Taking back control over my thoughts and my life and overcoming crossdressing and gay fantasies

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Restoringlinkinfamilychain, Apr 5, 2018.

  1. It took a long time and many life experiences - a long and winding journey - to bring me to the point that I started using NoFap a few weeks ago.

    I feel that PMO from the age of 14 onward has robbed me of developing authentic relationships and from developing a true sexuality.

    I'm embarrassed to say that I'm 32 and haven't had any real long term relationship.

    As a kid and early teen I always looked at girls and imagined myself dating them. I had crushes on girls. Chatted with them on instant messenger. Everything was fine until I started high school. I met all these new people and somehow clung to the nerdy, studious, high achiever kids. Around this time my sexuality kicked in when I red a literotica type piece about a guy forced to cross dress as a girl for Halloween and getting hit on by the jocks in his class. From then on, as much as I wanted to masturbate to thinking about the girls in my class, I became infatuated with these crossdressing, feminization fantasies where I submitted to the jocks in my class. This fueled a crossdressing fetish, which of course I kept very hidden and private. I tried not acting on it, but kept reading more and more porn about it. Eventually I had a hidden stash of pantyhose, lipstick, skirts which I would masturbate while wearing late at night in my room after everyone had gone to sleep. This PMO cycle was a huge stress reliever, especially as I was a very high achieving student in school who was always stressed about my crushing load of homework as I took honors and AP classes in high school.

    Aside from all the masturbating and cross dressing fantasies, I was able to develop a deep emotional connection with a girl in my class over AOL instant messenger and we hung out - whenever she initiated - but she would never let me touch her due to her religious beliefs.

    I did desire her in high school, but instead my only sexual outlet was this crazy unhealthy PMO cycle that I was in.

    By freshman year of college, I started to consciously suspect that my fantasies meant I was gay. I wasn't ready to consider it so I suppressed it while of course still masturbating to the same fantasies that I had in high school.

    I dated women in college, but never longer than 6 weeks. My sexual desires for women seemed far diminished after years of PMO to fantasies of crossdressing for hot male jocks.

    By the time college was over, and I got a high pressure job, I became convinced that I must be gay. So I started searching for other guys that were discreet on Craigslist. It took me months to finally find someone on there that I didn't think was a creep and we met for coffee. Ultimately we had a brief fling but we never went further than making out. Just making out made me so hard and I was convinced this must mean that I am gay.

    A few months later I met a second guy on Craigslist and our make out session felt like magic. Though he grew disappointed when he took me back to his place and I wouldn't let him suck my cock. I wasn't into that part. But the making out was the most amazing experience I have ever had.

    After that, and not wanting to meet guys on Craigslist the rest of my life, I came out to friends and family as gay.

    The only problem was that the PMO fantasies never stopped.

    So I went on countless gay dates over 8 years and had some gay hookups but they never left me satisfied, they never came close to my fantasies, and I realized that I didn't actually find gay sex very enjoyable even though there are guys that can certainly turn me on from getting drinks and making out. So when I did have a successful "gay date", I usually tried steering the sex part to a mutual masturbation scene in which in my head I am picturing the PMO scene of cross dressing for hot jocks.

    The nice thing about gay life, was that there were the occasional drag parties for me to get all dressed up for. However there were never straight jocks that I could fall in love with.

    Since I apparently didn't find gay romance or sexuality that exciting, I began finding hookups on Craigslist where I would "CD" as a woman. This took a ton of time and effort to feminize myself and put on makeup just so that maybe a guy from Craigslist - only the ones who didn't seem slutty or axe murderers - would follow through and actually show up at my apartment. Due to my vetting process, I rarely found people who didn't seem completely creepy but I would manage to have about 4-10 of these encounters per year. They were always one time flings. No matter how much they promised that this would turn into a regular ongoing fling, it never did. As much shame as I had about the experience - I would have to spend 2-4 hours getting myself shaved smooth and made up just to get my rocks off - the other guy always seemed even more embarrassed and confused about themselves. After they would get off, they would usually run out within 5 minutes after we each orgasmed.

