The End of All Things

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by GPKanklez, Mar 27, 2017.

  1. GPKanklez

    GPKanklez Fapstronaut

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/i-ruined-the-best-thing-in-my-life.96220/

    The above link is the start of my story and the end of all things, as this thread's title implies. It should provide sufficient context for what goes forward from here.

    I chose this title for my thread because of the Panic! At the Disco song by the same name. It was the song that would have been played during my first dance with my ex-fiancee. Last night felt like the End of All Things to me as well, and the Lord of the Rings reference doesnt hurt either, especially if you view the ring itself as an allegory for addiction, and because of how long winded this is going to be.

    I have been urged to start a journal by the site itself and a very important person in my life whom I will talk about in a bit, but I wanted to say first that this is very foreign to me overall. I have never been involved in forums, so many of the procedures and protocols may elude me for a time, please feel free to help me on that front. And I have never had a support group or really any group of friends at all. My Family and I are not close, and the vast majority of them are addicts in their own way. So I may lean heavily on this journal to be able to get my thoughts out coherently, and that in and of itself is uncomfortable to me.

    All of my basic info should be covered in my introduction page, but I did want to say that the last 24 hours of life have been the worst I have ever experienced. In addition to the total falling out with my ex, I did my best to alienate one of my few friends left. She has been nothing but supportive and sweet and she deserves more than what I have her. As of writing this I have not heard from her, but I have sent her what happened to me last night and I apologized.

    With that additional background said, let's begin.

    ******Day 1******

    My ex-fiancee loves tarot. And as a result I gained a little knowledge of how it works, enough to know that it is only spiritual if you wish it to be, and that it is akin to guided meditation. Each card has meaning, connotation, and each card feels differently when paired another. When enough cards are dealt they force you to tell a story, often from a different perspective than one might have considered before and this give interesting insight into oneself.

    Last night before I came clean about everything to my ex, she did a reading. It was mostly positive, hopeful is more accurate, though tempered by trials and hard ships. I ended up coming clean to her about all the secrets I kept from her, as many as I could remember, and she hated me as a result. But remember the tarot, were coming back to it.

    I left of my own free will to give her space, which is something I had done before (though before we were together) at a party. There was only one bed left and we attempted to share it. She was uncomfortable because she was exhausted, in dire need of time alone, and we barely knew each other. So, I got out of the bed. And that's what I did last night. I got out of the bed, I gave her space and time to sleep before work the next morning.

    I don't want to know what would have happened if I had stayed. Undoubtedly, it would have been worse than having to contact a suicide hotline for me in the long run.

    I left and did contact a crisis counselor. It helped, it got me to come here and I found a local physical support group which I will attend today. I'm hopeful but anxious about going.

    Now, about the very important person in my life, my ex's mom.

    I lived with my ex and her family for a year, they are a large family, 5 kids, their grandmother and, at the time, me. I became one of them after they took me in, and I have never felt Family like that before. My ex's mom thought and still thinks of me as her son. She identifies with my struggle with p as she was exposed at a very young age and wanted to do everything she could to help me with my struggle. I love her dearly. But ultimately as my lying and pmoing came out, I was forced to move out. This was absolutely one of the deciding factors in my relapse. I have heard addiction called the opposite of connection before, and it showed in this instance. I was cut off from my family, I was welcome to visit, but I couldn't live there anymore.

    I caved after that, and everything started slipping away: my fiancee became my girlfriend, my girlfriend became my ex, and I lost the best family I'd ever had.

    It is with great joy in my heart that I say, the first person i talked to this morning was my ex's mom (after calling in to work).

    I told her everything, sent her every text I had with the crisis counselor. And she was so supportive. I think before i always felt like what she said about me being her son might have been exaggeration.

    I dont think that anymore. She is a mother to me, and I am her son. She lifted me up, urged me forward, said she was proud for the steps I am taking. And also said if I killed myself she would personally give me a taste of the Wrath of God while I was in the afterlife. I believe she would have. I believe she loves me that much.

    I gave her information to pass on to my ex, if my ex wanted to know how I was doing. And I urged her not to tell my ex about the suicide hotline, the last thing I wanted was for my ex to feel as though my life hung in the balance of her decisions.

    Apparently, she made an impassioned plea to my ex not to cut me out of her life. And my ex listened.

    My ex and I may never be in a relationship again, but as her mom put it we "have a once in a lifetime connection". I don't think I'll ever meet another person like my ex, so I'm inclined to agree. My ex and I have always called each other our best friends, and now that doesn't have to stop. We may be building from the ground up totally from scratch, but it's not over, we will still be in each other's lives for a while yet.

    I still love her and she loves me, and we are going to go to counselling together. Not to save our relationship, but to save our friendship. I think that idea alone might be able to get me through my week long goal.

    Back to Tarot.

    The tarot deck is composed what is essentially a standard playing card deck, 4 suits, but 14 cards in each suit not 13, these are the minor arcana, and if there are minor arcana there must be Major Arcana. These are abstract concepts that tend to be extremely powerful ideas: Death, Temperance, Strength, Judgement. But interestingly they are numbered, 1 to 22, and they form a story, a cycle. There is a beginning and an end to a cycle but it never stops as a whole.

    My ex did a reading about our relationship, and the card that was dealt to represent our future was the last card in this cycle, The World. As I understand it, it means exactly as it sounds, you get to have The World. It also means that a phase of life is drawing to a close. It made me realize...

    Last night may have been The End of All Things, but that just means a new beginning.
     
