Time to Kick Ass - My Journal

Discussion in 'Under 20' started by OrangeJuice13, Jan 6, 2017.

  1. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    Okey dokey, I made an account here a couple of days ago and was going to make a proper journal but I didn't have the time to think of what to write. Instead I wrote in my own personal journal but I think the important thing missing there is support from others. I made it 4 days before PMOing. On the fourth day, I saw some things that made me think about PMOing but I managed to stop myself and went out into the park for a walk, which really helped. However I was later doing some math and I got stuck and usually when I get stuck I end up touching myself, it's like when you chew on a pen and anyways, I didn't make it through that time.
    So I decided since I didn't make it on my own that I'm going to have to make the commitment to come to this site at least once every single day. My goal is to reach 6 months and the most I've made so far (whilst trying) is 8 days. A few years ago I almost did 3 weeks without trying and I really have no idea how to do it again. I'm determined to get rid of this shit once and for all, every time I stop PMOing on the 1st or 2nd day I feel full of energy and full of motivation to do anything and this is my #1 desire in life right now and one of the main reasons I want to break my addiction - so I can be full of energy every day.

    I've decided to set the conditions of my goal that I am not allowed to watch P or any other explicit content, nor M because every single time I do either of these, it's like the solid staircase I am climbing up to reach my goal turns into jelly and I slip all the way down and forego all the hard work I have put in. Indeed it is a slippery slope, and so to keep your footing you need all the support you can get! This is why I must visit this site at least once a day.

    I noticed on other parts of this site that cold showers seemed to help others, so I started doing this as well and I intend to continue taking only cold showers for the rest of the year. Or at the very most, allow myself one hot shower per month. I think this will be a good discipline building exercise.

    So, I'll put a counter here, starting from today. It's 3am on the 7th and I PMOd yesterday during the day so the real count starts when I wake up.

    07/01/2017 - Attempt 2 - Day 1. Let's kick some ass. Join me on my journey my friends and I promise you we will make it there together - but only together will we ever make it.
     
  2. ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved

    ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved Fapstronaut

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    Yeah! I'm on day 2! We'll be a day apart all the time. :)
     
  3. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    Sweet! Good to know I have a partner now.
     
  4. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    08/01/2017 - Attempt 2 - Day 2.
    Yesterday was pretty tightly packed, I had to receive some guests early in the morning and the rest of the day, from 5 to 10 we were out exercising, and I had a very nice cold shower afterwards! My body is aching today - but I feel so good! I went to sleep at around 12:30am which is much earlier than I usually do, and I got up at 8 and I feel very refreshed. Sufficed to say that making it through day 1 was easy as pie. Day 2 is not as packed but I have some plans of my own to make and I'm sure making it through the day without any temptations will be easy. Plus I am going back to work on Monday which will mean I will be occupied during the day, and I am sure this will help me loads. However I'm also kind of worried for work because they are going to assume I know how to do things but I pretty much know nothing. Pretty sure I'll make it through though.
     
  5. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    09/01/2017 - Attempt 2 - Day 3.
    These last few days have been so easy. I have been full of work and constantly surrounded by people, they are all very nice and so it's easy for me to be social, which I am glad about. Today I went back to work which filled up most of my day, and I will be exercising later on in the day. I have stayed true so far to my goal, to visit this site at least once every day and I think that this is critical, because in the first few days of trying nofap, it seems really easy because your goals, motivations, and potential benefits are so clearly in your mind and it's easy to abstain, but as you go down the days, these start to drift away slowly until you relapse. Coming back every day to see all the people here giving everything to change their lives, and also the supportive feedback from many is a good thing to keep you focused.
     