    I think years of cross dressing literotica coupled with porn consisting of crossdressi g and sissy hypno videos has screwed me up. It certainly did not have a good effect on me or my sexuality. Finally I realized I'm a slave to it.

    Frankly it's not the person I wanted to be. At best this is a once in a blue moon fantasy to be acted upon. But this is a hard to achieve fantasy that has consumed my entire sexuality and impaired me from developing normal relationships.

    The weirder wrinkle is that through many drag and cross dressing experiences, I would then start to become attracted to really pretty women when I was back in guy mode. I hate a heightened arousal to exaggerated femininity - Especially women that wore lots of makeup and or high heels and or sexy slutty outfits. As time went by I started realizing that the cd / trans world is its own spectrum and my desire for Fem items is also a sexual desire for femininity, aka women.

    I couldn't really share this with my gay friends. I had made many wonderful friendships with fabulous gay men. I never told them about the hookups that I had "dressed as a woman".

    I dont think any of my gay friends would belive me that I can possibly have an interest in women - especially after they have seen me dressed as a woman. But it makes sense to me.

    In the summer of 2015 I realized I am miserable in gay life- even though I made some fabulous friendships. I felt I was on a path that would leave me feeling lonely and sexually and romantically unfulfilled my entire life. Something about it just doesn't work for me.

    I still identified as gay for another year and a half, however I became far more selective in who I hung out with.

    I read the book As A Man Thinketh in December 2016 and it changed my life. I started thinking a lot more about manhood and masculinity. I started thinking about the man I wanted to become. I recognized that I have never wanted to become a woman, even though the thought of it arouses me.

    May 2017 was the last time I dressed up as a woman for a guy and it is the last time I orgasmed in the presence of someone else.

    In my abstinence, I resolved that I was open to dating women. I haven't closed the door on men but I would like to try dating both and see what happens. I think there is a whole hetero side to me that got suppressed and overtaken by my cross dressing pmo and now I seek to get back in touch with that side.

    Inasmuch as I find it sexually arousing to be someone's bitch, in reality I have zero desire to be that. I like to be in control in most facets of my life. With all this anxiety about having a second coming out, I started to return to religion and praying. I have found that by thinking about being submissive to god it empowers me as a person and it satisfies my submissive cravings.

    My goal is to 1. Stop PMO 2. Build authentic dating relationships

    To recap, I dated women in my late teens and early 20s. I then began a stressful high pressured high paying job. I came out as gay when I was 23. By 25, I was sometimes cross dressing as a woman when I hooked up with men. This led me, crazily enough, to suspect that I was actually bi. It was too hard to explain or come out a second time and so I have remained openly gay until this day. Only in the last 9 months have I confided in a few people that I started dating women again. It's kind of scary and confusing but thanks to anyone who reads my story. I love hearing any and all feedback. Thanks!
  2. j_pwc_bat

    j_pwc_bat Fapstronaut

    Good idea.

    Free tips for Success:

    1. You literally don't have to watch porn ever again. (self.NoFap)
    submitted 2 years ago by
    BazookaMorpheus88 Days

    2. When PMO is not even an option (self.NoFap)
    submitted 3 years ago * by
    Kestral 233 days

    3. Google: "The pain of self-discipline [4] is far less than the pain of regret [8]" ..... Find an image you like......... and save it onto your computer or phone.

    4. Rewards -- treats or dessert (for good behavior); or buy something related to a hobby you really enjoy; listen to your favorite songs, etc.

    5. Some guy on line had this great advice: " Never touch your dick……[or female parts for women]."
    Tip……. when showering use a wash cloth

    6. Humor ....... Google: "Glad you could join me Mr. Bond". Funny, somewhat possessed toddler............... Anyone know the Villain the toddler is supposed to represent?

