The Most Important New Years Resolution I've Ever Made

My 102nd Day

Feels weird to type such a large number haha.

Ned, I'm glad you see me as a positive role model - I'm honored!

So I've been working on getting over that girl. Two days ago we were at a party, and when I was talking to her about hanging out as I was leaving, she said "as friends!"

The emphasis on just hanging as friends really stung me. It hurt. The next day, the two friends who were visiting me left (as planned) but I felt very lonely. Friends leaving, the usual lonliness a morning after drinking, and the finality behind this not working out with that girl all combined for a rough feeling. But it also provides closure. I can move on now. And yesterday was alright, but today was great. I felt alright and did not think about her too much. I've moved on and am in a good place. I won't be talking about her anymore.

Got a final in person interview for another program I applied to which is exciting.

 

My 108th Day

I've been having a lot of tangential thoughts that I'm just going to dump here in no particular order.

When I start working in June or July, I wAnt to start saving money Right away. I can't wait for the regular paycheck so I can start dividing my money appropriately. I've been saving over half of what I've been mAking this year and I'm happy with myself, but I've just been saving it. I look forward to some free time in the next month or so to allocate those savings to retirement, emergency fund, and to a savings account with a much better interest rate than mine. I have a book I want to read soon about personal finances in your 20s. My friend also mentioned something called a CDA account so I want to look into that. Also financially related, I think my bank accounts and bills are too closely related to my parents and it's time for me to be more independent. I also want to get a credit card to build interest. I have a whole list of things, each thing requiring some research, but I can't wait to start tackling it.

New topic. I want to get more out of my comfort zone. When I decided I wanted to be a teacher, I found a ton of applications for jobs around America, but it kind of just narrowed down to the two cities I've lived in my whole life. In other words, where I'm most comfortable. But I feel I should do something abroad. I should reach English in China or something. I should travel. I'm going to end up in a city in comfortable in but tthis was a great opportunity to venture elsewhere. I've always wanted to live in Boston, but I didn't make that happen. So I'm thinking after I finish whatever program I end up in, I should try to do something for a year abroad. I want to live in Boston. I want to explore the US let alone the world. ahh I'm so young, but time will fly by quickly. I need to travel during my breaks and stuff. And for that I need money. I can't wait to start saving. There will be a retirement fund, an emergency fund, and a travel fund.

New topic. I recently became Friends with a new guy, and I realize I need more friends like him. You really become the people you surround yourself with. Its really easy for me to become friends with girls, but I realize I don't make enough of a conscious effort to be friends with guys. And this guy is super positive, and has the right mentality to life. If you've read The Slight Edge, he's part of the successful 5% group. And I need to surround myself with those people. For instance, we were playing a board game and he was playing justt to fuck around with everyone and have a good time instead of trying to win. It was infectious and soon all of us were dying laughing because we were just being stupid instead of seriously trying to win. I talk about traveling because he backpacked for 2 months and inspired me to have a great life experience. My friend described him as "I feel he's be down for anything" which is great. I notice there are people where everything seems to work out for them. Its not luck, it's a positive mindset that attracts all those positive things to them. Its a positive mindset that doesn't allow them to see the negative. I want to surround myself with more people like that so I can be more like that. I have found myself asking myself the last few years is that when I'm faced with a dexision, I ask, what would that person do. What would be the positive spin on that negative thing that just happened to thrm? Its a healthy mentality.

A reason I might be having these thoughts. I just realized that if I'm turning 23 and I get accepted to my top choice (4 year) teaching program, that makes me 27 before it's over. 27. I still feel like I'm a kid. I was just 19 a few years ago. Yet 27 is so grown up. I used to think I should get married at 28 lol. But this 4 year program makes 27 seem very close. For instance i associate going abroad as a early 20s thing to do. But if I can't go abroad until 27, maybe it won't make sense to do anymore. And I want to live in Boston at some point, when am I going to do that??

But there's a lot of counter arguments to that last paragraph. First of all, a big reason I stepped away from a career in medicine was so that I could live my life while working. I'm going to continue to improve myself evryday forward because I don't have to wait until I'm 28 to do that! As for going abroad, I can do that in the summers! I can always teach a year in china when I'm 27. I can always do awesome things in the summer -for instance I want to bike across America next summer. I totally can still do that. And who the fuck said I need to get married at 28? A younger version of myself said that. It would be cool to have kids young so I could be yoinjhg raising them, but if I stay healthy and fit, I'll get the same effect. Lol and I can always meet someone in the next few years haha

For the first time in my life I feel a sincere urgency to make the most of my youth. I've never felt that before. It made me sad for most the day as I was agitated with my friends, but after writing in this post, I feel a sense of clarity and motivation. I've created a genuine urgency to make the most of my life, but enough so that I will do something about it, but not too much so that I will feel stressed by it. This is good.