    Azor Ahai, IAWMTT, M.S.H. and 4 others like this.
  2. Green Monstah

    Green Monstah Fapstronaut

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    Close one door, and open many new ones! I do believe that you are capable of changing and kicking PMO to the curb. It will be a rough road, and you have to do the work... I only tell it like it is.

    I read on a relationship advice article how "Giving up P is one of the most romantic things you can do for your S.O."

    I'm not gonna tell you what could be possible with the lady later down the road, though it definitely sounds like she still cares a great deal about you. Nevertheless, you definitely need to better yourself first. If you can do the hard work to kick pmo to the curb, you will become a changed man. You can become greater than ever before! Just how badly do you want to change? That is the question.

    You are young, like me. Actually it struck me that we are the same age. I am still experiencing many long-term PMO-addiction problems, but it's not too late for either of us. I don't know if I will fully recover next week, next month, or even next year, but I am willing to go all the way!

    I do have to say, please don't do anything to hurt yourself. There ARE people who care about you, and suicide won't end anything. You'll leave pain and suffering for those who have to deal with the aftermath. Plus, I already said that it is possible to change! Wouldn't you rather go for that

    You might feel like you are in a deep hole right now, but it doesn't mean you cannot climb out. Also, we are here to reach in and help you along the way! So, please keep us updated. We all believe in you! =]
     
    Yang boy, PingPong and GPKanklez like this.
  3. GPKanklez

    GPKanklez Fapstronaut

    *****Day 2*****
    Yesterday was an interesting day.

    Overall it was very positive, and in a way it feels strange that I was so low two nights ago that I felt the need to contact a suicide hotline, because I have so much energy and I'm devoting it right now to blasting on full volume the truth to everyone who needs to hear it.

    It feels good. After so long hiding secrets from everyone, it feels good to shout everything from the rooftops.

    As for the events of yesterday, I spent most of it getting my setup on this sight going, doing my first journal, replying to all of your wonderful comments etc. But then I went to a Sex and Love Addicts Anyonymous meeting last night also.

    It wasn't bad? That's about all I can say for it. It felt so rigid and confining, they have so many rules about sharing and how you can respond, and all this stuff I knew going in because my parents are addicts and I've been to their meetings before. But it felt weird for me to go. I did share everything. Part of putting everything on blast. It felt good to tell real people, and that was definitely the best part. But S.L.A.A has definite religious spin to it (One of the steps is asking God to remove your failings) but I am definitely not like that.

    After the meeting I came home and told my family everything. They were a little shocked to say the least. I had been so busy and positive I'm sure it was difficult to resolve that I had been so low the previous night. It even was hard for me to resolve those two facts! We spent a good portion of the time dealing eith practical changes to our lifestyle, and I told them I needed to quit school to make sure I can get through this time. They understood but didn't like it. However, I and going to go to a therapist which I am looking forward to. The best part to me is that I'm going with my ex. All of this stuff with PM has been tied into our relationship and I want it gone, so we can have whatever relationship we get to have. I think it's going to be really nice.

    - - GOALS- -
    Officially stating that I am shooting for one week PMO free- currently Day 1

    I am going to attend 5 SLAA meetings as per their suggestion (6 total before you decide whether to stay) and try to go to as many different group locations as I can.

    I am going to update my journal every day with what happened the previous day, even if it's to say nothing happened.

    I am going to exercise everyday. My default if I can't find anything is to take my dog for a walk.

    I am going to eat well, and part of that is going to be establishing myself at my parents house, they have generally bad eating habits and I don't want to follow their example.

    That's all for today.

    The End of All Things is just the Beginning.
     
    Green Monstah likes this.
  4. Green Monstah

    Green Monstah Fapstronaut

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    Great start man! You are on your way to do the right thing!

    The journal entries will help you organize your thoughts for sure! And they will help remind you of your goals and whether or not you are using the right methods.

    Exercise away! Without PMO, you will have a surplus of energy, guaranteed! I no longer stay up late at night and/or wake up early to PMO. I get more sleep than ever, and I feel so refreshed in the morning. Definitely do the defaults. I try to get to the gym/pool at least once a day, but if I can't, I will do 100 pushups at from my own place, definitely do the minimum.

    I have been controlling what I eat and drink for the past year. No more soda, no more snacking for me. I control the portions. If I do go out, I will make sure to exercise extra the following days. Eating and exercising right will do your body wonders!

    Wishing you the best!

    PS I too live with my parents, at age 26. I am still in the process of figuring my life out. I failed out of grad school last year, and I just haven't been the same. There will be light at the end of the tunnel. I continue to believe.
     
    GPKanklez likes this.
  5. GPKanklez

    GPKanklez Fapstronaut

    *****Day 3*****
    Streaks:
    P=2
    M=2
    O=2
    S=2

    Yesterday was less busy. Thankfully. If all days were as busy as the day after a crisis, I don't think I'd be able to handle it.

    I still had a full day though. I went the dentist which was awful, my gums still hurt. Then i had enough time to squeeze in a walk around the block with my dog before I went over to my ex's house for lunch.

    I played a game with the siblings while I ate lunch, good stuff too, and I lost horribly. They ganged up on me cause if they didn't I was gonna win. Whaddayagonnado.

    Then my ex and I spent a good portion of the rest of the day, until she had to go to class, talking about our relationship.

    Officially, right now we aren't together and aren't working to be together. That means a lot of behaviors aren't appropriate, and also risk me lapsing on at least O. Like cuddling, I feel like we spent the last year always in contact with each other, but now were platonic (or trying to be) and there is no reason for us to cuddle or kiss, it even risks me relapsing. As a result really small things feel exciting and new again, hugging is amazing, and it's hard to let go sometimes. We even joked about how sitting in the room I lived in with her for over a year with the door closed felt illicit because I have instituted open door policies where I can.

