Talking to the addict

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Amaterasus, Feb 15, 2019.

  1. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So last night my partner struggled with hes addiction, ge both talked about it and read some threads here on Nofap and thats good.

    The problem is when he came across a thread about not quiting porn cold turkey. And when he told me about this i could sence from the way he was acting and talking that this was hes adiction speaking. Trying to rationalise this as a good idé to both himself and me.

    My reaction to it was more or less to beat sence into him with words. But i hold back becuse getting angry to that point isnt helpfull so i ended up trying to explain how i felt about it and how i thought he should feel about it.

    In the end i got somewhat of an agrement that it doesnt work but i still got a feeling that in the back of his mind the thought lingers, and that makes me belive hes closer to a relaps.

    My question in all this is how do you handle this sort of situation, when you are talking to the addict part of your partner that is trying to find a way out. Should you show your anger? Or be calm? And should we talk about this subject or focus more on the boundries and rules we got?
     
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  2. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I was just gona add to my own post that right now walking past his computer hes reading another tread about porn-subs and using them to quit porn...so definetly the adiction looking for a way out.

    But yea i think i should focus more on our bounderies then try to explain that all those ides are bad in so many ways. I think that will be the best way to handle this.
     
  3. Agonist

    Agonist Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately, once an addict finds a justification to use, it's nearly impossible to talk them out of it. The primal brain is too powerful. You are right to be angry but your anger will not yield the results you desire. Your best bet is to plant seeds of logic and hope that they grow over time. At the end of the day, if he isn't committed to quitting porn then he isn't going to quit, and nothing you say to him will change that. He has to find it within himself to realize that he has no other choice. Quit porn or die. The mentality has to be that dire.

    In any case, if he really plans to follow through with weening himself off, he needs to come up with a regimented plan. He can't just go by feel. Ie, week 1: porn once per day, week 2: porn eod, week 3: porn twice a week, week 4: porn once, week 5: come off, etc. I'm not saying that's a good template - it's just an example. I don't think it's going to work, but unfortunately he may have to find that out for himself before he makes the right decision. When I'm in a relationship, my willingness to please my partner is my "do or die" motive, so it always surprises me when guys in relationships aren't committed to quitting. To me, it's much more understandable when a single guy who's never gotten much action keeps rationalizing, because he doesn't easily have access to other resources for sexual release.
     
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  4. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I get the part about the problem talking to someone that have made up their mind and agree.

    But the part of slowly quiting porn isnt something that fits with what either me or my partner wants. He is comitted to not use porn or porn-subs, but that doesnt mean that he doesnt struggle like last night.

    And even though it was a hard situation last night i am happy that he talked to me, becuse a few moths ago he wouldnt do that and problable relaps instead.
     
  5. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Feels good to have a plan, and i have told my partner about it. Depending on how much the addict part shows we try to talk about the subject. If that doesnt work i remind him about or boundries and we discuss it later when hes mind is more clear.
     
  6. Agonist

    Agonist Fapstronaut

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    It's great that he's being open with you, and it likely means you've done your part to be supportive. I agree weening off is a horrible idea and that he shouldn't do it. All I'm saying is that if he does go through with it, he should at least execute it in the best possible way. Every endeavor taken to quit culminates into an eventual success. If he does try to ween himself off using a structured program, he most likely won't succeed (cold turkey is best), but it will still contribute to the greater good of trying to quit. Some day, he most likely will for good. If his mind isn't yet bent on weening himself off, then that's good. You can probably talk him down the edge. Show him this thread. Us experienced addicts can help him.
     
  7. YourWayDoesntWork-MyTurn!

    YourWayDoesntWork-MyTurn! New Fapstronaut

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    Sorry newbie here, I'm trying to figure out all the lingo here. What's PMO? Any help on others would be appreciated.
     
  8. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    Thanks @GhostWriter I'm new around here, and I had noticed that a few of the things recommended seemed a little... unconventional. I'm really glad it's not just me that thinks they're dumb.
     
  9. Thanks for this thread.

    Just my 2c worth of advice:

    1. As a pmo addict, for me step one was realising that I was very sick. Pmo addiction is an illness, our brains have taken a wrong turn. If something is making you sick, you don't keep using it. So absolutely going cold turkey is the only way to go. There are many guys on here who are more addicted to psubs than p itself. So your husband has to acknowledge first he is ill. Then, and only then, can he get better. This is what started me on the road to recovery.

    2. He needs a plan. Once he acknowledges that he is unwell, and that there is a way through this, he needs to commit one hundred percent to getting better. That means he has to make this central to his life: it's more important than his job. If he wants to keep you and his real life, then this has to be his #1 priority in the next year. Simple as that. I always say this: if I spend a day doing nothing but staying clean it has been a wonderful day.

    3. If and when he is ready to get better, if and when he (and you) have a plan, then it starts. Totally. It becomes central to everything. This may even mean taking a vacation at the start where there is zero internet access (for example). But change is happening one way or another. There is no going back.
     
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