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This Forum Was Made For Me

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Fallior, Nov 3, 2015.

  1. Fallior

    Fallior Fapstronaut

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    Where do I begin? Well, my loneliness feels like it's lasted my whole life.

    Let's start with girlfriend #1
    It was 7th grade, her name was Dawn. We actually knew each other from school, she was 2 grades lower than me, she was the sister of a classmate of mine. He wasn't ever fully a friend, but we played pokemon on our gameboy together when we started sharing the same bus for about 8 months or so. Anyway, I never actually liked her, didn't find an attraction to her. She wound up asking me out at a roller skating place where the school had an event at. I said yes because by that time I was super lonely and really wanted a girlfriend. Yeah sure, you can say it's just 7th grade, you didn't know what love was, but I can tell you, I felt the same then as I still do now, except now it's a stronger feeling of loneliness. The "relationship" lasted about a week before she ended it. I never got the courage to hold her hand or any of that, despite me not having any attraction to her so you'd think it'd be easy without the fear of being next to someone you like, but it wasn't.

    Girlfriend #2
    Her name was Erica, it started off not too long after the last one ended. Again, I did not find any attraction to her at all. She asked me, I of course said yes because I didn't know how to say no at the time, and again, the loneliness. Same deal there, relationship ended after 3 days.

    Girlfriend #3
    I have no idea what her name is or what she even looked like. This is 9th grade now, moved to a new school for the first time in my life, her friend asked me for her while I was in the school pool for gym class. I said yes, we walked down the hall, not holding hands, and that was it. By this time I was already really depressed and unmotivated to go to school I just didn't bother to go anymore so I have no idea what actually happened with her, I honestly don't even think it was a real relationship as around the same time another girl asked me, but she didn't mean it, it was just to use it to bully me with her group of friends.

    Girlfriend #4
    About a year later I was introduced to a girl name Stephanie by a cousin. It was a blind date and we talked online for a bit. Found out she lived near me, we met up, again no attraction. Talked for a few weeks, I finally got the courage to ask her despite me not liking her, she said yes. Relationship ended after a few days with her excuse being that her mom didn't want her in a relationship, then she wound up dating another guy right after, not that that bothered me as I didn't like her but she still lied anyway.

    Girlfriend #5
    This happened 5 years later, which was actually around Oct - Dec 2013. Her name was Jessica. Met on OKCupid after my mom told me I should message her, despite YET AGAIN, not finding any attraction. We talked for a few months, I asked her out online against my better judgement, she said yes. We finally meet in person a few weeks later as it was a 2 or so hour drive to my house. She was the first girl I ever held hands with, hugged and kissed. I figured even though I didn't find any attraction, I might as well try it, maybe I'd warm up to her and if not I would at least get those things out of the way and make it easier the next time I get a girlfriend. The second time she came over I started developing a weird sickness. I started throwing up hard and very painfully for the whole time she was over. After she left it went away almost immediately. It happened a few times after without her anytime something big got me nervous or excited. She came over again and it happened again, when she was supposed to take me to her house for the night for the first time ever and meet her family. So I wound up not being able to go due to this sickness that came up from nervousness. For the next week she started acting really distant and then finally she called and said it was over and she couldn't take it any more or whatever. Basically I was broken up with because I was sick twice when she was over. She also said she couldn't stand the fact that her sister could see her boyfriend every day and she couldn't.

    And that is it. So I personally consider myself to have never had a real girlfriend considering the circumstances of everything. I think I've finally learned my lesson to just say no to girls I am not attracted to, and to not ask out any girls I'm not attracted to just because I'm lonely. I even regret the fact that I made it 21 years without ever kissing a girl just to waste it like I did.
    What makes things really difficult is we live in an area where you need a car to be able to get anywhere and I still cannot get my license for multiple different reasons. I try, believe me I try. So I can't even get a girlfriend until I can drive and get a job to even take her anywhere. I've been stuck in this rut since I was 15, and I turn 23 next month. My stepdad is super controlling to both my mom and I, we're in debt for over $40,000 because of him, he constantly takes our car away as has yet to give me the money to get my license that he's promised since I was 19.
    So as you may guess, I am SUPER lonely, SUPER depressed and super stressed. I'm going back and forth with cabin fever of being indoors nearly every single day all day long as well as cabin fever for being stuck in my mind filled almost completely with negativity.

    I'm a really nice, sensitive smart and funny guy who just wants someone to love and seems to have the world against him. It's so hard to continue having hope. I just want someone to love while also being loved but she just feels so far out of reach.
     
