Talked to my father about internet addiction

In the last few days I've tried to make a serious effort to take a look at what my problem could be beyond what I already thought it was (some form of depression) and I was surprised to learn that I exhibit a lot (and I mean A LOT) of the same traits as people with high functioning autism. Now these traits are very mild compared to some others I have seen (I've known a lot of people with autism throughout my life, some high functioning some not) but I think they should be considered, obviously I dont want to have anything like that at all but at the same time it would explain a lot of things.

 

In many ways, the autism spectrum is incomplete. By that I mean that each and every human is comprised of both a physical body and a set of mental rules (hardware and software, so to speak). The autism spectrum is really a set of patterns that have been identified and organized into a cohesive classification method for the sake of providing assistance and care - that's it. Point is - the mechanisms that drive behavior (predisposition + environment) are common to all people; what varies is the (visible) impact on an individual's life. So, while you may not exhibit the level of behaviors/symptoms necessary for an official diagnosis, it's really that the spectrum itself ends too early, so to speak.
I referred to ADD earlier in this thread. ADD has been added to the autism spectrum as of a couple years ago (I'm pretty sure) - that disorder is a perfect example of what I'm referring to, since the diagnostic threshold is really simple: do the ADD symptoms/behaviors adversely impact your life? (cause tension in relationships, lead to poor performance at work, lead to risky behaviors, etc.). If yes: here's your diagnosis. The ADD symptoms/behaviors (mind wandering, stimulation-seeking, hyperfocus) are not inherently bad behaviors, they're just incompatible with today's highly structured society with 8 hour workdays, oodles of bills, thousands of grocery products to choose from, unlimited distractions from 24/7 media outlets - list goes on. And an ADDers mind is not AS adept at filtering all that shit out as a non-ADD mind.
Tying back to your comment: being "autistic" or "on the spectrum" or "ADD" is a label. Labels are useful to help identify and address problems. In your case, you're leveraging your exposure and knowledge of those traits to dig deeper into how to operate your brain, as the phrase goes. That's a great step and a great approach and you should continue pursuing for sure, unafraid of labels especially since you're just self exploring. Self awareness is critical, and immeasurably useful as we go through life (lol, says the guy that finally admitted to his own PMO addiction about 10 days ago!). Hell, anytime is a good time, but to begin this kind of honesty and self examination at 21: you have a kick ass advantage in that time is on your side. If you're interested, i could provide you a list of reading material that I have found useful, insightful, influential through the years. Naturally, being completely different people it might not have the same impact or resonance with you - but then again... maybe.

 

Well I think on a day to day basis these symptoms dont effect much, at least I dont think so, like I say a lot of them are so mild that they come across as "quirkiness" or "eccentricity". Sometimes though its quite clear if you observe with with objectivity (which we have already said a lot of people cant do), some of the symptoms are blindingly obvious. Some of the symptoms/issues are;

. The main one is that I stim (the act of stimulating yourself verbally or physically with a repetitive action), which was a thing I didn't even realise I did until I started to pay more attention to my behavior. I stim both physically and verbally, moving my arms around a lot in repetitive movements, rocking back and forth when agitated, repeating words and phrases all the time, etc. I usually only do this when alone however.

. I find social situations hard to the point I feel it goes beyond social anxiety. Dont get me wrong I do get anxious around new people but I mean shit, I get up and talk to groups as large as 100+ as part of my degree education, so I dont buy my own excuse of it "just" being anxiety anymore. I actively hate being in large groups in public to the point that unless someone is there with me when I go shopping in town, I will zoom around as fast as possible around the herds of people to get in and out asap. I only dont act like this if I've been to the place so many times that I'm used to it (for example a classroom/lab in the uni campus)

. I have my own very specific interests and find it hard to adapt to new situations to the point it distresses me, despite me being self aware of the irrationality of it. This one is tricky because I always just assumed I was stuck in my ways and I do think that contributes to it, but I like to stick to a routine and my own interests to the point I cant break free even if I want to.

. Lack of sexual drive/desire. I know NoFap has a part to play in this but at the same time, whether I'm relapsing daily or on a long streak, I have never been able to find the drive to care about these things. I've regularly had people tell me that I was being flirted with, or that some girl is checking me out, and honestly I'm oblivious to it, I dont notice these kinds of cues at all.

. When I get angry I get so angry that I have what amounts to an autistic meltdown albeit less severe. This one speaks for itself really.

Yeah, I guess when I write the symptoms down they do effect me more than I thought, I suppose I'm just so used to it that I never realised.

PS: Yes, I would love to take a look at some of the material you were referring to!

 

Even if you are not able to tell about it still admitting that you have problem with PMO is the starting point. After admitting it is time to fix the damage. I totally agree with what you posted... I feel like nofap is quite personal journey since rarely you can open about this type of thing. Lots of people masturbate and watch porn without too much problems but some do those things too much which leads to problems.

Good that there is places like this to understand these issues about yourself and read others experiences. I think it is about finding what is the poison that hurts you(porn or mastrubation) and after that just avoiding it.

 

very interesting (sorry to sound academic - Virgo analyzer ) I'll repeat one of the core ideas: self exploration leading to self awareness leads to self empowerment - so kudos! I apologize but after a horribly exhausting week at work I'm basically spent right now and need to unplug. Just had to do my daily check-in for the 7 day challenge, saw your reply, and don't want to half-ass a response to it. So, i'll reply properly soon - added a reminder to my to-do list In the meantime - hang in there and continue your pursuit!

 

Thanks a lot, and take your time, theres no rush!

 

Well, spiral – I don’t think you spiral as much as you may think! You seem pretty solid to me and it’s gr8 to meet you. Your musing was good to read, thanks.
All the best,
- Beach

 

Thanks, @Beach. Coincidentally (or maybe not) i fell off my wagon this weekend. Not sure exactly when it started, but i'm off - like waaay off the wagon. I apparently don't fall, i jump off my wagon. So, i appreciate the comment, but i very intently have to come back here and say i've relapsed this weekend on pretty much all facets i had been working on: proper eating, PMO'ing, sleeping in, and video games. They all go together like PB&J. Neurons that fire together, wire together!
So, back to square one. ... I invite you and @AtomicTango to my journal to continue the conversation there - feels like I (or we?) took over legolas' thread on family.