This Time I Really Fucked Up (And I’m Getting Up)

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by MrMurk, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. MrMurk

    MrMurk Fapstronaut

    I write this with tears in my eyes. I don’t know where to start...
    My girlfriend and I were the most amazing couple you could imagine. But last weekend we broke up.
    I believe this had to happen, so I could see what I see now. I don’t like it that we broke up, but she had every right to do so. I don’t blame her for that.

    (Warning: contains intimate content that might trigger your brain)

    It had to do with two things: pride & selfcriticism

    I made some serious mistakes. And I regret every mistake I made.
    I was selfish, took no control over my life, fapped around, made promises I didn’t deliver, was harsh to her and hurt her feelings in a way no one ever did to her before.
    And all of what I did, I didn’t want to see that it was my fault, because I was too hurt (or proud) to see it by myself.

    In the beginning when we met, she was the most amazing woman. She still is. We had a connection I never felt with anyone before. She did and said things that broke my heart in a positive way. I was sold to her. When we met, the best thing of it all was that I wasn’t needy, or I didn’t put in any effort in the way that I had learned from books, and dating courses. Everything I did with and to her came natural for me. We had the most passionate lovemaking I have ever had in my life. We were very open about lovemaking, and it was also for her the first time she had this amazing connection and feeling with a guy (and she is 41 with a lot of experience).

    It was of course not all about the lovemaking. It was just the amazing connection we had. We talked, laughed, cried and did things while we were on the same level, or call it frequency. Our thought was alligned with each other, it felt like we were one.

    But it started to slowly slip away, or as she said it... “it feels that what we had slipped through my fingers. And I wanted to grab it.”

    I think that had to do with two reasons. One was that we both started to sacrifice things in our own lives to see each other too often. And the second was that I slowly started to get attached to orgasms, masturbating and earthy stuff. And above all I was hating and criticizing myself for that. So it wasn’t getting any better this way.

    You might see it as two reasons, but actually it was just one reason. I got attached to the orgasms and earthy stuff. I lost control over myself. I was putting my hope into her, instead of myself. This resulted in me wanting to see her more often, pleasing her and sacrificing things in my own life to accomplish this. And she did sort of the same in response to what I did.

    I remember one day telling her I needed more time for myself. She got really upset when I said that. She said that I was the person that was showing up to her house everytime, not she. And she was right, but I didn’t saw it that way. But I felt rejected when she said that, and I got angry and upset.
    When I said I needed more time, I actually felt she was putting a claim on me. It could be true that that was what she was doing. But as I look back now, the moments she tried to claim me, was just a test of her to see if I am strong enough to stay focused on my goal/purpose and still love her. That moment she wanted the man, not the boy. Over time these things got worse. I pleased her more and more. Lost myself more and more. And she...?

    She lost the man she saw in me and desperately needed. And she was left with a little boy running to his mommy crying.

    Looking back it wasn’t about the dishes, the mess, the mornings I wanted to stay in bed or the useless arguments. It was about my lack of purpose.

    She might wanted to see me everyday, but her deeper need is that I know and live my purpose every moment and love her unconditionally.

    Everything she did and said to me was a big test, but I didn’t saw it that way. I thought she was criticizing me, and I thought she thought of me as a worthless peace of shit. How else could it be? I was criticizing myself all the time. It wasn’t the case for her, in essence she begged me to get me in action modus so I would get my life alligned with my purpose, and showing her my true love. But I didn’t understand her language and I was too proud and hurt to see that. I was too much focussed on my own pain, and trying to escape it by focussing on my selfish need for sexual pleasure.

    I started to read The Way of Superiour Man by David Deida. That’s when I knew I did things wrong. I had to blame only but myself for the things that happend.

    I find out I did things that I would normally never do:
    - I would put my *** in her mouth, just to show her my dominance. While I knew about her background of sexual abuse.
    - I would *** her and cum in just 2 minutes.
    - Promise her things I couldn’t or didn’t want to deliver, just so she would stop being upset.
    - Hurt her feelings by saying harsh things, so I wouldn’t feel bad about myself. While it was actually a lack of confidence in myself, and a sign I had to kick myself on the butt.
    - Leave her and her daughter alone, and going back to my old appartment, without saying anything.
    - Treat her like dirt, and like if she’s worth nothing by ignoring her feelings.
    - Please her, by doing everything she asks me to do and doing it even before she ask me, just so she would be happy and would not complain about my behaviour (or; lack of purpose).

    Last time we spoke each other we had a fight and I left her (again) because I was angry. Later we saw each other at the gym, and we didn’t even say hi. I was so angry at her, but looking back I was just angry at myself. And I didn’t want to confront myself with that, so I put up a shield.

