Sun_shine’s reboot log - f 27

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Sun_shine, Aug 27, 2018.

  1. Sun_shine

    Sun_shine Fapstronaut

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    Hi all , so I have just joined this site to overcome the addiction . I am 27 and have been m’ing since I was about 12 . I don’t have an addiction to p but would occasionally watch it .

    I come from a Muslim background and did have a lot of guilt and shame towards it , which I’ve learned to manage and not internalise the shame which I was doing before which carried the cycle of addiction . Before I thought prayer alone would stop it , but I know that’s not realistic . I have cut down over the years , however the longest I have gone without m is 3 weeks . I have never reached a whole month , so as I m I would never get any wet dreams .

    I started NoFap 2 weeks ago, and I fell into Pmo my after 13 days after accidentally seeing something which triggered me to watch p, I would not normally see as the feeling and triggers were so intense . The negative feelings were intense and now I am starting again . I have had only one short term relationship and I am currently in one .


    I don’t like the feeling afterwards, I feel empty , guilty , low , ashamed . There was a time when I let go of all the negative feelings surrounding it and just wanted to accept myself as a sexual being which I felt I previously was conditioned not to after going counselling for other issues . However at this point in time it does not bring joy to my life and is an addiction .

    Even though I am in a relationship atm that’s not the reason alone why I want to quit amongst the negative feelings loneliness and shame it brought about I feel if I continue I will lose the interest and drive of doing things with a partner and experiencing real intimacy !
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2018
  2. Eri_B

    Eri_B Fapstronaut

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    Hi, welcome! Taking the first step is always the most difficult, so congrats on deciding to start with your journey.
    Everybody's story is different, but in these forums you don't need to be ashamed of your addiction because we all understand and have or are in your position. If it's complicated for you to talk about it with your family, friends and partner you can always come here for support and advice.
    As I can read on your story, you are aware of your problem and your triggers, but I find missing what is underneath your addiction, why do to feel like that? What's under your feelings to relapse over and over again? Most of us go through something even greater than just PMO. If you identify that it would be easier to fight against it, her some professional help even. In the forums you can read others stories and see if you can find yourself identified within.
    Good luck on your journey and stay strong!
     
  3. Sun_shine

    Sun_shine Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the support , I forgot to mention I did not relapse , but reset . I wasn’t aware of the term so I have edited my original post . I am on day 3 and when approaching the two week mark that’s when the urges hit for me .
     
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  4. Eri_B

    Eri_B Fapstronaut

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    I know exactly what you mean. I have been able to stop going on porn sites and binge watch porn ever since the start of this year. But suddenly I started to relapse over and over again on masturbation, and right now I haven't been able to pass the 15 day mark.
    So at least for what I've learned from my quitting porn experience is that, once you start, you might be motivated to go on, but as your motivation decreases the urge to act would be more and more difficult to ignore.
    With porn it's easier somehow because I used blockers on my phone and computer. Sometimes I feel the urge to go back and watch it, but thanks to those blockers it's not that easy and I end up giving up and rethinking my decisions. That has save me from relapsing more than once.
    But masturbation it's not as easy as installing an app on your phone, I totally understand.
    As far as I can advice you: keep yourself busy, try to spend as less time as you can alone, and as soon as you get a triggering thought get yourself busy to be able to move on.
    Having somebody you can reach to when your having an urge can also help a lot. Try getting an accountability partner you can contact.
    For me, right now I'm trying to journal and help others through this forums, hopefully that would help me pass and get to the 30 day mark.
    Stay strong!
     
    Jason_Tesla_19 likes this.
  5. Sun_shine

    Sun_shine Fapstronaut

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    Yes the two three week mark is when it gets difficult. If I can do 30 days il be proud . Thank you , I will try and practice them tips .

     
    Eri_B likes this.
  6. That is so true once you start you can go on but the key is to find alternatives ways to occupy one's mind once the edging comes because for those of us not sexually active it can be a quick way to release steam that easily turns counterproductive and addictive
     
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  7. Sun_shine

    Sun_shine Fapstronaut

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    Day 8
    Today I have a lot of energy . Joined the gym and can feel the urges creeping up to m then o. Just yesterday I had none. I joined the gym since I’ve been off work I need to workout to help me physically mentally . There’s times I can let thoughts get carried away .

    I’ve had an anxiety attack and I’m in my room . I am trying to distract myself by listening to my breathing get up and find something else to do . Instead of getting carried away with thoughts . Having a partner does help deal with the loneliness but having been on both sides I don’t think mo is easier either way , I have to do it for myself .

