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Thoughts On Reviewing Resources With PA

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by gymismylife, Feb 13, 2019.

  1. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    What are everyone's thoughts on sharing the info we've gathered from various resources about what we are experiencing as a result of our partners addiction, with our partner. My SO is of the impression that since he's stopped using porn, that the problem should just be solved. I should be over it. He doesn't understand that it's a process and that he should be more patient with me when I get angry at him sometimes for "stupid reasons". I tried sharing a short video about what the SO of a PA goes through, and he became defensive. I've recently joined bloomforwomen.com and there are some great courses for partners of addicts. I want to listen to some of them with him, but I'm unsure if it's a good idea.
     
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    For my husband, I had to let him come to that conclusion on his own, and that meant letting him fail by relapse, reset, whatever. He had to see for himself that simply abstaining wasnt enough.
     
  3. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    I'm not so worried about him relapsing. I have accepted that he likely will. He knows I support him. He knows that it's safe to tell me. My concern is that I want him to understand what I'm going through and my healing process I 3ant him to know that I'm not healed just because he's committed to recovery, that doesn't mean that things are just all better.
     
  4. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    so IMO it's crucial for PAs to at some point realize the extent of the pain/suffering/crisis they have created. and then to own it. A key piece of (any, I think) addiction is it's overarching and severe selfishness - that is the addict gets so caught up in his cycle, his mind is so engrained in the escalating anxiety, the white knuckling to abstain, the fall, the self-loathing - that it literally takes all available emotional energy to deal with that, to push it down, and then try to still minimally function with daily life. the addict is emotionally consumed by that, and there simply is not anything left for others. it is not selfish by design - but it is 100%, suffocatingly, hopelessly self-focused.

    that means that the PA literally has no idea what you are going through. and there are a 1000 ways to rationalize that you should be going through nothing. it is an awful place to be. as the light bulb begins to come on for the PA, it can actually make things worse - as the PA owns that he not only has f'ed up his own life, but also caused genuine pain and suffering to those he loves, the self-loathing can escalate enormously, and he may not have the skills yet to cope with that constructively. and that is not your problem - don't feel guilty about that - it is just the landscape in the county he is in.

    all that being said (or typed ;-) ) - IMO opinion you need to also own your own recovery. it sounds like you are - and that is fantastic. I know it sucks that your husband is not owning his damage to you yet... and while that makes it harder, in the end it doesn't limit your ability to still recover. I expect that for most PAs the realization and owning will occur naturally as they emerge from the fog and the cycle and the defensiveness.

    don't let him gaslight - tell you that you are the problem. I know many people have benefited from the Dr Weiss videos - (i think the less popular Dr Weiss, not Doug). occasionally share something with him to see if he is more open yet or not. being defensive is a sign he is not yet ready. if it continues this way for say 6 months, and he is personally improving but not with this, then maybe more drastic steps are required.

    HTH some. I feel for you. you are not alone - I think every SO goes through this to some extent until us PAs get out heads pulled out enough to be human.
     


  5. Or Michael Keaton
    in ‘Clean and Sober’

    Great movies.
    Have triggering scenes,
    Preview and have
    fast forward button in hand?

    We see things when we see them.

    I think some of the movies out there might also help review the addiction recovery idea, but as ‘entertainment’.

    My wife was having trouble getting her head around the idea of the first step in AA.

    When I mentioned chocolate as an addiction, she seemed to immediately understand... :)

    Be present,
    have resources ready.
    Sometime when he has relapsed
    and contrite
    or more open
    or asks.

    Then offer some up.
     
    gymismylife and phuck-porn! like this.
  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I have had to accept the fact that while my husband knows that he has hurt me deeply, he has no concept of the pain he has put me through. I dont think he has ever really tried to understand because i dont think he can handle it. I had to get to a point where that had to be okay with me. He did not mean to hurt me. He did not realize he was hurting me. I knew it would be more detrimental to him to try to express to him my extreme pain. I had to heal on my own. Him working his recovery and learning to love me helped me heal, but expressing my deep pain was/is not part of that process. Maybe it will be eventually. He's not there yet. Maybe it wont be ever. I kind of feel like by the time he is there the point will be moot. There won't be a reason to bring up the past if we are both to a good point of healing. But all that said, he has never tried to gaslight me or acted like I should be over it. He just isnt an active part of my healing. I've had to learn to do that on my own.
     
  7. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry EWO. You're a strong and amazing person. :)
     
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  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. We are moving forward. He has made big strides in his recovery, which in itself has a huge part in my healing.
     
  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Has he watched, or would he be willing to watch, the Helping Her Heal videos by Dr. Doug Weiss?
     
  10. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    I feel like that's what I'm going to have to do. As much as I want to share my experience in this, I don't want to stunt his recovery, and I don't want him to feel more shame than he already does. He knows it hurt me. He stopped because he doesn't want to continue hurting me. That's going to have to be good enough.
     
  11. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure. I'll check.them out for sure.
     
  12. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

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    My Journal
    When there's a habit of lots of sharing, it can feel a bit nitpicking on the other end. And, like a caged cat, it can kind of evoke restlessness or a flight instinct. Right or wrong, that's just a natural tendency. Defensiveness is also not very attractive, so then there's a whole descending spiral pattern which may not be helpful.

    The problem with the addict brain is it's so low on energy. You're probably operating on lots of willpower and energy of soul to dedicate. On the recovery side, it can kind of feel exhausting just to function at expected levels. Over time, that matures and it's easier. All that might even be difficult or too advanced to express by an earlier initiate on the basic path. And, some people also have a different goals for relationship and connection level. Romantics out there more often want the total-honesty and share-everything approach. So, both sides understanding what they want in a relationship and common goals helps -- which means plenty of communication.

    That being said, feeling like you're doing your half alone seems unfair. Yet, honorable. Interesting how lots of people here feel like they're in a one-sided relationship. PA's with apathy on the other side and devoid of connection of forgiveness needed. Spouses with so much more desire to see strong and commanding efforts that are undoubtedly owed. These may not be irreconcilable, just annotate that more healing will help on the other side of the relationship.
     
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  13. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Both my boyfriend and I share things we read here and elsewhere. He is open to it and not defensive about it though. I think it is a good idea, and leads to conversations. I'd worry if he was defensive or had the 'get over it' mindset that he is still stuck in the addict brain/thinking. Accepting and acknowledging the pain they have caused is part of recovery.
     
  14. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    Yes. I think you're right. It's a bit early to share so much. He's not.willing to accept the depth of pain he caused. He should focus on his healing. That's enough for me right now. He's agreed to stop and is really trying, because he knows that it hurts me and because he knows it us hurting him.
     
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  15. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    That's so awesome. I'm so glad you are able to share with him. I hope to be there with my boyfriend someday.
     
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  16. YourWayDoesntWork-MyTurn!

    YourWayDoesntWork-MyTurn! New Fapstronaut

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    I'm new here, this is my first comment. Can someone send me a link for said video above?
     
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  17. YourWayDoesntWork-MyTurn!

    YourWayDoesntWork-MyTurn! New Fapstronaut

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