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The link between addictions and emotions

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by properWood, May 12, 2019.

  1. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    Dear all,

    I recently joined the nofap community and I believe I may have some words that can prove helpful to some of you in your journey for a porn-free future. Bear with me, it's a longer post.

    I'm not criticizing the NoFap, nor the 90-day challenge, but I believe there's something a bit deeper than following a challenge. Lapsing does not come from boredom or from brain going nuts because of chemicals. Once the challenge is done, you'll be back with your previous behaviour, feeling happy that now you can challenge yourself any time and succeed. I tried it with smoking and drinking alcohol and failed miserably each time.

    An addiction to a substance (eg. alcohol) or to a behaviour (eg. masturbating to pornography) is a method of running away from painful emotions. We all felt crap after a situation, say arguing with mom and dad, or failing a class, or not getting the promotion or getting rejected by a girl, and then went to a pornography site or to the bottle of wine because the stress is too high; we humans associate very quickly a painful emotion with an escape exit; we just don't want to feel pain. Once you process some, many or (unlikely) all of the painful emotions, you start losing interest in the addictive substance or behaviour. I speak about it from experience, having quit smoking from one day to the next about 4 years ago, never touching them again, and recently opening a bottle of beer just to wonder why I opened it. Masturbation to pornography and a few other addictive behaviours are next.

    Some such painful emotions that one needs to process are feelings such as those of rejection, embarrassment, shame, jealousy. We all have them. But men are taught to keep them in themselves, be strong, don't be weak! Be like Joe Rogan! (sorry, I just think he's wrong on many topics) In fact, we're weakened by not allowing ourselves to feel and understand the emotions, keeping them inside us; they'll show up at the wrong time in one amazing way, anger: shouting at people we love, or harming ourselves.

    How to process the emotions: sit alone, in quietude, for 20-30 minutes and let your brain go to a thought. Be sure you will not be disturbed at all by anyone or by a gadget. No need to take the lotus pose or to focus on breathing, just sit; no music either. Let's say you were rejected by a girl you liked very much; let the brain go into that situation, when you realised you were rejected. Don't judge the girl, don't ask why is she doing this to you, don't look for a solution, for revenge. Just stay with the situation for a brief moment, stay with your dismay that she said no, that she had the courage to insult you that way, to reduce you to such a low state. Very soon your body will tense, you'll feel like gearing up, you'll feel your body getting hotter, your head going hotter, like blood is flowing faster through your veins. Stay with this feeling for as long as possible, but without thinking of whys and why-nots, just stay like that. Some will say the same, but with different words, like "go deep into the feeling", but I'll say let the feeling take over you. After about 1 minute, I'd say my worst case was 3 minutes, the hotness of your body will go away; it will feel like a much longer time has passed. You have processed the emotion you associated with that particular event. After 3-5 days of such emotional processing, you'll notice that some of your addictive behaviours are not as strong as before. Don't choose what to focus on, just let your mind decide the event, the emotion. Sometimes will be your parents, sometimes your teacher, boss, the bus driver, the idiot that didn't give you priority etc.

    I recently had a huge argument with a good friend for which I started to have feelings. For a few weeks we kept arguing and one day she rejected me and started to avoid me; I felt insulted, lied to, I was furious! She kept criticising me. Then, to add to the problem, she decided to end all communication and to show me that she has a new friend and she's happier. Oh, the jealousy, the bitterness, the feeling of rejection and how much anger I had towards her. I couldn't even go through the day without losing my temper at work with my colleagues. I was fuming all the time, I lost weight.

    It so happens that while we were discussing or arguing in the past, we were doing it over a glass of wine and dinner, so I believe my mind associated the relief of the pain with alcohol: drink more to numb the pain. I would then go home and masturbate to porn, to numb myself even more, so that I can forget and fall asleep; another association. I couldn't possibly let myself not be angry, I was right, but I was unhappy. I noticed that I'd rather be right than be happy (are you in the same situation?). But I couldn't face the truth, that I didn't want to let go of the emotion. I was a man, not a wimp, I had to be strong not weak. So I was turning to the bottle and pornography, to escape the pain, in my private time. Facing the emotion was like facing death, the end of me; I felt that if I let myself feel what I was feeling I was truly and literally going to die.

    But over the course of two weeks, after gently and slowly processing each emotion of each situation I felt towards this gal, I became less angry, less frustrated. A few days ago I opened a bottle of beer and I wonder why I opened it; I didn't feel like drinking. Since then, I did not drink a drop of alcohol. Also my pornography consumption has gone down dramatically.

    I hope some of you will benefit from this, too, in your quest :) Good luck!
     
  2. Sinbad

    Sinbad Fapstronaut

    I always hate it when my mind keeps grinding out past events. Sometimes for hours on end. Like geez, let it go already.

    I'll try designating a specific time for such emotional processing like you suggest. Thanks.
     
  3. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    Seriously? Did you try that or are just assuming it will happen?
     

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