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The Rock Bottom I Wanted

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by eash860531, Oct 10, 2018.

  1. eash860531

    eash860531 Fapstronaut

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    Day 64

    It’s been far too many days since I’ve made a post. I think part of the reason is because I’ve been busy with my wife on weekends and she’s been working from home more on week days. For some reason, I feel uncomfortable being on here and posting when she is around.

    I also got weird when she talked about her first therapy session this morning.

    I don’t know why I feel this way. I know I still feel sadness, embarrassment and shame when we talk and that’s a big part of it. I just don’t want her to feel like I don’t appreciate everything she’s done.

    She’s truly been incredible these 64 days.

    Her counselor suggested couples therapy - which we will look into soon.

    This has been the worst and the best 64 days of our marriage. Truly. Our bickering has stopped, most incidents that almost turn into arguments we typically end up laughing off. We’re intimate again.

    But there is so so so much pain. And so so so much work to do.
     
    Br1 R1, Katrina Rose and Jennica like this.
  2. eash860531

    eash860531 Fapstronaut

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    Day 74

    My posts are happening too far apart from each other. So here I am.

    I haven’t p or m since d-day and I am thrilled. My wife headed to family early for the holiday but got anxiety all yesterday because I will be alone. I assured her I won’t slip and she can call me whenever. I don’t think it helped much.

    I have lost all desire to even start the process of p and m. If it crosses my mind, I can easily shut it down. My wife has been so supportive and tried so hard to be understanding through this. I’m lucky.

    I plan on playing the piano and watching sports as I’m alone all day.

    She has been concerned saying i am not as loving as I was a month ago. I’ve never been an overly affectionate person, but it dwindled to nothing when I was buried in pmo- so she is worried I may be slipping.

    I told her I will try harder to be affectionate but I am further distancing myself from p and m and it feels great.
     
  3. NFWelder

    NFWelder Fapstronaut

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    I say you continue to focus on yourself while nurturing whatever she may need from you. Don't depend on her feelings too much. A woman is naturally emotional, her emotions will always roller coaster.

    Hit her with a big event or dinner to show affection
     
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2018
  4. eash860531

    eash860531 Fapstronaut

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    New year, new me. I hate clichés, but this one couldn’t be more appropriate.

    My wife and I will go out to dinner tonight, we’ll celebrate the new year with friends and a kiss... then we will begin another calendar year together.

    She asked me what my resolution was. I said to be clean. That’s it. In 2019, I will hit my 90 and 365 day mark. It will be a great year but my new year started 83 days ago.

    I will never forget how lost I was. How much I hurt my wife. How much I hurt myself. Never again. That’s what I said 83 days ago when she caught me and that’s what I’m still saying today. That’s the anniversary I will take more seriously every year for the rest of my life

    We continue to get stronger. A tremendous amount of pain remains, of course, but we truly haven’t been this good in years. Our fights are shortlived. We’re laughing more. We are husband and wife.

    The year will change tonight for everyone... besides me. I have 282 more days until my anniversary.
     
  5. eash860531

    eash860531 Fapstronaut

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    I have told my wife, my therapist and my accountability partner. Now here I am.

    I had a slip-up that I’m calling a relapse. I didn’t act out but I also didn’t immediately stop after seeing p on social media. It triggered me and I went looking for cam apps that I could try. That’s as far as I got before hearing my wife cough in the other room (she was sick) and I realized I needed to walk away and do something else.

    I had all those old feelings come back. I then was so disappointed in myself but was proud I didn’t act out.

    I came up with a plan but didn’t want to tell my wife until the next day (I needed to process this, figure out how to handle it) before telling her. I was never going to keep this from her.

    She obviously was hurt and sad and it felt like we started all over again. I put on the tight restrictions like when this first happened in October.

    I also admitted I had been slacking in self care. she was also gone for a few days then was sick so we didn’t have much physical contact for a week+. And I was alone in another room on social media when it happened. I think It all came together that moment.

    That was last Sunday. I’ve learned since then that I need to maximize my relapse. I made a lot of progress in the first 138 days before this happened. And I’ll continue to make progress. I’m being more active in podcasts and I plan on really getting into the 12 steps. I’ve done a lot of self care since recovery started but I haven’t done the steps.

    I know last Sunday won’t define me but it hurts resetting that number since I did see P although I didn’t M. Then again, I’m learning it’s not just about how many days sober I’ve been. I need to adopt this as a lifestyle. Stop counting the days and just focus on the day.

    I love my wife and she loves me so much. I want to stop hurting her and I think I’m getting there.
     

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