There is hope.

Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm 38, married for 16 years to a wonderful woman and we have 3 children (13,11,and 4). I'm a recovering alcoholic with 8 months of sobriety. I attend AA meetings and I have an AA sponsor. I have a successful career and we are stable financially. I am an expert at compartmentalization and I am an addict.

I have been working at recovery for almost 2 years now. I came to recovery because I was caught. I was caught many times drinking after promising never to drink again. Deep down I thought I could control the drinking. I thought that I was not an alcoholic because I went to work, never had DUI or legal issues, etc. Plus I drank less than anyone I knew at work and they weren't alcoholics, right? I was also caught using porn. Leaving browser windows open on iPad, and hidden sex toys found. I promised to stop looking and I thought I could control PMO if my sex life improved. I was wrong.

In April 2014 my wife found beer and porn hidden in the garage attic while I was passed out after drinking. I started seeing a counselor and went to a church affiliated 12 step program. I admitted my porn and alcohol "problems" to the group. I achieved more than 6 months porn free but still MO. I strung together many days and weeks alcohol free during the same time period. In the fall of 2014 I got drunk at home and soon after I was back into PMO 2-3 times per week. I managed to not drink most of the time and became pretty good with the timing of my drinking so my wife would not find out. PMO was ongoing.

Then in February of 2015 my wife suddenly changed her attitude toward me. What a surprise after all those years? She became very cold, would not communicate and all intimacy stopped. She would not go to counseling. The drinking escalated and became daily through May of 2015 when she called my parents and my dad intervened. I didn't drink for 2 weeks and then stayed drunk for almost 2 weeks. All the while I was going to my weekly church recovery meeting and pretending to be OK. On June 15, 2015 I came clean with the recovery group and went to my first AA meeting the next day. I got a sponsor and he required that I call him every day. I have managed not to drink even through some very difficult temptations on business trips. I don't want to drink anymore and I am working on my 4th step inventory, currently.

From February to August of 2015 there was no sex with my wife. Then, sex resumed in September and part of October but stopped again. Its been more than 3 months now. I am incredibly frustrated by that, but at the same time I understand. There is no connection. My wife and I went to couples counseling a few times in November and then she went to a session on her own. She discussed her private session with me. She said she would not be going back to the counselor. The counselor told her she was playing the victim role and that she needed to understand that my addiction did not mean that I don't love her. My wife said that was no help to her and the counselor was taking my side. When I asked about why the sex stopped back in October, my wife says that she decided she wasn't going to force herself anymore. Throughout the marriage I have had a stronger sex drive than her and many times I felt like she could take it or leave it. This is no justification for looking at porn, just a fact. I masturbated prior to marriage and carried a lot of shame about that into the marriage. I thought a married sex life would end the desire to masturbate. Wrong! Then, along came high speed internet and I became an addict.

I'm addicted to PMO and MO, just like I am powerless over alcohol I am powerless over PMO. Even when I went porn free for 6 months I still MO. I'm currently on Day 6 hard mode. over the past few months I have had many 6-12 day streaks and then I relapse. I have been using the sexless marriage as a justification. Telling myself that PMO is just an outlet for my sex drive and at least it is not sex with another person. No more of that. I usually have pretty easy time for the first few weeks and then I start experiencing what seem to be withdrawal symptoms. So, I know what is coming soon.

I have read several journals on here and the one that is the most helpful came from @TheWife. That has really helped me to empathize to what my wife is feeling. Betrayal, no trust, and disgusted.

At this point there is very little communication. My wife has become very rude and disrespectful to me most of the time. Often she just mumbles if I ask her a question and would prefer if I just did not talk to her at all. She has isolated herself from my extended family and won't respond to texts or phone calls from them. I don't know what to do other than focus on staying sober from Alcohol and establish sobriety over PMO. She does not has no reason to trust me. I have relapsed over an over again.

