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Thoughts Haunt Me

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Stef72, Jun 6, 2017.

  1. Stef72

    Stef72 New Fapstronaut

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    I'm new here & wish all partners love & hope.
    I'm engaged to a wonderful man who I know adores me & my boys from a previous marriage.
    I knew he had some DVDs from before he met me that still he watched on occasion. About 1 1/2 years ago, we moved in together & he had access to my laptop for gaming. He's not computer savvy at all but well enough to have discovered the ease of looking up porn (he only knew of 1 site, but thats enough).
    A couple of times I walked in on him watching porn. At the time it didnt bother me as occasionally I watched too.
    His sex drive isn't the highest for a man anyway,
    BUT..around Oct or Nov last year, his sex drive had practically vanished. He was still caring & loving but the intimacy was completely missing. I would initiate things & get turned down day after day.
    He said nothing was wrong. I guess he didn't realise himself what the issue was.
    The constant rejection began to take it's toll on me & I felt so guilty at becoming a paranoid, clingy mess.
    I decided to check the laptop history & there it was, row after row of porn.
    I did alot of research & tried to explain to him the effects porn has on his brain.
    At first he didn't get what I was trying to say. I felt so lonely, lost, ugly.
    I needed him intimately & emotionally but I was alone in that way.
    I don't know how but finally 1 day he got it & I broke down sobbing.
    He quit that day.
    It may sound strange but what I am finding hardest to deal with now is the thoughts of him getting off over other women, that randomly pop into my head.
    They haunt me, entering my mind at any moment.
    His sex drive has returned but sometimes I can't bear him touching me. He'll make a comment about how there's so much "pre-cum" & it's for or because of me. All i can think of is "Yeah right, it wasn't for me when you were getting your rocks off & I was probably crying somewhere begging for some attention"
    The thought of him sitting there with his groin all juicy sickens me. ( sorry if that kind of wording isnt allowed)
    Is anyone else haunted by these kind of thoughts?
     
    Hopefulgirl and Deleted Account like this.
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    My wife has explained that if I start behaving like the 'old me' then it reminds her of the bad days. Sometimes my behavior can act as a trigger. There are other days where I'm not the trigger and she has intrusive thoughts throughout the day. She is able to recognize when it's happening and she rides it out because she knows tomorrow it will be gone.

    However, some women have a form of PTSD after they discover the extent of their husband's addiction. This is much more serious and needs professional help.

    Also, porn addiction attacks our SO's self-esteem and confidence in a very real way. It's unfair that they are made to feel that they have to not only compete with the unrealistic images their husbands see but also have to be compared to the unattainable fantasy world that is constructed in their husband's brain.

    Porn is a scourge on society which destroys the consumer, relationships, families, and our loved ones. I am sorry that this has affected you so deeply :(.
     
  3. This sound so similar to what I experienced. I as well didn't used to have an issue w porn until it completely robbed me of intimacy from my husband. It haunts me as well but what haunts me more is worrying about relapse and if he is going to be honest w me if he does. I also wonder if he is really "with me" in the moment or fantasizing. I realized it helps when you consciously forgive them. Once you decide to truly forgive them it makes it easier to quickly push that type of thinking out of your mind. Also maybe try more passionate approach to work on the intimacy part of connecting like tantra or karezza. Hang in there! We feel your pain!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 14, 2017
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  4. I feel your pain. I have dreams of porn (when I never had these dreams before) and/or catching him with it. I experience heavy PTSD symptoms just thinking about his past with P. I still cry almost daily. Often I don't want him to touch me and either feel violated or outright scared if he pushes intimacy on me. I feel violent urges, when he ogles women in public. So far the only thing that stops me from acting out is to get away from that environment with or without him. I never expected to have such strong reactions to another person or their past and present behaviors. We are trying to work on our issues, but sometimes it feels totally hopeless. My BF is approaching 3 months no PMO, but I seem to be getting worse, not better.
     
  5. There is a book called "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. Reading it helped me immensely because then I could better understand all the thoughts and feelings I have in response to my husband's PMO addiction. If you can, read through it, and have your husband read it, too, if he will. It will also help him to understand more of what it's like from your side. :)
     
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