    Later that same evening, I texted her that I didn’t do right by ignoring her, and that I will at least say hi to her next time.
    She responded to me that after I left her angry last time and after we saw each other, she doesn’t feel the need to say anything to me anymore.
    I asked her if she really feels that. And I said that I don’t like the situation how it is right now.
    She hasn’t responded yet, this was yesterday.

    I hate to wait for her to respond... I really want to tell her I am sorry for what I did. And I want to be at least ok with each other, so we can still see each other and meet each other occasionally.

    I really believe she is a beautiful flower that blossoms when she smiles. She deserves the best. And that I can and will give it to her.

    But I’m not sure if she still wants me...

    If it doesn’t work out together, at least I want her to feel good about the time we spent together, and that she feels worthy of living and being just like the moment after our first date.

    “Heal the boy, and the man will appear.”

    I quit masturbating and using my fetish, which were both addictions to me. I read a lot of books now on relationships. I’m studying The Way of Superiour Man by David Deida. I talk with a lot of friends and family about my situation, and I try to see them as much as I can, also just to hang out. I work-out 4 times a week. Next month I will start a four month NLP course, a 10 week photography course, and I will do research for a new carreer path, which might include doing a couple of more courses. I continue taking flight lessons for my PPL-license. I just do my best to get my life back on track, and getting it forward and alligned with my purpose.

    I hope she will respond to my text message, or at least feel good about herself and us. I wrote a letter about everything I am sorry for, but I am anxious to send it to her before she has responded.

    I don’t know what else I can do to make the situation better. Do you have any suggestions? Or critique about what I should have done or shouldn’t have done? I am not sure if she still wants me... that part figuring out feels like dying.

    Thank you for reading and thank you if you share your opinion.
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2019
  2. Minsc

    Minsc Fapstronaut

    Hi MrMurk,

    I've never had what you say you had so I can't really comment on that. Here's how I'm attempting to look at relationships, whether it's right or wrong I can not say. They are a partnership, a team effort. Success or failure does not solely lay on one person. In order for a relationship to work, both have to work toward making it work. There is a saying, what brings two people together won't keep them together.

    The best to you and her. Be it together or apart.
    MrMurk likes this.
  3. Randy

    Randy Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the book recommendation. I just started reading The Superior Man and I'm liking it.
    Assume your girl is gone for good. If you get over her then you will be a stronger man if she comes back.
    MrMurk likes this.
  4. DarkLiverpoolCLA

    DarkLiverpoolCLA Fapstronaut

    This is a common story. Many of us have been there before, but not with these exact circumstances, but in a similar way. It's being in a relationship that is not quite right, and when you are not quite who you are supposed to be yet.

    You are doing the right thing by continuing to work on yourself. Get your stuff together and keep focusing on being a better 'you' every day. We all have flaws and make mistakes. When you are young, you will make millions of them, and it will make you feel terrible. Over time, you will make less, and relationships will run more smoothly.

    Don't be too hard on yourself, but I think this relationship has run its course. You are not suited for each other, and the honeymoon phase has ended.

    You may feel like there is a mad rush for you to get your apologies in to stop her from being mad at you for too long. This is incorrect. Give her plenty of time, and give yourself plenty of time. You will both feel more clear headed in a few weeks, and you can determine if you want to remain friends going forwards.

    Keep working on yourself, and you will find the right person for you in time, when you are ready. The relationships in the meantime will hurt when they end, but these are the lessons we learn. When you finally get to the point when you are in a good head-space, and you are more in control of your emotions, you will find the right person for you and the relationship will be completely effortless.

    Obviously, just my opinion from reading your words. Take only from this what makes sense to you!

    Nugget9 and MrMurk like this.
  5. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    This is very alike what happend to me, but mine was being angry instead of pornography. She gave me lots of chances and I screwed up every time. It has been more than a year and I still feel an inmense apathy at everything. I am sorry I have no solutions for you, just don't fap.
    MrMurk likes this.
  6. She sounds like a bitch and you're a fool for having her in your life.
    And why are you so graphic here? You trying to make this thread a porno?
    MrMurk likes this.
  7. MrMurk

    MrMurk Fapstronaut

    Thanks guys! All of your comments are really appreciated! It's such an amazing community, the NoFap community. I'm very grateful for that.

    @Randy I'm going for it 100%

    @DarkLiverpoolCLA Thank you for saying that you think this relationship has ran its course and that I shouldn't be hard on myself.

    I spoke to a girlfriend of both her and mine at the gym. She agreed the same. According to what my ex-gf said to her, and what I have said to her, she said it's better to both go our own way.