I'm incredibly ashamed of all of this failure and the cycle of addiction. I have had thoughts that my wife and kids would be better off if I left the house because of my repeated relapse. Then, I think how incredibly selfish that would be. I love my children and my wife and they need me in their life. To make this big mess of my marriage and destroy my wife emotionally and then leave would be the ultimate act of selfishness. I must recover completely for me and for them.

I'm feeling pretty helpless about the relationship right now. It is difficult to keep plowing through with such a bitter attitude from my wife. I deserve it, but I wish she would show some mercy. I feel like such a failure around her and my mood goes down. I don't even know how to behave around her any more. Should I mourn with her? Try to be positive? I wish I knew what would help.

In any case my wife told me last week that she wanted to go on vacation with the kids to the caribbean and that I was invited to go. I told her that I wasn't sure about that since things were so strained between us and I wasn't sure I could have a good time. She told me there were no guarantees, but I should take a risk.

I booked the vacation yesterday. It was tough to do. I am very frugal and did not want to spend that much money. I know I have to approach this trip with no expectations and in the least I will be able to spend quality time with my children and make some lasting memories with them. It does give us both something to look forward to and a common goal. My goal is to leave for that trip with a 60+ day PMO free streak. I know that reaching that goal will only happen 1 day at a time and there are some tough days coming up.

I hope that I did not ramble too much and my story makes sense.

Thanks to all who contribute here. I know many men and women here have experiences that may help me navigate through this and I would appreciate any advice.

 

Thanks @TheWife and @i_wanna_get_better1. Great input that I will put into practice. I'm really getting the cart in front of the horse. I see so much improvement with my alcoholism which has always been a huge issue with my wife. But, I'm still young in the process and I haven't done any of the hard work required to recover from PMO. I see that what I have really been hoping for is a get out of jail free card. Very selfish behavior that I will work on changing. I have to be accountable for the damage I have caused and do the recovery work.

The mental image of seeing my kids every other weekend when tempted to fap or use porn is a powerful one, so thanks for that. I'll check in here ever week or so, but it may be more appropriate to start a journal in my age appropriate group. Relationship cannot move forward until I make progress with pmo addiction.

 

So this morning I decided to put on a counter and arbitrarily set a 60 day goal. It turns out that day sixty will be the day we leave for our family trip to Mexico.

Right now I'm really trying to be patient with my wife. I try to talk to her and she is so cold. She has no patience for me to even have a brief discussion. I feel like it makes her sick just to look at me. It's a sad situation I find myself in. I'm waking up and she seems completely numb to me. It really hurts.

It's not the time to start feeling sorry for myself. I must focus on her needs and my recovery. At the moment I'm having no urges at all. Maybe a flatline. I know what is coming soon enough. It happened last time I got about 14 days in. Sex dreams, fantasies, p flashbacks, etc. It was awful, but I'll have pass through that to heal.

 

Thanks for the reply @Ikindaknew. Stayed the course today. No urges again which is great. I watched half of your brain on porn this morning and will finish it tonight. Overall a good day.

 

I've stayed clean and I have noticed some changes in my emotional state over the past few days. Yesterday I was very irritable and I had a pretty short fuse. I got to the point of rage like anger in the morning. I have not experienced that many times in my life. It set the tone for an ugly day. I'm sure this is part of the healing process and is probably normal. journaling here helps me process the emotions and prepare to deal with what may come next.

I have been reflecting a lot over the past 10 years of my life. I have many regrets and many of those years seem like a blur. My children have done a lot of growing up while I was numbed out on porn and booze. My body was there, but I wasn't emotionally available the way they needed me to be. How sad that I wasted those years that we can never get back. I mourn for the pain I've caused my wife, but what can I do now but focus on recovery? Hopefully one day I can make a proper amends to her.

There is a lot of work to be done, but my desire to change is stronger than my desire to stay the same.

I have several opportunities today to connect with my children and I'm going to make the most of those.

 

@Serial1 thanks for visiting my journal. I have read and re-read the post from @TheWife. i have found it to be very helpful to my situation. So insightful and spot on to what my wife has been telling me. Hearing it from another person and being able to go back and review it again helps me understand what my wife is feeling.

