The final straw -

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kitty lover, Feb 24, 2019.

  1. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

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    This is my first post - feeling hopeless and desperate.

    Sorry for the novel...

    After 3 years together, a few months ago I discovered my 28yo SO has a porn/masturbating addiction.

    He's in the military & I am a flight attendant- our jobs and long stints apart have probably been a huge contributor.

    There were always red flags of uncontrollable looking at other women, lack of interest in sex with me, ED , socially awkward with women- all the usual suspects.

    So there was almost relief amongst the pain when he admitted there was a problem the first time 3 months ago. I had answers.

    My esteem took a huge blow - a problem I'm aware is my own. I am often told I am very attractive , however not getting any sexual gratification from my SO was really wearing me down.

    He saw a counsellor, I saw a therapist to help with my shattered confidence. He promised to stop, or come to me if he struggled again.

    He didn't.
    Last week I discovered after using his ipad that he had a porn binge one weekend last month while I was away.

    Throughout the week he reluctantly drip fed me more information which eventually revealed that he had replaced his porn addiction with social media images, girl's in lingerie etc and masturbating alot to this while I was away working.

    The final straw yesterday morning was him admitting he had masturbated to images of our friends on Facebook . Unfortunately for me, I had seen his recent searches and photo views not so long ago. So immediately knew who- and feel crushed that they are people he spends time with.

    I told him to leave.
    I couldn't face him and believe he needs to be on his own while he sorts himself out.

    Angry, jealous, sad, inadequate, disgust, betrayed- just a few of the emotions I'm feeling on this rollercoaster and I'm sure all SO can relate to these feelings.

    His willingness to get serious help is definitely giving me hope. He's joined this page, got therapy this week, accountability partner and agreed to abstain competely from pmo. He's rebooting.

    My fears that he's doing these things, and apologetic because " hes been caught " are giving me a hard time.
    If on both occasions, I hadn't of intervened he would still be at large ( so to speak).

    Am I right not to trust he will come to me next time?
    Has any one else experienced their SO masturbating to 'real people '?
    Is it because he has feelings for them?
    Is it even forgivable?

    Will he stop perving at other women after he reboots ?

    I have alot to work through with my own confidence and breathing space right now is best for the both of us.

    I hope with time I feel comfortable enough to move forward.

    Its good to be a part of something where people can relate to my problem- my good friends want to help me but struggle to understand.
    Thanks
     
  2. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

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    Hi GhostWriter,
    Wow!
    I cannot thank you enough for your detailed and informative reply. All of your replies are things I want to hear, don't want to hear - but most importantly need to hear, especially from an unbiased source.

    So the situation currently is that I have asked SO to leave for a while.

    By leave- he is staying at his parents empty house for an unspecified time. He knows I'm too upset to be around him at the moment and need some space to think things through . We are both miserable apart- but I think this feeling of misery right now is going to be a huge motivation for his recovery.

    Yes he is now on here- he posted earlier today.


    Yes I entirely agree, and we have both put ideas together to help with his addiction.
    We will sit down and discuss clear boundaries and consequences.
    His idea to reboot, abstain from pmo and sex initially.

    To be honest this is all very new, and no- I don't understand all of it. But I am here and trying my best to!

    Yes I do very much. Deep down I know we will get through this- its going to be very hard for us both. My emotions are speaking more volumes than rational thought in the past few days- but no doubt I'll deal with them how I need to.

    I truly do believe we are just two nice people, in love, who have this horrible mountain to climb together before we can live at the top.
     
    ItsNeverTooLate likes this.
  3. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

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    So its been a few weeks since the shit storm blew everything apart, and I can honestly say I'm not feeling any better about some of it. You could even say worse.

    Theres the porn relapse- I have moved on from this mentally, and can rationalise and understand it. Definitely fear when it's going to next strike again- but have dealt with my anxiety there. I can confidently support him in this department.

    Theres also the psubs ( women dressed in lingerie etc) . Those seemed perfectly understandable and practical also. Obviously a bad habit that needed to stop- but one I have come to terms with.

