Tiger uppercut presents : the ramblings of a fool

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Tiger uppercut!, Aug 1, 2018.

  1. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Fapstronaut

    Welcome all to my journal. I’ve started one before but I’m not too sure what came of it. I guess I must have strayed from it.

    Anyway...I’m 37. I’ve been watching porn since I was in 5th grade. Yep...VHS tapes. Porn always seemed to be available everywhere I went. Obviously this has become a problem. I’ve gotten off to everything from girls twerking on YouTube to sissy hypnosis. I’ve seen it all...

    It got to a point earlier this year that I decided to quit. I was ignoring my wife and kids, hiding in the bathroom to rub one out. I’d take long “showers”. It always felt like I was never in the moment. If I ever saw a attractive girl in public then I couldn’t wait to get home to fap. PIED has been around for a long time. I’ve been using pills to have sex with my wife...and when that happens I was usually fantasizing about something else completely. It was time to say goodbye to porn for good.

    One problem...it turns out it’s not that easy. Since I started in February this year I’ve had 151 clean days. My longest streak is 28 days. So there was some relapses sprinkled in there. The withdrawals have really put me through a test like no other. I have never had withdrawals as bad as this...and I’ve had my fair share. It literally feels like I’m about to go crazy and wake up in the looney bin at times.

    What I want is to be a better overall person, to live in the moment, to actually feel feelings other than horniness, to be a good father, to be a good husband, to not rely on pills to have sex with the woman I married, and to not be so selfish.

    If anyone is reading you are more than welcome to comment or ask questions along the way. Hopefully keeping a journal will help with things and also help me wrap up my day.

    Best wishes to the rest of you and good luck!
     
    ClassyKing and guyinsideout like this.
  2. zanehe

    zanehe Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I am sure that quitting PM is good for your sex problems and harmony with your wife.
    So, keep up the good work!
     
    Tiger uppercut! likes this.
  3. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Fapstronaut

    Thanks, zanehe. I hope that will be the outcome. Only time will tell.
     
  4. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Fapstronaut

    Today has been a tough one. My brain feels like mush. I can’t think straight. I feel depressed and irritated. I have urges but nothing is moving downstairs. There is one thing that has been kicking my ass the most though...

    Insomnia.

    I can’t remember the last time I slept throughout the night and got rest since February. I’ve had weeks go by on just 7-10 hours of sleep this year. Sometimes I’ll use sleeping pills but if they do knock me out I’m awake a hour later. It’s driving me crazy. I understand insomnia is a withdrawal symptom but this is getting ridiculous.

    So all in all today just plain sucked. I’m a lifeless lump on the couch trying his hardest not to have a anxiety attack. I have no motivation to do anything and I just want all this to go away. In earlier streaks I tried rubbing one out to feel better...only to find out I’ll feel better for a hour or two then I feel 4 times worse. So...I guess I’m in quite the pickle here...

    I hope everyone is having a wonderful day/night! Stay strong. I shall try my best to fight through another night and push this current streak to 9.
     
    guyinsideout and livingthedream like this.
  5. livingthedream

    livingthedream Fapstronaut

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    I feel ya. I'm at 7 days today and it's crazy to think. It's SO hard to quit omg. I don't feel so bad with this community around and guys like you basically feeling the same way I feel. I think it's like alcohol and alcoholics...not everyone that drinks will become an alcoholic but a certain percentage will. We accept that as a society in order to have freedom but that cost means you've got guys like us on these forums. The good news is that it's not entirely our fault, we're not "bad" people. It's just a certain kind of brain wiring that we need to keep in check. Other people have things they need to keep in check too, so we're never alone. Everyone has burdens they bear. You're doing the right thing. Every time you relapse and start over guess what...that's exactly the right thing to do. Don't beat yourself up just come here and post a lot to your friends. :)
     
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  6. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the post @livingthedream ! You are totally right...having like minded people around that are all going through the same thing helps tremendously.

    Hit the nail on the head here. I tend to beat myself up in the present for letting porn take over my life...but in the past I didn’t know any better. We are not bad people and we are trying to fix that wiring!

    Thank you for chiming in! Let’s keep pushing on.
     
    livingthedream likes this.
  7. livingthedream

    livingthedream Fapstronaut

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  8. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Fapstronaut

    It feels like I’m just here...existing. No real purpose in life. Just here. Ive been very sad these past two or three days. I can’t explain why. I’ve stopped looking at Facebook during this streak. Too many girls flaunting their bodies on there. It was almost impossible for me to go on there and not see at least one of them. I wonder if my brain is starving because of it. I don’t know...but I don’t miss Facebook. Not one bit.

    I find myself here instead. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve simply replaced Facebook with nofap. Not sure...but it’s got to be a better alternative.

    I was so down earlier today that I expressed to my wife that I’m starting to doubt all of this. That we as men are supposed to be sexually charged and nofap is simply just making me depressed because of it. I’ve had zero movement downstairs and it seems like things have gotten worse than they were before I quit. She explained to me that this is all part of the process. That my brain is fucking with me right now...and that in itself is a scary thought. The thing that got me is she went on to tell me that since I’ve started all this that she’s seeing slight improvements in my behavior. Glimmers of hope she calls them. She tells me I don’t see them but she sure as hell does and it’s been good for our family.

    So I had to take a step back and think about that. Was she lying to me? I don’t know...but I don’t want to think she is. It makes me want to push forward...to keep becoming better and better for her and our children. I’m so thankful I have a wife that is so supportive through all this. Without her there would be zero chance of success for me.

    On a side note I go back to work on Tuesday from vacation. The thought of going back to the daily grind is already bothering me.