I'm starting to see my wife as a person that is really hurting and that helps me focus on taking the proper steps to recover. I was in denial about how much pmo impacted me. It was secret and I rationalized that as long as I kept it hidden no one was being harmed. I rationalized that it provided me with sexual release and didn't take anything away from my wife. What a lie. I'm learning now how to love her and not expecting sex or anything else in return.

My wife is slowly thawing out. She is talking to me a bit more. We are having a few laughs. Yesterday she texted me a funny picture of our 4 year old. She invited my extended family to our home for the big game tonight. Such small things, but they give me hope. Slow progress is being made and I am thankful.

Some big events coming up this month. I have a 5 day business trip to Miami that will test my sobriety in both addictions. I am committed to recovery and I am viewing this as an opportunity to hit a milestone. the day I return my wife and I will go to a large nearby city for a 2 night hotel stay. She was awarded the weekend trip for her performance at work and she invited me to go with her.

In regards to pmo, urges have had a slight uptick, but I have been able to suppress them quickly. I think about the marriage, kids, and even the increased motivation and focus I have in just 13 days of abstinence. I have become very careful about Internet usage. Ads that pop up can quickly lead to urges and if allowed to grow its full blown temptation. I was visiting a sport fishing discussion board and a Victoria's secret ad popped up. my reaction was strange. I felt sort of a rush, kinda like my heart fluttering. That was quickly followed by a feeling of anxiety and I closed the ad. It happened in less than 2 seconds and there was no extreme temptation etc. afterward. This lets me know why people install blockers, modify router settings, or get off internet alltogether. The reward circuit is powerful.

When I finally got sober from alcohol, I had made a decision that I was a person that cannot drink. It is off limits and I now view alcohol as poison to me. After 30 days the urges to drink alcohol went away. I'm now viewing p and m the same way. They are both poison to me and the most dangerous threat to everything I love and desire in my life.

I believe I am beginning to make some real progress so I'm going to change the title of my post.

Thanks for the support. I won't drink or pmo/mo today. Long term recovery is achieved one day at a time.

 

Still fighting. Urges are mostly nonexistent, and I'm not complaining. Focus and motivation are increasing. Can't wait to notice more improvements.

Facebook has a lot of triggers. I'm keeping a low profile there. Also get emails from menshealth lots of sex stories and pics that are triggering. I had become totally desensitized to our sex crazed culture.

I'm fighting for my marriage. I want to become a man deserving of my wife. She is incredible. Most of the time she is pretty cold still and I don't always know how to act around her. One day at a time.

 

Still going. Urges coming more often now along with sex dreams and some insomnia. I set up an appointment with my counselor. I need some support in real life. I have read through most of the book The Most Personal Addiction and I am finding it very helpful.

 

@i_wanna_get_better1 I started seeing this counselor in April of 2014. I visited him 10 times or so when I was porn free for 6 months. I stopped going to see him and I relapsed to porn and alcohol. The main issue uncovered was childhood sexual abuse that I experienced. Prior to that I had only told my wife about that early in our relationship. I don't feel as if I have fully dealt with the abuse, but I was able to tell my father about it in June of 2015, And that was a start.

My support system is my AA sponsor and another 12 step men's group that I attend. I told my AA sponsor about porn addiction about a month ago. He never asks about it and has not offered any support. Maybe he doesn't know how to help or maybe he has a problem with porn himself? I was not able to make the men's group this week due to activities for my kids. But to answer your question, I have not replaced the addictions. I don't have much personal time because of mine and my wife's work schedules and kids activities in the evening. Weekends right now consist of hockey games for my 13 year old and trying to maintain the house, wash clothes, etc. my wife and I share those responsibilities and it is draining. My personal therapist and the marriage therapist were telling me to go to more recovery meetings. That made me really angry because that means my life only revolves around work, kids, and recovery meetings. There is no time for anything else. The activities in my life have not changed, I'm just doing them without alcohol and now without PmO.

I think I am going through a mild depression.