The loss of my Knees, a deep dark time, creating an inner self belief that I am transgender ...

Hello,
I'd like to start by describing to the best of my ability what my situation is.

I've always had a very strong sexual desire and need... Though I hadn't really considered it a problem. Until recently.

I used to run for ages, I loved running, it kept me focussed and alert while also creating a great mindset for me. I used to be really motivated and felt that my life amounted to something.

Then I finished high-school, and moved to a bigger city to go work. During that year, I shared a room with some gay guy the family knew for ages. I didn't exactly see myself as threatened. I got myself a job at a high-end jewellers and worked there for 12 months. But during the last 4 months, things started to change. I noticed that this New Room mate (shame I didn't have my own room), started to hit on me and he started to focus on my every movement. What I did right, what I did wrong etc.. and eventually asked me to tell him that I loved him as he would tell me. At first I thought it would ware off, as I spent most of my time at work it didn't matter too much, but then I started to get tired. And the intensity went up, and he didn't stop asking and pushing etc... I ended up feeling trapped, I didn't have enough cash to get my own appartment, (so I thought), I felt dependant on the situation and couldn't really get away, I didn't have my own space and felt that I was less and less powerful...

In the evening I'd go running, just as I had for years. At that point I was running about 1hr per day and I felt great, I was at the top of my performance too...

Then it all came crashing down.

At that point I considered myself as a heterosexual guy, and I'd been through a breakup with my Ex a year earlier which I was still not over for some reason.

Around the 11th month, I started to speak a little different, as if I was saturated and could only mumble a few words, as if my bandwidth was cut... In a sales job its kind of difficult when you walk up to a client and ask if "Do you want to buy?" ...

I came home that night, the room/flat mate had gone off for a Week or two, and I had the apartment to myself. Though I felt depleted. I felt as if I had no energy what so ever, I had trouble breathing, and found myself having the deepest of darkest thoughts.
Around that time, I found myself masterbating nearly daily. That wasn't so much of a problem. Though it probably did participate to the problem.

My beliefs were that I was weak, that I had no energy of my own, that I am not strong enough to make it without a man in the world, and that I couldn't stand my own ground or stand up at all in the face of a guy. I believed that I was the Karmic reincarnation of Hitler and that I was to suffer being dependant on a man for ever more. As I couldn't generate my own energy, nor could I generate my own finances.

And because I liked nice things, I remember distinctly that this guy told me that I'd need someone to take care of me, like a rich businessman/ Rich widow or something...

And with the culmination of all this, I ended up believing that I was transgender, a woman inside a mans body. That I was so little inside myself, and that I was so lacking in power that I had to be a woman to depend on a man financially, that I was to please men in order to get money. This was in 2014. This was a major burnout, leading to acute delirium. Which I then burst the bubble a few years later.

Though, in 2014-2015, I decided to go to law school in order to find my inner power, and cultivate my RIGHT to speak and have a voice. I ended up at the end of the year, making a coming out with students from the student
accommodation and ended up being in a state between Positive and negative. Positive, thinking I was Jesus and negative thinking I was Hitler, or the devil... Bear with me, I was in acute delirium and drifted between two bipolaric states for a while which was pretty scary... Anyways, I ended up wanting to get rid of the negative and chose the positive Jesus side, or the buddhist side which would eventually set me free from all this... by some miracle. So I got rid of all my Black possessions, which was my laptop, my north face bag, my diplomas, black-shoes, anything black... I ended up with only white Sweatpants and a white teeshirt with white plimsols.

At the end of the month, I ended up nearly jumping off the student accomodation 8th floor, believing that I would wakeup as a girl, and be freed from this negative body and karma. That I had to take a "Leap" of faith. Not to say, I ended up in a psychiatric institution for two months, drugged up over my head surrounded by a whole center of nuts. I believed that I was transgender, I kept it to myself, believing that they thought I was crazy. And also confessed the thoughts of inner image being Hitler and all the Karmic shit...