    You're very correct that I feel this mad rush to stop her from being mad at me. I just put the letter I wanted to write to her in her mailbox before I read your comment. When I had done it I said to myself that this was the last thing I'd do. I said everything I wanna said; Every apology for what I did. Why I did what I did. My wish for being nice to each other in the future, and that I would like to see her in the future, not now, but when she has time. And I also said that if she doesn't want all this, that I will understand that, and that I will thank her for everything and that I will wish her a happy life.

    I just deleted her number, so I cannot tease myself to text her. And I made a list of 10 reasons why I should leave the relationship in the past:
    1. So the healing process can start.
    2. So I can work on myself at full throttle.
    3. So I can make room for a next relationship.
    4. So I can become happy again, and have fun in life.
    5. So I can do the things that are important to me.
    6. So I can get my life back on track.
    7. Because it would increase my chance significantly that she wants me back, if I would see her one day. If I still want it though.
    8. Because it would increase my health by having less stress.
    9. Because it would make me more confident for the simple reason that I will be happy with myself and with the other people I have in my life.
    10. So I can give love in abundancy again to the people around me.
    @Infrasapiens you gave me the best solution you can give, thank you :)

    Thank you guys!!!
    Nugget9 likes this.
  8. Sorry if I was a bit harsh, she just doesn't sound like a nice person.
    How old are you? Please don't say you're younger than her.
    MrMurk likes this.
  9. MrMurk

    MrMurk Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your honesty. I would definitely have a different approach if we would ever met again.
    Why do you think she sounds like a bitch?
    You're right about the graphic thing. I've edited the words into move lovely words, and put a warning notice under the first paragraph

    Don't bother it.
    I am 26 and she is 41 with an eight year old daughter. Yes I said it
    Why do you think she doesn't sound like a nice person?
    Nugget9 likes this.
  10. First I don't judge you we all make mistakes sometimes we hurt others sometimes others hurt us, Sometimes apologizing works most of the time with women it doesn't . With said there a book I think might help you its called NO MORE NICE GUY by Dr. Robert Glover he also has a website you can check out and see what he is all about . TO BE HUMAN IS TO MAKE MISTAKES ,NO ONE IS PERFECT NOR IS THERE A PERFECT SOLUTION WE ALL DO THE BEST WE CAN WITH WHAT WE GOT
    Nugget9 and MrMurk like this.
  11. MrMurk

    MrMurk Fapstronaut

    This is really great info! Thank you so much. I just ordered his book. Everything he says is just me. Damn...
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing.
    You are the picture perfect example of what happens when a man stops being a man in a relationship and how woman change their attitude and behaviour accordingly.

    I would suggest you read "the rational male" as well, its a good addition to "the way of the superior man". I like both of those books.

    I really hope everything gets better and you will recover from this as a stronger and more insightful man.
    Evertything we experience gives us some kind of a lesson to learn for the future, and it is up to us to implement those lessons so we can have a better life later.

    I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
    MrMurk likes this.
  13. overclocked

    overclocked Fapstronaut

    You sure fucked up! But great introspection. You know what to do. You can do it.
    MrMurk likes this.
  14. RightEffort

    RightEffort Fapstronaut

    hey bro!

    man what an amazing post!

    I was literally shaking my head in resonance on EXACTLY how I would fuck up my relationships of the past again and again and again!

    You are not alone bro. I totally relate t you. I have so much compassion for your suffering.

    The suffering of having to wait for someone to text me.
    The suffering of regret and thinking what it could be.
    The feeling of missing her, and the sadness and the grief.

    It fuckin sucks!!!


    I can tell you from personal experience again and again when shit like this happens, its time to HEAL.

    Start by taking a 30 days total FAST from any communication with her. BLOCK all contacts, phone, email, social media.

    Then do this...

    1) Grieve fully until you come to acceptance.

    Really stop thinking and start feeling. Breath. Go to silent meditation. Be alone. Avoid bullshit videos and movies and distractions. GO WITHIN. FEEL. Pray. Allow it all in. Let the suffering CUT YOU DEEP. open yourself totally to the suffering.

    cry as much as possible - but try to avoid getting into stories. Just cry for release and processing the loss. Feel the sadness and cry. but don't start blaming yourself or her.

    Once you cry and grieve consciously you will come to a place to ACCEPT that it is over - at least for now.

    2) Forgive yourself

    Start really have compassion and love for yourself. You are on a journey, you are going to make mistakes again and again.

    make a list of all the things you are blaming yourself for and then ask God/Higher Self to show you how to see it differently.

    Start to see the value you brought to her life. That the purpose of the relationship has been served for both of you. She will be a better person after this.