    Well I hope all of you are having a fantastic day/night! Continue to push on! I shall try to get through the rest of this day and push the current streak to...10? Yep 10.
     
  9. hermit_ninja

    hermit_ninja Fapstronaut

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    At least with alcohol most people are aware of the risks.

    I think P sites should be forced to put warnings all over them informing people about things like PIED.
     
    livingthedream likes this.
  10. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Fapstronaut

    I couldn’t agree more. People should really force this issue. I’m terrified to think about how the generations after us will function. It’s only going to get worse with VR porn.
     
    hermit_ninja likes this.
  11. livingthedream

    livingthedream Fapstronaut

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    I agree. If we can force warnings on cigarettes why not P, which is legal but it’s still a public health risk.
     
    hermit_ninja likes this.
  12. guyinsideout

    guyinsideout Fapstronaut

    Your journal really hits home with me. I completely understand what you are feeling. Totally in the same boat. Since I've started this reboot so many feelings, depressed, anxious, brain mush, stress, sadness, no will to do anything, no movement downstairs, etc... it's overwhelming at times. I hope these are all related to withdrawal. Have gotten better, I found meditation to be a great help. Since I really didn't know too much about mediation I'm using some apps to go about it, they are helping tremendously. Right now I am going through the free trial of Headspace after that I will try Calm and see which one I like best.

    This community is vital to this process, so helpful to find others who you can relate to and not feel completely alone and like a freak in this whirlwind cycle of emotions.

    Keep journaling, keep going, together we are all stronger. Thanks for sharing your experience.
     
    Tiger uppercut! likes this.
  13. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the post @guyinsideout ! It does help a lot to know that I am not the only one going through this. Ive had longer streaks than this before but this time the withdrawals are beating me down harder than before.

    I’m glad the meditation is working for you. I’m seems to help numerous people. I’ve tried all the apps and stuff and it’s just not for me. I can’t get into it at all...at least not at the moment. I must be in the minority because everyone else raves about it.

    I feel like complete hell right now and honestly don’t have the brain power to do a journal entry tonight...but I’m still pushing on.
     
  14. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Fapstronaut

    Well I got through the night. My brain literally felt like it was melting yesterday. The day started off well. I took my oldest son to the retro arcade. Ahhh the nostalgia runs deep in those places. The arcade community was a huge part of my life growing up. I miss it dearly.

    Anyway we had a great time there. After that he had been asking to go to one of my old friends house so he can run around with his two boys. It was nice to see a old friend and catch up. Normally all we did was drink and jam a lot so it was a little weird just talking and not getting smashed. It did feel like something was missing the entire time though. Our kids did a little jam session. It was wonderful to watch them jam even if it was just a bunch of noise.

    Then I started to feel strange. I was sweating and feeling very anxious. I told them we had to jet for some reason that I made up completely. I feel bad for tearing my son out of there while he was having fun but when I’m having a panic attack its fight or flight. When we got home I literally laid in my dark room for the rest of the day/night. My brain was on fire...intrusive thoughts...major anxiety. It was brutal.

    I didn’t give in though. I’m proud of that. So another day down! I hope everyone is having a wonderful day/night! Keep pushing guys!

    I might have another journal entry tonight as the day wraps up. So far this morning has been chill and I’m in good spirits. I hope that’s a sign of a turnaround happening.
     
    hermit_ninja likes this.
  15. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Fapstronaut

    Today just kind of drifted by. I didn’t really do anything productive. I played some mega man...it was fun while it lasted.

    As I sit down to write this I’ve come to realize that I’ve had zero withdrawal symptoms today. At least I haven’t noticed any. Not once today did I feel tempted to watch porn either. My wife is gone as we speak and it just isn’t something I want to do right now. That is HUGE progress for me. While it’s probably just a rare occurrence I’m still proud of it. I’m watching my youngest who is 2 years of age stomp around the living room watching Sesame Street. I feel very at peace. It’s moments like this one that I have to remind myself to sit back and soak it all in. They won’t last forever.

    Alright everyone I hope you are having a wonderful day/night. Stay strong and never give up no matter what. We are all more than our addiction.
     
    ClassyKing likes this.
  16. ClassyKing

    ClassyKing Fapstronaut

    I love that your a dad that plays games. Does your son like megaman and street fighter like you do?
     
    Tiger uppercut! likes this.
  17. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Fapstronaut

    He’s a gamer but is just now getting around to retro gaming and collecting them. I started him off on LEGO Batman and he LOVED LEGO Star Wars. Later he got into Minecraft and now it’s fortnite. He will watch me play fighting games but it’s never really been his thing. As far a mega man goes he asked me where do you change the difficulty settings lol. I think he just likes the collecting aspect of the old games more than anything else. Gives us both something to do together.
     
    ClassyKing likes this.
  18. ClassyKing

    ClassyKing Fapstronaut

    Lol that sounds awsome. Maybe you two will bond over megaman 11 when that comes out.
     
    Tiger uppercut! likes this.
  19. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Fapstronaut

    Ha! I hope so. I’m so stoked for that. Let’s hope they don’t screw it up.
     
  20. guyinsideout

    guyinsideout Fapstronaut

    Glad to hear your withdrawals are better! It is hell going through them, I still have days when my brain is just mush, my body feels like a ton of bricks and no will or motivation to do anything. They are getting fewer though. I know what you mean by "today just floated by" I never know whether to be happy that it floated by with no PMO or sad that is floated by with nothing productive being done. I guess we have to celebrate the victories no matter how small. Sorry to hear meditation doesn't work for you, good for you for trying it out.

    That's awesome that you spend time with your kids like you do. Not a parent here but can appreciate when a dad spends fun, quality time with his kids.

    You are on a good streak, keep going!
     
    Tiger uppercut! likes this.

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