This is rock bottom.

I have been trough a pretty rough time recently and abandoned Nofap. PMO helped relieve some stress in the beginning but as always the more I do it, the less pleasure I feel. After a while no woman in the world can turn me on.

Today I think I hit rock bottom. After my last PMO session which lasted for 1 hour+ with blood and sweat I started thinking again. My life situation is pretty crappy. I am in a hospital getting treated for psychosis, and I was unfortunate enough to get multi resistent bacteria after a surgery two months ago. So I am in complete isolation pretty much.

I didn't find much else to do than to PMO. Believe me though. PMO is making everything worse. Depression is worse. Right now it is hard to imagine having sex with a real woman. Not because I dont think I am pretty or handsome enough. My looks are more than ok and I rely a lot on my personality and intelligence.

It is because real women wont turn me on. If I see a girl my anxiety levels go trough the roof. I cant do anything but recalling porn scenes everywhere. I have to look away so people dont see what I see. I do rather not talk to anyone right now than to go trough all that anxiety.

PMO works a little like drugs. It gives instant relief but slowly makes you feel worse over time. It also blocks my recovery process with my schizoaffective disorder. I hallucinate less, I have less turbulent emotions. My depression is pretty constant. Everything is flat.

If someone asks me, I dont know what I feel. My memory is crap. Cant even remember yesterday. In order to feel everything and work with my problems I have to quit PMO. It covers up my emotions and brain activity like a blanket. I would rather have violent panic attacks 4 times a day than to live in a limbo like this. I am quitting PMO.