    P I don’t have much of a problem with, I am also trying to focus on the negative feelings it brings about to avoid me. Before I had the wrong approach of suppressing all thoughts which could be potential triggers , I don’t think that’s the right approach , it’s about managing it , this is how God has made us . I don’t want to live a life addicted to pmo and the negativity it brings I want a real relationship to enjoy.

    I am saving myself for marriage, but my mindset is slowly changing the other way which I don’t want it to but can’t help it . Sometimes I think will NoFap contribute to that . Trying to stay strong , glad I have this place to vent and monitor my progress.
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2018
  8. Newgirl

    Newgirl Fapstronaut

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    I also feel like venting here helps so much. Before I knew about this site it was all a secret that was killing me. I wanted so much to tell someone and to have them answer back in a non judgmental way. I needed someone so badly to understand me and my struggle without making me feel like I was weird or bad
     
  9. Sun_shine

    Sun_shine Fapstronaut

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    Hi , yes I think the shame surrounding it keeps us stuck in the addiction of pmo . I find it helps to not internalise the shame e.g I
    Made a mistake , I feel ashamed which is healthy instead of I am a mistake .

    When I used to shame myself , I used to go through extreme measures to avoid all sexual thoughts thinking that would stop me from pmo ing . I just didn’t have the right approach ,which I feel NoFap gives.
     
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  10. Newgirl

    Newgirl Fapstronaut

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    Yeah obsessing over shame and guilt trapped me in destructive behavior it didn't allow me to move on. But even when I managed to fight off shame and guilt which I did for a little while I still felt so empty and confused about M. I just couldn't experience the benefits many sex experts claim to come from M
     
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  11. Sun_shine

    Sun_shine Fapstronaut

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    Day 10
    Yesterday night the urges were incredibly strong to mo , I had so much energy could not control my
    thoughts . I did not give in ! Normally it is the 2 week mark I relapse and in the morning , but after seeing my partner twice in one week and after a few moments of intimacy it all built up pretty soon .

    I kept thinking about the negative feelings after mo ing to motivate me . I was listening to my breathing and controlling my thoughts to find ways to distract reduce the urges .

    They did eventually go , I am careful of triggers eg pics , googling info , excessive fantasising .

    In the morning I felt stronger , more disciplined. I am now thinking twice about the whole not saving myself until marriage.
     
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  12. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    It does sound like you're doing a good job with MO, and feeling happy in your relationship. You keep going strong!
     
    Sun_shine likes this.
  13. Sun_shine

    Sun_shine Fapstronaut

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    Day 19

    I have been pretty much flatlining since I last journaled . No interest or drive to pmo , there was one or two moments with partner where I did have more drive but at the moment last 10 or so days pretty much no drive at all , I just hope it’s a withdrawal effect and I don’t completely loose it .

    Overcoming a massive urge can make the NoFap journey last longer !
     
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  14. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    It's good, this is the easy part. And don't worry, by going PMO free your sex drive isn't going away, it's actually getting stronger, so stay strong!
     
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  15. Sun_shine

    Sun_shine Fapstronaut

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    Thank you :) never felt like this in a long time it is strange feel like a kid lol
     
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  16. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    Enjoy it while it lasts! It will probably come back a little differently than before - more directed to actual people and not just getting off by yourself. Your mindset about "waiting for marriage" could start changing on you again, so decide now while your mind is clearer.
     
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  17. Sun_shine

    Sun_shine Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Yes just wondering how long it will , I know I won’t always be feeling like this .
     
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  18. Sun_shine

    Sun_shine Fapstronaut

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    I lasted 43 days which is an achievement for me , I don’t know what happened :( but it’s back to day 1 I did mo .

    I think o became too complacent thinking I’m doing well , not journaling as much thinking it’s not a problem I didn’t have much major triggers until today and I relapsed I also had a dream that I watched p and mo’d last night part of it came true :( .

    I feel abit ashamed and low but glad I came this far . My partner does m and he doesn’t think it’s a problem I’m not sure if that convo was a trigger .

    But I don’t feel much better starting again now .
     
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  19. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    You aren't back at square one! Get back on the horse, and you'll find this time it's probably easier than last time. Just keep healing. :)
     
  20. Sun_shine

    Sun_shine Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your support , it’s not worth the temporary pleasure it brings that’s for sure . I am going to try and journal and read up on here more .
     
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