  6. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    10/01/2017 - Attempt 2 - Day 4.
    I didn't manage to go on the site today but I will tomorrow. Today was a really busy day at work and I later watched a movie with a friend, which is a really rare thing for me. The movie sucked but I don't mind. As yesterday, today was really easy to stick to my goal. The key of course is keeping yourself busy at all times, which I won't lie, is a very hard thing to do most of the time. I'm also being forced to wake up earlier at the moment and while I'm slightly tired during the day, I enjoy the extra time that I have, and the days feel much fuller. I don't think that this is a habit I will be able to keep up though, since my sleeping is always bad. I will try my best though. I also didn't exercise today as I did not have the time. I think I will tomorrow though. It feels like such a long time since I started but I'm only on day 4. I think it's because I'm getting up so early and have an extra 5-6 hours in the day, so over 4 days that's a whole extra 24 hours that I've had to do all kinds of things. That's a pretty startling thought, but one that fills me with happiness. I think I will have to make this sleeping thing another goal of mine because it seems to be really good for me.
    I'm not sure what else to write, so I'll be back tomorrow.
     
  7. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    11/01/2017 - Attempt 2 - Day 5.
    As yesterday, today was so easy. Work was just as packed as yesterday and then I played cards with my friends for the rest of the day. As I mentioned yesterday, being able to hang out with friends is a rare opportunity but since I have guests staying over, it is pretty easy now. I read two posts from this forum today which I think is enough to remind me of the benefits of doing this and keep my goals sharp in my head. So far this has been the easiest 5 days of nofap ever. I'm determined to keep it up and leverage my situation. Will make another post tomorrow night probably.
     
  8. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    12/01/2017 - Attempt 2 - Day 6.
    13/01/2017 - Attempt 3 - Day 7.
    I didn't make a post yesterday because I was too tired, but I got around to it today. I've made it to a week and in the past half a month I've only PMO'd about 3 or 4 times which sounds pretty great to me. I've been learning German for the last 4-5 months and today I spent an hour studying it which was fun. I've also found German TV shows and movies to watch and they're very entertaining and well made. It feels pretty good to be getting competent at a 2nd language (well, it's technically my 3rd language since English isn't my 1st) and I'm able to have basic conversations with myself and even others and know most of the words that I need. I'm on a pretty high streak on Duolingo of almost 50 days now and I practice every morning to make sure I don't lose the streak lol. Maybe I can experience a similar thing with this? Hopefully, although not doing something is much harder than actually doing it in some cases.
    I've stayed away from triggers really well the past week. There was a topless girl in a movie I saw today but I forced myself to look away and didn't get any urges. This is one of the most important things in rebooting I think, hence why my new rule was the second I touch P my streak is over, because once you see it there is no coming back and you've already lost your streak. Hopefully anyone who reads this post takes that advice! I would recommend it heaps because it really makes it easier. Rather than trying to stay disciplined and not MO it's more like a fun game where if you look at P or subs you lose. Kind of like those games you play as a kid of like, jumping around on furniture and the floor is lava and if you touch the ground you lose. Seriously, I recommend this.
     
    reystronaut, damhan, A Batman and 2 others like this.
  9. 1.1.17

    1.1.17 Fapstronaut

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    Great posts, thanks for sharing your story so far. Sounds like you're very self-aware of the 'dangers' we can run into, which I think will give you a huge advantage. Stay strong, you're doing brilliantly! (and congrats for the 7 day milestone!)
     
    OrangeJuice13 likes this.
  10. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    Hey, thanks dude! That made me feel really happy which is pretty irregular for communication on the internet :p I didn't realize anyone was reading this and was just doing it for myself lol! Yes I agree about dangers and such, the best cure is prevention right? :)
     
    Burner1 and 1.1.17 like this.
  11. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    14/01/2017 - Attempt 2 - Day 7.
    I didn't make a post for day 7 because my day was pretty full but I certainly made it through with no worries.
    I'm currently at the start of day 8 and I don't want to make a post yet because it wouldn't be right to make a post at the start of the day because who knows what could happen. I hope nothing does and I don't think it will. I also have a great story to tell which I will post at the end of the day, it's really good news.
     
