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that permanent sadness inside.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Joe dalton, May 4, 2017.

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  1. Joe dalton

    Joe dalton Fapstronaut

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    hey guys.

    my name is Joe im 25 years old and want to share my thoughts about the addiction and the effects on my life with you, i hope im on the right forum, if not feel free to move this thread to the right section. BTW sorry for my bad English. thx

    im 25 years now and at a point in my life where i can view back and see what happened to me in that long therm of addiction.

    i was confronted with that material at the age of 12 i think, at a friends house, his father had those magazines and we wanted to know whats in there, i dont know what happened to me but i felt strange after that, at the same moment i started explore my own body and began fapping, first without videos and when i got my own computer of course with videos. that is a long time ago but i can still remember.
    since then i have this permanent sadness in me and when i have no distraction i feel very lonely and bored and since then i see women like objects. perfect for a 12 year old to grow up with this point of view in the head :)

    i dont want to be arrogant.

    Im a good looking guy with a lot of friends and im very social, many ppl like me for who i am, i always had super girlfriends and even now since 2 years i got the best girl i ever met in my life, i got so many things i can be happy about, i travel around the world i got a good job etc, but even with all of that im not really happy.

    an example: i had a perfect day/night whatever with everything i want, but 1 hour after that beautiful time , i felt empty again and try but cant be really thankful for the beautiful moments. its like i consume feelings to fill my soul up but it doesn't work like that, my mother and girlfriend can tell me 1000 times how much they love me, it isn't enough to fill me up, so the problem is me, i am the problem, the things ive done in my life are the problems, i did so many stupid things, even criminal activities and at the end its like a supermarket, u cant take everything and walk out without paying the price.

    and that is what im doing right now im paying the price for the things ive done.

    i changed my self, ive got rid of so many bad things ive said sorry to so many ppl but there i still one thing i never realized..the fapping is the reason why i feel that empty.

    of course i could feel happy and i am in someway and of course i act like i am happy because i know how much effort my friends and family put in the time they spent with me but deep down in my soul i still feel empty.

    in all my relationships with my girlfriends i had amazing bedtime with them but after that i went fapping to the videos in the internet, i remember i wasn't able to make love with my girlfriends because of the things i saw at young age, i was thinking thats the way s.. is working and i even enjoyed it but after that i felt empty, i didn't felt connected with the girl and i was hurting many girls just because i wasn't able to feel. 2 years ago i came together with that wonderful girl and i wasn't able to get my penis up to sleep with her, and she is very beautiful.

    at the beginning of our relationship she was curious about why i dont want to sleep with her, after 1 month i told her the truth about my problem and addiction, she understood and helped me a lot.

    that was because i had that fake reality in my head, so i started search on the internet for a solution, i found Viagr.a and everything but i didn't want to take it because im not impotent, very fast i found nofap and was reading everything about it. i managed to quit that stuff for 4 months but not because of the inner emptiness, just because i wanted to sleep with her, after 4 months i slept the first time with her and it was the most amazing thing i ever experienced, i never felt something like that, it felt so real so true so wonderful, but soon after that i started watching porn again and forgot everything about it.

    pretty soon the bedtime with my girlfriend went from amazing to just normal and i felt disconnected again, she is still happy with our s..life but im not, only because i want that stuff that i saw in the videos and this affects our relationship in a very bad way, i see that if i dont stop it our beautiful almost perfect relationship will break and all because of me.

    i want to put the effort in to save my relationship.


    and now here i am again.

    not because i cant get hard.

    because i cant get happy, feel empty, nothing has a color, nothing exciting in my life, i consume everything.

    and i know fapping is the reason for that.

    i dont know why i write this, maybe because i think it will help me to share my story.

    i want to become able to feel again.

    those videos are brainhazard, because they do movies at everyplace, at busplaces,at workplaces etc.. just everywhere, so u allways think about it, even when u go to work it triggers you or even when u take the bus or a flight.

    its time to change and get free.
     