    7. Click on the NoFap "Emergency" button and find an image you like (positive influence): http://i.imgur.com/bbWSvJx.jpg

    BONUS -- Water fasting 1-3 times weekly [meals; or days] will help you have more self control -- and has many health benefits. If you choose to skip breakfast, GREEN TEA (WITH CAFFEINE) is a low cost, good, mild, healthy stimulant. Good luck.
    brad23, ivanhoe, B1144 and 2 others like this.
  3. Thanks man for all the tips the encouragement. Regarding the Bonus - I have found that replacing coffee with tea or water has helped me tremendously in gaining self control. Also I re-found religion about a year ago and now pray every morning when I wake up. Some days I even pray again at the end of a long day of work. It helps me stave off a relapse into PMO
  4. One thing I have cut down on tremendously is drinking.

    It used to be normal for me to have 5 drinks or more over the course of a weekend night of me going out to a gay bar or club. In the short term it was fun to drink, get drunk and dance to the sugarpop music.

    The next day I was usually hung over, which ruined whatever plans I had.

    Furthermore, every time I hung out with my gay friends, even if it was a weeknight, I ended up having 3 or more alcoholic drinks.

    The alcohol reduced my self control both the night I drank and had a cumulative effect on my self control in general. If I didn't meet a guy at the bar / club, then I fell into the PMO cycle when I got home.

    Once I came to these realizations about my drinking and its connection to my lack of self control, my friends and PMO, I began my journey to self-control. It has meant that I have reduced my interactions with some of my friends, as I didn't see us having very much in common besides love for drinking, going out, lusting for men and agonizing why we never could find Mr Right.

    One year later I would say I drink much less, partly because I don't associate with the same people.

    I have limited my drinking now to once or twice a week and usually one or two drinks only when it's accompanied with a meal. Usually those meals are either with family members or with people I met through religious prayer or study group.
  5. I bring up all this history to say that I had been making some modest progress this past week - reaching 5 days of no PMO.

    I am on vacation and I know someone who is a big party promoter. He invited me to his club. I had 3 drinks. When I went home alone, I returned to reading some literotica (erotic literature) on being manipulated to crossdress for some April Fools prank and being some black coworkers little white office bitch. With the help of a few tissues I came a lot.

    This morning I regret it. I had been making so much progress in my confidence level as a man.

    I know that erotic literature and masturbation is not the answer if I ever want to have an LTR.

    I want to make more progress. My record of no PMO is 12 days and I want to reach 30. I'm debating whether to quit drinking alcohol outside of meals.
  6. Even though I again relapsed with PMO last night, I remain committed to overcoming this.

    The 2 factors that led to my PMO yesterday: 1. I hung out with some straight guys that were talking a lot about sex yesterday - subconsciously it didn't make me feel like one of the guys. 2. I had a cocktail with dinner last night so my willpower was diminished to overcoming my feelings.

    My plan is not to PMO for 30 days. The reason is because I am 32 years old and Would like to someday have a relationship. Time to reboot myself. Today is day zero.
  7. I'm at Day 3. I'm emotionally drained from a stressful few days at work as I felt my job was in jeopardy.

    I PMO'd both 3 and 4 days ago, As a result, I feel this week I'm more emotional, jittery, less able to focus, more irritable, and much less interested in reading, meditating, going to a prayer / religious group or exercise.

    I want to hold out and not PMO.

    I am feeling strong cross dressing feelings tonight. Like I have an urge to put on lipstick. It's so irrational. I hope to just turn on some tv, get some rest and hope that tomorrow is another day
  8. I made it 6 days, then I messed up. I have been having sissy feelings all day long but tried to keep myself busy. Now it's after midnight and the desire to fantasize about dressing and submitting to a very masculine guy was just too strong for me to avoid and I sadly MO.

    At least I made it 6 days. My goal has got to be at least 1 week.

    I find that my brain has a choice: submit to G-d or submit to Man. If I want to better myself, my self control and my decision making then I better allow G-d to occupy the role of my Master in my mind and not Man.
  9. I'm at 1 day. I'm feeling down but don't exactly know why. I feel I can never escape my gay past, even though I didn't find love or meaning in the 8 years that I was out. Some days I feel lost about all this and try to bury myself in work. After all the material on google stating I am gay, How would a girl ever fall in love with Me?
  10. I just relapsed after reading some erotic porn literature. How stupid of me.A brief loss of self co trol.

