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Svrider's Journal

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Svrider912, Dec 13, 2016.

  1. Svrider912

    Svrider912 Fapstronaut

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    I figured i would start this thread here as im trying to reboot, but im in a relationship with my wife.(title of the category, right?)
    There are some light details on our sex life and i apologize if it is a trigger for anyone.

    I have been 15 days without porn or masturbation.
    I feel i should start out saying that my goal isnt to quit O. My goal is to stay off of P and M, and have healthy sex with my wife. Sex with her, ive never had a porn flashback and always had her in my mind while we were having sex, but our sex most of the time isnt just soft missionary. Im not saying we do bondage or other fetishes, we like the pleasure of good, fun sex. I like the way i physically make her feel and vice versa. When we have sex i would usually go 3 days after before i feel the need to go to porn and masturbate.
    In my intro thread here:
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/very-new-to-all-of-this.83583/
    I state that i came clean about everything over the course of three days. Each day was the out pour of worse things. Each of those days, we had sex at the end of the day, most likely out of emotion. Ive never been this honest with her or anyone else and ive never felt more connected with her, emotionally, during sex.
    I believe that the instant gratification that porn has addicted my mind with took a toll on my sex drive. Whenever i would feel like i want to have sex it would be because my attraction to her, wether she was getting out of the shower or ive thought about a time that her and i had previously. Ive never thought of porn and thought i need my wife. To me that felt too wrong, and i think i did a good job keeping it separated. However, if she wasnt in the mood, or too tired from a long day(which there are alot of long days with two kids, one having social/emotional/communication issues, and the wife being in school) i would get frustrated. I knew in the back of my head that getting frustrated at her like that was wrong, i would even get sad and upset over it because i really do love her, and it wasnt fair to her. But i never identified the problem of porn addiction and the instant gratification that it grants. Most of the time i would turn to p the next day and the vicious cycle of instant gratification took its toll over time.

    By no means did this start with her though. The previous relationship before her and my teenage years are what trained my mind to instant gratification and heightened my sex drive before i ended up with my wife.

    At this point im somewhat worried about a chaser effect with the "fun" sex we have. Although it wasnt strong, if it was even there, when we had sex last week. Ive told myself three things when it comes to sex with my wife right now:
    1. I will not plan sex or ask to have sex like ive done in the past. If it happens organically, then so be it.
    2. The longer i go without porn ive noticed myself thinking more about my wife emotionally. I will try to keep that in mind while in the act.
    3. I need to keep a close eye on wether or not there is a chaser after sex with her, and if there is, i need to adjust and take a break from sex.

    With that said, my first two weeks have been rough. Last week was a whirlwind for the both of us with everything i told her.
    This week has definitely been better. Im still having the flashbacks to porn and i know my mind is trying to rationalize with me but i keep fighting it. Knowing that it is a rationalization and addiction and not neccessarily an urge helps look at it from a different perspective.

    Last night she downloaded a kindle book. Im not sure of the title but it was written by a woman who is also the wife of someone with sexual addiction. She didnt read alot of it but what she did read gave her alot of emotions. At first she wouldnt talk to me about it telling me she was fine but i broke through. In her eyes she doesnt want to burden me with her thoughts on it more than what im dealing with at the moment. I told her we have to be there for eachother. We both broke down a bit.

    Things she read made her look back at the entirity of our relationship. I dont blame her for this. She has alot to sift through in her head now, just as much as i do. I believe her when she tells me she wants to help me get through this. And i love her even more for that. Alot of women would just scoff and walk away. I feel lucky to have her.

    Last night, as much as it brought hurt feelings to the front of her thoughts, it made my walls stronger to fight this. I dont want to hurt her anymore. Relapse isnt an option for me.

    Im noticing willpower in other places as well. Diet is something i need to focus more on, as well as patience with my wife and kids.

    I will try and update this at least every other or every third day at the very least. Even just typing all of this helps alot, and at first i didnt think it would, so its something else that gives me hope.

    Feel free to ask questions and comment. Im open to discussion.
     
  2. Svrider912

    Svrider912 Fapstronaut

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    So yesterday was two weeks. Im already starting to feel the struggle become easier.

    Yesterday was a day of depression. After posting here yesterday morning i went to work. I dwelled alot on the things my wife and i talked about. I got me very down. Was just a sad day. Some urges to you-know-what, but nowhere near as strong as monday.

    Today was much better. Had a couple of flashbacks to some of my favorite videos i used to go to. The amount of them was less than monday but they were pretty strong. I was able to discard them fairly with ease.
    Again, relapse is not an option.

    The wife and i want to watch the video series that terry crews did on youtube. We feel it will give us some good insight.
    We also read briefly that he and his wife did a 90 day abstinence from sex. I told the wife id be up for this if she would be. Figure it would be a good reset for the brain. Its only 90 days right? If we do, were not sure if we will have the start date from the last time we had sex(last week) or if we should have sex and then start. I told her she could choose if were faced with that decision.

    I go to see a therapist or counselor tomorrow. Im not even sure what the term is called. A small part of me wonders if i need to, with all the information ive taken in in the last week but i tell myself it couldnt hurt. I am nervous for sure though.

    I will try and write back after that.
     
    focusonthegoal likes this.
  3. Svrider912

    Svrider912 Fapstronaut

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    Soooooo today was therapist time.

    It went well. I was super nervous, but he was a really down to earth guy and easy to have a conversation with. We didnt really come to any conclusions on anything just talked about stuff. Ill be going twice a month. Which is fine, its another way to keep me in check.

    Wife started her period today so i dont know what were doing with the 90 day no sex thing. Im sure well talk later. Two kids keeps us busy, big time.
     
  4. NickyP

    NickyP Fapstronaut

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    Hey Svrider,
    how are you doing now after 45 days? Just want to let you know I'm reading and finding inspiration in your situation. Wonder if you thought sex with your wife was hindering your reboot enough to stop it for 90 days, or was it healthy and necessary to prevent you from relapse.
     

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