    The flip side of this is sometimes, it really feels like were still together. And when I get ripped out of that idea back to the reality, it really hurts and I think it hurts her in the same way. I was reading a chapter out of a new book out loud for us and as I finished the chapter I looked up and she was upset, like...really upset. She never really clarified, she didn't really have to, all of this just kind of hangs over us right now and sometimes it's too much. Back when we were together, it would have probably been expected that I hover and poke and prod to try and get her to tell me exactly what it was that was bothering her so I could help. As it was, I felt the only thing I could do now was give her space. It turns out that it was the correct decision even though she basically left for class in a huff. She texted later and thanked me for the space.

    She regularly tells me how proud she is of me for stepping up like this. She said the strength had gone out of my arms before but now it's back. I believe her. I feel strong and as though I have a path forward. It feels good.

    After she left I had a great talk with her mom that was so rambling I honestly don't remember most of it. That's fine, it was a lot of catching her up, but that's just how a lot of those conversations went at their house. She was baking something for the kids, and i just sat there and we talked in the kitchen until i had to go. I miss those times, they were very bonding.

    Eventually i did have to leave, I went to where I thought another SLAA meeting was going to be, but as I found out later it has been cancelled. That sucked, but I did try to use the time effectively. My ex found a secular recovery group for sex addiction. I took a survey to pretty much confirm that yeah, I'm a Sex addict specializing in porn. So I'm going to check the secular group out today. Later that night I spent some time with my ex, she took the old phones I had one of which i used to relapse because it wasn't monitored, and the power cord to my desktop which is also not monitored. She apparently smashed the phones, which I cannot blame her for in the slightest.

    I also told one of my friends from a gaming group I'm in about the suicide hotline, he had previously told me a similar story about his lowest point, and he was very attentive and encouraging. He's a good friend, though we don't get to spend a lot of time together.

    Back to the SLAA stuff. I am not a religious person, which is why the meeting before irked me a lot. So many of the AA steps are based on a "higher power". I don't believe in one. Therein lies the problem. I also am not going to just go along with it because they say so. I'm a little stubborn like that. I've heard of people making a pen their higher power and just moving on. I just hate the idea of that whole thing a lot. It goes against my core beliefs as an agnostic, which is why I was grateful for finding out about the secular group I'm checking out.

    Something else I've been thinking about is how most people can recover if that's all they do, inpatient recovery is a great example of that. If that's all you do, you can manage it, but at that point you don't have a life, your life is recovering. AA suggests 90 meetings in 90 days for newly recovering addicts. That sounds imbalanced to me, as in not healthy. Rebooting and detoxing is important but if it's at the cost of school, or work, then it's no better than the addiction that was stealing your life to begin with. I'm going to be doing some heavy thinking about how often I'm going to go to in person support groups, I think they're important, and that nothing can quite replace them, but I'm not sure how to balance them in my life yet.

    I added Secrets to my counters. The way I see it I have a hierarchy of bad shit I can do. O < M < P < S. I realised the me using P was not as bad as me lying about relapsing on any of the others. So my true ultimate goal is for my secrets counter to never reset. Whatever happens I should tell the truth because anything that happens with pmo isnt going to be that bad, but keeping it secret could truly destroy a lot of stuff in my life.

    When days slow down and I dont have as much to report, I think I'm going to use tarot for a little guided meditation, force myself to consider three concepts a day and resolve them into my life.

    I'm honestly scared this energy and forward motion wont last forever. I'm doing everything I can to preserve it. I really can't go back to living how I was.

    That's all for today.

    The End of All Things is just the Beginning.
     
    Green Monstah likes this.
  6. Green Monstah

    Green Monstah Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like you are doing the best you can. Especially with giving your ex the space, it's a good sign that she thanked you. She obviously cares a great deal about you!

    Do not worry about relapsing right now. Even if you do, none of us here will ever judge! But if you do, work n finding out what went wrong, what triggered you, if you looked at something you shouldn't, etc. A relapse will be an opportunity for you to improve on future streaks. I thought I was on the verge of going back to my old ways cause twice I made it to 40+ Days, however, I made it no more than 1-5 days immediately following that. It hurt, but eventually you will find the motivation to keep going! Still, relapses and the chaser effects and all, it was a whole lot better than what I did for years (PMOing early morning, or late at night, or sometimes both). So eventually the streaks will get better and better! If you can make it past the first week, it will get easier. Just watch out for what might pull you back in, that's the tricky part!

    Thanks for the update bro! =]
     
    GPKanklez likes this.
  7. GPKanklez

    GPKanklez Fapstronaut

    *****Day 3 Continued*****

    I guess that that's not all for today.

    S=0
    P=2
    M=2
    O=2

    I hadn't conceived of a way in which my secret counter would get reset, but my PMO's wouldn't. But I found it regardless. All I had to do was keep secrets from before. I hid the exact nature of my relapse from my ex. I didn't intend to, at least I'd like to think so, but there was definitely a chance earlier for me to say exactly what happened but we had a miscommunication. At this point that's just a lie. I don't really get the benefit of the doubt at this point.

    It was going so well. I definitely felt like it had to be going to well. And right now I'm fighting hard as I'm typing not to give up, to prove that I'm doing this for me, not for her. The hard part is she was my biggest champion. I was already a little screwy today, I woke up and I think I almost started fantasizing right away. I had a female friend from the past who I had a small crush on previously contact me to wish me happy birthday, I thanked her and asked her about a job opportunity she brought up the last time I saw her, and we got to talking. She knew both my ex and me individually and was really pulling for us and asked what happened that we broke up. So I told her over the phone while I was driving to my ex's house. It was a really productive conversation. I felt the fantasy element begin to push in on the conversation, and I had to push it off. I had to tell myself that just because she was being kind, did not excuse fantasizing about her.

