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Support group for significant others of PMO addicts

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by ILoathePwife, Oct 12, 2016.

  1. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    If you are an SO please feel welcome to join the SOS: Significant Others Support group. The group format changed a bit (for the better) in late February. We now have our own private group forum.

    Below is some information I have found helpful that I want to share with other SOs. It comes from other helpful SOs and PMO addicts here at NoFap that shared it with me and I want to pass it on.

    I’m sorry you are in this situation but happy you found NoFap and this community of SOs. I’m fupornwife, one of the SOs that helped get this group started back in May and, after a conversation with one of the mods of NoFap, I decided to put together a welcome message and list of resources for new members of the SOS group.

    The group was created as a safe place for SOs to tell their stories and give and receive support from others in similar situations. For me, one of the nice things about this group is that it broke the isolation I felt, from feeling like I had to keep my husband’s addiction a secret from people I know in real life. In the group, you can connect specifically with other wives, fiancées and girlfriends going through similar things.

    Here are some resources I and other SOs have found helpful:

    Self care for SOs (this is so important, please don't neglect yourself)
    The first thing I think you should know is, this is not your fault. You did not cause your partner’s addiction and it is not your responsibility to fix it. Yes, you can stand by in support, if you choose, but unless the addict is truly ready to admit the problem and do the work to heal, nothing you can do can fix it. That’s a difficult but important truth that took me years to fully internalize. (And I still sometimes forget.)

    It’s also vital that you make self-care a priority. Whether you only recently learned about your partner’s PMO addiction or you’ve known about it for a long time, it’s important that you take care of yourself.

    Here’s a great 28 minute webinar about setting boundaries and self-care. It is Christian based but I believe the information would be valuable to anyone regardless of their beliefs. One of the things she talks about is something I hadn’t thought of before: putting a time limit on our boundaries. Another one is that it’s important that we decide what will happen if the addict does not respect our boundaries and then we have to follow through with what we said we would do.

    Covenant Eyes has multiple blog posts addressing PMO addiction from the perspective of the SO. I have read and recommend, a three part series called, 7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask. Again, it’s Christian based. For the most part, I found it to be very helpful and valuable information. Part I is linked above. From there you can follow the links in the article to read all three parts. They also have a free ebook for SOs, which I haven’t specifically read myself.

    Another way to make taking care of yourself a priority is starting or continuing counseling. I highly recommend individual therapy with a counselor not also working with the PMO addict and separate from any couples counseling. Your healing is very important. Remember, not every therapist is right for every client. If you don’t click or the therapist minimizes or dismisses the effects of PMO addiction, do not waste any time. Move on to a new therapist. My personal experience is that there are some very good therapists out there! It’s just a matter of finding them.

    If you are interested in something different than traditional talk therapy, you could look into EMDR therapy. Although it may not be the right fit for everyone, I’ve greatly benefited from EMDR therapy for trauma.

    Next, let's look at PMO addiction: Is there hope?
    I’m not going to sugar coat this. PMO addiction is devastating to addicts as well as their loved ones. I don't want to give you false hope, but neither do I want you to feel like recovery is impossible.

    Here’s a little bit of my own story. (Read my full blog here.) My husband didn’t tell me about his addiction until after we had been married for five years. During that five years I was completely baffled by a husband that suddenly wasn’t interested in sex with me, spent hours and hours “playing computer games” and sometimes had what I now know was porn induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) when we did have sex.

    After he finally told me, he gave up porn with only a few, short term relapses. Great, right? Well, for the next seven years our relationship continued to deteriorate due to his brain fog, lack of communication and intimacy with me and inability to identify and name his own emotions or handle my emotions. It wasn’t until he found NoFap and started a reboot (which, for him, included giving up all masturbation, fantasizing and objectifying women) that things started to improve. We learned about and used FANOS to improve our communication and karezza to improve our sex life. (Karezza worked for us because we decided to do a hard mode reboot, no Os for either of us, but I believe it can be a very useful tool for any couple.)

    If you’re here wondering how you get your loved one to realize that he needs to change? I truly wish I had a magic solution, but unfortunately I don’t believe there is one. I tried everything, crying, yelling, playing the good wife, patience, giving him space, ect., to make my husband realize that something had to change and it wasn’t until he had some sort of light bulb moment on his own that he began to do some research and found NoFap.

    The good news is, it is possible for an addict to wake up, give up PMO and improve himself and his relationships with others. The bad news is, it’s very difficult to convince an addict they need to change and get help. Even once they do make that realization, as my own story shows, it can be very difficult to shake the addiction.

    To learn more about PMO addiction, check out http://yourbrainonporn.com. Specifically, this is a great TEDx talk, which some SOs have successfully shown to their addict partner, prompting them to realize they need help.

    The book,” The Addictive Personality”: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior” is an older book, but very helpful in understanding addiction. See this link for a quick summary of what the book is about.

    "The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography," is one I haven't read, but it comes highly recommended by another SO of a PMO addict.

    Many PMO addicts, including my husband, go to counselors for help. However, according to this 2004 study, “Traditional behavioral approaches to addiction treatment have yielded poor results. Some studies have documented their success rate as low as 2 to 3 percent.”

    That doesn’t mean that counseling can’t help a PMO addict. It is one tool that an addict can use. From my experience with individual counseling, marriage counseling and my husband in counseling, here’s what I personally recommend.

    1. Not every counselor is a good fit for every client. If you don’t click with a counselor, do not waste time. Try another one. I know from experience that there are good counselors out there and there are others that are not so great. (Or even really bad.) I once went to only one session with a counselor. (And I should have walked out partway through the appointment.)

    2. If the counselor says anything to minimize or deny the impacts of porn addiction, do not continue with that person.

    Sexaholics Anonymous meetings are another option. Their website lists meetings that are face-to-face, via email or over the internet, which, if I had been aware of, I would probably encouraged my husband to participate in. https://www.sa.org/meetings/

    The thing that has helped my husband the most, however, is NoFap and doing a reboot to rewire his brain. Read more about rebooting here. The glossary of terms is here. Journaling at the NoFap forums is very helpful to track progress as well as get support from others at the community.

    It may be worth taking a multi-pronged approach to PMO addiction. Some combination of a reboot, counseling, SA meetings and/or some other resource you/the addict finds helpful.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2017
  2. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    LizzyBlanca likes this.
  3. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    @Trmatthe this is my list of tools. It's at the top of the sos group too.
     
  4. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Note that the SOs group has some temporary technical issues right now and we can't approve new members or add them. Hopefully it is fixed soon.
     
  5. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    This issue has been fixed.
     
  6. Ravyn

    Ravyn Fapstronaut

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    Oof. That is so real.
     
  7. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    Yes, this is SO real. To me, the lying, lack of intimacy/inability to connect emotionally to me or himself are the biggest hurdles. He usually gave me a blank stare and withdrew physically and emotionally when I was sad, hurt, angry, etc. He is learning in EFT couple's counseling how to identify his emotions, and we're both learning how to better express our emotions.
     
    Ravyn and LizzyBlanca like this.
  8. My dearest friend @Torn, I'm wishing all this you've been through to be just a nasty memory, and your real life to be so nice and like you want it to be, that would make you change your name from "Torn" to "Happy"!
     
    Torn likes this.
  9. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much @ncsest!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. You are most welcome!! Congratulations on your 40 days free of PMO! Almost half way the typical reboot pattern! I'm so happy for both of you! Wishing you every day you count, your happiness get double!
     
    Torn likes this.

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