The Opposite of Addiction is Connection (840 days of freedom)

I have come to a point in my recovery where I experience daily a reality in which I am less afraid of being afraid, and am compassionate enough to expose myself truthfully to others. In so doing I have felt enabled to experience a filter free reception of people. This transforms the world I thought I knew every day. My brilliant conclusions about it all get turned upside down. I stop waiting for things to happen in a world I already know about, and start seeking in every moment new Truth and life in a world I know nothing of. Embracing this fear and uncertainty, I am made anew.

I actively listen to others and respond truthfully. Their words flow in without my visualizing them, and I simply respond on impulse. Life flows through my limbs without overexciting them. I am more comfortable with discomfort. My heart is more capable of receiving those around me, and my energy gained through abstinence from PMO flows out of me and infects others with happiness and inspiration (at the very least, positivity). I haven't been able to use this energy in this way ever before. It was there, but I kept it all balled up inside of me, spending it on pursuits more personal, although still positive and constructive, nothing so involved. It stank of pride.

Now I feel it has become more akin to charity: I get over myself enough to direct my full attention to who a person I am socializing with is. I ask where they're from, what they studied, what they like. I ask these questions, but I really ask them, not because I want to watch myself in my mind's eye be social and cross that box off my "self-development activities" list, but because I can only see the outside of the person in front of me and want to understand the intangible things that comprise that person’s character. Embracing a fear of silence in conversation, and revealing my hearts most inward emotional reactions discernible in their physical expressions gives me a heightened awareness of who they are. This awareness is not a series of Sherlockian deductions, but is more of an emotional presence. Scarier, but more real and more fun. From a place of humility, I open myself up to being affected by all of their actions and allow my emotional subconscious and an existence I am less certain of control the topics of conversation. I surprise myself every time with how much I end up having to say, and from a place of confidence and self-esteem I boldly allow my reactions towards all their actions rise to the surface, un-dampened by any distracting ideas of what a smooth conversation “should” look like, simply allowing the life to happen. I more often than not say it all very smoothly too, and charmingly. I ask questions about them directly relevant to the immediate surroundings and circumstances, controlling myself for just a second to think about their personality in the context of the situation we are socializing in, and a smooth, charming, friendly and fun guy comes out.

I’m finding true worthwhile communication to be not so much in the words exchanged as it is in living truthfully with another person. Instead of a sterile exchange of words and opinions which one or the other might be proud of, it becomes responding to mannerisms and facial expressions, acting with a profound sense of tone someone is carrying, and other things that I'm sure linger in my subconscious but cannot elaborate on. These are things that bring out subtext, and this is where the communication really happens. I am fulfilled in my social life in a way I've never been fulfilled before, and its FUN! SO MUCH FUN!

I think there is pre-requisite self-esteem necessary to experience this, but this process brings additional self-esteem and fulfillment on another level. Communication and life have become so much more. By embracing my fear (which don't get me wrong, is hard every time I have to do it when I enter a conversation. I’m never fully ready to do it), and laying myself bare in a conversation, I get back so much more than I've ever gotten from life before.

Interacting with people in this open-hearted way has surprised me about so many things. It makes me feel that I’m just going down the aisle of categories in my life and redefining everything, or at least cracking ideas open to more interpretations. My intention with approaching people more openly was originally one of those self-development activities that I build myself up with. I thought living with others this way would simply make me smoother and more attractive to others. It does this, but I started developing real levels of trust with others. I am making a ton of friends (guys and girls). My understanding of friendship has been utterly transformed.

What’s being taken from us by PMO is very real. Conversely, our lives are waiting to be transformed in a way that we actually cannot imagine from the imprisonment of our PMO state of existence (as useful as it is to try). It’s so good it's commonly been described as becoming a superhero. But the overwhelming nature of my discovery makes me think that I can’t really relate it to you with words alone. This is simply what life was meant to be all along. People are drawn to this, even without an ability to perceive what it could really be like for themselves. It's allowed me to get along with people I could never have imagined getting along with before.

I think we in this community know that what we’ve lost includes a lot of different things, but can’t say the reasons for which they are all connected. I think the greatest reason to be motivated to join the fight is the experience of connection I have found myself in, and this existence is no category of life, but encapsulates all of it. It’s living truthfully with another human being. In this the possibilities are endless. Perspectives are transformed, motivation is multiplied infinitely, energy skyrockets. With others, we can go from crawling to flying.

Watch these videos and you might be satisfied with an understanding of the idea of this all-encapsulating ability inside of you merited simply by being a human being (although more particularly for men). But I think the only way to experience it is to be wary of how much you involve yourself in the pink cloud fantasizing about what you can be, and to make sure that despite all of this, you cannot live your life with any certainty about your faculties, at least the ones that involve human interaction. I think this is what people mean when they say there is never a right time to do something. I think preconceived notions about anything, even if they’re actually 100% true, really stand in the way of being self-less and other seeking, and keep us in our own way of becoming truly happy.



Mark Queppet describes an energy gained from abstinence as a “retraining of your emotional system.” Addiction cripples it, and abstinence empowers what is otherwise difficult to even be aware of, much less empower.



I think this retraining of my emotional system is part of what makes me feel alive. I feel that I’ve taken hold and started utilizing a better part of me. It’s a part I can’t quantify or analyze, but a part that makes life more uncertain and amazing. This part of me connects me with the world around me, and that’s the whole point. We cannot do anything alone. PMO and other addictions keep us alone. Recovery brings us together.

 

SkyFallBack,

This post reaches the bottom of my heart! I sincerely hope you the best in your adventure! At 70 days you're well on your way! Pm me if you ever need anything!