    I can feel myself getting a little terse, but I have to finish this.

    I got to my ex's house. I immediately told her about the phone call, I mean, no secrets right? It hurt her a bit, hearing that I was fighting off fantasies about another woman would do that. We got better, agreed I should talk about that kind of stuff with someone else in the future.

    Well guess what. There is no future as of now.

    We talked in her room, and the relapse came up. I resolved to tell the truth even though the questions she was asking were difficult. She asked me about every detail of it, how it happened, what got used.

    I told her. And I had lied previously about what I used. She asked if it was worse. I said no. It was in the same category, not a worse one was my thinking. But it was worse in the same category. The severity of the P I used was always the issue, and this time I crossed a line. I'm pretty sure it was illegal. She asked me to leave again. So I did.

    In the course of writing this I found out from her mother, who has offered to be go between if anything needs to be exchanged, that my ex deleted by number and me off of Facebook.

    I'm trying really really hard to believe this even now, though I'm not sure I can, that The End of All Things is just the Beginning.

    Happy Birthday to Me.
     
  8. GPKanklez

    GPKanklez Fapstronaut

    *****Day 4*****
    S=1
    P=3
    M=3
    O=3

    After I posted yesterday things were up and down. Mostly down. I reached out to everyone around me, and it almost wasn't enough. My friend is a Lyft driver and he ended up on my side of town, I bought him dinner so he could stay and talk for a while and it helped a bit. I talked to my family a lot before that and my other friend texted me a lot with some success, but once he showed up I started laughing again. He is a relentlessly positive person, and I hope to emulate that about him because I admire that about him a lot.

    I was good while he was there, but i was worried about sleeping after he left. That was answered for me as, somehow some way, my ex reached out again after I hurt her so badly again. I am entirely unconvinced that she and I should be talking, so I'm limiting it as much as is reasonable, I'm only replying to her and not initiating, I'm trying not to get hopes or expectations up etc. I don't know how successful it is, but I'm trying. Ultimately, all it meant was that she was still cheering for me, but it got me to sleep that night and up in the morning.

    I didn't need a crisis counselor. The support system I cobbled together in such a short period of time held up. That definitely makes me feel more hopeful.

    Today I went back to work, I told my boss about what was happening and she was supportive and got everything covered until I came back. I never even got to talk about the meeting with my bosses yesterday because of everything that happened right after. It went well, and I'm glad to be back at work. It definitely helped. It helps, pass the time and is productive on top of that, I move around a lot too so that's a bonus, but I still went and walked my dog afterward today, then i sold off some more crap from my room.

    After that I went to another SLAA meeting. I wasn't sure about this meeting after the last two I went to. The first just didn't feel right, the next one was a secular meeting and wasn't focused on sex addiction specifically. As it turns out, I was the only person there that CPS didn't force to be there. I didn't fit in there sadly. But at this group. There was something different. They did a new member meeting just for me, i was immediately orentied by two senior members that got my background, and asked why I was there.

    When I shared to that group I cried. It was tough. They were overwhelmingly supportive. Every single man in that room wrote their number down for me to call if I needed help and when asked who would be available to call if I needed help, every hand in the room jumped up. Like I said. It was overwhelming.

    They meet every day when I am available right now, though it's a massive drive, but I'm going to go back to that one for sure. I had a long talk with a guy afterwards that was really helpful, and I think he's my first call if I need help now.

    As it stands right now, I'm in a Starbucks charging my phone because I do not wsnt to be at home burning time, that feels dangerous. So I'm meeting up with a gaming group on the same side of town as the support group so I can stay out most of the day.

    So far, I've kept up with all my goals except the secrets. And that was a secret from before I made that goal, something I didn't anticipate. It was still a secret, and I'm afraid that may be the reason it will reset most often, past secrets that I tell the truth of once I know to do so. Technically, I'm still keeping the secret even if I can't remember that I lied until it's brought up. I can only correct it as soon as I can and hope it's enough.

    Everything else has been easy by comparison.

    ~~~Tarot~~~
    I'm going to try to meditate each day with tarot, no specific goal yet. I just want to try it out, so feel free to ignore if it's not your thing dear reader.

    ~Ace of Cups~ (r)- repressed, bottled up feelings. Seek balance.
    Six of Swords- moving away from a difficult situation, letting go of past failure
    The Tower (reversed)- don't resist the changes your life needs.
    Page of Cups (r)- escapism, turning inward, immaturity, emotional trouble.

    The aces in this deck are removed when dealt and instead color the rest of the cards with their meaning, in this case during this whole process of leaving and upheaval, there are still things I'm keeping inside.

    The Six of Swords is the only upright card, so a generally negative reading, though most of my life is negative right now so that makes sense, and its a card about leaving, and I think the best thing I did was remove myself from my ex as much as possible, and put up barriers for the rest. Maybe the only good thing I did too.

    The tower represents rampant destruction. Total and complete. And reversed it means, stop fighting it, it's going to happen, just let it happen and it will be better in the long run. That scares me, i stil feel like i have so much to lose and im trying to hang on to it for dear life, but i know i need to let go of it and just foxus on myself and getting better.

    That doesn't scare me as much as the Page of Cups. At it's most specific it is a young woman who is or has bad news for me. And im I'm terrified of any news from my ex. I'm afraid of the message that she will not ever see me again. And no doubt that fear is preventing me from opening up some. I have yet to truly accept that she can leave, and maybe that she should leave. I need be ok, truly ok, no matter what happens.

