I write this with tears in my eyes. I don’t know where to start... My girlfriend and I were the most amazing couple you could imagine. But last weekend we broke up. I believe this had to happen, so I could see what I see now. I don’t like it that we broke up, but she had every right to do so. I don’t blame her for that. (Warning: contains intimate content that might trigger your brain) It had to do with two things: pride & selfcriticism I made some serious mistakes. And I regret every mistake I made. I was selfish, took no control over my life, fapped around, made promises I didn’t deliver, was harsh to her and hurt her feelings in a way no one ever did to her before. And all of what I did, I didn’t want to see that it was my fault, because I was too hurt (or proud) to see it by myself. In the beginning when we met, she was the most amazing woman. She still is. We had a connection I never felt with anyone before. She did and said things that broke my heart in a positive way. I was sold to her. When we met, the best thing of it all was that I wasn’t needy, or I didn’t put in any effort in the way that I had learned from books, and dating courses. Everything I did with and to her came natural for me. We had the most passionate lovemaking I have ever had in my life. We were very open about lovemaking, and it was also for her the first time she had this amazing connection and feeling with a guy (and she is 41 with a lot of experience). It was of course not all about the lovemaking. It was just the amazing connection we had. We talked, laughed, cried and did things while we were on the same level, or call it frequency. Our thought was alligned with each other, it felt like we were one. But it started to slowly slip away, or as she said it... “it feels that what we had slipped through my fingers. And I wanted to grab it.” I think that had to do with two reasons. One was that we both started to sacrifice things in our own lives to see each other too often. And the second was that I slowly started to get attached to orgasms, masturbating and earthy stuff. And above all I was hating and criticizing myself for that. So it wasn’t getting any better this way. You might see it as two reasons, but actually it was just one reason. I got attached to the orgasms and earthy stuff. I lost control over myself. I was putting my hope into her, instead of myself. This resulted in me wanting to see her more often, pleasing her and sacrificing things in my own life to accomplish this. And she did sort of the same in response to what I did. I remember one day telling her I needed more time for myself. She got really upset when I said that. She said that I was the person that was showing up to her house everytime, not she. And she was right, but I didn’t saw it that way. But I felt rejected when she said that, and I got angry and upset. When I said I needed more time, I actually felt she was putting a claim on me. It could be true that that was what she was doing. But as I look back now, the moments she tried to claim me, was just a test of her to see if I am strong enough to stay focused on my goal/purpose and still love her. That moment she wanted the man, not the boy. Over time these things got worse. I pleased her more and more. Lost myself more and more. And she...? She lost the man she saw in me and desperately needed. And she was left with a little boy running to his mommy crying. Looking back it wasn’t about the dishes, the mess, the mornings I wanted to stay in bed or the useless arguments. It was about my lack of purpose. She might wanted to see me everyday, but her deeper need is that I know and live my purpose every moment and love her unconditionally. Everything she did and said to me was a big test, but I didn’t saw it that way. I thought she was criticizing me, and I thought she thought of me as a worthless peace of shit. How else could it be? I was criticizing myself all the time. It wasn’t the case for her, in essence she begged me to get me in action modus so I would get my life alligned with my purpose, and showing her my true love. But I didn’t understand her language and I was too proud and hurt to see that. I was too much focussed on my own pain, and trying to escape it by focussing on my selfish need for sexual pleasure. I started to read The Way of Superiour Man by David Deida. That’s when I knew I did things wrong. I had to blame only but myself for the things that happend. I find out I did things that I would normally never do: - I would put my *** in her mouth, just to show her my dominance. While I knew about her background of sexual abuse. - I would *** her and cum in just 2 minutes. - Promise her things I couldn’t or didn’t want to deliver, just so she would stop being upset. - Hurt her feelings by saying harsh things, so I wouldn’t feel bad about myself. While it was actually a lack of confidence in myself, and a sign I had to kick myself on the butt. - Leave her and her daughter alone, and going back to my old appartment, without saying anything. - Treat her like dirt, and like if she’s worth nothing by ignoring her feelings. - Please her, by doing everything she asks me to do and doing it even before she ask me, just so she would be happy and would not complain about my behaviour (or; lack of purpose). Last time we spoke each other we had a fight and I left her (again) because I was angry. Later we saw each other at the gym, and we didn’t even say hi. I was so angry at her, but looking back I was just angry at myself. And I didn’t want to confront myself with that, so I put up a shield. Later that same evening, I texted her that I didn’t do right by ignoring her, and that I will at least say hi to her next time. She responded to me that after I left her angry last time and after we saw each other, she doesn’t feel the need to say anything to me anymore. I asked her if she really feels that. And I said that I don’t like the situation how it is right now. She hasn’t responded yet, this was yesterday. I hate to wait for her to respond... I really want to tell her I am sorry for what I did. And I want to be at least ok with each other, so we can still see each other and meet each other occasionally. I really believe she is a beautiful flower that blossoms when she smiles. She deserves the best. And that I can and will give it to her. But I’m not sure if she still wants me... If it doesn’t work out together, at least I want her to feel good about the time we spent together, and that she feels worthy of living and being just like the moment after our first date. “Heal the boy, and the man will appear.” I quit masturbating and using my fetish, which were both addictions to me. I read a lot of books now on relationships. I’m studying The Way of Superiour Man by David Deida. I talk with a lot of friends and family about my situation, and I try to see them as much as I can, also just to hang out. I work-out 4 times a week. Next month I will start a four month NLP course, a 10 week photography course, and I will do research for a new carreer path, which might include doing a couple of more courses. I continue taking flight lessons for my PPL-license. I just do my best to get my life back on track, and getting it forward and alligned with my purpose. I hope she will respond to my text message, or at least feel good about herself and us. I wrote a letter about everything I am sorry for, but I am anxious to send it to her before she has responded. I don’t know what else I can do to make the situation better. Do you have any suggestions? Or critique about what I should have done or shouldn’t have done? I am not sure if she still wants me... that part figuring out feels like dying. Thank you for reading and thank you if you share your opinion.