Three years clean from PMO today

I was a severe PMO addict for 40 years (4-5 times per day every day). I was also addicted to random hook ups with guys in sketchy , plus to hire hundred of male escorts for sex. All this while being married and with two kids.
Three years ago from today I touched the bottom of my addiction. I was feeling depressed and sad all the time, a feeling of a hand pressing my chest was permanent.
I felt trapped but did not know how to escape from this.
Believe it or not I did not know I was an addict to MO and porn. I thought that the problem was being bisexual, did not find weird the fact that I needed to jerk off like a monkey 4-5 times per day, and has the compulsive desire to be hours and hours in front of a screen googling pictures , stories and videos, jumping from one to the other every 2 minutes, craving for more because nothing was enough to satisfy my cravings any more.
I could not ask for help, so my subconscious did it. Knowing that I could get discovered, I paid anyway a P website with my credit card (did I mention that I spent thousand of dollars in P sites and escorts?). So, my son did discover the payment in our CC statement, and I needed to create some lies to hide it. I said that my CC number was probably duplicated, but he called the e- billing company and he learned that the person that logged in to this porn site knew the password I always used, so I am sure he did not buy my excuses at all.
I felt standing by the side of a cliff, ready to jump. I was in the verge of losing everything and everybody I love in my life.

I felt so trapped and depressed that I did what I always did in those cases: I hired another escort. But this time was different. Instead of the typical “pay me , quick 10’ sex, now get out of here” session, this guy invited me to sit down and started talking. He was a top porn star for the most famous gay porn studio in Europe ( they come a lot to Miami in winter to work as escorts). For some reason he told me about his life. He was not even gay, had a girlfriend and was doing this work because he needed to support his very poor family in Hungary. He told me how the owner of the studio “had the right”to sleep with any of the actors ever.y night. How they are forced to have sex without condoms because this is what “the clients like”. How their HIV tests where forged if they come positive. He told me that the average life for a P star is 40 years, they die for overdose, AIDS or domestic violence. That most of them have a pimp that takes 70% of their payment, and sells them the drugs to keep the show running. It was very sad. But the worst part was that even listening to this, I still had sex with him, instead of leaving. I was active, even knowing that he was in pain. When I left his apartment, sat down in my car and started crying. I felt like an animal who could not stop to do something that I knew it was wrong. I prayed to God to help me, because I did not know how to get out of that shit.

Two days later I found by chance NoFap. I was in the gym riding bicycle while reading my IPad , and for some unknown reason a windows about PMO popped up.
I was not watching P in the gym, so I cannot find any reason why this happened.
To make this post not so long, this is the post I wrote after the first month clean ( which also but some miraculous coincidence, “became back to life” again a few weeks ago, while I was approaching my 3 years):

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...fe-the-happiest-day-in-my-last-decades.40301/

My reboot was a road to rediscovering myself. On the 8th month, I started to remember that I was sexually abused by three older kids at the school restroom when I was 10. Mark Queppet from NoFap Academy recommended me to get back to the place where I recalled my addiction started, and I knew it was during those years in that school. In one of my trips to my hometown Buenos Aires I chose to visit that school, and as soon as I entered my attention got focused to that restroom. As soon as I entered all the memories started to pop up in mi brain. I realized that I could not cope with the guilt and the trauma that this episode caused me, and I hide all this memories behind sexual fantasies, MO first and P , hook ups and escorts later on. During 40 years all my memories were shuttered behind the addiction. Only after 8 month of reboot, when my brain started becoming less contaminated and more clear, I could start the process of remembering, forgiving myself and healing.

So, I ended up opening up with my wife, telling about my addiction and my struggles. It was not an easy thing, we had some bumpy times in our relationship, she got hurt about so much deceiving her and hiding. She felt that something was not right, she was telling me this all the time. So when she realized that it was true she felt betrayed. Fortunately we managed to stay together. We have better days and worst days, and I do not know if our relationship will one day be the same than before. But I do not regret telling her the truth. This was an important part of the success of my reboot.
During these 3 years I also told my story to a few of my closest friends. They understood and did not judge me. This also helped me to start healing.

These are some things that helped me to succeed:
I recommend you to create your own "Emergency Toolbox" with readings that can be handy to read when you start feeling urges to screw up.
I can share this post with you with my own Emergency Toolbox, it helped me a lot during the first few months, i had them in my cell and read them every time I started falling down:

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...y-first-320-days-of-reboot.62938/#post-473978

I wrote some tips in this post that perhaps will help you too:

http://NoFap.com/forum/index.php?threads/tips-that-helped-me-to-start-my-reboot.46617/#post-330318
You can watch some interesting videos which are also very helpful in this post:
http://nofap.com/forum/index.php?th...t-help-me-a-lot-during-my-reboot.39774/page-2
I also suggest you to read "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins, it is a must-read if you are serious about getting rid of this addiction.
To get more focus and feel happier with life I recommend you to start doing meditation.. I have been using an App called Headspace for the last two months which is great if you have never meditated before. The first 10 sessions are free if you want to give a try. I used to feel a bit depressed or feeling without energy to start new projects in my life, and meditation has helped me a lot with this.