    Also the reversed tower has come up 3 readings in a row about me, it makes me want to know when the destruction will end.
    ~~~~~

    As always, and its easier today, The End of All Things is just the Beginning.
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2017
  9. GPKanklez

    GPKanklez Fapstronaut

    *****Day 5*****
    S=2
    P=4
    M=4
    O=4
    *****

    After I posted yesterday, the day was, guess what? Very up and down, shocking. I did go play with the gaming group, it's a table top game, and I went 3-2 playing a not very serious set of games, so that feels good. What didn't feel good was kind of being excluded from the group, I am welcome to play, I'm even in their group chat, but I definitely feel looked down on. Despite the fact that I have tournament results better than most people "in their group". I don't know. I've always been a little standoffish. I just think it'd be nice to belong there. Of course, it could just be the intimacy issues brought on by addiction preventing me from making lasting connections. Or they could just think I'm annoying. It's not all about me after all.

    Regardless, my ex has decided emailing is an acceptable way of communication currently, and I swear I get the whole love letter idea from the past. I read them and reread them, draw strength and motivation from them. It's intoxicating. It scares me too. She says she feels like she can't stay away, even after all I did. And that feels like it can't be me, I can't be so alluring that she doesn't want to give me up. It makes me believe that there must be something wrong with her. She is starting to think so too. I'd like to recognize "out loud", that there is potential in me, that I was once the most important person in her life, and that I am working to be an even better version of myself. It makes sense that because she still cares, even a little, she wants to see how I look after I bake for a little while. There doesn't have to be something wrong with her, it could be me doing something good and attractive even after all of this.

    But she also needs to have contingency plans for what happens if I relapse. Not every relapse is the same of course, but she is enacting a policy that she can reach out on tinder to whoever she wants as her backup. How far she pursues anything depends on me, right now everything would be strictly platonic, I didn't clarify, but I am assuming that means she would reject any non-platonic advances, in addition to not initiating any of her own. It's her leaving an escape route. I really, really wish I had the grounds or the confidence to say she should bet on me. But I can't. Not yet. And that really fucking hurts. The thought of her being with someone else almost paralyzed me when we talked on the phone last night. She has made a connection too, and I'm sure the guy is nice, and apparently he is going through a rough patch also and super supportive of me and my ex working things out, and hasn't even made any suggestive comments. But the way he feels in my head is pure malice. And it's not him, or her. It's me. Really, and truly, I need to be ok with her moving on. In my soul, even though I want to be with her, trying to hold on to her harder is only ultimately going to make it worse. I have to let her be free. Part of that is, of course, that she has to be free to choose anyone and that means there is a chance she can choose me again.

    I, of sound mind and body in this moment, declare that I will become at peace with the thought of my ex moving on. It is best for me and my recovery. It is best for her and her recovery from my sins. I will do my best to ignore that pain that it causes me, recognizing it for the selfishness that it is, and be as genuinely happy for her recovery as I can.

    That includes her contacting this guy on tinder. She has offered to let me read the conversations to get everything out in the open, and I think I'll take her up on that when I can. Last night, I couldn't handle the idea and I told her that she shouldn't keep any secrets, that someone should know about who she is talking to and what they are saying, but that I couldn't know. I think I need to amend that to right now. In a few days, I think I want to know. I may not be able to always be happy for her, I am after all human. But I need to start trying, saying the words, trying to feel the feelings at the very least.

    I can be happy for this for her. She has friends out of state who have invited her to stay with them for the weekend. She needs this time away and I am thankful that she has this opportunity. When she comes back, a lot of stuff will be decided. But for now, I'm glad she has friends who support her like this.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I know that this journal has essentially turned into a bitch fest about my ex. There is some worry that I'm hyper focusing on this to avoid my personal issues. So, since I wrote a long email to her, and this whole entry now, the best thing I can do is do something for myself. I'm going to go to another meeting. Same group I went to before, and this time I want to walk away with a person I can tell everything to, who will know every detail.

    I also am going to do a serious number of cleaning my room. I have to pick up the mattress from my ex's house, and if I'm already hauling stuff around I may as well make some storage unit runs today too.

    Other than that my recovery so far has been going well. I definitely feel the increased urges that most users talk about, I woke "up" today. But I'm feeling good, and I'm still making sure I'm doing healthy things for myself. Still going to walk my dog, and I am going to eat today. I can guarantee that one.

    I may make a tarot post later to give myself something to do if I'm running low on stuff to occupy me. Honestly, I just like writing in this journal.

    As always, The End of All Things is just the Beginning
     
  10. Green Monstah

    Green Monstah Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like the two of you have something really wonderful going until it all came out... It's clear that she cares a great deal about you and wants to help you. While the stuff got revealed to her, yes of course her reaction is expected, it's not like she will forget all the wonderful things you two had going before.

    While it's great that she wants to help you, what happens next depends on you. You must find your own strength to kick PMO to the curb. You definitely want to change, and you are making an effort. Please continue to talk about the methods you are using, and how they are working for you.

    It's only natural to feel hurt by this that she is talking to someone else.

    Of course fight PMO first and foremost, do it for yourself. When you are good and ready, fight for her!
     
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  11. Green Monstah

    Green Monstah Fapstronaut

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    I am writing this without any bias, only telling it like it is. I will say this. I know many people who have had ugly breakups/"breaks" and immediately began seeing other peopl. I'm not against "moving on", but i do believe that while an ugly breakup is still fresh in the mind of someone, the person needs to be cautious when seeing other people immediately after the breakup.

