was to come. My weird porn altered brain thought I was going to walk in and fuck this girl silly and we would both have a great time. Honestly, how the fuck could I think that. How was she ever going to suddenly enjoy selling her body, I just hadn't thought about it. Anyway, it turns out I was to meet her at a brothel, not surprising really. As soon as I walked in I felt awkward, but I convinced myself that it would get less weird as I adjusted to my new strange surroundings. I paid her and was told to strip and lie on the bed. She left the room only to enter 2 minutes later in her underwear, for the record she had an awesome body, just like a pornstar. She then proceeded to put a condom on my cock and start sucking it, but I just couldn't get myself properly hard. We then awkwardly tried to have sex with my floppy cock. It wasn't good, this certainly wasn't how I had imagined it. At one point, she looked at the time on her phone and told me how long we had remaining. This re-enforced exactly how I was feeling, the whole thing just wasn't enjoyable there was zero bond, zero connection, zero warmth. It was all so clinical. At this point we stopped and I got dressed and spouted some probably awful small talk. As I walked away I felt shameful and numb, not satisfied or content.


The experience starkly highlighted to me that I had started to think of sex as only a physical act, a cock pounding a vagina. I think that’s what porn indoctrinates in you; that sex is only physical. Whereas, in reality sex is an intimate experience shared between two people. That’s what I wanted, the intimacy, the passion and the connection with someone else.


I definitely don’t feel proud of the fact that I paid for sex. Whether it is un-ethical to do so, I’m not sure. I think I’m ok with prostitution if it’s between two consenting adults. Obviously, some caveats apply to that last statement, such as the girl is a prostitute of her own choice etc. Having said that, it’s not my thing and I won’t ever be paying for sex again.

From a purely selfish point of view, this experience has encouraged me to do some serious thinking about where my life is at. Hopefully, it can be a catalyst to make some positive changes starting with a healthier approach to sex and intimacy. Furthermore, it was only from this experience that I realised that I didn’t just want the physical aspect of sex. I wanted the emotional aspect too; I wanted an intimate relationship with another human being.


Time to make a change.


I know need to make some pretty big changes to my habits if I want to get the best out of life. I spend FAR too much time wishing things were different and no time at all on making the difference. Anyway, the aim of writing this is mainly for self-documentation, I need to be honest and open with myself and this seemed like a good platform.


The changes that I desire to make are:


1) Approach everything in my life with an increased vigour.

2) Be more open and honest.

3) Focus on the present.

4) Stop wasting so much time (Abstain from porn).

5) Stop hiding behind the barriers I have created and become intimate with a girl again.


One thing that I currently know is that I have an unhealthy porn habit. I’m going to start the 90 day no porn and masturbation challenge from today. Furthermore, I wonder to what extent this dependence on porn is having on other aspects of my life. And if giving up porn will help me to achieve the other goals I have set myself. I guess only time will tell.


Thanks, M