    XPiRED likes this.
  2. volt2187

    volt2187 Guest

    I know how it feels to have a "girlfriend" but not a girlfriend. I have many instances just like yours, except mine didn't start until my junior year of highschool. The main thing I have learned after getting too worked up over all of them failing is that at least there was something there and the potential, so no I won't be forever alone, I just need to learn from my mistakes and know how to approach it for the next time.

    Don't regret anything (I know easier said than done), it won't get you anywhere and it's just holding onto the past. Want to feel better? I'm 7 years older than you and haven't even come close to kissing a girl, so I know the feeling of waking up everyday and having that hang over my head, but instead of dwelling on it and crying, "poor me" I use it as motivation to change my life. It's hard because for the last 8 years or so I've become accustomed to being happy by being alone (pmo, video games, internet, work that involves little interaction with others, and basically zero family), but just like learning to quit pmo I have to learn that I can't keep up the forever alone mentality if I'm ever going to be happy in life.

    Regarding your situation, I would approach it in baby steps. What's holding you back from getting your license? Surely it isn't anything legal that prevents you from obtaining one. If I were you I would put all of my focus on that and go from there. I didn't get my license until I turned 18 and instead of getting upset over it (because most of my peers had theirs for 2 years), I didn't even think about it. Obviously 23 is different compared to 18, but that doesn't really matter in the end. Don't fret over it, you'll get it soon enough if you work towards it.

    I still live at home with my parents and I have used that as a major excuse to not get a girlfriend (always telling myself, "Who wants to date a 28 year old who lives with mom still?"), but have been told by multiple girls that I shouldn't worry about that. Yeah there are plenty of girls that will learn that and run the other way, but that's more of a reflection on them, and at the same time it's motivating for me to get my act together to start my life instead of being in this limbo that I've been in for over 10 years.

    Yeah the current situation might not be what we want, but you can't let that change who you are or to use it as an excuse to hold yourself back. It will get better, trust me. Use this time of being alone to improve yourself before putting yourself out there for others. You mention having cabin fever from being stuck inside so much, why not go outside and run or even just walk to get you away from the negativity?
     
    XPiRED likes this.
  3. Fallior

    Fallior Fapstronaut

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    Fear, slow learning, and my stepdad constantly taking the car away by intentionally not paying for it are all things that have been against me. I was supposed to go to driving school or get a tutor or whatever as my 19th birthday present, of course that didn't happen though.
    And yeah I should walk/run ride my bike outside more. For some reason though sometimes when I exercise it gives me a bigger urge to PMO, probably due to adrenaline. May also explain why I always wanted to every time I mowed the lawn.
     
  4. volt2187

    volt2187 Guest

    Well first off sorry about the stepdad issue, sometimes stuff out of our control makes it harder to want to better ourselves, but the situation with him wont be that way forever. Does he not want you to learn how to drive?

    Secondly, and this is HUGE, don't ever let fear hold you back from doing anything, you'll only live to have regrets. For most of my adult life I've let fear control me and it's only stifled my development and overall happiness. I worked at two dead end jobs for four years each because I was afraid to start over. I dropped out of college because I was afraid there wasn't a major for me. For years I wanted to lose weight but was too afraid to go to the gym out of embarrassment. I still am fighting my fears, but have since found a job at a company that I truly enjoy working for, have re-enrolled in college and have regularly went to the gym for 2 years. Now I run in races, which years ago would have terrified me. Long story short, don't let fear control you. I even remember when I took my driving test the woman with me was so rude and intimidating, yet I passed because my goal was to get a license and I didn't let that prevent me from doing so.
     
  5. Fallior

    Fallior Fapstronaut

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    Actually it's weird. He does want me to drive and always complains about me not being able to drive but he doesn't pay to have me go and be able to. Also, sadly he was just admitted to the hospital on the 4th, had a collapsed lung so now we've been to the hospital the last 2 days, he's still there now. It definitely made him seem more human than he usually makes himself out to be with such a tough liar that makes him an ass to everyone.
    I try not to let fear control me, but it kinda made it worse when last time I drove I drove on the wrong side of the road. Luckily there wasn't any cars there and I did turn back right away, but all it takes is a 1 second mistake like that. That's what I don't like. Then I wound up driving on the grass, which if it was a road it would have been the guard rail. So haven't really had the best of luck there, lol.
    On the plus side though, it's now day 6 since my last PMO. Have a really good feeling about this run this time, might finally be able to beat the longest I've ever went which is 10 days.
     

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