Those are my thoughts

 

My 110th Day

When I look back on the last month or so, id say they've been pretty positive. Even when things have gone wrong - I find I've been able to pick myself up and be positive.

Yet when I look at my past journal posts (not this journal but one in which I write a few lines a day for 5 years) I notice I say I'm lonely a lot. And I'm feeling quite lonely now. Yet for some reason, I don't let this be an overarching emotion. I don't use lonliness to describe my days. But I feel it a lot.

What I'm feeling in particular is a strong desire for touch. I want to hold the hands of someone I'm attracted to. I want to kiss her neck. No one in particular now, but I can tell I want that more so than usual. I've had cravings for p and m recently but I realize I don't want the dopamine. I don't want the orgasm. I really want the escape from this loneliness.

It kind of started with that girl I was crazy about who said she wasn't emotionally available. Prior to her, I was thinking that I don't want to be in any relationship. I wanted to maybe fool around, go on dates, but for the most part, I wanted to maintain my independence and stay single. But after meeting her, I totally wanted to be in a relationship with her. It was so worth it.

So now that I'm more open to being in a relationship, it stings that I don't have any prospects. For the last week or two, when I've been bored, I've craved pmo just because I want that touch. That intimate connection. And I don't have it now or in the immediate future.

I wish I could end more positively but I'm just feeling a bit bleak now.

 

I should try going out more often as I did that last summer but kind of stopped.

You're totally right. I knew from the get go that the fact that I asked her and tried is so much better than porn, than MO, and of course than not asking at all. And it's not like I fucked anything up. It went well! Just not the right timing. But the positive spin is that I did try. I realized that I do want a relationship with someone if the girl is awesome enough.

There are positives. Thanks for the encouragement, machin

 

My 114th Day

Thanks for that Ned. You're totally right that there are many of us who want to seize every moment! But it takes doing to do that!

Speaking of which I had two interviews this week. One on Wednesday and one for my top choice program today. And I feel I rocked both of them. Its a pretty great feeling and I'm excited for what my future hholds!

 

Yesterday I went to a party and there was this girl that was totally into me. Not super attractive but not unattractive. But giving all the signals. Our faces very close when we're talking. Plenty of touching. Whenevr id leave shed eventually come back. And I was interested at first but I just did not like her personality. So negative and kind of boring even though I could tell she was smart. So I didn't do anything. I probably could have kissed her, definitely could have gotten her phone number but I was being kinda picky. My gut was just telling me I didn't want this. So that was that....

 

Thanks. She wasn't nervous I could just tell she is a negative person in general (she even said so herself). And if she was remotely more interesting to talk to I would have totally went for it. A kiss would have been alright but I don't regret anything.

Your story about the married girl is really nice. I can imagine that happening, having a great convo and going for an innocent kiss in the moment. It sounds nice

 

My 115th Day

Went to a Fetty Wap concert today and had a great time. Grinded with two girls - one of them wouldn't even give me her number but the other was either really fucked up or super into me (or both). She was super touchy, grinding super hard, and guiding my hands to touch her boobs. I feel a bit childish talking about this lol (kiss and tell). We kissed a few times and she licked me a few times (wtf?). But she pulled out her phone and initiated asking for my number.

After the concert she texted me her address (without any context) which had me like whaaaat? Lol but apparently that was for the wrong person. However she seems into me. I just hope it's not a drunken thing. I said we should hangout this week, and get dinner or something and she responded positively but for all I know it's a drunken thing. She could feel different tomorrow morning. She's definitely DTF but my friend was telling me I shouldn't have asked for dinner because "she didn't go to a concert looking for a date". Idk.

Bleh I shouldn't have written this, I wasn't really thinking about it but now I'm over thinking it haha.

 

Bleh she didn't respond, definitely hard to follow through on these types of things because the girl wakes up probably feeling embarrassed for going so far that she only associates me for wanting to have sex. I shoulda been forward about meeting up with her last night while it was still "in the moment"

Bleh it was still a good time.

 

It's 5 am and I've been up since 3 because I can't fall back asleep for some reason. But I've had lots of thoughts.

First of all, that girl finally texted back but I doubt anything will happen. I'm really regretting not trying to pursue the same day I met her because she seemed down for anything when I was with her. But I'll try and we'll see where it goes.

And having this close opportunity had me thinking about lasting long. If I started dating someone that I was really into and after a few dates we had sex, I'd be totally comfortable telling her about NoFap and how won't be able to last more than 10 seconds the first time around. However, since I generally can last a reasonable time, this wouldn't be an issue after the first time. But if I'm in a one-night stand scenario, I realized I feel self-conscious about not being able to last long. Like how to I convince a person I just met that I actually can last long. Maybe my porn use is the reason I can last long!

