The Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by misato-katsuragi, Feb 26, 2019.

  1. misato-katsuragi

    misato-katsuragi Fapstronaut

    I guess my introductory thread was already created here: Finally admitting that I have a problem

    I guess this can be my first actual journal entry then:

    Today is the second day since I've consciously made the decision to stop looking at porn and masturbate, I'm going for the 90 days mark, and then try to reassess about PIED symptoms to see how am I progressing. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but it's a goal, so I really do intend to reach it! However let me know if i'm doing this wrong.

    I've noticed that I do have urges, and it's only day two!

    I had to stay alone at home for a bit, and I noticed that my brain was shouting for "go to the computer and open that tab really quick", or "just take a peek, it doesn't hurt".

    Even when I was walking home, before I was actually alone, I noticed that my brain was already preparing for and thinking of porn.

    I was able to resist those urges by focusing on my skin care. yeah... not really the most traditional thing to do, but it's time consuming and I have to focus on it, so it kinda distracts me, plus I get to kill two birds with one stone.
     
  2. Jerry120

    Jerry120 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing bud. We hope to see now of your journal!
     
    misato-katsuragi likes this.
  3. misato-katsuragi

    misato-katsuragi Fapstronaut

    Day 3, my counter just says two right now, but I'm guessing it's mostly a hour thing.

    Usually this is the day where I fail to keep out of porn and masturbation in my previous attempts. The difference is that my previous attempts were pretty much half-assed attempts that not even me really believe in them. Which makes this day a bit different! I know that I wont look at porn nor masturbate today, and I know that for sure!

    I took a few minutes to configure my work computer to use it's own DNS proxy/cache server and configured it to use a clean browsing DNS resolver. That means that I won't be tempted to open weird tabs during work hours since if I do, most adult websites wont open, this is just a fail-safe mechanism that I hope that I wont need it.

    During the day I noticed that I every once in a while I would open an incognito tab, just out of habit, without even thinking about it.
    Luckily for me, I just closed them, but I'm really surprised by the amount of times that I did this, I need to create some new habits to avoid this behavior.

    Not much to report today really, I'm starting to feel bigger urges than normal but I'm also aware of them and have been able to avoid acting on them.
     
  4. Jerry120

    Jerry120 Fapstronaut

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    Stay strong bud!
     
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  5. misato-katsuragi

    misato-katsuragi Fapstronaut

    Alright, day 4 (kinda, I'm writing this a lot earlier than usual)

    No urges today! And it was actually a day quite productive. I'm also way more tired than normal since I've not been able to sleep much (nothing related to PM).

    Unless something really big happens, I'm sure I will be able to handle this day too! I'm sure harder days will come in the near future, so I just have to appreciate days like today! :D
     
  6. Jerry120

    Jerry120 Fapstronaut

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    Hungry Angry Lonely Tired HALT. These are your most vulnerable times.
     
  7. misato-katsuragi

    misato-katsuragi Fapstronaut

    Great timing, I just noticed that, got into an argument with my wife and the angry/lonely feeling afterwards was really hard.
    Still on a streak, but my previous post was clearly written too soon!

    I still plan to keep on going, I really want to fix this.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2019
    Jerry120 likes this.
  8. Jerry120

    Jerry120 Fapstronaut

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    Remember your wife will play a key role in your recovery. The overall onus for the recovery will be in you and your will to change will be the guiding light. But in order to successfully replace your dependency on porn, you will need to find a suitable healthy replacement. Loving your wife in a healthy manner is a great replacement for PMO.
     
  9. misato-katsuragi

    misato-katsuragi Fapstronaut

    In terms of PMO everything is fine, I'm handling it great so far, but about everything else, the future is grim and dark.

    So, I didn't post anything yesterday. Yesterday was probably one of the hardest days of my life with multiple anxiety attacks and despair.
    I finally had "the" talk with my wife, about where we're standing on our marriage, and she clearly no longer believes in our marriage and needs time alone.

    She also finally figured out why our sex life was so disappointing, and it all started even before we were married:
    During one of the our sex sessions, I asked her to do something to make me orgasm, since simple penis-in-vagina clearly didn't make me orgasm.
    That simple question, and the fact that she attended the request caused her to no longer be physically attracted to me. She didn't recognize this problem until very recently (almost 8 year later), and she now believes that this lack of physical attraction that lead us to have such poor sexual life, has no solution.

    So, I guess this confirms that PMO is in fact the root of my problems, and it already ruined my marriage and my connection to the only person that I care about in this world.

    I dont think my marriage will survive long enough to benefit from my attempt to fix my problem, but at the very least I believe that I deserve to be free of this addiction, to become a better person and be happy in the future.

    Today is going to be really hard, is weekend which means that there's more free time. I've been trying to keep myself busy and I will keep trying to stay busy until the end of the day.
     
  10. luke132

    luke132 Fapstronaut

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    Well done for having the conversation. You're moving forward which whilst painful in the interim is always beneficial in the long-term.

    What did you ask her to do which made her no longer satisfied with sex? Are you sure this is the only reason? Have you been attentive in other areas?
     
  11. misato-katsuragi

    misato-katsuragi Fapstronaut

    This talk was not about PMO, I haven't mention that yet, and at this point, the marriage wont last long enough to mention it anyway.
    Other areas have been unsatisfactory for both parties, but those can be fixed.

