https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/i-ruined-the-best-thing-in-my-life.96220/ The above link is the start of my story and the end of all things, as this thread's title implies. It should provide sufficient context for what goes forward from here. I chose this title for my thread because of the Panic! At the Disco song by the same name. It was the song that would have been played during my first dance with my ex-fiancee. Last night felt like the End of All Things to me as well, and the Lord of the Rings reference doesnt hurt either, especially if you view the ring itself as an allegory for addiction, and because of how long winded this is going to be. I have been urged to start a journal by the site itself and a very important person in my life whom I will talk about in a bit, but I wanted to say first that this is very foreign to me overall. I have never been involved in forums, so many of the procedures and protocols may elude me for a time, please feel free to help me on that front. And I have never had a support group or really any group of friends at all. My Family and I are not close, and the vast majority of them are addicts in their own way. So I may lean heavily on this journal to be able to get my thoughts out coherently, and that in and of itself is uncomfortable to me. All of my basic info should be covered in my introduction page, but I did want to say that the last 24 hours of life have been the worst I have ever experienced. In addition to the total falling out with my ex, I did my best to alienate one of my few friends left. She has been nothing but supportive and sweet and she deserves more than what I have her. As of writing this I have not heard from her, but I have sent her what happened to me last night and I apologized. With that additional background said, let's begin. ******Day 1****** My ex-fiancee loves tarot. And as a result I gained a little knowledge of how it works, enough to know that it is only spiritual if you wish it to be, and that it is akin to guided meditation. Each card has meaning, connotation, and each card feels differently when paired another. When enough cards are dealt they force you to tell a story, often from a different perspective than one might have considered before and this give interesting insight into oneself. Last night before I came clean about everything to my ex, she did a reading. It was mostly positive, hopeful is more accurate, though tempered by trials and hard ships. I ended up coming clean to her about all the secrets I kept from her, as many as I could remember, and she hated me as a result. But remember the tarot, were coming back to it. I left of my own free will to give her space, which is something I had done before (though before we were together) at a party. There was only one bed left and we attempted to share it. She was uncomfortable because she was exhausted, in dire need of time alone, and we barely knew each other. So, I got out of the bed. And that's what I did last night. I got out of the bed, I gave her space and time to sleep before work the next morning. I don't want to know what would have happened if I had stayed. Undoubtedly, it would have been worse than having to contact a suicide hotline for me in the long run. I left and did contact a crisis counselor. It helped, it got me to come here and I found a local physical support group which I will attend today. I'm hopeful but anxious about going. Now, about the very important person in my life, my ex's mom. I lived with my ex and her family for a year, they are a large family, 5 kids, their grandmother and, at the time, me. I became one of them after they took me in, and I have never felt Family like that before. My ex's mom thought and still thinks of me as her son. She identifies with my struggle with p as she was exposed at a very young age and wanted to do everything she could to help me with my struggle. I love her dearly. But ultimately as my lying and pmoing came out, I was forced to move out. This was absolutely one of the deciding factors in my relapse. I have heard addiction called the opposite of connection before, and it showed in this instance. I was cut off from my family, I was welcome to visit, but I couldn't live there anymore. I caved after that, and everything started slipping away: my fiancee became my girlfriend, my girlfriend became my ex, and I lost the best family I'd ever had. It is with great joy in my heart that I say, the first person i talked to this morning was my ex's mom (after calling in to work). I told her everything, sent her every text I had with the crisis counselor. And she was so supportive. I think before i always felt like what she said about me being her son might have been exaggeration. I dont think that anymore. She is a mother to me, and I am her son. She lifted me up, urged me forward, said she was proud for the steps I am taking. And also said if I killed myself she would personally give me a taste of the Wrath of God while I was in the afterlife. I believe she would have. I believe she loves me that much. I gave her information to pass on to my ex, if my ex wanted to know how I was doing. And I urged her not to tell my ex about the suicide hotline, the last thing I wanted was for my ex to feel as though my life hung in the balance of her decisions. Apparently, she made an impassioned plea to my ex not to cut me out of her life. And my ex listened. My ex and I may never be in a relationship again, but as her mom put it we "have a once in a lifetime connection". I don't think I'll ever meet another person like my ex, so I'm inclined to agree. My ex and I have always called each other our best friends, and now that doesn't have to stop. We may be building from the ground up totally from scratch, but it's not over, we will still be in each other's lives for a while yet. I still love her and she loves me, and we are going to go to counselling together. Not to save our relationship, but to save our friendship. I think that idea alone might be able to get me through my week long goal. Back to Tarot. The tarot deck is composed what is essentially a standard playing card deck, 4 suits, but 14 cards in each suit not 13, these are the minor arcana, and if there are minor arcana there must be Major Arcana. These are abstract concepts that tend to be extremely powerful ideas: Death, Temperance, Strength, Judgement. But interestingly they are numbered, 1 to 22, and they form a story, a cycle. There is a beginning and an end to a cycle but it never stops as a whole. My ex did a reading about our relationship, and the card that was dealt to represent our future was the last card in this cycle, The World. As I understand it, it means exactly as it sounds, you get to have The World. It also means that a phase of life is drawing to a close. It made me realize... Last night may have been The End of All Things, but that just means a new beginning.