The psychological impact of years of rejection/humiliation from ED

I want to begin by saying that I hope that this process is effective in the long run. I have already found some improvements since I began this journey. However, throughout this experience, myself, just like so many others, have been on a mental and emotional rollercoaster that seems unpredictable, day by day. I am still bothered by all of the bad experiences that I had in the past and am trying to change my perspective on the issues that have plagued me for so long. I feel like giving some backstory to this discussion.

I had been prone M for several years before I had my first girlfriend in high school. ED was already a problem but I tried to think that I had just met the wrong person. I eventually changed my M position but added P to the mix. I had several girlfriends in the years to come but the relationships were short and I never felt comfortable with being dominant in the bedroom (due to issues with ED). Even when I MO'd on my own, I was never erect the entire time. I then began to date TSs and CDs as I felt that I didn't feel comfortable sexually with women. Surprise surprise, the same issue happened over and over and over again. It is so difficult to explain how humiliating this was when you didn't even know what the problem was. You begin to feel an extreme amount of shame and the negative thoughts just accumulate with each bad experience. I would be sexually aroused until some type of sexual act began or was about to begin. It was like my brain was telling me not to do it. I felt that my unit and my brain were somehow disconnected. How do you fix that? Who do I contact? These thoughts circled in my brain but I was scared of telling a doctor about this. Besides, the experiences were humiliating enough.

I eventually dated a female and we broke up after an up and down relationship that lasted 2 years. ED was a constant problem and we only had sex a few times in that period, and in only one position. The lack of sex and connection and my avoidance of the discussion catalyzed the ending of the relationship. During and before that time, I watching quite a bit of hypno sissy and feminization P. I was questioning my abilities to perform.

It is strange to mention this, but it is really one of the first times that I have felt comfortable with talking about it. When I was in this relationship, it was the first time in a long time where I thought that a guy like me (someone with ED) could be happy in a relationship. That I COULD start a family and that all of the negative ideas of myself from the past would slowly disappear. And then it all fell apart. Apparently my ex had been talking to lots of random people including my friends about some of my past experiences (things that I had trouble telling her) and was telling people that I was gay, while we were dating. Hearing this revelation diminished my trust in everyone around me. It was the cherry on top of the cake of previous feelings of rejection. The sexual identity part did not bother me because I'm still trying to figure that out... it was the feeling that someone used my most sensitive thoughts against me.

All in all, since that ended just over a year ago, I have had thoughts that I can never be truly happy (due to ED). I have become hyper sensitive to situations that feel like rejection or that I have done something to hurt a friendship or relationship. It eats at me when I feel that I have made someone uncomfortable, like I need to please others much more than myself. I have had trouble talking to those I find attractive about my past or ED in general, because I am trying to avoid the eventual rejection.

I think that my past experiences, due to the on and off issue of ED, have made me too cautious in these types of situations. This idea has resurfaced in my mind in the last two weeks. From what I have read about other people's experiences with rebooting, many of the issues that I have discussed will be improved without PMO. I am hoping for these things to change.

Right now, I am on day 10 on hard mode. However, I went 28 days on hard mode that ended with one MO, just before getting to day 10 again.

Just to avoid questions on this, I finally when to a doctor that specializes in ED from one of the top University Hospitals in the country last May. He checked me over and told me that I did not have any strong physiological reasons for my ED. This would assume that the problem was in my head... the worst news for me. Why was it the worst? Well, if it were physical, I would know how to fix it. How do you fix a mental issue that has plagued you for decades? I had no idea about the affect of P usage at this time and he never asked. All in all, the appointment was a complete waste of time.

To conclude, I have noticed changes that I haven't had in a long time (ED related). I think that I can make a full recovery in several months. I hope that this article does not come across as completely negative. I needed to get it off my chest.

 

Thank you for the kind responses to part of my story. It felt good to get it out. Besides, I know that others have faced similar experiences and maybe can learn from those issues.

For my wish, I want to be more dominant. The issue was that my unit and brain were never on the same page when I was with someone else. It just made me kind of angry at times... beyond the frustration. In just my first 28 day reboot attempt, I had a stronger reaction than I have probably had (consistently), in years. That is why I know that things are really improving... and somewhat quickly.

It depends on what you mean by "what would you like to change?" I am at a crossroads period in my life. I can already tell that I have made some lifestyle changes that are similar to all the other success stories listed on this website. Then again, I am facing several challenges right now that I had no previous reference to. In general, I am rebooting in numerous ways.

