The first direct question from my wife...

It is best to FULLY disclose everything at once. A little at a time is far worse—death by a thousand cuts as one SO says.

If you want to be honest, be honest. Be prepared for anger, hate, crying, harsh words, pain and worse.

Most women prefer honesty to protection, especially when that protection is simply hiding the truth.

She asked you a direct question about your addiction. She realizes your answer could be “Yes.”

And I do not mean to sound ruthless or cold, but the fact is: you crushed her the moment you started meeting other people for sex.

Now is the time to be honest. Don’t lie, don’t hide things, don’t tell half truths. Be open, honest, calm and as gentle as you can.

It’s going to be the hardest thing you’ve done. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to be uncomfortable, surreal and unbearable. But you have to do it. In person, not through email. In private.

I’m hoping for the best for you.

 

This! That is the reality and the consequences of the choices made. it’s only adding insult to injury if you hide, minimize or try to soften the blow with limiting the information, that just makes it so much worse and insulting to most of us.



The answer is yes,
“This will hurt and you will be angry but if you want to know I’ll be honest and answer your questions”

You let her lead and tell you what details she wants to know but set the expectation it’s going to be hard and upsetting.

 

Or she already knows (with or without proof). I have asked direct questions knowing the truth just to test how honest my was being with me.

 

While it's only advice and we're not the ones facing the real situation (though we may have or will), I believe revealing the truth has to be beneficial to some degree.
- Keeping something to yourself will burden your efforts to get out of it and potentially hurt further discoveries she could make on her own.
- Sharing it can be seen for what it is, a real act of opening up to a difficulty you're going through and want to leave behind for good, WITH HER.
- Whichever the conclusion of this, you would have made a tremendous effort to get this out in plain sight, and in my experience it's a mandatory act for whoever wants to get rid of those sexual patterns

I believe (once again it may be easier said than done) that this way you're only showing that you messed up and that you're willing to be honest about it, and that there's something that can be done, that you believe in, and she can hardly argue with that. Of course her reaction can very well be "Ok I can't do this", but at least both of you know what's happening.

 

I'll just make it simple Honesty is the best policy

 

While lying would be harmful, it may not be very helpful or kind to burden her with the details. You might try something like admitting you’ve done things that you regret and with her support are committed to understanding what drove your behavior and how to improve it. She may agree to focus on the underlying issues and improving your relationship without burning ugly images into her memory. If not, at least you’re preparing her that she’s not going to like your honest answers if she pushes for more.

 

Yeah, maybe reduce the number of people you cheated with to a small number...hide any such evidence of more people. Also when you do tell her. Like send the kids somewhere and fill up the whole house with 1,000 roses, 100 i love you letter with pics, 10 boxes of chocolate and 1 new pet if she likes any. Cry to her and ask her to keep you accountable you want to stop this madness and you love her and the marriage you have with her, you so so so so so so so so MUUUCH MUUCH MUUUCH regret it and want to fix up asap with an iron will.

Haha, dont know what to do in such situations, sounds tough, but tougher yet is living in darkness or hell. So take action today so you will have a tomorrow. Beat of luck .

 

Have you asked your therapist about this? I guess there is no "correct" way of doing this, writing vs talking face to face, both have their strengths and weaknesses. I hope that this will bring some form of catharsis for you, once this is all out. It sounds cliche, but time changes everything. Keep having courage and face each day as it comes.

 

Great that you didn’t go into numbers and details that could just make it worse for her. Could you read it to her and then burn it as a symbol of ending that part of your life. I’m concerned that giving her a written summary will come back to haunt you both over and over. And can you imagine if somebody else found it?

 

There is so much I need to know to answer this question.

My SO will never all me such a question. I often tell her pretty much everything. If I am embarrassed to tell her something I leave lots of hints and usually she doesn't ask. In worst case if I do something and I don't want to tell her, I say "I am doing something you don't even want to know". She hasn't demanded. I was pretty much like this with my mom as well while growing up.

The point is, it all depends the values you both agreed I your relationship.

 

Tough, situation.
I think at this point she knows the answer is yes:
You could say something to the extent: "Yes i am embaressed and full of regret for actionss I have taken as I dove deeper into my addiction, the question to you [her] is if this is something you [she]can accept. I want to move past this and feel (maybe with support of your therapist) it is best for me to put these actions behind me and not explore them any further." You should probably discuss with her if she wants to continue how you can regain her trust and take actions to show her you want to continually work on and improve the relationship.
Idk to me it seems to qualify as a full admission,but she can from that speculate optimistically.
I dont feel there is a requirement to unload all your baggage to her as long as you can accept and forgive yourself. Many people have a lot of pain in their life, if its not carried as baggage there is not reason to pass this burden to someone else. I hope that makes sense.

 

I would consider the disclosure with the presence of a marriage counselor. And disclose my reboot, and my intention for doing the reboot (Like what @Progress628 said above). AND most importantly I would be mindful that she will probably never trust me again.

 

I am curious to what extent people should be open with their SOs if there is expected any privacy between eachother...had a situation this past VDay with the gal when she askked: whats my number, jokingly, as it was a topic of a show...then replied, sinically, I probably dont want to know. I told her you can either accept that Ive slept with other women or not, it wont change the fact and I really dont appreciate the inference that I am somewhat in the wrong. She Im sure would be pleasantly surprised about my number, but I didnt appreciate the valuation she put on this. One can't change the past eitherway, so focus on what you basics of what is acceptable or not and move on

 

I agree confirming what you’ve done in the past may do more harm than good. Her legitimate concern though is how will she know whether you’ve really stopped. Maybe instead of focusing on the past you could give her a list of ways that she can verify your progress. Access to your phone, messages, schedule, credit cards... whatever would make it really hard for you to relapse without her knowing.

 

This, is an incredibly courageous thing to do.
You have chosen, to be honest rather than lie. That, is already a change. I really wish you goodluck!

 

I would answer all of her questions with what you feel is the right answer and truthfully - remember you both have to live with your response so choose your words carefully. I am by no means saying to hide the truth or say something that will lessen the blow. Also, if she doesn't ask the question then it is up to you whether or not you want to disclose more information. If you do want to disclose more then you may want to have a third party person there such as a therapist or marriage counselor. You would both benefit from it and the third party person would get both takes on your response.

Also, I agree with Digger on focusing on the future if she is willing to work out your marriage moving forward. Giving her access to everything (computer, phone, messages, schedule, credit cards, etc..) will help you both out in the long run.

We are here for you!
Good luck!

 

I would *not* do this in an email. Who knows where that can end up, especially if she can't stand what's in it.

But otherwise, yes, be honest about everything. If you hold back in your initial disclosure, and proceed to have no more bad actions for years - and then she finds out something you held back now, it actually negates (in her mind, which is the only place it counts) much or all of your good works since your initial disclosure. There are a ton of threads where the wives say exactly that. Because it's not just actions, it is the rebuilding of trust.

Search on "staggered disclosure" (with the quotes) for examples.