I appreciate you sharing your insights and vulnerability very much and I too wonder what the past will look like once the fog of abuse is lifted. After being with a sex addict/porn addict for so long I have no idea what is normal anymore. Is it normal for a man to be ecstatic that his wife is leaving the house because then he can go enjoy other women without the threat of said wife coming downstairs? Is it normal for a man to look masturbate while driving (I read that 30% of men have); is it normal to have insults thrown at a wife's appearance because she doesn't look like an internet porn model? And no no no you weren't a doormat, or weak-you were like the proverbial frog in the pot of boiling water. PAs change so slowly and insidiously and we end up having to accommodate the insanity that we don't even know exists. I held onto who my husband was so tightly that I didn't even see who he became-maybe it was like that for you as well.