After 2 months I get out, and I come home. I find myself not being able to look anyone in the eye, hiding, because now I'm supposedly a Transgender, with a psychiatric record who jumps off 8th story buildings and who believes they're the reincarnation of Hitler and has to endure the Karma of hurting and killing all the 6m people...

Now I'm trying to Wean off the drugs and I'm also, fantasising about being a woman while masturbating. Which now makes my reality more and more difficult to live. Because at this point (Around September 2015) I'm starting to want to be a woman, and not want to be a man.

I start driving lessons, and endup not finishing my Driving lessons and nearly jumping off the roof of my house with the belief that, again if I take a leap of faith, I can wakeup as a woman, only to find that I've landed on the neighbours roof on the other side of the road in an elated and ecstatic "Limitless" Dive off a cliff kind of energy...

I then ended up in hospital again, this time for 2 weeks. Though I escaped after that. Taking my possessions to a big town, only to be mugged and have to figure out a way to contact my mum, tail between my legs, for her to get me a car home...

At that point, my sexual identity has shaped my idea about who I am.
I'm convinced for some reason. Because wan-king off is the only bliss I got with the state of self-image I had to deal with.

A few months later, I ended up going to Psychiatric hospital on my own to prove that I was sane and in fact just transgender. Which the physicians agreed with and then sent me on my way. I then found a psychiatrist who'd then prove and support my transition.
I spoke with him for about 3-4 months before then starting Hormonal therapy, with an endocrinologist.

Then I had about 18 months of peace. Antitestosterone had alleviated me from the intensity of the sexual drive and need for constant sex. I then went to work abroad, with a supply of about 12 months, and ended up coming home after my meds ran out, only to find that the hormones had wrecked my health. So I gave them up in Aug 18. But Boyy is my libido high... and my imagination/fantasy too... 3-4 times per day...

Though I find that I have no inspiration for writing and I don't get any work done. I spend my days between eating, wanking and reading a few books then resting..

It's a worthless life. I want my life back. Though I wakeup in the morning and first thing that happens is, my whole energy focusses on my femininity and my imagination goes kind of wild. I have a very sexual instagram page. Which turns me on as soon as I look at myself. I cant help but spend all my vital energy focussing on becoming some sort of sexual escort doing NOTHING!

This cannot continu. I used to play soccer In a major league in my country, I used to run 10-12 k per day, I used to have a constant mind, I used to be able to rely on myself.
Now I'm just some Sex Freak...



SEX... While in Dark times, I have found that the masturbation has given me peace from everything that I had been experiencing in my emotions (heart chakra) and mind (crown chakra).


I want to go back to wanting to be with a woman. I've never been with a guy, though I have attracted them. I'm trying to refocus and rewire my brain, but this whole sex thing pulls me toward some Desire that doesn't make my life any better apart from in that moment before blast off...

I'd wakeup in the morning with this intense creative energy which results as a wank, or if I don't I'll endup wanking sometime after I getup and have something that sets it off.

I end up hating myself. I want a normal life, I have lost all my friends and family for this shit. I don't want to be transgender, I can't even be trans anymore, and I don't want to be some transvestite, I want a part in society and I want to make a difference.

Now I'm some shy introvert, I used to be outgoing, had lots of contacts and acquaintances.


I can't just lie there at night desiring tits and a luxurious lifestyle. It doesn't make any rational sense. Unless I do porn. I mean I really have no one who really cares in my life, I may as well make money with all this crazy sexual stuff...

I vary between Wanting to be something in the morning, and the opposite often after wanking. I spend most of my time at home, isolated, in a tiny little village far a from everything, so work isn't the easiest to get...
Hence why I want to be an auto-entrepreneur. But being at home is hard for this whole sex thing...

When I go for walks, my knee's hurt, my organs are shot so I am eating really healthy, and tones of water. I can't go for runs anymore, because my right knee just hurts, I don't know if its runners knee or not. but I've become sedentary.

 

Hi, and thank you for your quick answer.

