The Worst Part of Porn Addiction

HeyWassupHi, I created an account yesterday. I want to talk about the worst part of porn addiction for me.

It's not the time it consumes, or the energy it drains, or the loneliness it breeds. It's not the regret I feel wondering how I might have spent all those hours differently, and it's not the tinge of anxiety I feel whenever I open my laptop.

A worthy candidate for the worst part of porn addiction is the inevitable look of disappointment I see on my girlfriend's face when I fail yet again to orgasm in bed. Twice she's told me point blank, "I feel like I am not enough for you." That alone has sent me spiraling into depressive episodes, but it still isn't the worst part.

The truth, and the worst part of porn addiction, is that she is enough for me. It's just that I am not. I can't orgasm during sex with the woman I love not because she doesn't turn me on, but because I don't.

Through porn I taught myself not just to objectify women, but also to objectify men... to objectify myself. Gradually, steadily, and voluntarily, I learned to distill my sexual worth down to one thing: the number of inches between the base and tip of my dick. Again and again I reinforced the idea that because I am not pornstar-big, I cannot truly satisfy a woman. And because of that I am worthless.

My girlfriend orgasms once or twice every time we have sex. She tells me I have a big dick, that she's never had better sex. She looks me in eyes and says, "I want you so badly." It's the sex life I dreamed of as a 14-year-old.

But I get no joy from these compliments. They slide off me like raindrops on a windshield. I don't think she's a liar, yet I don't believe she's telling the truth. How can I believe her, given the years of "education" I've received from porn about what women truly want? Given the choice, I tell myself, there's no way she'd pick sex with me over sex with a pornstar!

That's the worst part about porn addiction -- the toll it's taken on my self esteem. The crippling feeling of worthlessness. The distrust that turns into anxiety and then depression. It's bad for me, for my girlfriend, for everyone. No one wins when I watch porn.

My therapist recently told me that men and women alike self-report that the most crucial aspect to great sex is presence: basically, how into it you are.

I want to believe that. I want to believe my girlfriend. I want to believe in myself.

It's day 2 and I'm full of fear. On day 90, I want to look back on this post with a clear mind, full of compassion and love for myself.

Everyone has a frontier to conquer. Porn addiction happens to be yours and mine. Let's free ourselves from warped minds and discover the self-respect that exists within!