    reystronaut likes this.
  12. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    15/01/2017 - Attempt 2 - Day 8.
    Ok, looks like I've made it close to the end of day 8 without a problem. Now, to tell my story.
    This morning, or last night, however you want to think about it, I went to bed at about 12:30 and fell asleep pretty quickly. I then woke up at 6 am because I actually had my first ever wet dream (I'm almost 20). **WARNING that there are little parts in the following paragraph that could be triggering to some people**
    It was an amazing experience, I remember in the dream thinking something like "Oh no, I ruined my streak now. But this is actual sex so it doesn't count." Though I wasn't really having sex in the dream but I had a really big O with another girl and I kept ejaculating and I thought it would never stop. Eventually I woke up and it was still kind of going and I think it actually felt like an O during the dream and after I woke up. I thought I'd have to change all my sheets but when I checked my underwear they were clean and there was only a little bit of precum. Is that normal for wet dreams? Or is it only a wet dream if something comes out?
    Either way, I think this is an incredible milestone in my life. I have not ever had a wet dream/sex dream because I have always been PMOing almost every single day for the last 5-6 years, and before that I can't remember how often I did, but when I was 12-13 I remember having 1 sex dream, but that was it. When I was growing up I was so worried, why have I never had a wet dream? I was scared every time I would have to sleep next to somebody that I would have one there and totally embarrass myself. Sufficed to say, I haven't had a sex dream since my early days of puberty.
    Eventually I realized that I wouldn't have a wet dream because I was PMOing every day. In the past 20ish days, I have only PMOd 4-5 times which I think is a fantastic achievement, and I now know that I am on the road to fixing my brain, even if I do relapse, so long as I keep trying to fight this I will one day be able to coexist in happiness with other people, and that seems like such a lovely thought that it even gives me strength in my journey.
    With all that said though, one thing I just realized which maybe just a coincidence or a sign that I still have a long way to go, is that in my dream, the girl did not have a face. She just had an identity and I was aware of her, and when I saw her my only interaction with her was with her breasts. Could this be a manifestation of how I, and probably most people reading this, always objectify and perv out women? Just a thought.

    Anyways, despite my good progress, my friends who were staying over at my/my parents' house have now left. Today was the hardest day for me in a long time, nothing to do with PMOing; in fact I didn't even get horny once. It was hard because the past week I have been with these great people and having an amazing time like I haven't had in almost ever. When they left, it was as if I had broken up with a lover (I've never had a girlfriend, but I was in love with someone for a few years before we had a really big fight and stopped talking to each other so I understand this sort of pain), I felt so empty and full of all sorts of emotions. I was angry, I was sad, I was remorseful, I was happy that it happened, I had such a weight in my heart like I have almost never had before and dealing with it was so hard. I even cried a few times. Other times I wanted to scream but felt helpless to do so. I had all this stuff inside me that I just wanted to let go, and I am now in a very depressive mood because of this experience and so I think that the next few days will be very hard for me, particularly in avoiding PMO urges.