    Then, theres the workmate of his who's image he used to masturbate. His friends. Our friends. The beautiful mutual friend he met once and went to town over. This shit absolutely cuts like a knife and I feel dirty by association.

    I can't sleep , and when I do I have nightmares most nights about them.
    My back and neck aches with pain when he's around me. I'm tense.
    I had a full blown panick attack last night for the first time in years. I still can't look him in the eye. I can be a moody jealous bitch to be around. I feel like he's a stranger at times and I'm scared of how badly he can hurt me emotionally.

    This is not me or how I want to live my life. I hate the person I am becoming. I hear myself saying these ridiculous things and I can't stop myself. I'm embarrassed of the way I am acting, and hate how weak I am being with this. I have been through some big things in my life, without feeling fear or sorry for myself- and for some reason this one seems to take the cake.

    Is this my future if we continue? Will weak ugly person I've become continue to sabotage our relationship?

    I want to be supportive and give my partner the help he needs- but I can't get over this yet. I can't get on with my day happily knowing he's at work with one of them.

    How can I make peace with this?
    Does anyone have experience in this department?

    My SO left for a week after everything came out. Hes back here now and we have great moments together still - but never entire days where I can keep my shit together and cry feeling completely horrible.

    He's been PM free, I trust that he's on the right track and is genuinely giving it all his best. We have set boundaries & consequences. He has an accountability partner.

    We have taken all the right steps which makes it feel like its me causing the problems around here now. I have moments of panic thinking he'd be better off without me moping around.

    I'm truly trying my best to curve my insecure thoughts, jealousy, depression.
    Helps, tips, advice please!!

    I know this isn't about me, I've been told x2580964 times.

    Still desperately waiting for time to heal on this one.
    The truth is, its still going to bother me years down the track.
    I wish I didn't know about it. But I do, and its a complete game changer for me.

    Thanks for reading my second novel.
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2019
  4. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    It's so funny, just five minutes ago I thought about Kermit the Frog, and that he really is the ultimate man, and that I should change my profile picture to one of Ms Piggy. Then I saw your post!

    It's really heartbreaking to read what you have been through, I'm so, so sorry. I doubt that you are a "moody jealous bitch" to be around, in fact, you sound like a very reasonable woman who has been very poorly treated by the man who is suppose to serve and protect you. It looks as if you have come quite far though; you have managed to get him to admit his problem and to actively seek help. You are both young from what I've understand and will hopefully have many lovely years in front of you once he kicks this habit for good.

    As I'm sure you know, it's very common for spouses to feel extremely depressed, even to the point of being suicidal. Every little reminder of what has happened turn the SO into a basket case. The trauma has occured on a neurological level, and your brain, like his, must now heal and regrow. It needs to "unlearn" the old reality and adapt to the new. This is of course an excruciatingly painful experience, but also one that will leave you stronger than ever before. It will take months, but you will move past this.

    One thing that helped me tremendously was looking at brain scans of people suffering from pornography addiction and realizing that at some point, these people stop being themselves. They have literally lost grey matter in their own brains that prevents them from seing the glaring truth, which is the extent of their inappropriate, compulsive behaviour. The PA doesn't feel remorse, he doesn't feel empathy for the ones he hurt, he is in a state where he is basically incapable of that. If you browse the forums, you will see accounts from people that have spent hours compulsively watching all kinds unsavoury stuff that repulse them, just because they can not quit. It helps to be able to seperate the person from the addiction. In your progress of healing, you will probably have many personal "aha"-moments that helps you to understand and to build up a new you. Be sure to enlist as many people as you can in your journey, and never be afraid to vent or seek advice for anything. Therapy is good. Anything that helps you sleep is also beneficial.

    I suffered from terrible nightmares myself. Three months after the discovery of my husbands secrets, I managed to stop crying all day but I still had horrible nightmares to the point of not knowing what to do. Switching coffee for green tea, which has less caffeine and inhibits cortisol production, has proven to be of great help.

    I sincerely wish you all the best!
     
    Kitty lover likes this.

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