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The cravings might have slightly returned.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by MasterRoshi, Sep 13, 2018.

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  1. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    i had some thoughts today that I haven’t had in a while, and it produced memories of porn I’ve warched in the past. And when the memories came into my head, my stomach got those exciting butterfly feeling from before.

    This scares the crap out of me!

    I definitely don’t have the same connection to these cravings. Meaning they aren’t really a craving, more of a thought rather than an impulsive urge. But today the intensity of these thoughts is greater.

    I’ve been under the understanding recently that PMO addiction has a lot to do with how I’m feeling emotionally. And I do have a lot going on in my life that’s provoking intense emotions, mainly anxiety and huge life growing pains.

    I just wish this would go away and I wouldn’t have to feel them. Or that my brain could somehow be cleansed of all the old filth so I wouldn’t have anything to remember.

    My program of recovery is diverse and involves 12 step work, going to SAA meetings, journaling, meditation, exercise, eating healthy, being honest, and talking openly on nofap and with SAA friends.

    So I’m just posting this to look for support and understanding. So I can be honest about what I’m feeling rather than succumb to pride, thinking I have to be cured since I’ve been sober for a while.

    The truth is I’m not out of the woods yet, and PMO is very much something that my brain automatically wants to seek out.

    It really bugs me that my brain still looks for comfort in the disturbing taboo PMO genres of my past, such as creepshot and other violating genres, but I spent many many years viewing that stuff. And I spent the last 2-3 years religiously viewing it multiple hours every day, so I’m bound to dream about it, daydream about it, think about it, have visual memories about it, and find it arousing still on some level, because that stimuli association has been wired into my brain over many many years and I have to slowly rewire it.

    Since starting a new job 2 weeks ago, my stress level is high, I have less time to focus on recovery activities, and also just less time to think about recovery. I’m also experiencing intense social anxiety from years of PMO isolation, so throwing myself into the war zone (work) is very intense. All of this is bound to trigger my old defense habits of isolation, procrastination, and the urge to run from life by using worldly pleasures as an escape such as porn and food.

    It’s a marathon race and this is just the next stage. I need to keep doing my daily work, stay aware of my addiction and be honest about the ups and downs. There’s no way I can do this while I’m silence. I can’t control my addiction. I need to communicate my thoughts to others as apart of my recovery plan.

    Thanks all for listening.
     
  2. We're with you in this. Know exactly how you feel. Been doing very good since mid August but I know full well the feelings can come back at any time. One thing I've been learning is not to fear a stumble. Stumbles can help us learn what to do next time we're in that situation.

    I don't want to give advice since I feel like I do it too often and there's already a lot of it out there. Just keep coming back and remember that we are all in this together and we are working towards perfection.

    (Hmmm maybe I did give advice in this post???).

    Anyhow, thanks for all your posts on this site and encouragement as well.
     
    MasterRoshi likes this.
  3. TheManDude

    TheManDude Fapstronaut

    We're here for you man and it sounds like you're having a rough time but I admire you have such a good insight on what you're going thru and what is making those cravings appear again, don't give in to them man, you got this.

    I know you can get over this, keep on going and good luck brother!
     
    MasterRoshi and Deleted Account like this.
  4. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    I'd like your post, but I just ran up against the 50 likes in 12 hours limit :/ Stay strong! Great job on 173 days.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Thanks all. The craving has subsided to normal. But the stressers are still here. I did notice my reaction to the stress is much more reasonable. Instead of reacting immediately I can have a more level head around it. Slowly but surly there’s progress.
     

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