  2. We are all with you, friend.

    You are very much at the prime of your life, but don't let the fact that you are not enjoying it at the moment depress you.

    A change of direction, a correction of some of the bad, self negating habits is just what you need, and this forum and this Rebooting is a good place to start.

    Exercise more. Spend more time with your girl and watch her beauty. That as you know is real and the video's are a fake fantasy which is not.

    Keep strong. Practice calm breathing, meditation, yoga, exercise, Tai chi - whatever connects you to the now.
     
    LivinginRecovery and Joe dalton like this.
  3. Joe dalton

    Joe dalton Fapstronaut

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    thank you so much, you dont know how uplifting that is for me.
     
    JamesD and LivinginRecovery like this.
  4. You are going to be awesome.

    Respect your problem with PMO addiction, but don't fear it outright.

    Look it in the eye, see the shameful, secret, smutty side to it and say "I'm bigger than you and going to beat you. Just watch me"

    Keep us posted..
     
  5. How are you getting on?

    Are you going easy on yourself and slowing down, taking time to really notice things, the beautiful, small things in life?

    Keep at this. There is abundant, colour, beauty and love in this world.

    When i was your age (i am now in my 40's) i too had the world at my feet, but was not happy. Its a difficult time, you need to learn a lot about YOU.

    Ask yourself straight questions and give Honest direct answers. You will break through these clouds.
     
    Joe dalton likes this.
  6. yellow flowers

    yellow flowers Fapstronaut

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    Lets do it together bro..we all stand with you :)
     
    jest and Joe dalton like this.
  7. Joe dalton

    Joe dalton Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much!!
     
  8. zero_to_hero

    zero_to_hero Fapstronaut

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    Exactly, That permanent sadness which you describe hits harder on people, it depends, in my case, I got depresion, severe anxiety (I could not eat or drink during the fight agains my triggered urge), Could not get hard and would not socialize. I find also true what you point out about the places and situations where the videos are filmed that produce a high trigger ratio in one's personal life.

    The only path here is to fight it. In my case It's been 2 years fighting urges, I got 6 month p free which everything started to restore itself, (erections, socialisation, eating, more concentration, better grades, physicall gains) but then I relapsed and everything got worse. It is funny to see which is the logic and reasonable path to take but not being able to follow it. However the only thing that led me to 6 month p free was fight and so the only way that you or anyone would be ever if is to fight. To fight every urge. To learn why the urge was triggered and take measures. To learn which is the underlying reason for you to see porn. To learn to love when the urge kicks hard and you resist.

    You will now follow a path in which even if you fail infinite times, you could yet still try again.
     
    Birthoftension, jest and Joe dalton like this.
  9. Joe dalton

    Joe dalton Fapstronaut

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    Hey springjim :)

    Finaly i found the time to write you back.
    I work as a souschef in a kitchen so sometimes i have no time and no concentration

    Im doing very well, i feel great, right after i wrote this text i felt so good, i think it is because i changed my state of mind and that lifted me so up.

    Since im aware of that i enjoy the time with my lady so much more, i see her beauty again and im able to feel her love!
    I was so happy with her in my arms.

    I went out with friends a few times and i really felt happy with them i tried to notice all the good things, like u said, and i was more active ,i went to thaiboxing and mma again and my brain was 100% there. No brainfog.

    Yesterday i went with my girl to a bday party and i was making jokes all the time it was so easy to talk and interact with everyone, i never had problems with that but i know moments when i start felling anxious and nervous for no reasons.

    All in all im feeling great and how the wimen outside look at me is amazing

    So springjim pls tell me more about you.

