The slippery slope, loose sex, porn, swinging, now my lost marriage.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Newmindandsoul, Nov 13, 2018.

  1. Newmindandsoul

    Newmindandsoul Fapstronaut

    My story is a sad but seemingly not unusual tale of how the slippery slope can ruin lives. Beginning with the end, I sit here alone in my house. My wife of 11 years, my 10 year old daughter, 5 year old son, and 3 year old son live in dumpy rental 1.5 miles down the road. My wife hates me. Oh not just for the sex addiction but for who the man I've become because of it. I was always angry. For me it wasn't just porn, oh that started it alright but the continual quest for that next sexual experience. We were swingers as well. Just live porn in actuality. We forsake our Christian vows, allowed our self to forsake our values of faith. I am a broken man. Desperately in need of my Savior.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2018
  2. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    One of the guys here, GhostWriter, sometimes says that we have to hit rock bottom before we see what we need to change in our lives. It sounds like you've reached that point. It's going to be hell ridding your life of porn but on the tough days you can look back at your first post and remember why you are doing this. Good luck, you are in the right place.
     
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  3. Newmindandsoul

    Newmindandsoul Fapstronaut

    Thanks Bro. I've never admitted that I need help for anything, ever. I want to become a new man. Not just the porn although that's a top priority. I want to live a new life. Your response mattered this morning, thank you.
     
  4. Semaphore

    Semaphore Fapstronaut

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    Hey @Newmindandsoul I hear you too.
    Sounds like you have reached a new low and im so sorry to hear that.
    I'm a year into NoFap and boy, Ive learned alot about myself.
    Keep reading round other people's posts and keep posting yourself - about how you feel and stuff that has inspired you.
    Don't underestimate the scale of the battle ahead but continue to visualise success and how to distance yourself from what was was unsettling you and your partner before.
    There's a good chance you will rediscover yourself and your marriage. Not a bad goal to set.
    I undertook an affair as a sideline to my porn addiction and escort abuse. I knew it was wrong but went ahead and did it. When I admitted it to my wife of 30 years she quite justifiably kicked me out. Four years later we are back/still together albeit a bit shaky at times. And although I am never going to have another affair I'm taking better control of the porn and escorts.
    No doubt NoFap has helped me and it will you too IF YOU WORK IT.
    Embrace this community and work harder than you ever worked on anything ever before.
    It is the road to those goals you have described.
     
  5. Myfortress

    Myfortress Fapstronaut

    You can turn your life around. You mentioned Christian vows and your Savior. If you have put your faith in Christ he has been waiting for this moment. He always stands ready to welcome you back into fellowship with him. He can help you rebuild your life and your relationships. Call on him. Pray. There is a Christian group on this site where you can find hope and encouragement. I am praying for you.
     
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  6. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Here, and they have a Christian forum in the group too, here.
     
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  7. Newmindandsoul

    Newmindandsoul Fapstronaut

    I join the group and am now on Telegram as well. I look forward to leaning on and learning from my Christian bro's!
     
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  8. Newmindandsoul

    Newmindandsoul Fapstronaut

    The first exercise:
    My reboot will last a minimum of 90 days. Since my wife is separated from me it will be a total break and complete abstinence. I have not had sex (not by choice) for 4 1/2 months. This is the longest period of sexual abstinence I've even had since I was a teenager. I will not have sex again until my marriage is repaired. I never want to view porn or fantasize about sexual experiences again. I also do not want to masturbate. This seems far more daunting to me. However I desperately want to honor my body and my God.
     
  9. Newmindandsoul

    Newmindandsoul Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your heartfelt comments. I'm happy to hear that you're back with your wife and I pray that God helps you reach the full potential for your relationship.

    I know this will be difficult. I'm already struggling. But I'm so committed to improving who I am. Maybe that will restore my marriage, but maybe it won't. But ultimately it WILL get me right with my God.