    They tend to have clouded judgements. Many (not necessarily all) will think they found some nice person and rush to make it work, and ignore all the reasons why a certain new someone is not a good idea.

    I know ppl who had bad breakups, and went "woo-hoo! freedom!" or ppl who just immediately found someone new... i've seen a guy who took advantage of girl's emotions right after that she had a bad breakup.

    So make sure she is careful. She is still at a stage where she is hurting, grieving, and confused. You do not want to see her making a regretful decision. You do care for her.

    Important, do NOT make it look like you're telling her this to win her back... (maybe one day when the time is right, you can fight for her, but not yet...) but right now, do it in a way to show her that you are looking out for her and that is all right now.
     
  12. GPKanklez

    GPKanklez Fapstronaut

    *****Day 6*****
    S=3
    P=5
    M=5
    O=5

    Yesterday was a good day. I went to a meeting after I posted, with the explicit purpose of gaining a sponsor. I found one. I can and have told him everything, and it feels good. He's asked tough questions. Like who should have access to this journal. He thinks may be too many for what this should be to me. I think i agree. So, im not going to change journals, or tell me people they can't keep up with my recovery. But I am going to keep a separate, maybe even hand written journal. So likely less angst about my ex here. More focus on how I'm doing.

    How I'm doing is good. I'm officially adding talking to someone from group every day to my list of daily goals in addition to exercise etc. I talked to my sponsor again today. We had a good talk about what behaviors are safe, what's risky, and what are actively helping me recover.

    Aside from that, I just spent time with my family last night, though I did spend time with my other family when I picked up the mattress. Played a game, talked a lot. A lot.

    I spent a lot of thd night talking to my ex. She's hurting. I can't fix it. I know I can't, but I want to so bad. I can however suggest ways she can help herself. So far shes open to it.

    I'm really hopeful right now.

    The End of All Things is just the Beginning.
     
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  13. GPKanklez

    GPKanklez Fapstronaut

    *****Day 7*****
    S=4
    P=6
    M=6
    O=6
    Exercise=Y
    Journal=Y
    Eat=Y
    Call group member=Y
    Read on topic=Y
    *****

    I'm adding reading relevant materials to my daily list, now that I have reading materials to read. Right now I'm reading about codependence. It's not helping me that much right now, but I'm picking up bits and pieces about my behavior that will hopefully form something useful later on.

    Yesterday was a full and tiring day. I played basketball with my brother and his friends. It was... draining. My back still hurts a ton. But It felt great. The competitive urge is something I haven't felt in a while. The feeling of, "yknow what? Fuck that. I'm not going to let you be at me". And then just trying harder from that point on. I think that's a good mindset to train. I did have to come home and nap afterwards. After that I spent some time with my family, and I read the first part of a book I need to get through for my recovery.

    I clarified a lot of stuff with my sponsor early yesterday. I don't remember much but I remember coming away more clear headed about almost everything. I added to my list of goals, and some behaviors to my dangerous list. My new goal is to pick a meeting schedule and stick with it. It's suggested that you go to 90 meetings in 90 days, but I don't think that it's feasible for me. All the meetings in my area are a very good distance away, and would consume a large portion of time and money to go everyday. What I can do is set a reasonable schedule, emphasizing closer, though possibly less quality meetings, and stick to it. I'm thinking 5 times a week would be **ok**. That would be me just over 2/3 Of the prescribed meetings. And would be easier on the travel costs.

    I called my sponsor to talk it over, but it was probably too earlier, so i left a message. I'm also feeling some negative feelings, mainly fear, about the future and related to my ex. We're in a really good place right now, she's agreed that it would be good for her to have a support group, and even a sponsor, for her side. She wants to recover. And I feel the fear that if she recovers, she wont want me, that she will see me for what I believe myself to be in low moments, and leave.

    I don't believe I am who I am at low moments. I know the fear is irrational. I am capable of love and being loved, and I deserve it. I won't give in to this fear.

    Fear is a risky behavior for me. It causes me to feel as though I must hide things to be accepted. I don't have to do that. I'm fact I just not do that. That fear would cause me to lie. To obscure the truth. And that is an unacceptable behavior.

    Today, I'm feeling determined.

    The End of All Things is just the Beginning.
     
  14. Green Monstah

    Green Monstah Fapstronaut

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    Great call on playing basketball. I have been using my newly freed up time to exercise a lot. I swim a lot, lift a lot. Even if I cannot get to the gym/pool, no more “I don’t have time for that”. I will do 100 pushups. If certain urges are strong, I will make it 150 or even 200. A few months ago, I could barely do 1 pullup. Last time I went to the gym, I did 7! HOWBOWDAHH?!!! (Haha sorry I had to…) Get into an exercise routine, punish your body so you wake up with sore muscles the next morning. It’s a much greater feeling!

    I know how hard it is, but do not let fear lead you. It’s only natural to fear a potential loss, but you cannot let that guide you. And do NOT think so low of yourself, it will not help. Think about what you can be, what you will be, and what you will work hard to be! PS I should do a better job following that advice. I can get lost when it comes to myself.

    I have made the mistake of thinking that I ruined my erection, etc, so I ended up accepting it as something that is meant to be… instead I had to focus my thoughts and energy to better myself. My erections have returned, and are better than ever, but some days it’s just completely dead… One day I will win this war, but not yet. You must believe in yourself bro. I believe in your potential. You story is literally among the saddest ones here, but there are similar stories here where people eventually defeated pmo. Read some “success stories”, those encouraged me to keep going for sure!