    Thank you so much for your help.
     
    yellow flowers likes this.
  10. Fightthedevil

    Fightthedevil Fapstronaut

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    i want to put the effort in to save my relationship.


    and now here i am again.

    not because i cant get hard.

    because i cant get happy, feel empty, nothing has a color, nothing exciting in my life, i consume everything.

    and i know fapping is the reason for that.

    i dont know why i write this, maybe because i think it will help me to share my story.

    i want to become able to feel again.

    those videos are brainhazard, because they do movies at everyplace, at busplaces,at workplaces etc.. just everywhere, so u allways think about it, even when u go to work it triggers you or even when u take the bus or a flight.

    its time to change and get free.[/QUOTE]

    We are here brother.Just remember that at any point of your life you have the power,the power to say no that is not how my story ends.If you need an accountability partner feel free to dm me.Good luck brother,peace out.
     
    Joe dalton and LivinginRecovery like this.
  11. Joe dalton

    Joe dalton Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much
     
  12. Joe dalton

    Joe dalton Fapstronaut

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    We are here brother.Just remember that at any point of your life you have the power,the power to say no that is not how my story ends.If you need an accountability partner feel free to dm me.Good luck brother,peace out.[/QUOTE]
    Thank you a lot!

    I will :)
     
  13. Joe dalton

    Joe dalton Fapstronaut

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    Man that sounds hard.

    But im sure you are stronger than your urges, i mean if you did it 6 months you can do it forever.

    The problem is after we stay away from that material we forget how poisones it is and thats where you need to think about the great benefits u got from beeing abstinent. The first time i did it i wrote all the good benefits on a paper and was reading it every morning, and when i wantet to watch a "movie" i was reading it and did pushups...

    With alkohol drugs and cigarettes its the same system..i quit smoking 4 years ago and the hardest part was 6 months after i stopped because i forgot how bad it was , the longer u think about to smoke one the more reasons u get and the more u think you get from that one cigarette , and thats the part we need to fight.

    I hope you understand what i mean with my bad englisch we need to fight and to fight against our urges and addictions is a good feeling, we are men we are born to fight we didnt learn how to walk to get down on the floor. To fight is in our dna our blood. Unleash beast mode because u are the man in your life. Amen
     
  14. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

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    You are suffering from a serious case of fapping induced brain fog. You have to read up on yourbrainonporn section where you mess up your reward circuitry in your brain by continuing to fap despite the fact that you're way past being sexually satiated.

    What happens when you ejaculate too much?
     
    Joe dalton likes this.
  15. JamesD

    JamesD Fapstronaut

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    A powerful post and some really good comments. Thank you.

    I find that I suffer feelings of being 'flat' and depression. Sadly it is a chicken and the egg problem. When I feel sad, I often don't have the strength to resist. But it is the not resisting that changes me to make me feel tired, flat and depressed. The cycle goes on.

    I am trying to work hard at this. I want to be happy again.

    I wish you success too. You sound like a great guy.
     
  16. Joe dalton

    Joe dalton Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your comment.
    Everytime someone writes to me i feel more like iam not alone. Thank you.

    You will do it, you are stronger than your urges. The more u fight the stronger you get, its all about diszipline, learn to enjoy the fight

    Tell me more about you.

    Cheers.

    Joe
     
    JamesD likes this.
  17. zero_to_hero

    zero_to_hero Fapstronaut

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    Agree with all you posted but I quote specially that part. Exactly thinking about all the benefits you have obtained from fighting your urges and keeping yourself above them makes you understand that relapsing again it is just not worth it at all. It is like changing a mountain of gold for a dust of diamond. It is simply not worth it. This is when you receive positive reinforcement and so you win against the urge forverer until someday there exist no urge.
     
  18. yellow flowers

    yellow flowers Fapstronaut

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    One thing that i have noticed is the moment you consciously identify the root cause of some issue it quickly dispels the brain fog.
     
    Joe dalton likes this.
  19. jojosaha

    jojosaha Fapstronaut

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    porn is normal ..masturbation is normal..girs are normal...regret is normal...so move on bi@#$....
     
    Joe dalton likes this.
  20. We all deserve some joy in our life. Move on mate! You're not alone! We are fighting our wars too! And we must be victorious
     
    Joe dalton likes this.

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