 

Wow, I feel that I am on a different wavelength than many people on here. I do not think that we are seeing the same thing. The reason that I wrote dominance is a shorthand version of a series of goals for myself. Generally, it means that I hope to have no issue with making the first move in penetration. There are other factors at work but each fit within the macro-identification of dominance.

I do not see this as similar to your examples as they relate to changes that require outside influences like weight lifting. This should not be an issue for a person that is getting an erection! That is supposed to happen naturally.

Speaking of the word erection, that word and others that are tangentially related like penis and cock, were avoided in my comments for one main reason. I am aware that these words can be triggers for many people on this site so I have tried to avoid using them in public forums. This was out of respect for others who are having extreme trouble making it through a day or two without PMO. That is also why I have tried to used PMO initials as much as possible. I know it has not always been the case but I'm attempting to decrease the usage of trigger words without a warning. But since it was already noted earlier, there is no reason for me not to put them in now. This is not to say that I have issues with others doing this. A person has a right to speak his or her mind on the topic of choice. This is just my own rule that I try to follow. Since it was challenged, I need to defend it.

I realize that a reaction is actually an erection. My word choices were purposeful. And I don't think I need to continually say that I am a man on this site. I am comfortable with my penis and my masculine ways. Then again, not all people that get erections identify as being men.

Sorry this needed to be said.

 

Lyart,
I wouldn't say that I am proud of being a man. I accept the role of being of man while following cultural cues, pronoun usage, and dressing patterns. I do not necessarily follow the mold of the stereotypical or 'ideal type' masculine male, which goes against having a certain amount of pride in group membership (identifying as a man). I am proud of the foundation that I have created for myself in order to stay alive.

I feel that my issues with intimate types of communication will change with this reboot. I have had constant feelings of shame and embarrassment due to PMO. I know this has affected me in numerous settings, such as in school and in relationships. I have gained decent communication skills through my job over the last few years. The main issue is having discussions when my insecurities are involved (ED, past situations, shame). These come from emotionally driven relationships with people. I want to remove those thoughts from my mind and life.

I have never tried blue pills or testosterone. I was prescribed the blue pill by a doctor that had no knowledge of the impact of prone masturbation or porn usage on ED. He was just pushing pills. I decided not to do it. I have studied enough of this issue to view those options as a short term fix. I want to put my time and effort into this reboot, instead.

 

Well I do have to say that not all of these factors are true. I recently earned my master's degree, and am in the process of changing careers. The combination of this and NoFap has been a bit difficult to deal with on a daily basis.

I am trying to stay positive.

 

Thank you for providing this information. I think that we are both trying to uncover the mystery of our issue within the rebooting process. I am trying to remain hopeful that this problem might be resolved either partially or fully as we avoid PMO and develop more beneficial and productive lifestyle modalities. The simple yet challenging part of the process is just to remain patient.

I think that avoiding MO for a while will help. Again, I'm not a doctor so I can only speak from my experience and similar experiences from others on this site. Short-term sacrifices for long-term gains. Besides, few doctors will discuss the relationship between porn and ED. It is useful to visit a doctor to rule out previously undetected physical ailments, but I would really give this process a strong effort. It would save you time, money, and heartache in the long-run if the process works, right?

 

Yeah I'm realizing that just talking it through, even in your own mind, can help. I'm just hoping that this process works for me.

I know that unconsciously, my choice in study was influenced by my ED symptoms. As a social analyst, I wanted to understand people and how social changes occurred. At the same time, I saw myself as an outsider trying to understand 'normal' people. Maybe this is why I never felt that I belonged within any group type and didn't subscribe to an archetypal identity. I think that we all do this to some extent. I saw others as being happy and wondered why I was not allowed to be. The grass is always greener on the other side. But I never seemed to fit in. You start to see yourself as less of a person due to the lack of options that are normally available to a regular person. So maybe my social science background was manifested partly to find out what life could have been like for me, if I didn't have this issue. Or maybe it was to partially distract me from my own issues. Then again, it could have just been preparing me for the eventuality of having all my friends find solace in a relationship while I search for comfort in my studies.

Unfortunately, I still feel like an outsider but I've always been one to over-analyze situations. Maybe that will change in time but who knows. Just felt like getting those thoughts out. "'Til then, I'll walk alone."