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The Virtuous Fetishist

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by OnceAfraidToMerge, Jul 10, 2018.

  1. So there's a part of my journey that I've been struggling to come to terms with in my head, and I wondered if anyone had any opinions...

    For some context, my fetish was something that was of interest to me (in a non-sexual setting) from a very young age and developed into a sexual fetish later in life. For this reason, I don't think it was a consequence of porn; porn certainly pushed me towards the more extreme parts of my particular fetish, which NoFap has helped to remedy, but the initial fetish still exists as a central part of my sexuality.

    I've come to accept the possibility of the coexistence of my fetish and my religion. Anything consensual and loving which happens in the marriage bed is fair game, and in many schools of thought, pain and submission can be seen and experienced as spiritual events that bring one closer to God (self-flagellation, fasting, etc).

    However, my main difficulty is that I take issue with the fetish community in general. There is a big focus on promiscuity, on polyamory, on sex-centric living, on wanton hedonism; things that are contradictory to the way I want to live my life.

    Is there anyone else here with a fetish of some kind, who is also in pursuit of modesty, purity and virtue; or am I unicorn in search of other unicorns?
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2018
    Bubbles and Roady like this.
  2. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing. Very interesting. I do agree that some people are born with certain likes and dislikes. I do feel that open helps these grow. I had a bunch of fetishes including bdsm stuff, but I think most of mine are from porn.

    As long as your honest with yourself, your god, and your morals all will be ok. I say his cuz I tried to accept my fetishes as me for a long time and it enddd yo hurting me worse, because they didn’t align with my morals. Not saying this is you, just making sure all angles are covered :)

    I’m curious though, if it’s an act between you and you wife, then why the need for community?

    If you’re speaking about the bdsm community, you are correct that there’s a fair amount of hedonistic tendencies leading to sexcentric living. But there’s no reason why you have to participate in the community in order to have fun and honestly experiment with your wife.

    Lastly, make sure your wife is actually on board. Wives can have a tendency to want to please their man, especially in the bedroom (depending on culture and religious beliefs or even past life experiences). Make sure she wants to go on his journey with you, otherwise it could cause problems in your marriage later on and you might have regrets that oh pushed her down a path you wish you didn’t.

    Just make sure you are being honest with yourself about your sexual desires and that they’re not being clouded by addiction, and also that your wife feels she can be honest about what she wants.
     
  3. My only reason for mentioning community is that that's the only group of people who outwardly speak about alternative interests. Since they're the loudest group, I often tend to generalise people with fetishes as sharing their views and attitudes. I don't particularly want that kind of community, I was just interested to hear if there are other people out there who share those interests whilst not having the same world views.

    That introduces another dilemma I suppose; finding a partner who shares your interests without them screaming it from the mountaintops via the aforementioned promiscuity and sex-centric living.

    Communication and honesty is key with a wife, and things like this should certainly be discussed (either playfully or not) prior to marriage.
     
  4. I read something relevant to this issue in Paul's letter to the Corinthians.

    "To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion." - 1 Corinthians 7:8-9

    Here Paul implies some people cannot be rid of their desires, and must instead moderate them.

    The ideal state of every Christian is to be celibate, but we are imperfect, born into sin and have diverse sexual needs, so Paul here compares two states of being; being a celibate who is tortured with perverse thoughts that distract from their relationship with God; and being a married person who can release their desires in a respectful and sacred environment with a committed partner, so that they are better able to focus on God outside of the marriage bed.

    There was a quote from Kierkegaard I posted on the Christian Fapstronauts group today which expresses this somewhat more eloquently.

    "The God-relationship is the mark by which the love for people is recognized as genuine. As soon as a sexual-relationship does not lead me to God, as soon as I in the sexual-relationship, even if it were the highest bliss and delight of affection, even if it were the supreme good of the lovers' earthly life, is still not true sex." - from Works of Love by Søren Kierkegaard

    The importance of intimacy is to take our "base fetish" which may well be deep routed in us (only time will tell), and allow the respectful indulgence of it to lead us into a better relationship with God.
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2018
  5. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Makes total sense. Yea on my search for community or at the very least acceptance/understanding from someone else, I too found a very hedonistic culture with very extraverted attitudes. I guess it makes sense, since you probably have to be very extraverted and “extreme” to join a sex community and shout it out to the world :). I was always more private about my desires.

