It took a long time and many life experiences - a long and winding journey - to bring me to the point that I started using NoFap a few weeks ago. I feel that PMO from the age of 14 onward has robbed me of developing authentic relationships and from developing a true sexuality. I'm embarrassed to say that I'm 32 and haven't had any real long term relationship. As a kid and early teen I always looked at girls and imagined myself dating them. I had crushes on girls. Chatted with them on instant messenger. Everything was fine until I started high school. I met all these new people and somehow clung to the nerdy, studious, high achiever kids. Around this time my sexuality kicked in when I red a literotica type piece about a guy forced to cross dress as a girl for Halloween and getting hit on by the jocks in his class. From then on, as much as I wanted to masturbate to thinking about the girls in my class, I became infatuated with these crossdressing, feminization fantasies where I submitted to the jocks in my class. This fueled a crossdressing fetish, which of course I kept very hidden and private. I tried not acting on it, but kept reading more and more porn about it. Eventually I had a hidden stash of pantyhose, lipstick, skirts which I would masturbate while wearing late at night in my room after everyone had gone to sleep. This PMO cycle was a huge stress reliever, especially as I was a very high achieving student in school who was always stressed about my crushing load of homework as I took honors and AP classes in high school. Aside from all the masturbating and cross dressing fantasies, I was able to develop a deep emotional connection with a girl in my class over AOL instant messenger and we hung out - whenever she initiated - but she would never let me touch her due to her religious beliefs. I did desire her in high school, but instead my only sexual outlet was this crazy unhealthy PMO cycle that I was in. By freshman year of college, I started to consciously suspect that my fantasies meant I was gay. I wasn't ready to consider it so I suppressed it while of course still masturbating to the same fantasies that I had in high school. I dated women in college, but never longer than 6 weeks. My sexual desires for women seemed far diminished after years of PMO to fantasies of crossdressing for hot male jocks. By the time college was over, and I got a high pressure job, I became convinced that I must be gay. So I started searching for other guys that were discreet on Craigslist. It took me months to finally find someone on there that I didn't think was a creep and we met for coffee. Ultimately we had a brief fling but we never went further than making out. Just making out made me so hard and I was convinced this must mean that I am gay. A few months later I met a second guy on Craigslist and our make out session felt like magic. Though he grew disappointed when he took me back to his place and I wouldn't let him suck my cock. I wasn't into that part. But the making out was the most amazing experience I have ever had. After that, and not wanting to meet guys on Craigslist the rest of my life, I came out to friends and family as gay. The only problem was that the PMO fantasies never stopped. So I went on countless gay dates over 8 years and had some gay hookups but they never left me satisfied, they never came close to my fantasies, and I realized that I didn't actually find gay sex very enjoyable even though there are guys that can certainly turn me on from getting drinks and making out. So when I did have a successful "gay date", I usually tried steering the sex part to a mutual masturbation scene in which in my head I am picturing the PMO scene of cross dressing for hot jocks. The nice thing about gay life, was that there were the occasional drag parties for me to get all dressed up for. However there were never straight jocks that I could fall in love with. Since I apparently didn't find gay romance or sexuality that exciting, I began finding hookups on Craigslist where I would "CD" as a woman. This took a ton of time and effort to feminize myself and put on makeup just so that maybe a guy from Craigslist - only the ones who didn't seem slutty or axe murderers - would follow through and actually show up at my apartment. Due to my vetting process, I rarely found people who didn't seem completely creepy but I would manage to have about 4-10 of these encounters per year. They were always one time flings. No matter how much they promised that this would turn into a regular ongoing fling, it never did. As much shame as I had about the experience - I would have to spend 2-4 hours getting myself shaved smooth and made up just to get my rocks off - the other guy always seemed even more embarrassed and confused about themselves. After they would get off, they would usually run out within 5 minutes after we each orgasmed. I think years of cross dressing literotica coupled with porn consisting of crossdressi g and sissy hypno videos has screwed me up. It certainly did not have a good effect on me or my sexuality. Finally I realized I'm a slave to it. Frankly it's not the person I wanted to be. At best this is a once in a blue moon fantasy to be acted upon. But this is a hard to achieve fantasy that has consumed my entire sexuality and impaired me from developing normal relationships. The weirder wrinkle is that through many drag and cross dressing experiences, I would then start to become attracted to really pretty women when I was back in guy mode. I hate a heightened arousal to exaggerated femininity - Especially women that wore lots of makeup and or high heels and or sexy slutty outfits. As time went by I started realizing that the cd / trans world is its own spectrum and my desire for Fem items is also a sexual desire for femininity, aka women. I couldn't really share this with my gay friends. I had made many wonderful friendships with fabulous gay men. I never told them about the hookups that I had "dressed as a woman". I dont think any of my gay friends would belive me that I can possibly have an interest in women - especially after they have seen me dressed as a woman. But it makes sense to me. In the summer of 2015 I realized I am miserable in gay life- even though I made some fabulous friendships. I felt I was on a path that would leave me feeling lonely and sexually and romantically unfulfilled my entire life. Something about it just doesn't work for me. I still identified as gay for another year and a half, however I became far more selective in who I hung out with. I read the book As A Man Thinketh in December 2016 and it changed my life. I started thinking a lot more about manhood and masculinity. I started thinking about the man I wanted to become. I recognized that I have never wanted to become a woman, even though the thought of it arouses me. May 2017 was the last time I dressed up as a woman for a guy and it is the last time I orgasmed in the presence of someone else. In my abstinence, I resolved that I was open to dating women. I haven't closed the door on men but I would like to try dating both and see what happens. I think there is a whole hetero side to me that got suppressed and overtaken by my cross dressing pmo and now I seek to get back in touch with that side. Inasmuch as I find it sexually arousing to be someone's bitch, in reality I have zero desire to be that. I like to be in control in most facets of my life. With all this anxiety about having a second coming out, I started to return to religion and praying. I have found that by thinking about being submissive to god it empowers me as a person and it satisfies my submissive cravings. My goal is to 1. Stop PMO 2. Build authentic dating relationships To recap, I dated women in my late teens and early 20s. I then began a stressful high pressured high paying job. I came out as gay when I was 23. By 25, I was sometimes cross dressing as a woman when I hooked up with men. This led me, crazily enough, to suspect that I was actually bi. It was too hard to explain or come out a second time and so I have remained openly gay until this day. Only in the last 9 months have I confided in a few people that I started dating women again. It's kind of scary and confusing but thanks to anyone who reads my story. I love hearing any and all feedback. Thanks!