As well as I have maybe described it, I no longer have the duality of thoughts. Though the Sexual Dillema yes.
1. Grounding habits
2. Yes I am a man.
3. Thought Control. a. First observe thoughts in morning but don't take action on them; b. No indulging the Habitual thoughts. c. Create new Habit of thought by creating a new routine.
Conclusion = Change thoughts. Gotcha Thank you

 

Actually quite Rare. Instagram Bimbo Models and Russians with massive lips and tits don't help.. But I don't actually watch porn on youporn n stuff.. I do tend to imagine a lot though...

 

I Did when I was younger observe and watch Live jasmin, though I havn't been on that since at least 4-5 years

 

In a direct reply to the first part of your answer, I completely agree. With Retrospect, this was my mind trying to rationalise/ make sense of my Emotions. As I had felt shunned from the group in which I was going out with my Ex in highs school, the breakup was rough and my self image took a massive hit. Therefore I started to feel less and less confident on the outside of my home. (I Even result to this as I am now associating more with an introvert, I feel drained after a day of being in social stimuli. Compaired to being an extrovert where I'd feel stimulated.) In my understanding, the Duality of light aspects is good feelings, or morals and values which I uphold, and the negative the one's I cannot accept or frown upon or in which I have been exposed to accept from outside sources (Hence Why I don't trust in others/Group mentalities much anymore, as the group is always the conclusion of the lowest IQ in the group...) No matter what I could do, I could not win in that situation in high school, which ment that I decided to step away due to self defense and not wanting others to see me in a negative way.

Its funny because, in high school I identified as an extrovert, though I could clearly feel my energy dissipating as time and social immersion went on. Each summer I'd hide in my room or result to many (Anti-social/Introverted) ways to revamp myself. In retrospect me trying to be a social extrovert was also a part of the energy being drained... That and the sex aspect...


In regard to the Trauma resulting in the cause of Transexuality; I remember not feeling worthy of supporting a woman, because I could not generate enough money to support one in my life. And feeling like I had to become one in order to have femininity in my life. Though, there's always been a feminine aspect about me, or at least a more reserved and shy softer side which probably resulted in me deciding this with the addition of everything else.
Creating the woman in order to not be alone, like a child creating an imaginary friend in order to not feel alone. Though, in my situation it would be creating an alterego which was part of myself in order to never be abandoned by another woman, in order to never be alone, and in order to "Shine" in society ( I say shine, because the whole makeup artistes -mtf trans etc movement on youtube has generated a massive amount of cash, so to become a transgender makeup artist with the all that pzazz on youtube or social media was an idea to make money and be financially in power)...

"...Cerebrum to aid in problem solving." -> This is true, my whole mind had become a tool for me to understand my past emotional experience which I was still trying to let go of/understand/move past. Which probably resulted with me going to hospital. Having to figure that out, and not trusting anyone in the world to speak about everything that is going on inside one's head is a heavy burden to carry; for anyone.


And yes, I do agree completely, my masculinity is ever so fragile, specially with the rise of Women power, makeup power, glam power, and the rise of Hoe like personalities on social media. Men are not cashcows to be used as piggybanks for womens every woes... Just as men are not wrong to be the way they are. We are different from women in our way of being. We aren't complicated beings, most of us like a good simple life starting with some eggs and bacon and a good cup of tea in the morning... Its important I think for men to support each other in dealing with feelings and feeling reduced by the ever ambitious women of the world who carry Anger and attitude and Crush any adversary Callistenics Armagedon style...
At the end of the day we all want to be loved....

 

So Far so good except for the relationship part.


I've not touched myself since a Few Hours before posting this Article. So I'm on Day 2 so far so good.

I'm just going along with the information on Scott Jeffery's website about Sexual Energy Transmutation ( for some reason I can't put the link on this page).


As for sports, I can't run anymore, for some reason my knee has given up on me since 2014... But Other things like weight training etc seem good.


Though I must admit, I am keeping strong in will power. Just keeping myself hyper busy.