On another note my roommate wants to watch Game of Thrones with me and she knows about NoFap. She was really surprised when I said I wasn't going to be watching it. "Because of the porn thing??" she asked. It had me going back and forth on whether I actually want to watch it. I have a lot of thoughts in my head about this, but I'm having trouble putting it in words right now.

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So, the big thing I want to say in this post, is that I'm considering masturbating without porn. I originally discussed this (a while ago) in this post. At the time of writing, I answered the question, "After NoFap, will you masturbate?", by saying "uncertain" but leaning towards no.

However, my POV has changed recently.

For one, I want to be able to last longer during sex. I don't want to feel self conscious when I have a chance with someone about not being able to last. This applies more so for a one-night stand type of situation rather than someone I like and have gone on dates with (because I would feel more open with the latter person).

Two, I was reading about Tantric sex and having multiple orgasms, and a lot of the practice seems to start with masturbating (and trying to have longer masturbation sessions to build stamina). This does seem like edging to me, but I don't know (I REALLY DON'T KNOW) the difference between edging with porn and edging without. How bad is the latter?? But I don't want to deprive myself of this experience because of NoFap.

Thirdly, I feel I'm depriving myself of so much by consistently refusing myself to orgasm without a partner, when I haven't had a partner in months.

Fourthly, when I tell people that I haven't masturbated since 2015, they see it as pretty extreme behavior (which I understand). From their perspective, which I can completely understand, it sounds like I'm doing something to counteract very negative behavior. But in this community, I don't feel like I'm on the worse end of the spectrum. I have never had any sexual issues (no ED, no DE, etc), and I never fantasized about porn to get an erection and I've never fantasized during sex. I am totally on board with quitting porn, because porn is what fucks with everything. But I don't know if I'm totally on board with quitting masturbation. I quit porn because I want a healthy lifestyle and I want to grow as much as possible. Porn completely retards that growth and my life is substantially better without it. However, I can't say MOing obstructs me from having a healthy lifestyle. I can't say my life is better without MOing. It might be better WITH MOing.

Fifthly, (and this is the most important) I don't have a personal reason for quitting masturbation. I wrote a long post about how to make NoFap personal, and that has been a crucial learning point in my recovery. To summarize that personal discovery:
I knew thousands of reasons porn was bad, but the reason I had relapsed a few times is because I hadn't come up with very personal reasons for wanting to quit porn. The biggest reason is written in blue in my signature. I realized that when I relapse, I don't feel guilty. In fact I don't feel anything negative. I generally just feel relief. Knowing that, it was hard to stay sober when I didn't really think there was a consequence of guilt. However, by making NoFap personal I discovered that I always go back to a spiral of overusing porn and within two weeks I feel like shit. So now, I've abstained from porn for a long time because I KNOW I will feel like shit if I relapse and I don't want that.

HOWEVER, I don't have this logic for quitting masturbation. Right now, I'm having trouble seeing why I should abstain from MO permanently. One argument might be that MOing might lead back to porn, but I don't know that for sure (in my experience, at least). Yes, MOing can lead to death grip and shit like that, but I've never had that issue (after PMOing for 10 years). And I have nothing against sperm retention and the sperm=life force philosophy, but it's not a reason for me.

If I knew that MOing definitely leads to porn use, then that would be reason enough for me. But I don't know that. And I don't think it too.

But right now, I feel like I'm just abstaining from MOing for the hell of it. I am totally on board with a porn free life. My belief that porn is destructive will not diminish. I do believe I made the right choice in abstaining from MOing to make my recovery as dramatic and full as possible. But now I feel I'm reaching a point of diminishing returns, where abstaining from MO is not bringing anything to my life anymore. And with several reasons (listed above) for wanting to MO, I feel the cons of abstaining match or outweigh the pros.

I'm in desperate need for feedback, so please share.

 

Thanks for your input Ned. The key is being able to MO in moderation - but that may be really difficult. I think I'll carefully track how it goes and note my energy levels. I also have to be aware of MOing just to shut down a craving for porn.

 

My 118th Day

So, I masturbated last night (without any porn). I fully explained my thought process in this post. I am striving to masturbate in moderation, while fully noting my energy levels, motivation levels, and mental clarity. So far today, I experience absolutely no drop in any of those. On the contrary, I had a pretty productive day!

More importantly, I GOT ACCEPTED TO MY TOP CHOICE TEACHING PROGRAM! It hasn't even hit me yet haha.

On a separate note: today at work, this girl I find pretty attractive started a conversation and talked about hanging out in the future. She asked to exchange numbers and asked what my plans were this weekend. We made iffy plans about going out this weekend (with other friends). I have no idea if her intentions are completely platonic, or if there's a possible interest. I'm not going to talk about this to anyone outside of this forum, because when I do it fucks with my head as I overthink everything.

But things are looking optimistic and positive now!