    In light of all the Star Wars movies that have came out (and since I am a fan), I will leave this here. This is the truth bro!

     
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  15. GPKanklez

    GPKanklez Fapstronaut

    *****Day 8*****
    S=5
    P=7
    M=7
    O=0

    Daily yesterday:
    Exercise=Y
    Journal=Y
    Eat=Y
    Call group member=Y
    Read on topic=Y
    *****
    I feel like the reason why the O reset should be obvious.

    I made to my initial goal of a week. And so I have no shame in resetting O. It's never been an issue. I am however still going to track PM on here, even after the fast I have planned.

    I had a lot of trouble fitting Her into my recovery plan, but if there was a way to do it I was going to. And I waffled back and forth a lot. The decision I came may not have been the highest percentage decision for my recovery, or even for our budding relationship, but it happened the way it happened. It was not behavior that put me in danger of relapsing, and even may have helped, though that part remains unclear.

    So I'm not going to stress myself out about what I could've done differently. This is my path. I have to find balance here.

    So. The plan as it stands. After today I'm going on a full fast of All PMO, with the intent of rewiring my brain. I am going to take it a week at a time, reaffirming my fast and my commitment to Her every 7 days. This allows Her to plan her recovery, and she will commit to me for the same amount of time.

    My sponsor will not like this. I feel as though he probably has my best interests at heart, but just might not be the correct long term sponsor for me. I'm still going to do everything else I have set my mind to, every daily task. Including talking to my sponsor and telling them the truth.

    So. I'm committed to my recovery and to Her. These are not mutually exclusive as I see it, though I admit it may not be the easiest path. She is, and has been, the most important person in my life and this is my only chance of keeping it that way. Whatever we have to do to make this work, I am ready to do.

    Yesterday was entirely uneventful, the only thing I did was trying sort things out with Her. I picked her up at the airport and we immediately had issues to deal with. But they were dealt with. And I think dealt with in a way least harmful to me and most beneficial for her.

    I'm excited for therapy.

    Today I feel loving, and loved.

    The End of All Things is just the Beginning
     
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  16. GPKanklez

    GPKanklez Fapstronaut

    *****Day9*****
    S=6
    P=8
    M=8
    O=1

    Daily yesterday:
    Exercise=Y
    Journal=Y
    Eat=Y
    Call group member=Y
    Read on topic=Y
    *****

    Yesterday was definitely a feast day. My I counter was reset. And it was totally fine. It was a cheat day because I had only set myself a goal of a week, and She and I were looking forward to celebrating that. But ultimately i realized I needed to do an abstinence fast. So I had a cheat day before the diet. Not like....super advisable in general. It was more about her than me. I knew I could go on either way. But I was asking her to commit to me as long as I'm abstaining, something I know is difficult right now. We really needed to connect again, build even just a little intimacy before I start to rip out everything in my brain and rewire it.

    The plan so far is commit to 7 days at a time, and reaffirm our love and commitment again after that. And we'll go as long as I need. And as long as I'm abstaining she'll wait. In thr mean time we are only seeing each other every other day, so that we maintain some individuality and boundaries, and we don't start to fall into old habits.

    It feels good. I'm still a little nervous, like I'm waiting for a jump scare to pop out and ruin everything. And we are pretty up and down sometimes. But I think we're off to a good start. I talked a lot about balance between life and recovery last night at group and I got a lot of good feedback on how people have made it work for themselves. It's tough. But doable.

    Another weird thing going on is that my sponsor has been really hard to get a hold of. On top of that, I came to realize he is pushing really hard against anything involving Her. Even going so far as to imply that She is playing me. Honestly. He has no business in the bubble of "My life" he only gets to know about them if they affect the bubble of "my recovery". And right now I think he's looking at my whole life as a necessary and proper clause for him to step in and pass judgement. Which is funny cause he at Ikea me as a small government type guy. I'm going to let the relationship counselor who is trained at this handle my relationship issues. And I'll talk to my sponsor about recovery and the materials I'm working through. If he can't accept those boundaries, then I'm going to tell him to hit the road and I'll find a new sponsor.

    Today I'm feeling capable.

    The End of All Things is just the Beginning
     
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  17. GPKanklez

    GPKanklez Fapstronaut

    *****Day10*****
    S=7
    P=9
    M=9
    O=0

    Daily yesterday:
    Exercise=Y
    Journal=Y
    Eat=Y
    Call group member=Y
    Read on topic=Y
    *****
    Today was a busy day that didnt leave much time for journaling. I promised id post even if it was to say nothing, so im doing that now, tomorrows post should cover a lot of the previous two days.
     
  18. GPKanklez

    GPKanklez Fapstronaut

    *****Day11*****
    S=8
    P=10
    M=10
    O=1

    The last two days have been... something.

    I did eventually get ahold of my sponsor, and he really pushed back hard against the idea of me doing anything with Her. He pushed and continues to push for the idea that sex is a part of me acting out. And I just don't see it. I know that I've done some stupid and risky things before in my past as far as O with others, but my addiction has always been fixated on porn. Not affairs, or prostitutes, or anything like that which I have heard in group sessions. So, for me the ultimate goal is positive, connecting O with a committed partner. And I think that's Her. We went to a counselor yesterday, and it was very positive. The counselor agrees that what physical connection we have is coming from a positive place (an opinion my sponsor doesn't share, who immediately discounted her opinion because she isn't licensed in Sex Addiction). Though We acknowledged that it was starting to border on unhealthy, and such we've redoubled on the Fast, because it will serve as a second "getting to know you" phase of the relationship in addition to a good rewiring time for me. We've set a goal of a month. But we're staying with the recommitting 7 days at a time.

