The Pilgrim - Day 170

I watched pornography. Today, on Day 170 of my reboot, I watched pornography and masturbated.

"Why is this in the Success Stories?" you ask.

Because watching pornography was the final step in my victory over pornography.

See, I didn't watch pornography because I finally caved in to my urges. I didn't watch it because the little receptors in my brain were clamouring for dopamine. I didn't watch pornography because I failed.

I watched it because I won.

I sat down, I opened up my laptop, and then I thought very hard about it. I looked at myself, examined my heart, investigated my intentions. I knew that I could walk away, and that I had the strength and willpower to walk away. I was under no illusion that I had to watch pornography to fulfill me.

And so I decided to give my brain what is has been asking for for so long. Ever since I started my reboot, I have struggle with the urges. And I decided to show my brain the lie that it was craving.

I loathe porn. It is wicked, depraved, ugly, and outright vile. The porn industry is built on the souls of billions of men and women, mining their sorrow and pain for mere money.

I have stared PORN in the eyes, and I have spit in its face. It has no hold over me any longer. I am free.

I, Sunshadow the Pilgrim, declare myself to be a child of the Living God, completely protected by his loving arm, totally safe from the arrows of the enemy, utterly dependent upon his loving mercy. Pornography is a dog that is howling at the windows, but my God has a two-edged sword that can cleave flesh from spirit, and he will defend me from all who come against me. Come against me, pornography, I will stomp on your grave and bask in the glory of your defeat.

This is my manifesto. I pray that all who read it may find a manifesto of their own, and overthrow the demon of pornography that has such a strong hold on their life.

- Sunshadow

 

Nope.

I've realized that I was viewing it wrong all along.

I was counting days, thinking that a big enough number would mean that I was free, and I would never want P again. In that situation, a reset means that you have to start all over again, looking to get that big number. But that whole mindset is dangerous. I could never reach a number big enough to free me from my desire.

It's a lifestyle change that has to happen. You have to realign your thinking. P can no longer be attractive, or else you will 100% go back to it for comfort, or stress-relief, or entertainment, or whatever.

By viewing P deliberately, and seeing it for what it is, I dealt the death-blow to my desire for P. I still have bodily urges, when my body wants release from the sexual pressure. But those urges don't translate into a desire to watch pornography. I have been freed from my addiction, and so resets are no longer necessary.

Honestly, from now on my journey on NoFap is going to be a journey of how I'm healing, how I'm thinking, and what I'm changing about myself. And I hope that I'll be able to encourage some other people on here.

- Sunshadow

EDIT: Lol, where'd he go? I swear, I'm not just talking to myself in my success stories thread, I'm not that crazy.

 

Yes, I agree. It was risky. I thought about it quite thoroughly beforehand, but it was definitely risky. And I wouldn't advise others to do it, but this is a forum of people finding their own way to escape the addiction. There are many stories on here about people who used having regular sexual encounters (not with a spouse) as part of their battle. I disagree pretty strongly with that, I think sex is for marriage only, so I'm not going to take their advice. But it's still there.

You're right, I don't need to prove it to myself! But I had found that I had stalled in my battle. I wasn't moving anymore. I was being dragged down by a desire for the very thing I professed to want to stop. And seeing the ugliness that I thought I wanted was the impetus that allowed me to escape the quicksand.

Good luck to you too, sir! Thank you for your thoughts.

- Sunshadow

EDIT: Also, to be perfectly clear, I have absolutely no intentions of going back to regular PMOing. This was a milestone on my way to complete freedom. I fully intend to never watch pornography again, not even to try and give myself a boost like happened on Sunday. I'm not going to play with fire. God was protecting me, I know, and I'm not going to test him again.