    I'm wondering whether going to NoFap so much is causing me to relapse. Like meter I'm better off not talking a outthis so much

    Unfortunately at the 4 day mark - after a busy, stressful week of work - I finally got a moment to chill.then I relapsed fifteen minutes later.

    I haven't had time this week to stop and think, meditate or pray for more than 5 minutes. I think that's a factor in me blowing my streak.

    At least I did 4 days. Next goal is 7 days!
    Songsy likes this.
  11. I'm doubting whether I should keep writing. I don't know if this is helpful to anyone.

    Sometimes I think that the more I write and read about me fighting PMO, the more likely I am to fall back in its trap.

    Anyway I'm on a 4 day streak without PMO. Yay.

    The weekends are the time where I usually break my streak, so I'm thrilled I made it through the weekend without PMO.
  12. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    its helpful to people and it's helpful to yourself - if you use it correctly - It's helpful to people because although all our situations are a little different there are similarities and sometimes it just nice to know you're not the only one struggling with this or that though...

    Have you read "Your Brain On Porn" site? Lots of useful info here.

    Secondly writing can be very helpful if you use it to track progress, techniques that work, things that trigger(ed) you and how to deal with them. Also reading successful quitters journals can be a big help! There are several journals here similar to yours (struggles w/ xdressing, etc)
    here is one, for example: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/realigning-my-true-sexual-expression.149809/

    Ok, So what let up to this? what are you trying to satiate? when you feel it repulses you or you don't want to do it, what are you thinking? Tracking stuff like this will help you overcome what you truly want to overcome.

    I am not saying it's easy or that I am an expert but it can be done.

    Lastly - I went through a brief 'xdressing' thing in my early teens just grew out of it no idea why- though i retained a spandex/ tights fetish which seemed to be related to transferring what i saw on women to self stimulation..
  13. Thanks @ivanhoe for the pep talk and boost of confidence! The xdressing journal was a great source to read as well.
    ivanhoe likes this.
  14. I'm amazed that I have made it to 6 days.

    I always find that the first 3 days feel impossible to keep myself from fapping. It's like once I've fapped to an xdressing PMO, the dopamine hit on my brain is just so addicting.

    Once I manage to get past those days, it gets easier as my mind starts to focus on other things, like work. By today, day 6, my mind feels clearer. I feel I can think better. I am less emotional, more strategic. I like this self better. Now I wish this trend can keep humming along and that I never fall into the PMO trap again! Amen!
    ivanhoe and Fantareality like this.
  15. I'm so excited that I have reached 9 days of no PMO! I almost was afraid to sign in and jinx it.

    Since I finished work on Friday, my schedule has been completely busy and scheduled. Other people have complimented me that my thinking is sharp and sound today. I need to keep myself busy! If I can make it to Monday morning the. I should be okay for the week
    Songsy, Applehead and ivanhoe like this.
  16. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    also try to do something to relax- many people here recommend meditation...
    Fantareality likes this.
  17. I made it to 10 days! I feel much clearer in my thinking than I felt at 6 days. This is great. I'm happy that I kept myself busy the entire weekend so that I did not fall into the PMO trap. As weekends have usually marked the downfall of my streak.

    This is around the time in a streak where I start noticing that I'm getting aroused by women. Yesterday I saw some picture of First Lady Melania Trump and I got aroused. I felt this was good news for me. I'm on my way to regaining my true sexuality which had gotten blocked from me once I fell into the feminization PMO rut in my late teens. If there's hope for me, there's hope for anyone.

    Thank you to everyone on NoFap who has liked or commented on my posts or who shares their journeys withtheir own diaries.

    NoFap is changing lives!
  18. outplan

    outplan Fapstronaut

    This is definitely an element of my experience. I think I'm lucky I never fell down the rabbithole as far as you did but it's still a journey to get back out.

    Definitely! People feel worthless when they think they're the only ones going through something and everyone else is somehow living a perfect life. Reading what you've written helps me (at minimum and I expect a lot more) realise that I'm not a freak and that some of the feelings I have are real and that lots are not.

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