The balance between understanding PA and becoming fully empathetic with the SO's pain

I wonder if the understanding we gain about ourselves as we battle through the addiction puts us in a better place for understanding, sympathising with, and helping our partners. I feel like I have more emotional intelligence now, but that might be a delusion

 

Yes I am having a lot of this with my wife at the moment. Where she feels I don't fully get her pain. I don't think I do or will ever fully understand her pain but I want to try the best I can. I think it seems from various treads and journals that there seems to be a distinct lack of empathy in PA's. And this is something I still struggle with at times.

 

I think I partially agree with @kropo82 but at the same time, it is difficult for the SO to believe that as it is us that has made them feel that way in the first place.

I also agree with @TryingHard2Change that recovering from PA and recovering a relationship are two entirely different tasks that need work on (obviously recovering from PA will help heal the relationship, but is not the only thing that needs to be done).

In my case, things outside of the PA were not great (my communication was terrible, and I would often concentrate on other things, such as my phone or TV when she was talking, things which I have begun to address). I think this stuff beyond PA also impacts on how our SO's judge how well we understand and appreciate their pain.

 

I think you’re a good example of this. You’re doing well in your own recovery, but your wife is suffering as much or more than ever. Your recovery had to happen first. Otherwise, you would have continued down the path of destroying your wife and marriage. Can you understand her? Only if she tells you. And then, only to a limited extent. You will never see it entirely from her perspective. Nor will she see it from yours.You both need to recognize that and give the other some space and grace. It seems like you’re getting lots of insights in that direction lately.

 

This seems as good a place as any to post this on a day 119 of an unknown number hardmode pmo having a tough time anyone give me any hope for direction on this please help 911
Maybe you don't understand I cry all the time so I'm thinking it is to thread of God that's hanging on to me right now me and my wife just had some Revelations again talking about our relationship and her response to sex in the near future and how that would proceed and mine and we are so polar opposite I feel like it's driving a wedge between us instead of bringing us together I have a strong sex drive she does not anything within the confines of marriage is supposed to be okay per the Bible? But it has to be mutual? How is that defined do we need to write it out? Do we just clumsily go into it and hurt each other? I guess I'm in an impasse a guy wants to fix things and needs the physical connection of sex a woman needs the emotional contact of sex but she's holding a big jar of resentment because of our past, and I don't know how to proceed? Up to this point I've always had space and where we're going and what the process is and now I'm questioning it again your thoughts?