Last but not least, I would strongly recommend you to take the NoFap Academy course if you can afford it. The course is great but the best value are the weekly video calls with @alexander (the creator of NoFap and NoFap Academy) and Mark Queppet, where you can chat with them in real life and listen to other guys's stories and problems During the reboot.

Fellow Fapstronauts : The reboot was not easy, and I had very rough times, specially during the first year. Every time I feel stressed by some problem at my job or at home with my wife, some fantasies or urges still appear sometimes. But all the pain and sacrifice is worth it. I am a free man now. I acknowledge my weak points and learned how to live with them. Some days I feel powerful and some days I feel less strong. But I do not hide behind any deceitful shield any longer. I face reality and chose to fight adversity. I do not blame my past any longer for my current failures. I chose to stay one extra day PMO free every day, as if it were the first day of my reboot.
I define myself as a “former rehabilitated PMO addict “,I know that “the Gremlin “, as the guys from NoFap Academy define the addiction, is weak and sleepy inside me, but ready to wake up if I allow him. I know that “is better to endure some pain today instead of seeking instant gratification all the time, in order to live a better future”

Just want to finish this (assuming anyone read the whole thing) with a sentence that saved me so many time when I was almost relapsing:
“To know if something is good or bad for you you need to ask yourself two questions : where does this lead me? And how this will leave me?”
If the reply is not good, do not do it.

Keep on fighting
Fercho

 

Hi Fapstronauts:
I appreciate your congratulations and compliments but unfortunately I do not deserve it today.
I regret to tell you that I relapsed two days ago.
I am an idiot, got to 3 years and two days and relapsed!
The weekend was very bad with my wife. I tried to make her happy for Mother's Day, but she was in a bad mood (she is going through he menopause and this makes her depressed) and things went South.
I felt pissed because I bought her a present, a card, balloons and prepared BBQ for her, our son and her sister.
In the evening I wanted to go to the gym to do some bicycle, because I felt very anxious, but she pushed me to go to the Mall instead, which i find very boring.

I was very stressed and angry, so I could not fell asleep until 3 AM. I started looking to a few pictures of nice guys in Pinterest (not nude pics), but soon i tried to look to the escort website I used to use. That was a stupid move.
The K-9 was still in place so I could not access any of them, and finally I fall asleep, but was already too horny. It was 2 months since we had sex for last time, so this did not help neither.
The following morning I went to the gym in the morning, even with barely 4 hours of sleep, trying to vent away all my frustration an anger.
But it did not work. As soon as I got to the office I started trying to browse the escort page. I uninstall the K-9, knowing that it was a mistake I would regret.
So once again, after 3 years, I was in my office, with a lot of people in other rooms, (even my wife in the office next to mine), watching pictures of guys and some short nude videos (it was not really P, just guys jerking off).
I got very tempted for a couple of the escorts, and realized how dangerous and stupid would be to call them.
But on the other hand I needed a relief, so I chose the smaller of the bad options and went to the restroom to MO . I was thinking 2 seconds before ejaculating: "this is stupid and I will regret it so much". But unfortunately I did not want to stop this time. It was like I wanted to punish myself and punish my wife. Which was very, very stupid.
I got back to my office and told myself: "ok, now, I need to do risk management now, an avoid binging and the Chaser effect. You cannot get depressed now, this will make things even worst".
So I immediately installed again the K-9 and did some meditation.
I was sad, so i called my AP to talk. He was great and took the drama out of this.
He made me realize that I was 3 years without MO, after 40 years of doing it 3-4 times per day.
This proves that I can do it again. That I am capable of fighting this once and again.
Am i happy? Of course not?
Am I proud? Even less!
But I decided not to become a victim once again. I need to keep fighting. I know that, we know that this fight will be forever.
I hate myself because I have this "Gremlin" inside, always ready to wake up when I am stressed or feel trapped in a problem. But this is who I am, and this is my reality.
I told my wife at night what happened, not to make her feel guilty, but because I do not want to lie. I need to be responsible of my acts, even when they are stupid.
I was still angry, part with her and part with myself.
Yesterday I felt a bit better, and we had a convesration. We tried not to argue, and to pacify things.
Some times I feel this has no resolution . She feels overwhelmed by me and “my constant success”, while I feel right now I am good for nothing.
In some ironic way, she idolize me as much as I do with all this muscular guys: overestimate them and thinking they are God.
Last night I was in a business trip in a hotel, just by myself.
I ddi not want to take any risks, so I got back to all the things I implemented 3 years ago: when I finished working I went to practice Tai Chi in the beach watching the sunset on the ocean. i went for dinner to my favorite French restaurant in town, to give myself some gratification.
So I did not arrive to the hotel until very late, and just in case I went to the gym to make sure I would be tired enough to fell asleep without any temptation.
I was successful 3 years ago, and I will be again now.
I am sorry for disappointing so many of you that gave me so much support all this time.
I will keep on fighting
Fercho
PS: Watching my counter in 2 days, after reaching 1097 days clean hurts. But this is now a good reason not to relapse...I want my counter to show +500 days again