The girl is not your savior

I'm a romantic at heart. It's not just cultural influences, I honestly think it must be part of my brain's structure. Deep down to my bones there's this powerful, transcendent force, the kind that spurs great tragic novels. But there was a moment of realisation for me that I think everyone feeling lonely (especially deeply emotional or introspective guys) need to have. It's not about love being an illusion, there's no bitterness like that to be had here. It's about your fantasies and your self-image.

Consider a typical romantic film plot. Whether the film takes the perspective of the man or the woman, the boy or the girl, they are often shown as insecure, incomplete in some way. The love interest is almost sparkling in their allure, the physical embodiment of the green grass on the other side of the fence made accessible to appeal to latent escapism in the viewer's psyche. A unique and impossible guy/girl. A savior. Someone who despite being so incredible, loves the protagonist and acts as almost a lifebuoy: they make everything okay.

Romantic love makes a lot of things wonderful. It's a beautiful thing. But have you ever found yourself fantasising about a perfect girl, mysterious in her allure, a person that will make everything alright? This is a central myth in our culture: salvation through true love. Please don't misconstrue where I'm going with this: "but MK, you're just saying relationships are pointless and will never make you happy!" I promise, I'm not. Relationships can be an integral portion of a fulfilling life for many people. What I'm saying is don't fantasise about being rescued from your problems by some girl. Flip the script: would you want to date a girl that viewed you as her personal lifeboat in her less-than-happy life? Admittedly a reflex response may be "yeah!", brought on by egoistic visions of being worshipped. But I'm telling you: you want a relationship with someone who's your equal, not more or less. As Clementine says in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: "too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a f'ed-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."

Here's the thing: other people enrich your life. But only you can fix it. Other people can compliment you. But it won't mean a thing until you change your thoughts and develop your self-esteem. Love is wonderful, fantastic, ecstatic. But the specific Jesus-girl you're imagining is made-up, and you're offloading all responsibility for changing yourself or finding well-being onto her. You think you're going to find that one girl and she's going to fix everything. But put yourself in her shoes. Is that something you'd want to do? Cater to someone's poor self-image? Be their rescuer? That is anything but a healthy relationship.

You don't have to be perfect to be in love. That's impossible. But how much better would it be to be a reasonable guy, happy and comfortable with yourself and your life, healthy and motivated when you meet this girl? Wouldn't that be so much better?

I know the discomfort this idea can cause. At one time I was feeling incredibly lonely, depressed and misunderstood. My light in the darkness was this imaginary girl called Alice. We'd meet on the balcony of a party, the moon a great wax sculpture in a crystal sky and she'd understand all my awful, awful depressing parts and she'd whisk me away to somewhere more whole and pure. She'd make everything okay.

I guess I realised that I was lying to myself. I was never going to meet a girl in the state I was in. And I couldn't expect someone else to shoulder the entire burden of my happiness and fulfillment. I can tell you, you never find a girl when you're desperately hoping for one. Love finds you when you're busy living your life.

I guess I stopped Alice, took the torch off her and said "screw this. I'm my own light in the darkness."

There's no doubt in my mind that every single one of you reading this is capable of creating a fulfilled, happy life, free of insecurity, loneliness and porn. And you don't need anyone else to save you. You're the warrior, rescuing yourself, improving, creating the life you want. And when you get there? Your relationships are going to be better than your distorted, "perfect" fantasies. Because sure there are flaws and bad times. Sure there are no savior-princesses in white armor, and no girl is perfect anyway. But it will be real. And those are the best relationships of all.

You can make it.
-MK

 

@Barej NoFap will certainly help you my friend. If I could give you any tips to calm any sense of being desperate, I'd say:
- start taking to girls. At the supermarket. On the street. At parties. Get on tinder. There's a lot of good content on the internet for helping you perfect this art, but it will help you raise that rather than a scarcity of women there's an abundance. This sounds scary but it's one of the best things you can do.
- meditate. This helps you separate yourself from those negative or desperate thoughts and gives you greater clarity and perspective.
- cognitive behavioral changes! This is important. Your reality is entirely defined by patterns of perception, thought and behavior. You have to start noticing when your mind starts going "there's no-one for me, I'm not good enough for a girl, I'm in a barren desert, I'm so bad" anything like that, you need to correct it. Because it's not reflective of reality. In fact, those negative patterns are the only things perpetuating scarcity!
Plus a little added testosterone from NoFap can't hurt either!
Good luck my friend, I know you can do it.