The best ongoing struggle that ever happened to me...day 85

Hi,

first of all, thanks for this great forum, i don´t know if i would have made it to this day, day 85 without you guys and NoFap. Allthough i haven’t posted a lot i have drawn so much energy, motivation and faith from the posts and stories that made my journey easier. SO THANKS FOR THAT, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!

About my journey....

85 days ago, i finally began my real journey. I had some 25 days streaks before but never made it past that. I also don´t want to bullshit you about some glorious, easy going path, you just can walk on. Seriously, quiting porn was and is the hardest thing i´ve ever done in my life. And you won´t get a lot of appreciation from anybody, besides the people you find thrustworthy enough (few) and you have no shame from telling (even fewer).

Additionally, you have triggers everywhere. Even right now, while i am at work, my company phone right next to me is a challenge, there is a lot of explicit content everywhere, youtube, vimeo,... If your unconsciousness wants to find porn, it will.

And what´s the benefit of quitting porn ? - for me personally overcoming porn is not climbing the mountain, it is just getting to the mountain. When you quit porn, you are really able to start working on yourself but that itself is a huge challenge. Then you get the reminder for all the things you never though of because you where busy watching porn and masturbating. Like having a social life, to have friends, to talk and pick up girls...

I know this might sound harsh, but it´s a real addiction and so there is nothing to be all nice about it. If you don´t commit to it 100 %, you will fail.

You will have to give up a lot, just to get a chance to become how you really destined to be.

Now is it worth it going down that road - absolutly, every second of quitting porn makes you stronger, confident, dedicated and gets you to the edge of the mountain, the mountain of your life.

A mountain i haven´t seen in 5 years. 5 years where my perfectly natural sex life ended, when i feel from the mountain, into the deepest of all holes, with only darkness around me. I used to love sex, beeing intimate with a women...i lost that feeling, i got ED instead...nice huh...a constant loneliness around me...

So here i am, standing in front of the mountain, alone, because even if you have this awesome forum , great friends, and/or an understanding family, in the end, it is always your journey and nobody elses. I don´t know if i ever get cured of my ED (although i made huge progress), if the urges ever stop. But that doesn´t matter, it´s all about trying, trying as hard as you can and having faith, faith is everything. when you commit you will see the benefits - like starting to work out at 6 o´clock in the morning, enjoy life, enjoy beauty, getting a promotion, accepting who you are, for what you are - amazing.

Doesn´t matter if your religious or not, do something you haven´t done in a long time, believe in yourself, stop making excuses, go on start your own journey...

Good luck to all of you....

 

I relapsed after I quit my job in October, struggled for a couple of months, got back on track. I’ve had a good streak now, got a great new gig at a cool company. No ED at all, still, like you wrote in your journal, anxiety when being with a girl. I have blockers on all my devices, use Facebook and YouTube only at work. Quiet but enjoyable life

 

Hey, sry for the late reply, Jupe...Mel Robbins once said, you cannot change your triggers but your behavior. Change your behavior, so leave your phone or laptop out of your bedroom. Become Aware of your behavior, when do you act out and what do you do. Accept your urges but build a counter-behavior.

 

Hey, that is a really great question. To be honest, in my case, there is a life before my ED, there is a life with porn and there is a life without porn. The only reason I wanted to quit porn was my ED. What I discovered is that in my life without porn, I was able to deal with my emotions and I accomplished a lot (graduation from college, talk to people more openly, enjoy the moment). What I learned after I relapsed over and over again is that I can life with porn and still be happy and love myself. But it isn’t as much fun, I have mood swings, need more sleep have not as much drive, want to be alone. So for me that is what I strife for.

I’m not sure if I understand your question correctly, to quit everything and focus on it for once at for all. In my understanding you have to be honest with yourself (I watched a lot of porn and told myself I can quit tommorow, or to get a understanding what triggers you and act different) and the second thing I would say is own the day. Like, be who you wanna be for one day. Like I want to love myself (hard), learn new things, be a good son for my mum, a great brother to my collegues, I want to laugh, enjoy the moment, travel. That why I wanted to quit and try everything to keep it like that, find your goals and than take it day by day! But tell me more about your situation

 

Hey John, thanks, you will. The cool thing is, every day that you live by your rules and live in the way you want to live your life gets you closer, own today my man