Time to get serious (Diary)

Too many reboots too count. Been getting more and more serious about this over the years. The past too years I have been really trying! (on and off). So much so that I have gotten completely used to failing.... I am not just going to accept it.

As I rebooted today, tomorrow will be day one. I will post on here, my thoughts, experiences and progress. A minimum of once a week on Mondays (after lunch) but if I am tempted I may well post more.

 

So I rebooted already... Yesterday which was day 3. Everything was going well I was smashing out everything I had to do that day and feeling good. Pushed extra hard in a good workout. Then after when stretching a put on some random entertainment on youtube (not anything in any way sexual or with pretty women or anything. And something just switched and a whole load of reasons and excuses for my actions filled my head and I thought ah I can just start again tomorrow. As always I am ashamed at my lack of self control and just terrible ability to do this over and over... and as usual immediately afterwards I felt all the regret.

I stopped smoking weed the whole time. I quit all the party drugs I used to take. I stopped smoking. I got heavily into training hard. I got into the habit of getting up a 6 every morning. All these things take a lot of will power. I have even been practising meditation (which although super hard I have again been sticking at). Even eating super well, Intermittent fasting and loosing weight.

But this the most detrimental of all (save maybe the drugs) I am seemly so powerless to. Also being a sucker for some sugary treats I guess it is to do with our evolutionary hard wiring. But dam obviously we are not powerless to it! I can do with out it and I am still determined to!

So starting again today. This is day one. Posts will be on Fridays around lunch now.

 

Have to reboot again...

Got drunk on friday night. Had a big argument with my girlfriend. Recovering from the night I got ill and just felt miserable. Yesterday I thought that she was going to be away for a bit and I convinced myself that it would make more sense to start later. It wasn't longer after I regretted it and wanted to get straight back to the reboot.

My end date wasn't clear before, as I have not been doing hard mode, I just wanted to be done with it. But I am rethinking that, and recon an end date is necessary at the moment. So I'm starting with a 30 day challenge. Starting today obviously.

Not being on hard mode has done nothing but undermine it so far. I used to rock in bed. I have got steadily worse with this long term girlfriend. PMO has just made me last less and less long and witnessing it my confidence in bed has just got worse and worse. The day after I keep going back to PMO because of this. It's and awful love-hate relationship with PMO. I can't wait to be rid of it. She can't wait for me to either. She has been so patient, but she has lost belief in me. Time to show us both.

Hopefully keeping track of results on here will be helpful for my progress, and others too if people are interested in how it might effect theirs.

 

So today is day 4. Feeling really good about it. Thoughts come and go. Whenever I get a though it almost worries me which is weird. Like I've lost all trust in myself to control my own actions. It can only be a good thing as I am just more aware how the addiction makes you think differently and in the moment your not thinking straight. So I should be worried about not thinking straight. That is all it is and it is good as I want to do this.

It has been hard mode so far. We have both been under the weather all week which usually wouldn't stop me. I a little concerned about next week she is away for 2 nights in a row and it will certainly be a time of temptation. I know already that I will be tempted to tell myself she wouldn't know and I can just start again tomorrow. This is obviously terribly flawed logic... I know and I will never get out the metiforical front gate of this journey if I keep up with that nonsense.

Monday will be day 7, this should be motivational to keep going! What I would usually do is pat myself on the back, thinking I did a week from tomorrow I will do 2 weeks. Hopefully writing this all on here will help. As I don't want to do that and I want the me on that day to be of the same mind as the me right now. That is a good one

 

Back to day one today.

It's crazy how I feel I'm am gonna get this, and then so quickly just don't even want to. PMO both Monday and yesterday. I told myself I could once more before bed last night but I didn't even want to. So I didn't. So I will take that as starting off on a good foot and get back on it! Day1