    So the reason I mention the wife thing, is because I experimented a lot with my wife and now that I’m getting sober I do fear that my intentions weren’t honest and I had more interest in my pleasure than her comfort level. She’s a great person and love hanging out with me and as most humans, finds pleasure in sex. She also as most women do, find pleasure in companionship as well. So this is where it gets tricky. I feel guilty that she was enjoying the connection we were making more than the sexual acts. So I feel a little guilty. So just be aware of this when on your journey :)

    To answer your original question, I’m sure there’s people out their who have fetishes and aren’t talking about it in a hedonistic way. We just don’t hear them cuz their quiet.

    THe Internet is an odd place where everything exists and there’s a community about anything with an opinion about something. But this to me is all a bit fake compared to the real world people walking around. So it seems like what we find online is a direct look into the real world, which I’ve found isn’t true. I call it internet courage, where people do and say online what they wouldn’t do IRL. Creating an exaggerated world of strong opinions.

    I would say if your willing to participate in a community and lifestyle in real life without any problems, then it’s for you. Otherwise it could just be internet courage.

    As for fetishes, I’m currently in a place of recovery where I’m still trying to balance out. I still don’t have a clear picture of what’s my desire and what’s porn induced. So until then I’m going to keep my sex life very vanilla and when honest with myself, my therapist, my support group, and my god, I will start to experiment again.

    Hope this helps!
     
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  6. I'll be sure to keep that in mind. It certainly impacted my past relationships, and it's not something I plan on repeating any time soon.

    I think that's a big issue with what we're talking about. The idea that fetishes, which are alternative parts of sexuality that should exist behind-closed-doors, are treated as lifestyles and communities.

    I personally have no interest in a community of any kind regarding this, but it is interesting to hear individuals views and beliefs to see if one is alone in a train of thought. Although I can certainly see where you're coming from with regards to internet courage!

    Restraint, power play and some very mild sadomasochism. Nothing particularly crazy.
     
    Roady likes this.
  7. It's true that this is the primary message here. However, there is no mention of fetishes in the Bible so meaning must be found elsewhere. I was reading this particular verse interpreting fornication as any sexual act out of wedlock, fetish and all.

    The word that often appears in scripture is lasciviousness, meaning overt-sexuality and animalistic lust.

    As long as a sex act does not embody this description and is engaged in out of love in a Godly relationship rather than lasciviousness, then surely there is no immorality there.

    You may be right that there is some kind of "root issue", although I can't say that having this preference is a source of upset for me. I'll continue with prayer and self-reflection, and be skeptical of my own motivations and ensure that whatever I do with a partner is done out of love and a pure, mutual desire.
     
    Roady likes this.
  8. I was interested by the idea of a root issue. So I had a look at the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), to see how paraphilia is viewed by psychologists.

    The consensus in the DSM-5 for many fetishes, including BDSM, crossdressing and any sexual interest in inanimate objects, is that it is not classifiable as a mental disorder unless the behaviour it inspires is compulsive and not able to be controlled causing significant damage to a person's career, finances, social life and mental well-being.

    "Many individuals who self-identify as fetishist practitioners do not necessarily report clinical impairment in association with their fetish-associated behaviors. Such individuals could be considered as having a fetish but not fetishistic disorder."

    So it's important for us to think about the effect (if any) that our fetish is having on our life in order to identify the difference between a preference and an obsession.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2018
  9. Achamian

    Achamian New Fapstronaut

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    This is fascinating to me. I am more of a liberal atheist poly type person myself, but the question of how to engage in kink in a way that meshes with your own moral code is an issue that isn't germane only to Christians. I struggle with this all the time -- how much do my partners really like this? Am I imposing my will upon them? Are they doing it to please me, or are they truly enjoying themselves?

    The conclusion I've come to is that, in order to really respect your partners, you have to grant them the assumption of agency. If there's no coercion going on -- and it sounds like you're thoughtful enough that there's not -- then you have to respect your wife enough to trust and believe her when she says "yes". Otherwise, you're actually condescending to her by questioning whether she's capable of consent. And then seek honest feedback. What did she like? What was she not so into? What can you do more of to make her happier?

    As far as whether promiscuity and polyamory and whatnot are immoral or not, that's up to you to decide. Obviously, I don't think they are, as long as everyone is consenting and fully informed. I do happen to know that there's a Christian Domestic Discipline scene that's fairly active, and some people who do that will also show up to spanking parties and play with people (there's generally no actual sex at spanking parties, just play). I'm not sure how they square that with the whole Christian thing, but they manage somehow. You might want to check that out, @OnceAfraidToMerge.
     

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