    Also, this whole experience of interacting with people has left an impression on me. A good one, but not a very fortuitous one. You see, a week of being with fun people that you grow to love makes you happier than any other activity can make you. And so, at the end of all of this, I want to find more people who I can love like that and I wanted to go out with somebody today and have a good time with them. However, I don't know many people who would want to go out, and especially those few who I could have a good time are overseas currently enjoying their holidays. The sorrow of loneliness struck me hard and I kind of had this realization. When you enter this loop of constant PMO every day (I can't speak for everybody here, but this is my experience which is also a result of my love history as well), you block yourself off from human emotion, and become kind of indifferent to bad experiences and find joy in being sad constantly because when you are sad, nothing can possibly disappoint you. That doesn't mean you're never happy, but you learn to live as this brittle shell of a person. You can stand loneliness, you can stand unhappiness, you can stand many things because your PMO is giving you the last thread of happiness that you can find. But when you are with people whom you love, they begin to wear down this shell of yours, leaving behind your open self, and they slowly begin to rebuild you the way you were meant to be made. They give you true happiness, they give you love, they give you entertainment and action and give you a real life. But in order to keep this life, you need more people to have a connection with. So now I am not so much a brittle shell standing straight but a defenceless body crawling in more and more into a tiny little isolated ball. It's so paradoxical in a sense. When you are alone, you are sad but happy, but if you have people, you are happy (as in, not blocking your emotions by making yourself a shell) but you are sad. I don't know if that makes any sense.
    I have work tomorrow but work I don't have any real friends at work, only colleagues that are years older than me, and I don't know where to find more people to be with. Uni starts again in a month and a half, and I really can't wait. I have great friends at uni, the best I've ever had in my life. They have all the same interests as me and the same sense of humour, we have a lot of fun together. The semester should be pretty interesting as well, I'm taking two 3rd year subjects along with my 2nd year subjects (I am starting my 2nd year this year). One is an astrophysics subject and one is maths, along with a 2nd year physics and maths subject. I think I will do well this semester, much better than last year because I intend to be devoting this entire year to quitting PMO and I think I am on a good path right now. When I have beaten that, I will have so much energy and drive to succeed. I am sure that this is the year I turn my life around.

    I really hope that I don't end up relapsing because I know I have climbed a very large mountain, but there are many more to cross before I can reach happiness.
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2018
  13. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    16/01/2017 - Attempt 2 - Day 9.
    Today was soooo boring, but I made it through without any PMO urges. I was really lazy to do anything and I hope that tomorrow does not go that way because if it does then it will only make this journey harder for me. I enjoy studying German, and depending on what I'm doing, some maths as well. I like watching TV shows and some games, though games are kind of boring. I need to know what to do when I am bored, otherwise I will not make it through this week. I am on day 9 though, which is a big milestone. Every day from this point on is a big milestone, and I know it will only get harder. Wish me luck.
     
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  14. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    17/01/2017 - Attempt 2 - Day 10.
    Double digits! What a milestone. I'm pretty happy with myself. Though there are times where I feel extremely conscious of my private parts and I can see how these times can pose a threat to the future. I'm foreseeing a lot of trouble the next few days which I can hopefully avert. The reason is that on facebook it was this girl's birthday today and she's really hot (like, one of the 2 hottest girls that went to my high school) and I ended up scrolling through a few of her photos before I stopped myself. I'm taking this very seriously because this is the first step down a slippery slope that has PMO at the bottom. I will give myself this one strike but if I end up checking out girls on fb tomorrow or any time in the next few days, then I will have to reset my counter. I should also make an effort to minimize perving at girl in real life because, even though that's not as threatening (i.e usually you're in public so you can't do anything) it is still going to get those hormones rushing through your body and brain once more and like I said, it's all a slippery slope.
    On a more positive note, I finished a long 4-5 week project from work today, though it was only the first phase. Regardless, I feel pretty happy about that. I also bought a new phone last week and I'm expecting the arrival in 2 days. Pretty hyped to see if it's going to be any good.
     
  15. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    18/01/2017 - Attempt 2 - Day 11.
    Today was an easy day. I had 8 ish hours of sleep and got up around 9. This is a pretty early rise for me and I was pretty productive today. My phone arrived earlier than I expected it to and I've been playing around with it today and I love it. I haven't read any posts from the site in a while though, I need to make a note of it tomorrow. Though I had a nice cold shower today. It was hard getting in but once I did it went pretty nicely. I can see the long term benefits that can have in overcoming mental obstacles, so that's all the more reason to keep doing it. Day 12 will be a big day, but I'm confident I can make it through.
     
  16. 1.1.17

    1.1.17 Fapstronaut

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    You're killing it bro! So close to that two week milestone, you got this. Totally agree about cold showers, i've been trying them out and i'm starting to enjoy the rush of cold - after a while it makes hot showers seem a bit boring.
     
