This emptiness.

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Dark_Ana, Sep 2, 2018.

  1. Dark_Ana

    Dark_Ana Fapstronaut

    Hi everyone,
    Well I'm new here.
    Finally, after another terrible night not wanting it but without any chance of avoiding it, I decided to cry for help.
    I've had this addiction since I was eleven, when for my disgrace I opened my uncle's computer files and they were filled with porn.
    All the times after satisfying myself,
    I feel horrible.
    My addiction has been increasingly growing to contents with higher levels of humilliation, and I really know how sick it is, since it involves people, especially women being degraded... and it revoltes me!! I fight for women rights in this fucking sexist society, so how on earth I keep wathing all that nasty stuff??
    I just didn't find the strenght before.
    Now I guess I've found it.
    I don't wanna feel this emptiness, this damn loneliness anymore :oops:
    And I know you guys feel the same... you know exactly what I mean. I'm forced to wear a mask hiding all this burning hell, since I'm ashamed to talk about it to anyone I know.
    Please help me
    PRTe, HopeFaith, EmmyB and 2 others like this.
  2. Newgirl

    Newgirl Fapstronaut

    Welcome Ana!
    It's great to see you taking your first step towards freedom. The fact that you feel horrible about PMO means that there is light inside of you and it's fighting the darkness you let in through those negative activities. We are all fighting hard so don't feel alone in your struggle. There is light at the end of the tunnel and were walking towards it. Stay strong!
    HopeFaith and Dark_Ana like this.
  3. Sun_shine

    Sun_shine Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the group, you’ve taken the first step which is great , It won’t be easy but hopefully will be worth it .
    Dark_Ana likes this.
  4. Dark_Ana

    Dark_Ana Fapstronaut

    Thanks :)
    It feels so good being understood by others going through the same...
    Newgirl likes this.
  5. So glad you are here and will get support not to blame yourself any longer for what happened to you when you were so young! You were in no way ready to view the things on your uncle's computer, and it is definitely NOT your fault that you were exposed to his porn. I will be thinking about you and wishing you love and light!
  6. Dark_Ana

    Dark_Ana Fapstronaut

    It really conforts me reading your support messages.
  7. Alexander Pollmann

    Alexander Pollmann Fapstronaut

    Hello! Hopefully you will overcome your problem.
    Bem-vinda ao grupo ☺️ (brasileira, certo?)
    Dark_Ana likes this.
  8. Dark_Ana

    Dark_Ana Fapstronaut

    Thanks :)
    Yes, I'm from Brasil!
  9. Dark_Ana

    Dark_Ana Fapstronaut

    Day 1

    Despite having dreamed of sex at night, today was a nice day. No anxiety at all.
    There's a feeling that had been filling me all day long, something warm. Dunno how to describe it... maybe it's gratitude... or a feeling of accomplishment. I kwow, it's too early for freedom feelings. I guess it must be such kind of relieve for having taken the right step.
    Oh... and I didn't say it, but I've got OCD and panic issues. Many times I used PMO for 'relaxing'... if that could be possible.
    I also decided to have a healthier life.
    HopeFaith and Sun_shine like this.
  10. Makes total sense to me that you've used PMO for 'relaxing - and ironically, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if your panic and OCD issues are related in some way to your early exposure to porn. Hang in there! I admire your determination!!
    Dark_Ana likes this.
  11. Dark_Ana

    Dark_Ana Fapstronaut

    It's so hard... but I'm struggling harder.
  12. Dark_Ana

    Dark_Ana Fapstronaut

    Day 6.
    I had a pretty nice week, being busy and spending time with people and things I love.
    Yesterday I almost relapsed. It's so hard not feeling urges living in this oversexualized society... everything relates or suggests sex.
    PRTe and HopeFaith like this.
  13. Dark_Ana

    Dark_Ana Fapstronaut

    September 13. Day 0: Starting again.
    I was supposed to stay strong. So why I couldn't stay away from PMO??
    I feel so frustrated now
    I wish it didn't happen.
    Loveless-J.R.A likes this.
  14. DoeDew

    DoeDew Fapstronaut

    Hey.. please don't hate on yourself.
    You can have the strongest determination humanly ever possible, yet it will budge when your energy falls beyond the point where you can keep it up.
    Some people here will tell you that an addiction to PMO will cause loneliness and depression, which may be true to some extent, but it's when you feel left alone, depressed and worthless that you loosen your determination and turn to PMO.

    The idea of NoFap, which reading your journal I think you already understood, is not to simply keep away from porn and masturbation for a set amount of time, no, it's about turning your life around, giving yourself the spirit that'll keep you going for as long as it lasts and enables you to do things that are good for you.

    What exactly will help you finding your way differs for each of us.
    For example, for me it helped to understand that I wasn't alone in this situation.

    Also I sometimes manage to keep control over me when I remind myself that biologically speaking it's just your Striatum (the part of your brain that makes decisions based on your current encironment, impressions, feelings and prior decisions) that has learnt about PMO releasing lots of dopamine without any real effort, which evolution has told it is a "good thing". But in our "oversexualized society", using your words, that is just a non-benefactory leftover from the earlier years of mankind and thus not actually really needed to that extent any more.

    And what has additionally helped me was stopping to procrestinate all the time.
    Whenever I find myself saying "no, I don't really want to do this now.. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow" I'll try doing it "now" instead.
    Though I can't always get myself to do that.

    Whenever you fail, try to get back on track and even if you think you'll never be able to succeed, try to not consider failiure an option - as blunt as that sounds...
    HopeFaith likes this.
  15. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

    There is zero 'disgrace' with you seeing pornography at 11! Well done on trying to make things better, and you can always go to a doctor or psychologist if there are other issues to deal with.
    Loveless-J.R.A likes this.
  16. Loveless-J.R.A

    Loveless-J.R.A Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    That's the question to ask! Review your errors and weaknesses. And make strengths.
    I know you are new... but have you join any challenges?
    This is a seven days challenges that most of us do. Pretty simple to understand. A small step in achieving a long term goal.
    Also there is a book I read and recommend to all new members.
    It discusses how to train our minds to overcome PM.
    Hope you find these recommendations useful and as always... Fortuna Adiuvat.
  17. HopeFaith

    HopeFaith Fapstronaut

    Dear Dark_Ana

    How great that you are here taking the step into the right direction. It is always a relief when we do the ‘right thing’ by us. This reief is your body’s compas guiding you and you can always refer to it with other life’s decisions. Healing is not easy as it requires us to adopt different ways of managing. We need to go out of our comfort zone and venture into the unknow.

    The best advise I can give u for this journey is to check out trauma healing modalities. OCD, addictions, panic attacks, loneliness.... are all symptoms of childhood trauma and they can be completely healed. So if you focus on healing your deepest wounds, your addiction will improve overtime. However if all you do is try not to PMO without similanonusly working on your body, heart, spirit and mind.... then you might struggle.
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2018
  18. I support you thinking of a slip as an opportunity to learn something more about yourself and your struggle, and not an occasion to become discouraged or even worse, to be hard on yourself! You are so courageous to be on this path, and deserve all the support and love you are getting here!
  19. Shivamarya734

    Shivamarya734 Fapstronaut

    Se, it is might be inappropriate to say that direct but if u feel lonely and want to talk u can contact me u can believe me about no bragging and abusive things, iam writing because I am damn lonely and want to talk to someone please don't consider it wrong
  20. SevenF

    SevenF Fapstronaut

    Hey welcome that is the point of no return you need to hold on even if you rise snd fail

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