The more things change, the more they stay the same?

I haven't been very active on here lately because things have been going well, so well, in fact, that I've been able to focus more on things other than PA. I've been excelling at some personal and professional goals, and that has been SO good for me mentally! Things with my SO seemed to be going very well with all the work he's been doing -- until very recently.

Last week, he ogled a woman right in front of me but denied it to me -- and I think even to himself.

Two days later, he considered not going to his weekly SA group so he could go to his older daughter's school event (occurring on her mom's time, not ours). (Me: I understand it's hard to skip the event. You understand this situation better than anyone, and while I'll be upset if you don't go to group -- ESPECIALLY after the ogling 2 days ago and all the stress you've been having -- it's ultimately your decision.) He went to group but came home still struggling, wondering if he did the right thing. (Me: Recovery work is always the right thing. I'm not in a good space to hear you waffling or questioning that. I need to see you with conviction and dedication to your recovery work.)

Two nights ago, he still sounded like he didn't know if he did the right thing, still struggling with his decision, then stating there would be times he might not go to group if it conflicted with his kids' stuff when they're with their mom. Keep in mind, he chose the Tuesday night group BECAUSE it falls on the mom's time with the kids, and he can't just substitute another night when he misses group. I again stated I wasn't in a good space to hear him questioning his commitment to group (which he has repeatedly said is a very important reason for his successful recovery). I also said when I hear him talk like that, I sometimes wonder what I'm still doing here with him. That hit him hard, but it was the truth.

Yesterday evening, he came home from work acting odd. Monday is supposed to be our "date" night. I hugged him. I thought things might be sort of okay, but then things changed. He asked what I wanted for dinner. I suggested a pizza place nearby, and then the exact same behavior he exhibited the day as one of his relapses occurred. He said he wasn't really hungry for that, he'd eaten pizza for lunch. He seemed uninterested in food, then threw out the idea of a fast food salad (way out of character). I declined and said I'd just eat a bowl of cereal since it was getting late. He just sat there and watched me while I ate, staring but not talking. SO odd!! And EXACTLY like a day he relapsed!!! He had binged on an entire large pizza that day 6 months ago, the same day he watched porn, then he was uninterested in dinner and came with me to a restaurant and just watched me eat. I told him last night I was feeling very uncomfortable with how he was acting and that I'd get up and eat in another room. It feels so weird for him to just stare at me but not talk -- that's been a sign something is definitely off in the past. So, there it was, our "date" night, and I was eating a bowl of cereal while he sat and stared at me in awkward silence.

I woke up last night and couldn't sleep, moved to another room so as not to wake him up. My thoughts were spinning. What is he hiding? Did he look at pictures on his work computer? Is he lying again? Etc. He came to kiss me goodbye this morning as he went to work. I again asked him if anything had happened, and he denied it.

This is so hard. Something is definitely off. My intuition and body are screaming at me. I wish my body didn't have to pick up on everything. I was on top of the world, and now this. Things can change so quickly. Ugh!

 

Thanks, @Determined_to_Succeed. Yes, his lies have been uncountable, too. We've been through this too many times, and I almost left. He knows all too well and repeats all the time how addiction is the opposite of connection. He's done a lot of hard work on his addiction and was really seeming to "get it." This feels like it came kind of out of the blue, and hopefully I'm wrong about what I suspect -- but it is the exact same behavior as before, so I'm afraid he's hiding something. If he slipped and told me, at least we'd have something to work with, and I'd know he respects me enough to be honest. The LIES are the very WORST part of his addiction. Lies just keep us stuck. It's like there's this wedge between us, and without identifying why it's there, it will just get bigger.

Thanks, @Trappist. I'm acknowledging my feelings while trying to back off and focus on myself and let everything else fall into place. I didn't "get in his face" physically, but I did bare my feelings and reiterate how important it is for him to protect our relationship and not to allow what happened before to happen again (the LIES especially, the driving us apart, etc.) He said he wasn't in a good space to hear that right then. Hmm. :-/

Thanks, @kropo82. I hope so, too. That would be the best-case scenario in this situation for sure.

 

I'm well, thanks, @Roady, @TryingToHeal, and @Kenzi. Things are much better now.

 

Oh, yes. He is protecting me and our relationship fiercely, not only from porn, but also all the outside influences trying to drive us apart, including his family. He is standing up for himself, me, and us. Yay!! What a process to get here... Whew!

 

Oh, and in response to my original post, date night is the priority it should be now.