Taking It Slow?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by muterabbit, Jul 13, 2019.

  1. muterabbit

    muterabbit Fapstronaut

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    My introduction to sex was a crash course with my beautiful coworker who told me she secretly had a crush on me. That was fine with me, because I had a crush on her too. Two or three weeks later, we’re making out at her friend’s apartment complex, then I invite her over and nervously lose my virginity to her.

    I then proceed to get too enthusiastic about finally having a real romantic connection at 32, freak out when she starts ghosting me, and spend the next 6 months in hell trying to understand what happened and heal. We didn’t even make it to the dating phase.

    So there’s another coworker I like, and it might be my imagination, but I think there might be the slimmest possibility that she likes me too. My default assumption with any lady I like is that I’m probably just imagining things and she’s probably just being friendly, but now I’m not entirely clueless and now I can look back and see that there were some ladies who liked me or may have liked me.

    Whether or not my other coworker is interested in romance, how do I make a more personal connection with her? We’ve been friends on Facebook for a little while because of a friend invite she sent me, and I generally like what I see of her personality on there.

    The hard thing for me is I don’t want to show too much interest on Facebook or work and scare her off. We don’t talk much, but when we do, it’s usually the typical “Hi. How are you?” or some brief communication when we’re working together on something. Apparently she has some social anxiety too. Any ideas about how to break the ice?
     
  2. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    Two things: the girl and the others.

    Ask her for getting lunch together? Get to know what she likes, what she doesn't like. Ask questions, let her ask questions too. If you enjoyed her company, but truly enjoyed spending the time with her as a human being and not two sticks with a whole in between, then suggests that you go to lunch again sometime in the future. She's probably gonna say yes. Make it a regular deal, say on average once a week you have lunch or coffee together. After a few such lunches one of you is likely to make the next move, go for a walk together, go to a movie together, visit a museum etc. depends on what you two find you have in common. But don't change your way of being just to be with this girl, it's simply not worth it!

    About the other colleagues, don't focus your energy only on the girl. Go out for lunches with the others too and most importantly on what you want to do with your life, not what you believe she wants you to do with your life.

    Other things:
    - don't stalk her on Facebook, as this will give you wrong impressions about her life and you'll be disconnected from the person, while living with a fantasy in your head -> dead-end, will end up badly.
    - you are the most important person to yourself, no one else is.
    - when you take care of yourself, she'll take notice and she's likely to make the move towards being closer to you. I have never succeeded when I chased a girl, I always succeeded when I was chased.

    Good luck!
     
  3. muterabbit

    muterabbit Fapstronaut

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    I appreciate the suggestion, but that seems too forward. We don’t talk that much, but I’m going to have lunch with her? I’d like to talk more with her at work and on Facebook first before things move away from work, one-on-one. One of my friends told me that with a lady, you should go through stages: group activities, then hanging out one-on-one, then dates, then physical intimacy, then maybe a relationship if things go well.

    That’s something I need to work on in general. I tend to restrict my social life to a small handful of people instead of being open to everyone. I like the saying “A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet”. I work with an Irish guy who seems to embody that idea. I wish I was as friendly as him. I also need to figure out what I want to do with life; I’m something of a people-pleaser, and I leave myself open to suggestions about all sorts of things, often seeking out advice.

    I don’t stalk her on Facebook. She sent me a friend request some months ago, I accepted, and now her status updates appear in my feed. I know Facebook doesn’t accurately represent people. That’s why I’d like to break the ice and talk to her directly to know her better.

    Yeah, I’ve never had any luck chasing either. I lost my virginity because another coworker was interested, and I had no idea until she told me directly. I’ve heard that ladies are like cats: they spook and run if you pursue them, but if you just chill and do your own thing, eventually some will circle closer and closer until they’re rubbing up against you. I think my coworker may be starting to circle, and I’m trying to not spook her. I did that with my other coworker after she punched my v-card, and I don’t want to ride that roller coaster of misery again.
     

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