Though this morning I had a few thoughts in bed because I allowed myself to just lie in bed. That morning boner.. But I quickly turned around and tried to give it no thought.


Then I just got out of bed and started writing and creating a podcast. Which keeps me engaged in creation, thinking and I'm not focussing on anything.

Though I am concerned, as my mind has given me a few moments of NEGOCIATON today.

Earlier on before coming across the article by Scott jeffery, I ordered shiny tight stuff with latex n stuff. So its on its way via postal service..


While my rational mind is thinking about how I can get it sent back with no cost by refusing the parcels at the door, my Desire Impulse making brain down there starts to wonder about "how I could implement this in to my life. As I don't have to go out in to the world physically if I make money from behind the scenes as a moviemaker, I wouldn't be confronted and could do radio with my mans voice etc... "

So I'm just trying to keep one good consistent thought of sending the stuff back for refund and continuing with a seemingly more "boring life" even though stable. The problem is the High from associating SEX with being Transgender, receiving pleasure and putting makeup/whore like clothes on.

I'm a fucking mess


Though, simply by speaking about it, I'm hoping that it will keep me more engaged with sticking with my initial plan of giving up sex for a while, until I meet someone. Like that my whole Brain gets the time to be rewired, I get more energy from my chakras being in place (reference to what Scott jeffery's article), and then when I get that "Fire in my belly" I'll cultivate more willpower to focus on my auto entrepreneur situation; building money sources etC.


Also I have been off hormones since august, so, not having sex for about 18 months seems to be a bit of a thing. Coming back to a testosterone based life can get pretty sexually envious...


Though, I'm a fighter, I'll get through this. With your support and engagement

 

So Far so good except for the relationship part.


I've not touched myself since a Few Hours before posting this Article. So I'm on Day 2 so far so good.

I'm just going along with the information on Scott Jeffery's website about Sexual Energy Transmutation ( for some reason I can't put the link on this page).


As for sports, I can't run anymore, for some reason my knee has given up on me since 2014... But Other things like weight training etc seem good.


Though I must admit, I am keeping strong in will power. Just keeping myself hyper busy.

Though this morning I had a few thoughts in bed because I allowed myself to just lie in bed. That morning boner.. But I quickly turned around and tried to give it no thought.


Then I just got out of bed and started writing and creating a podcast. Which keeps me engaged in creation, thinking and I'm not focussing on anything.

Though I am concerned, as my mind has given me a few moments of NEGOCIATON today.

Earlier on before coming across the article by Scott jeffery, I ordered shiny tight stuff with latex n stuff. So its on its way via postal service..


While my rational mind is thinking about how I can get it sent back with no cost by refusing the parcels at the door, my Desire Impulse making brain down there starts to wonder about "how I could implement this in to my life. As I don't have to go out in to the world physically if I make money from behind the scenes as a moviemaker, I wouldn't be confronted and could do radio with my mans voice etc... "

So I'm just trying to keep one good consistent thought of sending the stuff back for refund and continuing with a seemingly more "boring life" even though stable. The problem is the High from associating SEX with being Transgender, receiving pleasure and putting makeup/promiscuous clothes on.

I'm a fucking mess


Though, simply by speaking about it, I'm hoping that it will keep me more engaged with sticking with my initial plan of giving up sex for a while, until I meet someone. Like that my whole Brain gets the time to be rewired, I get more energy from my chakras being in place (reference to what Scott jeffery's article), and then when I get that "Fire in my belly" I'll cultivate more willpower to focus on my auto entrepreneur situation; building money sources etC.


Also I have been off hormones since august, so, not having sex for about 18 months seems to be a bit of a thing. Coming back to a testosterone based life can get pretty sexually envious...


Though, I'm a fighter, I'll get through this. With your support and engagement

 

So What now, Do I just open up and speak when I have urges ? Or am I just doing my path on my own and thats that ? Because so far I've stopped since Friday. It's tuesday, what do I do with the fless between my legs? Theres only so many books, netflix series, cups of tea abs, pushups, things I can do before I think about it ... :/