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The blame game

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by BB7378, Jul 17, 2018.

  1. Jul 17, 2018 #1
    BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

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    Something my wife and I are struggling with at the moment is the resentment I had towards her. I blamed her for everything and resented her and used that resentment to PMO.

    We are both at different points my wife is finding it very difficult to get past the fact that I was hating on her and I used that hatred as an excuse to pmo. So it is obviously very hard to look at that and try to get past it. I was supposed to give her love and security but instead o have her lies and deception. I can see that it would take a massive effort on my part to try and make any kind of amends. And I can see from my wife's point of view she must be thinking how can I live a life with someone who hated me for so long.

    And I am struggling to deal with it from my point of view. I didn't see it as I was hating on her. There where the obvious rationalizations on my part. No one gets hurt, it's only p. But I was hating on her and I'm finding it very hard to accept that it was a lot of hate.

    But from some of the things we have been talking about the last few days I started to think is all p born out of resentment. Surely there must be something PA's are not happy with in the relationship so they start to act out. How many PA's blamed there SO for there pmo or used there SO as an excuse for their pmo?
     
    BB7378, Jul 17, 2018
    BB7378, Jul 17, 2018
    #1
  2. Jul 17, 2018 #2
    Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    My husband had a lot of resentment for me stemming from many different areas. He blamed me for basically everything for a very long time. He couldn’t get past his shame and guilt, it was my fault. The self preservation through gaslighting, somehow my fault too.
    Failed infertility (amazingly enough he never stopped PMO) but it was my fault, it was my fault he wanted a younger woman to impregnate with incredibly bad rationale on the blame game with this one.
    I was frigid, not fit enough, gained 5lbs and not attractive. I didn’t know how to love or know what romance was. I sucked at certain things in the sack. I had poor tast men including him, it was my fault I was him since he “was an asshole”. In the end it wasn’t just porn, he escalated into real life and it was my fault too. It was truly hard for me and shut me down before I even knew it. Drawn out emotional abuse over years from his resentment and contempt he developed for me.
    It took an incredibly long time for him have the self accountability. Interesting was when going through workbooks he stopped and actually stated “most of our relationship problems were because of me and my behaviors”. I was actually stunned that he not just realized it but acknowledged it to me openly. I was impressed and a huge sense of relief that he finally saw that.
    Thankfully this all changed since DDay #2. He’s made incredible changes that I even underestimated. The biggest was letting go of the self preservation. He had given me many reasons to leave him and now he’s giving me the reasons to stay.
     
    Jennica, Jul 17, 2018
    Jennica, Jul 17, 2018
    #2
    BB7378 likes this.
  3. Jul 17, 2018 #3
    souvlakispacestation

    souvlakispacestation Fapstronaut

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    souvlakispacestation, Jul 17, 2018
    souvlakispacestation, Jul 17, 2018
    #3
    BB7378 likes this.
  4. Jul 19, 2018 #4
    BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

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    This is what I have done to my wife. I feel so shitty about it. My wife thinks the bas feelings are for me myself though. I just want to do the right thing. I don't think I'm looking hard enough at myself or my actions or why I'm doing them
     
    BB7378, Jul 19, 2018
    BB7378, Jul 19, 2018
    #4
    Jennica likes this.
  5. Jul 19, 2018 #5
    BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

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    BB7378, Jul 19, 2018
    BB7378, Jul 19, 2018
    #5
    souvlakispacestation likes this.

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