Third thread, first as a 25 year old, renewed vigor

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Poor Yorick, Sep 11, 2018.

  1. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    Hello all, this is my third thread, as the title indicates. My first thread can be found here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/meeting-the-new-life-with-force.148190/. I began at the beginning of this calendar year.

    This year, I've had a 54 day streak, a 42 day streak, and many various streaks in between (a week, 13 days, a few hours).

    I'm beginning this new thread on the tailwind of defeat. My moral has crumbled recently, and I've found myself relapsing many times. Just today, I relapsed twice. One of the times happened because I was trying to block problematic websites, and those websites came up when I checked the search. The other was, well, my sheer diminished willpower.

    I will not demonize PMO. It's a bad habit. It makes sense why my brain would traverse to it, but that doesn't change the fact that I know I need to change. I've had success in other areas of my life this 2018 (started running, finally started writing again, got out of a job I despised), but I still struggle to shake this habit. I can shake caffeine with barely any effort. I can drink alcohol and not feel any cravings. But I've been stuck in this mental pattern of PMO.

    I know that 2018 has been an improvement. I aim to continue this progress! Any help would be much appreciated.
     
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  2. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    I remembered again today that any real contact with a girl beats PM anyday, in everyway. The two don't compare to me at all.

    I'm a very health oriented person. If something isn't healthy, I won't do it, for the most part. I'm very economically oriented. If something doesn't make sense economically, I don't do it. So - why then do I struggle with PM? It's not healthy, and it's a waste of opportunity cost. I need to develop the will and get to the place where I just don't do it because it's not healthy. I know I can.
     
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  3. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    I made a new mental connection today. Many times before P or M, I check all my various emails. I realized today the significance of that. 1) my brain is looking for some sort of dopamine hit; when it can't find it, it goes to PM or just M. 2) I want some sort of connection; if I don't find it, it becomes easier to trod the path again to masturbation.

    More importantly, I'm realizing how - after my success with my streaks earlier this year - PM is scarily returning to the norm for me (at least since my last major relapse). Right now, I know I'm capable of either - as in, while I'm typing this. I've made progress. Old mental patterns can be excruciating to break. The mind makes really strong connections regarding sex. And I definitely understand that. What do I want? Connection? Mental stimulation? Pleasure? I know I can get these all elsewhere.

    I'm going to write a letter. I think that will help me get away from the computer as well as engage me toward human connection.
     
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  4. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    I think the last few days have taken more effort than many of the days in my past 40 or 50 day streaks. But that's okay. I know this takes immense effort.

    To continue yesterday's thought, I think, when my brain desires PM or M, it really wants a few key things: 1) Sexual release, 2) Not having to think about things for a short time, 3) the relaxation/excitement of the process, 4) some sort of connection with someone. I realized that in order to replace the habit, there really aren't things that check off all these boxes other than sex itself probably. But in the meantime, I can break up the habit into smaller habits. If I need a mental break, I can play tetris or take a walk with music. IF I want something relaxing, I can take a shower, a nap, or eat something nice. If I want connection, I can write a letter like yesterday, or call a friend, see a friend, send a text. Moreover, I know that if I can learn the discipline, it's more than possible to create something or stay productive toward something, and that goes a decent way to.

    I hope that it's not always this difficult (like yesterday, I know that I could slip up pretty easily), but I'm glad for what I'm learning.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2018
  5. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    Been feeling depressed lately. It used to be interesting to talk about depression, but it's gotten mostly unpleasant. I'm not sure why I might feel depressed lately: first signs of a receding hair line? Sadness from a closed romantic opportunity? Feelings of futility - that none of this will matter? Anxiety over future projects?

    I definitely don't feel great about the hairline, and I'm not thrilled about another missed romantic opportunity, but I'm not entirely sure how those would amount to this all encompassing feeling that something is terribly wrong and that nothing will make it better. It's something I feel rather than think out.

    All as I know, at this point, is that PMO won't really help. It might help for a moment, but then after that, it just gets worse. I know that if I keep my head down and keep moving forward, eventually I'll get out of this feeling and feel glad that I made progress. It's just hard to know that when you're in the feeling.
     
  6. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    And there was morning and there was Evening, the fifth day
     
  7. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    I had off randomly from work, and a tiny twinge of urges returned. Mostly fine though. The last few days, PMO has seemed very unappealing as an option. Maybe because of the depression, PM just seems like a false way out. If that's the case, I suppose that's a good side effect of feeling down.

    I'm still trying to keep my head down and move forward. When I come up from the funk, I'll have made progress. For example, I'm still trying to practice my running. I ran 2.75 miles this morning, which for me, is a lot (I'm thin but haven't been athletic at all since High School). Running always helps with urges and low feeling, actually. I've also been writing and trying to make life progress.
     