    Dude, I'm scared. I've probably rarely if ever said that before. Easy to be brave hiding behind a keyboard. I'm scared that the rest of my life will be alone. Seeing my children only half the time. Watching the woman I love hate me and maybe loving someone else. But I'm still going to do this. I will succeed. I WANT to change.
     
  10. Myfortress

    Myfortress Fapstronaut

    Those are good goals. You can do it with God's help and the other members of this group.
     
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  11. Myfortress

    Myfortress Fapstronaut

    You can do it. Draw near to God. Rekindle your relationship with him. Spend time in worship, the word and prayer each morning. Bring your fear to Him and he will give you courage. As you continue to stay pure your closeness to him will grow.
     
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  12. Newmindandsoul

    Newmindandsoul Fapstronaut

    Today's exercise is to record all the ways that porn negatively has impacted my life.

    Haha where to begin? First off porn was exposed to me at a very young age for my generation. I started viewing the hardcore magazines I would find hidden by my father probably as early as 10. I'm not sure at what point I began masterbating but I do remember figuring that out entirely by accident! You mean this thing can go off like that?! I do recall that my father then started bringing home porno films that he would pirate on beta when I was 11 or 12. He wasn't too sneaky about it and I found his stash. Since we were home after school alone frequently, it created the perfect environment to watch and masterbate to these tapes. I definitely found scenes and scenarios I preferred and would watch often. I would even introduce them to friends and watch them (without masterbating) together. I quickly would find the girls that would help me do it in real life and my life as a sex addict was off to a "good" start.

    The funny part is that visual porn frequently took a backseat as I found ways to live out my sexual addictions. I had some threesomes and role playing but it wasn't until I met my wife that I was able to fully realize this fantasy.

    This is where swinging came into play. My ex-wife and I had discussed it but she chose the path of affairs instead. But when I met my current wife (we are currently separated by her choice) she jumped right on board quite literally! Suddenly I had the life every man wants( be careful what you wish for). I had a wife I loved and wanted to start a family, but I could still sleep with other women. And that we did. It was live porn. I was "making" the movies I enjoyed since a child. It kept getting more involved and more deviant to keep the newness going. I became more all consuming. I became more demanding. Pretty soon if I didn't get my "fix" I got mad and abusive verbally. I was living a secret life and knowing all the while if I was "found out" it was a big deal. I stopped even knowing how to express for feelings or love for my wife without sex being involve. I made her life miserable because of my addiction. She eventually tried to stop it and put an end to it. But all this did was infuriate me because she was changing the rules to our relationship. Instead of realizing the damage it was creating and recognizing it as an addiction, I blamed her. She decided 4 1/2 months ago that she'd had enough. She took our three children and left. Now I realize what I've done and what it's done to her but it seems to be too late. She can't stand to be around me and does not want to work through it. Now my beautiful children are broken and distraught. I'm a shell of the once confident man that I was. All this because of porn. Porn hasn't just negatively effected my life, it's DESTROYED it. So am I motivated? Yes, I am. Do I have enough strength to do it? I sure hope so, but it's a struggle everyday. I want the reset. I want my family, no matter what, I want out of this addiction.
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2018
  13. Myfortress

    Myfortress Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing. I'm praying for restoration.
     
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  14. Prof Abraham

    Prof Abraham Fapstronaut

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    That is an incredible story. The life you led would have been a fantasy for me in the past. Incredible. It does show how the family unit is so, so precious. Certainly the value of recreational sex is nothing in comparison.
     
  15. Newmindandsoul

    Newmindandsoul Fapstronaut

    Thanks for reading it. Amazing how many would have desired that life. Truth is I have to keep reminding myself multiple times a day what it's done to me or else I want it back. Just repeat the cycle like some kind of idiot. I've actually already been approached by those I know in the lifestyle to offer me some fun. Do you know how tempting that is?! Although believe it or not that's somewhat easier to walk away from then the porn is now because the porn is always there, always available, always offering the quick fix. And all I want is my wife to be with me in a restored relationship.
     
