This is it!

Hi everyone. This is my first time here and first time doing anything like this. I guess this is the first time I have really reached out for help. I do apologise as this post is quite long, so thanks to anyone that takes the time to read about my situation.

A little about myself...

I'm 25 years old, and have always considered myself straight. I have been viewing porn since I was about 13/14, and it was always the usual standard 'straight' stuff. I have never had a relationship, but I have always been attracted to women exclusively all through my teenage years, to this very day.

Over time my porn viewing would eventually become more and more as the years go by, and whilst I never indulged in anything bad or illegal, it has gone through different genres to this point I'm at now which is destroying me.

Started out as I said, standard 'straight' stuff, to watching live cams of women, to the various types like gangbang and pov, but then it started creeping in TS, to gay, and to the point now, of sissy.

The sissy thing has really escalated in recent months. I tend to imagine myself as the woman a lot, and I feel this is how I've ended up so deep into this line of porn. Reddit is the worst, sissy caption images are the biggest problem for me. It's got to the point where I have a tough time getting erect over normal porn and women now, and it upsets me deeply, because everytime I indulge and climax, I feel disgusted and hate myself for it.

Back in September, I had the opportunity with a woman I wanted to have sex with for a long time, but it ended badly as I couldn't maintain my erection. When I went 'downtown' I was struggling to get erect, and it was all I could think about, is why is it not working. I did get erect when she did her work and I relaxed and enjoyed the sensation of it all, but when the main course came around, I lost my erection and it never went ahead. This has been a tremendous blow to my self confidence. I liked this girl a lot, so to have this happen was crushing. We have talked since, including some 'sexual' conversation, and there is an opportunity to go again, but I have to deal with this issue first. It should be noted that I was viewing sissy porn and the like around this time, but not as heavily.

Fast forward to now, and I have fears that maybe I'm not actually straight. I know emotionally I am attracted to women, and I can't stand the thought of being with a man romantically, only women. I am so worried about it that I constantly check to see if I am aroused in most situations with people, male or female. I keep thinking about myself in gay situations and checking for arousal. Gay thoughts pop in and out of my mind daily. Simply put, I'm frightened.

I found NoFap last weekend, and after some research here and on the Web, I came across many people who experience similar feelings, and have discovered that my afflictions can be attributed to things like HOCD and Porn Escalation. So I decided to give a reboot a try last Tuesday. And here we are today.

I relapsed an hour or so ago and again, it was to a sissy reddit thread. When I was finished, the same feelings of disgust and disappointment, but for the first time, anger. I am furious with myself that I did it.

This is why I have signed up here. I want help from fellow members of this site. I want to be myself again.

Im sorry for such a long introduction post, it's a little all over the place. But if anyone out there has any tips, experience, or anything they could share to help me, I would be so thankful. I am restarting my reboot today, and I plan on lasting a lot longer this time.

Thanks for reading