The isolation trigger

Hey everyone,
It feels good to be back here, sharing this community with you dedicated people.
I want to talk a little bit about isolation and how it can be a big trigger (at least for me) to PMO. Id also like to make a distinction between isolation and aloneness (which I see as an inherently healthy state).

The reason Im writing this post is because I recently moved into a detached studio apartment by myself, in a new area where I didnt really know anyone and felt an overwhelming return of urges. So much so that I PMO'd more frequently than id ever done before. I believe this happened because I felt a complete disconnect from the tribe consciousness. Feeling isolated is so common in our western society and there is lots of research that links isolation with health problems and poor life expectancy (link). We need a healthy social life for our wellbeing and without it we can sink into depressive thoughts and tendencies, including habitual negative patterns, like porn use. Ive seen this over and over again like when I get bored, at home by myself the temptation to PMO is huge but if I spend time with friends or family or go to a social environment(even if I dont know anyone) these urges drop almost instantly.

The challenge many of us face is that we've been programming ourselves, often for years to engage in isolating activities like watching porn by ourselves which carries with it alot of shame. This makes us feel more anxious in social situations which is the very thing we need to get back to balance again. So in order to change we have to face some of that anxiety and step out into more social engagement, in the real world. It won't be easy at first and we might need to build some inner resources to help us gain the courage needed (I use a positive mantra and breathing techniques that reduces my anxiety).

I believe that having a regular, healthy dose of social interaction is one of the keys for overcoming this habit and aim to develop it.

The other thing was 'aloneness'. Spending time alone can be a great pleasure. It helps us to connect more deeply with ourselves, our dreams etc. It is necessary for any kind of spiritual growth and personal development. Aloneness helps us re-fill the well of our spirits so that we can go back out into the world and do our thing more fully. So both is needed. Time alone and time with others but we need to stop isolating ourselves from the rest of the world by believing that we're unworthy or shameful creatures. We are human beings on a grand quest to reclaim our power from negative patterns that have robbed us of our life forces. Together, one step at a time we will kick this habit.

Best wishes to you all x

 

Some very interesting discussion going on here and I'm glad of your input. Id like to respond to a few things that have been said.

dev-abc "I'm not certain why viewing P should make people feel socially anxious in a wider context."

I dont know how real the link is between social anxiety and excessive porn use but I remember reading this article and finding the connection interesting. Speaking from personal experience I know that Ive found it much easier to stay at home and watch porn than go out to social settings and meet people, take risks etc and as such this could have amplified the anxiety I felt/feel in such situations. There is an adage "that which we avoid grows stronger" or something similar.

I also believe that there are two kinds of shame. Natural shame which arises within ourselves when we know that what we're doing is out of integrity for us. This is the kind of shame that is part driving me to change this habit as I know that the PMO behaviour doesnt fit with who I wish to be. The other form is toxic shame which is when we've been made to feel guilty about ourselves by other people in the past and we have ingested that guilt to believe we're bad people. I dont think this is healthy for anyone.

AlltheRageBackHome - Thanks for sharing your views. I have to say that I have never heard anyone express that belief so strongly before. All I can share is my own response to it. It feels to me that to equate another person as being the other half of your soul could be quite dis-empowering. If I were to believe that I needed to meet my soul mate in order to be happy, fulfilled and not feel disconnected from humanity then id probably go to bed crying every night until I met her/him. I do however believe that we meet people on the path of life who can be considered soul mates where there is a unique bond that defies logic. Ive certainly met some of those but I would never give credence to there being only one such person in the world. That's not to say im right. This world is an incredibly complex place. However, all spiritual teachers through the ages have said that "we are all one". If this is true (which I believe it to be) then everyone I meet has the potential to be a brother or sister, a soul mate and that we are all one big human community.

"So, now you can see that it's actually the un dealt with and unhealed emotional issues which causes us to use external things like PMO to escape the painful emotions, instead of facing them and dealing with them."

I completely agree with this being a big factor, perhaps the main factor in why we PMO and engage in other unhealthy habits. However my personal experience has shown me over and over that isolating myself in other ways is also a Big trigger and that as men, we are particularly good at avoiding real connection and intimacy.