    But being able to fix physical attraction? That's just hard. She just realized that she's not physically attracted to me.

    Also, Im fighting the urges to masturbate since my brain keeps telling me that will fix everything! Obviously it wont, and it will only make things worse.

    I had no idea that my marriage was so on the line when I decided to do the NoFap. But Im still confident that I will be able to reboot! I really want to fix this!
     
  12. misato-katsuragi

    misato-katsuragi Fapstronaut

    Today is my seventh day with porn nor masturbation (my timer is always some hours off).

    In any other week this would be really hard to achieve. However, this particular week was a very eventful week with too many feelings, anxiety attacks and weird talks with my wife. In none of this talks I've mentioned my PMO problem, apart from, "I'm trying to fix the reason why I dont orgasm", which even if I fix that, it wont fix my marriage at all, so we didn't discuss any details.

    Today has been particularly complicated since I usually have a lot of dead time, I've gone for a run (was able to run 3 Km non stop of a total of 4km, which is not much, but for me is awesome), I've helped to clean up the house and I'm trying to keep busy during this afternoon by doing some work.

    I'm confident that I wont fail today, and I'm really looking forward for a second week without PM.
     
  13. Jerry120

    Jerry120 Fapstronaut

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    Stay strong bud! Stay strong!
     
  14. misato-katsuragi

    misato-katsuragi Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your support! Knowing that you're there has been helping a lot!

    Day 8:

    I've noticed that I'm having sex thoughts every once in a while, not necessarily pornographic images, but at random times and places, per example: I'm walking down the street when I see a lady, and it just pops in my head the fantasy of having sex with that lady. Luckily, I guess, these thoughts don't last long enough for me to have an erection at an inconvenient moment.

    I've been able to handle these, and I guess they are normal (?) but it was not expecting them!
    I hope this stops at some point.

    I now feel some anxiety about masturbation, I really want to do it, as if there's something inside me that I have to get out. Now that I think about... this feeling has been building up for the last couple days, but I was so concerned about my marriage's problems that I didn't pay much attention to it.

    There's also something telling me, that because I haven't masturbated for so long, that the orgasm is going to be huge and worth it.
    I know it wont, this feeling always disappears after I orgasm, and I always end up disappointed in myself for wasting a streak. This time that won't happen.

    If you have any tips on how to subside this particular feelings, let me know.
     
  15. TheRIghtChoise

    TheRIghtChoise Fapstronaut

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    Hey man. Can I just point out the contradiction in this? You are not attempting to fix a 'problem' but you are trying to fix your marriage. You are already fighting right now.

    My advice for you at this time is : Involve your wife. Sit down with her, tell her you really want to work on your marriage and that you are now fighting a problem that you didnt know was such a problem. You want this filth out of your head and out of your marriage. Ask her patience and dont let her make a big decision untill after a few months, when you put some distance between yourself and the addiction. If she doesnt like the person you feel like you CAN be, then she can make her decision.

    And then it's on you. Your marriage on the line. DOn't relapse ever again . ANd dont bother her with urges and pain. Deal with it alone. ( how would you like it if your wife goes on like ' I really want to see some penises today')

    Keep strong man. On the very least do this journey for YOU.
     
  16. misato-katsuragi

    misato-katsuragi Fapstronaut

    I appreciate the thought, but you need to realize that I've NEVER had an orgasm with sex all my life. I believe that I can fix this problem, but I seriously doubt it will take a few months.

    Besides, there's also the impact that she's no longer physically attracted to me, she hasn't been for 6 years! That won't suddenly change.

    I really believe that you would be right if this was a recent problem, but is something that has been dragging for years and damaged a lot of other areas in our marriage.
     
  17. Jerry120

    Jerry120 Fapstronaut

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    The issue of imagining sexual situations with strangers is due to sexual conditioning of P. Basically P has affected our thinking so badly that we equate a beautiful woman with a sexual opportunity. Of course, all humans do fantasize from time to time but to address every interaction in sexual terms is not desirable. For example, say you go to a dance one evening, it would be very frustrating to imagine having sex with every woman you see. You should have the ability to dance with someone and just.....dance with someone.

    So stick with the program and over time the urge to think of every interaction in sexual terms will diminish. This will take time though.

    With regard to M, you will simply have to follow some strict rules like no touching your private areas. Do not touch yourself except when you need to for hygienic reasons. Absolutely no stroking! Implement personal rules like no gripping. This is hard and we all understand but you have to address it.

    Keep it going man!
     
  18. Jerry120

    Jerry120 Fapstronaut

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    Another issues would be to achieve O, you may have to be PMO and O free for a while. Complete sexual abstinence should be a part of your recovery if your system has been deeply impacted.
     
  19. misato-katsuragi

    misato-katsuragi Fapstronaut

    I've noticed that I wake up already gripping my penis, not masturbating or anything, just plain gripping (something not usual). Could this be a problem or is it alright?

    Im pretty sure that won't be a problem, due to the state of my current marriage.
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2019
  20. Jerry120

    Jerry120 Fapstronaut

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    Try to avoid gripping your penis. Try to use a pillow to hug at night. That way you're less likely to touch yourself. To stop touching yourself 100% may not be possible as it is natural impulse to touch yourself once you feel sensation or a buildup. But stay strong and be determined to change.
     
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