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  16. daemonswithin

    daemonswithin Fapstronaut

    My heart goes out to you. Your story is so tragic but yet at the same time filled with hope. There are so many who can go their entire lives without acknowledging addiction enough to make steps towards recovery, and it seems as if you are taking those first steps towards a life free from addiction. The strength to recover will come from the support you seek and the trust you place in Christ. There's no guarantee you'll restore your family, but there is a guarantee that by recovering from addiction and becoming a man of integrity, it will only help your family and especially your children. They're obviously suffering greatly because of your situation, but it's never too late to begin healing. It starts with yourself because that's what you have the most control over.

    Although you say porn is the harder thing to walk away from, and as an expert porn addict I know what you mean, it did give me pause to read there are those from your previous lifestyle who are tempting you. I encourage you to do whatever you can to eliminate and cut off those temptations (people) from your life so you can fully immerse yourself in what matters most - your recovery. No matter what consequences you have yet to face in your separation, recovery is the most critical thing for you, and everything and anything that threatens your recovery should take maximum energy and determination to eliminate the threat.

    Support is invaluable, and if you haven't already done so, you may want to consider real life support as well in the form of SA or SAA. The goal is to make recovery your new lifestyle, to replace the things that have kept you addicted with healthy relationships and habits. This is a long journey and you're at the beginning of it. I don't say that to discourage you, but to rather encourage you to embrace it and commit to it, and by doing so you will give yourself the best possible chance of achieving your goals and restoring the relationships that matter most to you. We're here to support you in any way possible.
     
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  17. Prof Abraham

    Prof Abraham Fapstronaut

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    No, but I can imagine: probably x1000 more tempting than looking at P. Holy Moses.
     
  18. Prof Abraham

    Prof Abraham Fapstronaut

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    Yes, the dark ones come, out of the night, and tempt...so tempting. They really are like vampires.
     
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  19. Freddiefox

    Freddiefox Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the community. Sorry to hear the conditions you have arrived here in but I'm glad you came.
    Read, learn and work your plan. Never be afraid to ask anything.
    Let her see how you are growing and improving. She will have to heal herself but seeing you working will help.
    Never give up and be honest and open should she ask you about anything.
     
  20. Newmindandsoul

    Newmindandsoul Fapstronaut

    So far it's been difficult with tempantions but not impossibly tough. I'm making connections with so many of you and appreciate the support and words of encouragement. I'm leaving in a few hours for a week long hunting trip with my daughter in Montana so the distraction is a welcome one.

    The exercise of listing the benefits and negatives of porn and to decide if I'm bought into the concept seemed overly unnecessary since I'm here because I NEED this cycle to end. However, I fully recognize that many fail and so I want to be cautious and follow the program as closely as I can.

    The benefits are fairly easy for me to identify. I can avoid dealing with my pain and real issues by living in the fantasy world of porn/swinging/or role playing. It's a habit and PMO scratches that itch. It's enjoyable. It can at times allow me to connect with my wife.

    The negatives are it's ruining my ability to enjoy normal intimate sexual relations with my wife. Since she's left me a filed for divorce you could say that no longer matters but it is just as relevant now as ever. I will NEVER be able to enjoy sex as I want it or as God created us to enjoy it unless I break this hold. It runs my life, I think about sex all the time. I've pushed my wife into sex when she didn't want it because the addiction didn't allow me to have enough flexibility to do what she needed. It is NOT God honoring. I understand that this may not be a good reason for some but it's very important to my faith. I've lived a secret "other" life for too long and this has led to guilt and shame and isolation. So I can't be honest about what I do, therefore I try to deal with it alone.

    The negatives FAR outweigh the positives. I WILL NOT continue to live this way for me, for my God, for my children, and for my wife. Even though it sees the wife will not be a factor going forward, this addiction would have to be gone regardless. I guess as one benefit of complete abstinence during my reboot is she's not a temptation sleeping next to me!
     

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