    She's having a rough time now though. We've been limiting seeing each other to every other day. And on the off days she has had a ROUGH time. Empty hours are killing her because she doesn't have a support system to reach out to. Maybe she can have one by this weekend. I can't help her the way that someone who has been through her situation can. She's had two breakdowns this week, each on the off days where we couldn't see each other, and I think that is definitely no accident. Once was when I was driving to a gaming meet up, the other was today on the way home from group. She was crying alone in her room, and I couldn't help, at least not in the I can make it better sense. I could just be there. Maybe that's all I really need to do. Eventually after enough talking and texting she did calm down (though I'll never know how much effect I had, or even if I helped at all) and we had a nice conversation, and she's feeling hopeful about going to a support group for these moments.

    I'm working through the literature recommended to me, and as I progress in those books I may have more to say about them, and about my past and thus how to fix my future. The books are having me focus on my childhood and how my experience and trauma there led me to the point where I depended on P to cope, and from there that is a way forward. It's dealing with root causes and not just symptoms as I understand it, which makes sense.

    These last days have been a bit more difficult to focus on my routine, I'm barely squeaking in some important activities and last night I made my first "I can't post" post. I think that this is a natural side effect of adding in a fledgling relationship. It was one of my first questions at group, "How do you balance life and recovery, when you can't have a life without recovery but without recovery there is no life?". And I'm experiencing my first challenge on that front. She and I are starting to focus on our relationship, and that naturally means I'm going to have less time and energy for other things, recovery included.

    Honestly, My recovery has felt a little....Easy. And it's making me uneasy. I catch myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't have very many long term goals left, having withdrawn from school. The contract for my work is up soon too so I don't have that to occupy my time or attention long term. I've resolved to find a second job, and I have a promising lead. I'm just having a hard time reconciling the "focus on one day at a time" attitude that has served me well so far with the long term planning required for... y'know...life. I'm also feeling as though I really need to set some long term goals to stick to regardless of relapse, like moving out. Which is probably a good one to have in mind as eventually that will be the most healthy thing for me.

    I think I should make my room a priority for myself right now. When I moved in it was almost uninhabitable, I had to make space to lay down a twin mattress amongst the wreckage that was my old bedroom become a storage room. I did always say when I moved in with Her and Her family that I would come back and fix it up. So, it feels good to be making good on that promise, but it also feels like a very direct metaphor for my life. It was so cluttered and messed up, I barely had room to rest much less feel comfortable there. But as I worked, it reached the point where I'm at now, it is clean, everything that wasn't mine to deal with that was in the way is now in the hands of other people, I sold a bunch of shit I didn't need anymore, and now it's a place I'm comfortable even if I don't quite have everything in my room squared away. Right now, there are swatches of paint on the wall so I can try and envision what the room will look like when I'm done painting it. And it feels very much like I am right now, I just can't imagine what my future looks like. I stare and stare and I like the colors but I just can't decide how to arrange them to my liking, much less the process of coating the entire room in those colors. I have my daily life down, but now I need to start looking ahead. I can't watch my feet as I walk forever, eventually I have to look up and figure out where I'm going.

    Today I'm feeling contemplative.

    The End of All Things is just the Beginning
     
  19. GPKanklez

    GPKanklez Fapstronaut

    *****Day12*****
    S=9
    P=11
    M=11
    O=0

    Daily yesterday:
    Exercise=Y
    Journal=Y
    Eat=Y
    Call group member=N (talked at meeting)
    Read on topic=Y
    *****
    Today was a busy day that didnt leave much time for journaling. I promised id post even if it was to say nothing, so im doing that now.
     
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  20. GPKanklez

    GPKanklez Fapstronaut

    *****Day13*****
    S=10
    P=12
    M=12
    O=1

    Daily yesterday:
    Exercise=Y
    Journal=Y
    Eat=Y
    Call group member=Y
    Read on topic=Y
    *****

    So I'm barely getting this post in under the wire, I had a meeting this morning that was really good. But then I golfed with my brother which took 6 hours and I had dinner with some of his friends and we played a board game. That took quite literally all day with driving.

    Yesterday was also a good day. I spent it with Her and the friend of mine who got dragged into our nonsense when I relapsed. We wanted to make it up to her for everything, so we took her out for ice cream and had a great time. We introduced her to how tarot cards worked and I did a reading of her, which as far as I can tell is the first time I've read cards for someone else aside from me. She was so enthusiastic about how it came out that she took a picture of the cards and posted it to social media. That was really nice and I felt like we repaired what damage had been done there.

    Then later that night my O reset. It is just so hard to prioritize that for me. It is a positive source of dopamine, like any other thing that's good for me, but we're going to just take it one visit at a time. We're still only seeing each other every other day, and we're going to promise we won't O together just the next time we spend time together. The longer we go the better but ultimately the choice is up to us for when we're ready.

    Today was great for Her though, she went to her first meeting with a support group and it was great. She got a lot of enthusiastic support and everything got put into perspective for her as far as how we're handling it, and how we actually caught this problem early and are dealing with it. She has some literature to read, and some numbers to call if things get stressful for her. She doesn't have a sponsor yet, but she has some other groups to check out before she chooses.

    Didn't call my sponsor today, I did however spend a long time talking to people at group, so while I will mark an N on calling people tomorrow, I did reach out to the community and I got more numbers to call in case I need someone to talk to. I also did technically do literature work at group, though it was only on one small paragraph in a book. So I'm still going to try and read some before midnight.

    Today I'm feeling content and stretched a little thin

    The End of All things is just the Beginning
     
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