    Burner1 and OrangeJuice13 like this.
  17. Right on Man, amazing. We are just a few days astray, and this is also my 2nd attempt. We can do this.
     
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  18. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    19/01/2017 - Attempt 2 - Day 12.
    I'm starting to feel sometimes that I will never again wank in my life lmao. I've gotten random erections maybe 4 or 5 times in the past week, but when I do I can just ignore it. I have been doing a fantastic job of staying away from triggering things on social media and I am very pleased with myself about that, and for anyone doing PMO I can't stress enough how important this is. I know without question that if I hadn't been so strict on myself I would have relapsed many days ago. You think it isn't going to be a big deal but it's all a drug, even if you have a tiny little bit you need more otherwise your brain will make you extremely uncomfortable. So today, upon realizing that, I am very very happy.
    Today was an extremely busy day at work, I think I sent something like 20 emails but if all goes well I may have my work published which is very exciting since I'm only an undergraduate science student. I also went for a run and had a very cold and refreshing shower afterwards. I'm starting to love cold showers!
    I have been sleeping well and consistently throughout the duration of this attempt and the last 2 days, I have gone to bed some time between 12 and 1 and woken up at 8:30-9, and have noticed some great motivation in myself. I think this is a combined effect of everything that has happened the past 12 days. I can really see my life becoming better this year and can not imagine myself relapsing terribly and losing focus about my goals at all. Although this is my first attempt whilst writing on this site, I am on a terrific streak right now only because of this community, and I feel like I will stay on this streak for a very long time but only if I stay connected. I'm curious to see how things will shape up when semester starts and my workload quadruples. Hopefully by then I will be on a 52 day streak, which is almost two months holy moley, even the thought of that excites me and encourages me to keep it up.

    Thank you both so much. I know sometimes when you leave encouraging things you don't really feel like they're really going to help the person that much, but your words truly lifted my (already pretty high) spirits. It's so uplifting, really. FlashgordonsApe, we are in this together my man and I know that after we reach 14 days, we can make it to 21 without a sweat. We just need to stick together. Likewise to you 1.1.17, you fell over one hurdle a few days ago but you jumped right back up and you are now almost at the full week stage, I'm proud of you bro. Let's keep kicking ass together. :cool::cool::cool::cool:
     
  19. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    20/01/2017 - Attempt 2 - Day 13.
    Almost on week 2!! This is so exciting. Today was a heck of a busy day. We have all been working full steam at work to get our project done but we will be wrapping up in a few weeks. I feel very healthy. My sleeping has been consistent as I mentioned in yesterday's post, and I exercised again today and had another cold shower. I'm becoming better and better at bearing the cold water, and I also feel like I'm becoming better and better at abstaining. It's almost like I have all the secret keys that you need to get through that nofap door. Well, those two secrets are blocking off triggering content and consistently coming back to this site. I'm confident that I will make it through day 14 but I need to spend a lot of time on this site, because I know the temptation of 'celebrating' 2 weeks has taken down many. Likewise it's a Saturday so I won't be preoccupied with work, but that leaves me time to continue working on my own personal projects.

    I did have one thought. I'm almost on a 60 day streak on duolingo now and I compared for a moment how long it felt since I started that streak and how long it will take to reach that number while abstaining. I felt like all the way to 2 months would be so boring without any M ... so I'm taking that to mean that I'm not yet ready to give it up as I thought. This is something I have to tackle head on. I need to find some new activity to fill up my time. Though some of my friends are coming back from overseas in a few weeks and I think hanging out would be a great idea.
    Getting hyped for tomorrow. Not sure how to celebrate, but tonight I'm enjoying myself a nice relaxing friday night with some pizza and a movie :):):):):)
     
  20. Two weeks lalala, two weeks lalala. Congrats!!!
     
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