  8. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    Ten minutes before I go to work. Writing has helped me. Today, I felt glimmers of happiness. I was able to make myself laugh.

    I think, after I run my 5K, I'm going to try going on a few dates. I think part of my underlying habit of PM has been a lack of development romantically. It's a hypothesis, of course, but I imagine that when I progress toward real relationship, this will definitely give me ammo towards rewiring my brain. It won't be all of the battle of course.

    I want anything that gives me more motivation and energy, at this point.
     
  9. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    Keeping self busy and away from urges. So far, so good.


    Edit: Ran 3 miles this morning. I'm getting ready for the 5K, and this will be the first time since I was 16 probably that I've been this in shape. Although, I think I'm more in shape now because I've been weight lifting. I felt over the moon today after my run. Such a productive day working on my blog, getting materials ready for a cosplay, meeting with the dean of a grad program, taking on a special project at work, and then finally skyping with a friend. I know I'll have to get off the hamster wheel at some point, but right now, business has indeed been a good antidote to PM. Changing life is what it's about anyway.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2018
  10. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    No major urges today.

    I've been bouncing back and forth between feeling totally disconnected from the girl at work (in a good way, like that feeling is out of my life) and back on the hook again, enjoying talking to her and then feeling kind of bummed because I know she has a boyfriend. I really should cut back on her presence in my life. I don't think I'll text her unless she asks me a question or something. I need to focus my energy on other women.

    I bring this up because, in my last major streak, focus on her helped me not care as much about PM, but then when I remembered how nothing was going to happen there, I got kind of bummed, and I think that contributed to my last relapse.

    My time of being busy should end soon. I'm kind of looking forward to that.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2018
  11. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    I think my fear is that I won't know when I'm healed. Sure, I've got another streak going now, but I've done two major streaks before. How do I know that I'm not just in the "off" period of the cycle, and the binge is still waiting somewhere?
     
  12. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    The morning of what will be the 12th day in a few hours. I thought this morning, "community is the opposite of addiction." I'm 99% sure someone else has said this before me, so I won't take credit or anything. But I think it's true. Being connected really helps. Having support helps. Meeting new people - and actually getting along - is an amazing feeling. Bumping into people you kind of know but don't really know (and actually having a conversation) is a wonderful little present from life (happened to me yesterday, at CFA). Making people laugh and laughing with people or just laughing as the general groundswell of mood has been raised and you can't help but laughing with everybody. Feelings of being attracted to a real girl. Doing little acts of communication or kindness for someone instead of just sitting around sadly, waiting for life to do me a favor.

    All of that is so much better than just sitting alone, watching people you don't know, feeling empty afterward.

    Sexual energy finally returning at this point. Having sexual dreams again. Morningwood again. Right now, it's just something I note and then think about something else. No point in focusing on the days but on what I do to fill them. I'm glad for a day off finally. Here we go, new day!
     
  13. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    I think, if we can do anything, we should focus our energies on making the world a more beautiful place, even if in the smallest way. A kinder place, too. This in itself is reward enough.
     
  14. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    Sexual energy exploding back, first at the 11 day mark, but very much so yesterday and now today. ALERT. Feeling stressed about the prospect of job hunting. Been feeling alone lately (even though I've been surrounded with people). Feeling kind of down on myself.

    I need to stay vigilant. I'm home alone now. I plan to work on my blog. If I need to leave the house, I will do so.
     
  15. True_Self

    True_Self Fapstronaut

    I´m with you in this. And agree with your previous:
    That´s what I´ve done today in the elevator. It´s in my journal.
     
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  16. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    Relapse. Not P, just M. I'm not sure if I want to readjust my goals to be just abstaining from porn. I don't feel very much at all about what just happened. I don't know if that's good or if I should feel worse.
     
  17. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    I checked out the picture. That's cool dude. Focusing on making things better is a great way of getting outside the self. Gives us something to aim at . . .
     
  18. M.S.H.

    M.S.H. Fapstronaut

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    well said
     
  19. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    Relapse. I definitely see a pattern. I'll get closer to the girl, and I'll not think about PMO really at all. But then I'll be reminded that she's not available, and I'll swing back. I hate how easy it is for me to do so. I don't think I can have "a casual" relationship with even just M. It seems like, once my brain gets woken up to the reality of M or PM, it goes kind of crazy.

    I need to regroup. I thought there would be comfort in PM, but there wasn't.
     
  20. True_Self

    True_Self Fapstronaut

    If you are looking for some motivation, check my journal. I put there some videos / speeches every day. You can do this man. Don´t give up. Start again a don´t look back. It´s only in your own head.
     
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