There is hope.

Thanks @i_wanna_get_better1 its amazingly helpful just to read your post and know that someone else has been through this and can understand what it feels like.

I excercise 5-6 days a week I my basement. I built a nice home gym starting in 2013 and I have been very consistent working out. It is a good distraction. I really like sport fishing and use that as a hobby as well, but right now there just isn't much time. I have the Mexico trip to look forward to and it's only 6 weeks away. This morning we made plans to go to dinner but my wife called on her way from work and said she was feeling ill. It would have been the first time in months that we had gone out to do something alone. We have rescheduled for Sunday. So in short I'm following your advice and trying to replace the addiction. I'm spending a lot of the time I used to spend on porn reading and posting here.

I used Pmo as a reward as well. It was like a little mini vacation that helped me cope with the reality of the stage of life I am in. I think I may be on the longest MO streak of my life right now and that is keeping me going right now. I want my brain to heal and I want to have a real sex life with my wife and not use her like a sex object. I have to press on. I think it will get easier. Without a doubt alcohol was easier to give up than Pmo. I may have lost my mind if I tried to go cold turkey on both addictions.

 

Day 19. Though I didn't intend it to be, my user name is a double entendres. I generally get up early in the morning. I used to do this to go sport fishing. But as life got busy, I turned to alcohol and porn as an escape. In my addiction I woke up early and engaged while everyone else was sleeping. It is a crafty way to avoid being caught with porn but very dangerous with alcohol. Insanity would describe my past behavior.

I'm experiencing withdrawals from PMO because for the past several days I wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning and immediately think about porn and masturbation. I used to do the same with alcohol. I've been reading journals on here and reading the book the most personal addiction to get me through to a busy time in my day where relapse is not possible.

Today I will be with my 13 year old all day for 2 hockey games. We will do something enjoyable as well...make a memory.

 

I've logged in again after almost 2 years. I'm still struggling with this affliction. I'm divorced now. Addiction to alcohol and Pmo drove my spouse away.

I went intensive outpatient treatment for alcoholism and I've been sober since 5/2/16. My spouse filed for divorce when I was 90 days sober. I've attended hours of therapy and SA meetings but I still fail at this. Currently I've been abstinent from p since 12/30/17 but I masturbated yesterday and today.

I talked to my SA sponsor today. I want to go 30 days hard mode and reevaluate from there. 30 days seems impossible, but I know it's not.

 

@Kenzi Thanks for the encouragement.

Had a weekend away with my oldest son. Fought off some urges to M by being accountable to my sponsor.

I'm worth it. Noticed a lot of tension the past few days. Clenching my jaw and headaches. Also slept only 4 hours each of the last 2 nights. Nothing out of the ordinary going on at the moment so I wonder if this is P withdrawal it's been 16 days.

Have my 3 children all week while the ex travels. Gonna make the best of that and be in the moment with them.