    If you have trouble with this step ask God to help you forgive your shortcomings and trust that it is done.

    3) Forgive her

    Make a list of things you blame her for, and things you're angry at her, then choose to forgive her.

    >>> During the 30 days your mind will think of her. when this happens, be very disciplined with your thoughts, send her love and light and wish her well and let her go in your mind. Again and again and again. AVOID analyzing. Avoid any contact whatsoever, just totally let go.

    The first few days are the worst. You may not be able to go without thinking about her for even an hour.

    Eventually, if you truly are strict with your self within days you will be able to go for half a day without any missing/suffering thoughts about her/the past.

    Then you will have days without any suffering. Every once a while you will think of her, just send her love, wish her well and forgive yourself and her.

    Once you fully heal you may look at this situation totally differently.

    Within the next year, you may look back and be genuinely grateful that you are NOT with her because you may be in a relationship 10x better or you may feel a much greater sense of joy in your life being single.
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2019
    Dimitri the king 2 and MrMurk like this.
  15. paruva mattram

    paruva mattram Fapstronaut

    i too am in the process of self healing and i could relate to it. you have my support in your process of healing.
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2019
    MrMurk and RightEffort like this.
  16. MrMurk

    MrMurk Fapstronaut

    Lol... I just wrote a final handwritten letter to her. Basically I said that she has to apologise to me and be kind or go fuck herself.

    I’m done with her.

    @RightEffort thank you very much for your kind words, and the effort you put into this. This is really great. I will forgive myself and her. We had a wonderful time together, and I am very grateful for that. She’s not worth my time anymore.

    I already cried a lot. I think it was mainly because I felt she didn’t gave me what I need, while I gave her all she asked (not what she necessairly needed). Seeing that I was Mr. Nice Guy in the relationship opened my eyes. Thanks to @cleanliving81 !

    I think she will fuck herself, and I am totally fine with that! :)
    Deleted Account likes this.
  17. RightEffort

    RightEffort Fapstronaut


    bro I know you're still in your process but as a compassionate reflection, I like to share that I still hear pain and anger in your choice of words.

    She can fuck her self is coming from anger and shows your wounded self is trying to protect itself.

    She should apologize to me, is another hint to your ego. Only egos need an apology to feel good. You don't need her apology to love her for who she is and let her go.

    Remember the teaching says "LOVE YOUR ENEMY - and BLESS THOSE WHO ABUSE YOU" not when they apologize to you but when they don't seem to deserve it.

    You don't have to do my suggestion, but if you feel called to it, you can extract more gold from this experience by opening your heart even more. let go of all anger, all resentment all emotions which may take some time - you will know you have done this when you speak about her to others, your words will be full of love and compassion and you will not sound like a victim.
    MrMurk likes this.
  18. MrMurk

    MrMurk Fapstronaut

    Thank you! That hurt a little. You’re absolutely right. I feel a little pressure at my chest right now. And I still feel sadness and tears.

    She was and is really a wonderful person. We were just not the right fit for each other.

    I wrote that if she wants to have contact with me, she has to apologize and tell me what she will do differently in the future, and if she feels to good to do that, than she shouldn’t do that. And I said I understand that if she doesn’t want to have contact anymore. And I wrote I love her.

    I have so much pain about this situation. And I don’t know how to stop destroying everything. You’re giving me a laid out plan to do this. But I don’t see how that will change what I’d done. I wish I did things differently and I try to fix it.

    You’re right I should open up to myself. I haven’t allowed myself to do this. I keep on going and going, and criticize myself. For what I did wrong and how I should have dealt with the problems we had.

    I will start with the process of grieving. I have to... I see the next steps are also very important!

    Thank you for taking the time to help me! Really!
  19. Your Welcome, I found No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glovers book about 3 years ago and combined with his website opened my eyes to stuff I was blind or to stubbern to admit to . I reread it frenquently to remind myself of were I come from escpecilly if I start getting self critical again.
    MrMurk likes this.
  20. I'mJustAChoice

    I'mJustAChoice Fapstronaut

    I don't know how this will end, but I have to say this to you: to have something to miss and to be sad about you need to have had something to be happy about first. So you are fortunate my friend, since not many people have something to be happy about. Some people are so sad because they had it better in life years ago, but I look back at it as a treasure, it makes me happy, not sad, I am so lucky for those times when I was way happier and everything ran smoothly in my life, they're something great that has happened to my life, and for that I'm grateful.
    There's millions of people dying without ever having experienced love, so you are one of the lucky ones who got to experience that.
    It was such an intense post, so be happy for that intensity, that passion, those feelings... I hope you get to see it the way I do, because life is so damn amazing.
    MrMurk likes this.

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